The Weight of Us
by A. K. Hunter
Summary: Alexis and Kevin have been to hell and back for each other—only to be pulled apart time and time again. Now, with their Happily Ever After finally within reach, they must learn to let go of the past and dare to hope for the future they thought they'd lost, or let their love go. Sequel to Heart of Stone. Winter Hiatus Ficathon entry.
1. Chapter 1

The Weight of Us

by

A.K. Hunter

Chapter One

"You make me a ghost." — Ingrid Michaelson, "Ghost"

* * *

Alexis was tired of waiting.

For well over an hour, she'd been walking circles in the small exam room. Her feet ached, and she could recite the catch phrase on each wall's pharmaceutical poster from memory, but the distraught infant in her arms simply would not let her sit. It was probably for the best; without the distraction her daughter provided, Alexis would have gone crazy from the confinement of those four unyielding walls that felt too much like a cage.

Rosie dry-sobbed into her mother's shoulder, too spent for real tears, clutching the lumpy eyesore of a blanket that her Great Grammy Rodgers had made her. Tears and snot and spit up had soaked through the fibers, and Alexis made a mental note to throw it in the wash as soon as Rosie was well enough to sleep for more than an hour at a time. Her daughter loved the blanket more than life itself, and separating the girl from her most precious possession was akin to skinning her alive—at least, that was how she acted.

"Shhh," Alexis soothed, rubbing the baby's back and continuing that circular, rocking walk. "You're okay. You'll feel better soon." She rested her cheek against the crown of Rosie's head, frowning at the heat pressing into her skin. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost time for another dose of Tylenol.

A knock sounded at the door, and the doctor finally walked in, a smile in his gray eyes. "Two visits in one month? You keep coming back in here, and I'm gonna think you have ulterior motives."

"Well, Greg, I know how you like screaming babies." Alexis readjusted her daughter's weight in her burning arms.

Rosie's regular doctor had taken ill a few weeks earlier on the day she was scheduled for a well-child checkup. Rather than waiting a month for an opening in the schedule, Alexis had allowed her daughter to be seen by another physician working that day. She'd been shocked to see her one-time date from another lifetime, Dr. Greg Matthews, walk into an exam room just like the one she'd spent most of her evening in.

Despite what she considered the worst date she'd ever been on, a year and a half of silence, and all the baggage that had come with it, Alexis had found Greg to be surprisingly easy to talk to. He was kind, laid back, and had kept Rosie laughing and smiling during the exam, which was a feat in itself. She was normally afraid of doctors.

"Rosie-roo," Greg said in that same goofy voice that had brought the tiny redhead to cackling hysteria, "what's the matter with you?"

The baby scowled at him, her lower lip quivering, her fiery hair sticking out in every direction, and buried her face in the filthy blanket with a whimper. Her tiny hand tugged on her ear.

"Sorry. She's not much of a charmer when she's not feeling well."

"I get it." He smiled. "How long has she been worrying at her ear?"

"Couple days. She hasn't been eating or sleeping well, either, but the fever didn't start until this morning." Alexis felt her daughter's forehead again. "She's due for more Tylenol."

Greg checked the notes from the nurse who had performed the initial exam. "Her fever was low-grade when the nurse took it."

"That was well over an hour ago. Her temp has spiked since then. Check it if you don't believe me."

Greg glided the thermometer wand over the infant's forehead. Rosie jerked away with a frustrated whine, but the thermometer still read 103. "You're right," he said good-naturedly. "Don't know why I'm surprised, seeing as how you're a doctor and all."

"Not a practicing one. And not the kind she needs."

He pulled a small, lighted instrument from the wall. "I'm gonna take a look in her ear, if you don't mind holding her."

Alexis complied, and Rosie shrieked when the magnifier touched her ear, despite the fact that Greg had been careful and had certainly not caused her pain. "Definitely inflamed."

"I knew it," Alexis said as she rocked her baby through another bout of empty, pitiful sobs.

He opened a cupboard on the wall, digging through its contents. "Does she like lollipops?" He offered a purple lollipop with a Tylenol logo on the wrapper. "Most kids really dig these."

"Do you want it?" she asked Rosie, who was eyeing the sucker with newfound interest, the occasion hiccup racking her small frame. Thanks to her overindulgent grandfather, she knew all about lollipops and she _loved_ them. She held out her tiny hand, and Greg tore off the wrapper and placed the lollipop in it. She promptly shoved the peace offering in her mouth and returned to her vigil on her mother's shoulder.

"Thank you," Alexis said with a small smile.

"You're welcome. I still can't get over how much she looks like you," he said with a grin, returning to his seat and prescription pad. "But I bet you get that a lot."

"A little bit." She had heard that a lot—that she and Rosie were identical. And there was some truth to it. They had the same red hair, the same pale skin and delicate facial features. Though they both had blue eyes, Rosie's were a few shades darker. Truth be told, Alexis spent a lot of time seeing Rosie's father in her, from the grin she wore when she was acting goofy to the defiant set of her jaw when she was throwing a temper tantrum.

She was reminded of two nights earlier, when the ear infection had started. Rosie had woken her mother in the middle of the night, shrieking and inconsolable. Alexis had spent the rest of the night and much of the next day rocking her baby, doing everything she could think of to soothe her. In a moment of frustration, when the tiny redhead had refused to sleep, refused to nurse, refused to do anything but be held and whine, Alexis had lost her temper, demanding, "What is wrong with you? _What do you want?_ " Rosie hadn't yelled back; she simply touched her mother's cheek with a whimper, her large eyes begging for understanding and patience. Alexis had wept then, feeling both like a terrible mother and acutely missing the one other person in the world whose blue eyes had conveyed that combination of emotions.

 _I'll come back for you. I promise._

"I'll write you for some ear drops." Greg said, pulling Alexis back to the present. His pen scribbled over the prescription pad. "She'll be back to giggling in no time."

"Thanks."

"It's my pleasure. And I'm sorry you had to wait so long. On busy nights like this I pretty much just let the nurse direct me to the next patient. If I'd have known you were on my schedule, I would have come in as soon as the nurse was done getting her vitals."

A crease appeared between Alexis' eyebrows. "And skip over your other patients? That's not fair."

Greg shrugged. "What can I say? I've got a soft spot for redheads."

Heat rose in her face. She had no idea how to respond to that.

"Is there anything else you two need while I've got you here? Has she made those milestones you were worried about?" he asked, referring to a long conversation they'd had at the previous appointment about Rosie's delayed development. Despite being ten and a half months old, her size and developmental milestones put her much closer to eight months. Greg chalked it up to her two-month premature birth, but Alexis could never quite shake the fear that something much more permanent was wrong with her child.

"Some of them."

"Most premies catch up by year two," he reminded her gently.

"I'm counting on it." She glanced at the clock. "I should probably get going. We need to hit the pharmacy before they close, and I'm sure there are other patients waiting."

"Family practice," he joked. "A never-ending parade of sniffles and belly aches."

"And ear infections," Alexis supplied.

He smiled. "Hey, doctor-patient professionalism aside, it's good to see you again. You look great."

"Oh." That was unlikely. She hadn't slept well in days, and exhaustion had painted dark circles around her eyes. Her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail and she was pretty sure there was spit up on her oversized shirt, not to mention the sticky-sweet Tylenol pop that Rosie was drooling all over her neck. "Um, thanks."

Greg handed her a slip of paper and a card. "There's the prescription, and if you ever feel like catching up, maybe getting dinner, I'd love to see you again."

"Excuse me?"

"Secret identities and ghost boyfriends aside, our date was one of the best ones I've been on in a long time."

Alexis couldn't help but laugh. She and Greg had had a good time on that date for about thirty minutes, and then the reality of her messed up life and even more messed up priorities had ruined the date. She'd never, in a million years, considered that he might have counted the date a success. "If that's really the case, you must have terrible taste in women."

He winked in reply and stood up. "I meant what I said. I'd love to catch up outside of an exam room."

"Maybe I'll call you," Alexis said, more to bring the appointment to an end than anything else. She needed time to process his request, and more than that, she needed to hurry to the pharmacy before they closed because she would not be able to handle another night like the ones she'd just been through.

"I hope you do." He patted her arm and then Rosie's elbow. "Bye, Rosie-roo. I hope you get feeling better soon." He glanced up at Alexis, giving her one last winning grin. "See you later."

"Bye, Greg."

* * *

After another thirty minutes at the pharmacy, Alexis and her baby had finally made it home, magical, infection-curing eardrops in tow. From there, Alexis had only to endure Rosie's dramatic shrieks as she administered the medicine. Her daughter had a big, emotional heart, running the span of laughter to sadness in a heartbeat. Everything she felt, she felt strongly. On top of that, she had a stubborn streak a mile long, and with each passing day, her strong personality was more and more apparent. Alexis had a pretty good idea where she'd gotten those qualities.

Once she'd gotten Rosie calmed down enough to nurse, it was like flipping a switch. With her fever suppressed, the antibiotics working their magic, and her belly full for the first time since she'd gotten sick, the infant was out cold in her crib, her fingers wrapped around the hem of her ugly pink blanket. It had only taken an hour or so after arriving home, and Alexis breathed a sigh of relief, barely resisting the urge to crawl into her own bed, sticky clothes and all.

She took a much-needed shower, almost falling asleep in the soothing, warm water, and, following her nightly routine, prepared a cup of chamomile tea. Her phone pinged just as she set the water to boil.

 _"Two for tea?"_

Her father knew her too well.

" _Come on down_ ," she replied.

The first five or six months after being reunited with her family, Alexis had lived with her father and Kate at the loft. It was a crowded arrangement, what with a three year old, a newborn, and a twenty-six year old with a hundred years of baggage all living under the same roof. Kate and her father had never once complained.

Every time Alexis thought about those first several months, the weight of the memories left her awash in dread and exhaustion. Weeks spent in the NICU, obsessing over the tiniest details of Rosie's health as she waited for her daughter to come home. Hours in therapy, learning how to cope with the reality of the last several months, understanding that nothing was quite as black and white as she'd thought, for better or worse. Seven months with Kevin keeping her safe, lavishing her with love and care, and seven months of captivity and a textbook case of Stockholm Syndrome were opposite sides of the same coin. The case could be made that both were true and neither were false, but Alexis' therapist had stressed that picking one over the other wouldn't bring her as much peace as accepting the situation for what it was and trying to move forward. Dwelling on past mistakes wouldn't help the present one bit. Obsessing certainly didn't help with the countless nights spent shaking and sobbing from nightmares that were nothing more than actual memories—rememberings of a man who had never once called her by her name yet abused her on a daily basis; images of Kevin, sprawled and bloodied with empty eyes; the lonely sensation of her unborn daughter lying still inside her, those potent drugs rendering her unconscious.

And then, almost two months after Rosie's grand entrance in the world, Alexis was able to bring her home. That obsessive focus had been forced to shift, and the sleepless nights had continued for an entirely new reason. As difficult as those first several months were, Alexis was grateful to her family for giving her a safe space in which to figure out how to live again. She was even more grateful for the strong-headed baby who had forced her to move forward, who forced her to get out of bed each morning and pretend to be a normal person, who had forced her to not break, to not give up, through months of heartache and weeks of soul-sick desperation. Rosie had saved her life, and each day she continued to give Alexis a reason to keep going.

There was a light tap on her front door before her father let himself in with the key she'd made for him.

"Hey."

He glanced around, noting the quiet in the apartment. "She finally give it up?" He'd brought in a Saran Wrap-covered plate, which he placed on the counter in front of Alexis.

She nodded. "I took her to the after hours clinic and got her some ear drops. Now if she can just sleep through the night..."

"I can watch her for a night if you need to get some sleep."

Alexis shook her head. "You need to finish that manuscript. It was due a week ago."

"Granddaughters trump deadlines."

"And Gina said she'd skin you alive if you didn't have it in her inbox by five p.m. tomorrow."

"She's so charming. Last we spoke, she said she was sending over a belated baby shower gift?"

"She did. It's too much," Alexis said, thinking of the large box of designer baby clothes. With Richard Castle as her grandfather, Rosie already had more than she'd ever need, but now she could probably get through Christmas without wearing the same outfit twice. Alexis had been warmed by the thoughtfulness of her ex-stepmother's gift and the fact that she'd clearly done her research because the sweaters and leggings and dresses and onesies were the perfect size for Rosie to wear through the winter. "Rosie loves her new boots."

"And what does Gina think about you being my official keeper?"

Alexis smirked. "She said it's not fair for me to have my hands full with two babies."

"That's why I pay you the big bucks," her father answered with a smile.

"I'm worth every penny," she deadpanned, peeling the plastic off the food and revealing steak, potatoes, and a green salad. "You didn't have to bring dinner."

"Thought you might be hungry, and we missed you two tonight. Johanna wanted to know where Rosie was." He moved to the kettle on the stove. "Why don't you eat? I can make tea."

Alexis put the salad in a bowl and heated the plate in the microwave. She started munching on the lettuce, ready to defend her self-sufficiency, but when the first bite of food hit her belly, she suddenly realized she hadn't had anything to eat since her cup of coffee that morning. Gratitude welled up in her chest as she watched her father brew tea for the two of them. She may not be living with him anymore, but he still did everything possible to take care of her and his granddaughter. She belatedly wondered if their nightly dinners were his way of making sure she had at least one proper meal a day.

The day Alexis told her father she wanted to find a place of her own had been difficult for everyone involved. She'd seen, in glimpses, the scars her absence had left behind, and she knew that her presence in his home was just as much a comfort to him as it was to her. He'd never reviled her for wanting a space of her own, but he had requested that she stay nearby, which was difficult with her limited income and the fact that she refused to let him pay her rent. Alexis already depended on him for her livelihood, something she had yet to be totally comfortable with, and what little pride she had left wouldn't allow him to be wholly responsible for her. He had another daughter, after all, and Kate had mentioned once or twice that she was ready for a second child if Castle wanted one. Alexis wouldn't steal from her siblings just because she'd been stupid and unfortunate enough to put herself in a vulnerable situation.

It had seemed almost too good to be true when the old super's outdated, one-bedroom apartment had become available just six floors down from the loft. Apparently Castle had gone to the board the day he'd heard about the vacancy, and two days later Alexis was signing the very affordable fixed-rate lease agreement. He had never told Alexis exactly what he'd said to them, what he'd promised them, but she knew she'd never find a better deal. Certainly not in Manhattan.

Everything in the apartment was old: the hardwood floors that desperately needed to be refinished, the peeling paint she and Grams had chipped off and covered with a soft, warm shade of green. The radiator whined, the light over the sink didn't work half the time, the water in the shower took a full minute to warm up, and the stove smoked no matter how well she cleaned it. It was nothing like her dad's flashy, modern loft. But it was hers—hers and Rosie's. There was safety and peace in this space. Choices and control. It steadied her, helped her move forward.

Castle poured hot water into two mugs, then took some tea bags out of a cupboard, noting the card on the counter. "What's this?"

Alexis saw he had Greg's number in his hand, and heat dusted across her cheekbones. "Oh. Rosie's doctor apparently 'has a soft spot for redheads.'" She made quotes in the air, feeling oddly defensive about the whole thing.

A strange, dark look crossed her father's face. "What do you mean? He asked you out?"

"We actually met a while back and went on a date. Before… Before I went missing. He's a really nice guy, and he's great with Rosie. I don't think he's just this creeper who picks up on single moms or anything like that."

Some of the aggressiveness calmed when she explained things. "I see."

"He asked me to call him. Have dinner with him."

"Are you going to?" He passed her mug of tea over and she wrapped her cold fingers around it. Once September had started to shift into October, anxiety had settled into her bones as deeply as the pre-winter chill. Ever since that awful basement, she couldn't stand to be cold.

"I don't know. He's nice…"

"But?"

"It just wasn't what I expected." Understatement of the century. No part of her life was anything like she'd expected.

"Alexis… It's okay to move on. You don't have to wait forever," Castle said. "If you like this guy, and you think you'd enjoy yourself, you should go."

"I know," she said dully.

"When was the last time you had a night with grownups?"

"You and I just had that movie marathon a couple weeks ago."

"Okay, when was the last time you went out and had fun?"

They both knew the answer to that. She hadn't been out on a date or anything like it since, well, her terrible first date with Greg. "What if I'm not ready to go out and have fun?" Alexis instantly regretted her choice of words.

"Alexis, you deserve to be happy."

"I am happy," she insisted. "I have Rosie and a roof over my head, and my family is all around me. What more could I ask for?"

Her father stirred sugar into his tea, declining to comment, though she saw the moment of indecision on his face. That conscious choice to not answer her question. "We got a really interesting case today," he said, quietly acknowledging that she was done talking about it.

Alexis listening with interest, asking questions in all the right places, until her plate was clear, her mug was empty, and the exhaustion pressing into her shoulders had grown too strong to ignore. She really, really hoped Rosie would let her sleep tonight.

After saying goodnight to her father and reminding him to not give Gina a reason to kill him, she'd cleaned up their tea and dressed for bed. She found herself standing in her bedroom next to the crib, her oversized pajamas dwarfing her petite frame. She stroked Rosie's hair away from her face, thinking, as she often did alone late at night, how her life had taken a course that she had never planned on, had never really wanted.

Alexis glanced at her dresser, where a small stack of envelopes lay, some opened, others still sealed. The most recent parcel had been postmarked from Dublin, and had arrived a couple days after her birthday. Inside the orange bubble mailer was a small white box and a single, scribbled note.

 _Happy Birthday._

 _I miss you every day._

Inside the box was a replica of her long-lost Celtic knot necklace—except Rosie's birthstone had been set into the sterling silver weave. Alexis had replaced the necklace in the box and the box inside the envelope. It wasn't the first gift he'd sent her. And like the others, it had found permanent residence on her dresser.

Despite all of her hours in therapy, Alexis couldn't shake the anger and sadness that flared every time she thought of him. She didn't want to be angry; she knew that the anger and bitterness from the first time she'd lost him had put her on that dangerous path, the path that had led to seven months inside his apartment, three weeks with an abuser, and almost a year of single motherhood. No, anger wouldn't help her. It had never helped her.

Still, his gift and letters, sent sporadically from Washington D.C. to Ireland and everywhere in between, did little to soothe the ache in her chest. It was a comfort to know he was still alive and well enough to be thinking of her, but her day-to-day routine, grieving alone, sleeping alone, taking care of their infant daughter alone, was making it more and more difficult to imagine any kind of future with him. She didn't know when he'd come back, if he'd come back. More than ten months had passed, and Alexis understood it could easily require another ten to complete the job. It was easier to keep him, and his gifts, in a collection of envelopes on her dresser—a consistent reminder, but easily forgotten when more pressing matters commanded her attention. She wondered if a time would come when the space on her dresser would be too much, when she'd pack him away for good.

Alexis settled into her full-sized bed, taking her customary spot in the middle. The upside to exhaustion was that it made her fall asleep almost instantly. She began to doze off when a cry ripped through the gorgeous silence of the bedroom.

She lay perfectly still, waiting and listening to see if Rosie would fall back asleep. After several minutes of listening to her daughter's cries and whimpers, Alexis forced herself from the comfortable warmth of her bed. She lifted her daughter out of the crib, holding her close, each of Rosie's tiny sobs echoing in her chest.

Alexis took a seat in the worn rocking chair in the corner of their bedroom, wrapping a blanket over the two of them as Rosie began to nurse again. "You're alright, my rose." She kissed the crown of her daughter's head. "Mommy's here."

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this first installment. It's kind of surreal for me to posting the final story in this series. Please review; I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Next time: We catch up with Kevin.


	2. Chapter 2

The Weight of Us

by

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Two

"All of us were only dreaming." — Imagine Dragons, "Dream"

* * *

He'd been many things in his life: a helpless boy, a fugitive from his own past, a stupidly optimistic homicide detective, a husband, a father, a criminal, and a powerless man who had everything to lose. These days he was something new, something different. Something powerful. These days, he was a king.

The luxurious building was stuffed to the gills with criminals, male and female, young and old. It was a celebration of sorts, a reward for those who stood by him. After several long months establishing himself—rising from his family's ashes and building a ruthless reputation upon the backs of those who stood in his way—he was finally the undisputed leader of the Nolan crime syndicate.

Kevin washed his hands methodically under the warm water and perfumed soap, allowing his mind to seek out more pressing matters. This was it. The final piece of the puzzle. He just had to secure the linchpin, and then his glorious, terrible creation would crumble around him.

He dried his hands, sparing a glance at himself to make certain that nothing was out of place. His three piece suit, black on black, was all crisp lines, displaying the lean, but powerful muscles beneath the expensive fabric. He toyed at his platinum cuff links, then took one last look at his face. Empty blue eyes stared back, hard and impassive as stone. The lines in his face were sharp, unforgiving. His hair had grown a little longer, slicked back as it was, straddling the line between artful disarray and a wild mane. The stubble-covered muscles around his mouth pulled his lips back to bare his teeth. It was more a snarl than smirk, but that was fine by him. He hadn't spent eleven months gaining a reputation as a predator only to look like an angel.

His eyes cut away from the caricature that he'd become, and Kevin stepped out of the bathroom.

The smell of alcohol, sex, and sweat took him by force; the pounding bass echoed in his bones. Everywhere he looked, his associates, his employees, and his business partners reveled in the festivities he'd provided for them. Drugs. Alcohol. Prostitutes. The artificial high that came from lowered inhibitions. Each one had a rap sheet a mile long, running the gamut from petty theft to murder. Kevin knew them all. He'd handpicked them, carefully separating the wheat from the chaff to build his legacy. His opus.

Everyone he passed watched him warily, their eyes flinching in a mix of terror and deference. Rather than wanting him, admiring him, or loving him, they swathed him in fear and respect and unyielding obedience, their sacrifices to an angry god. Every soul in that building knew what he was capable of, the power he commanded, the way fortunes were made and death warrants were signed at his inclination. The revelry itself was proof of the bliss he could provide to those who were deemed worthy.

His fine leather shoes carried him back to the small side room that overlooked the main areas of the house. His final mark tapped his foot impatiently. The man had arrived almost two hours before, eager to do business. Since then, the liquor had flowed generously, as had the cocaine. Kevin was an indulgent host, even doing a line himself to keep his treasured guest comfortable. Kevin had long ago learned his limits, how far he could dive into the darkness without drowning.

His mark was William MacClellan, a graying British ex-pat who ran a small but significant human trafficking ring out of the UK and was looking to expand into the United States. MacClellan had been wary, aggressive, and determined to control the tentative deal. MacClellan thought himself the ruler of his own empire.

But Kevin knew better, and he relished the opportunity to kick the man's filthy business down like a sandcastle. Between the two men, there was only one leader, one alpha, one king. And it sure as shit wasn't some drugged out Scot.

"Thought you'd gotten lost in the revelry," MacClellan mumbled.

"A man doesn't find himself in control of New York, Ireland, and half of the UK by losing himself in every party that passes him by," Kevin said, reminding the man exactly who he was dealing with.

"You've come quite a ways in a short time," MacClellan said. "It's quite impressive. I had Devin Sloane pegged for the job."

Kevin tapped his fingers on the curved mahogany arm of his seat. "So I've heard." Fucking Sloane. Almost a year cold in his grave, and the bastard was still causing trouble.

"He made certain promises to me. He was going to open a new market for me in the States."

"Sloane never had the power to keep those promises. This, on the other hand," Kevin gestured at the revelry and wealth around him,"has always been my birthright. You can't expect me to honor a promise made with stolen authority."

"I hear he made a habit of trying to steal from you," MacClellan said. "Whatever happened to the whore he took from you?"

Something hot thumped inside his empty heart. "You've been keeping tabs on the New York branch."

"It's my job to keep abreast of changes in the market."

"He killed her." The lie was harder to say than he'd expected.

"Pity."

"It was an unforgivable mistake," Kevin shrugged. "Sloane dug his own grave when he dared to take what was mine."

"I admired Sloane's intrepid attitude. Your grandfather was never willing to look beyond his traditions to see new ways of doing business."

"I'm not my grandfather, and I'm not Sloane."

MacClellan's eyes flashed. "If you're not interested, why the hell did you want to meet me?"

Kevin sat back and crossed his legs. "I never said I wasn't interested. You're the one who's been drinking my liquor and snorting my cocaine for the last two hours without making a single offer."

The Scot shook himself, then sat forward, a salesman's gleam entering his glazed eyes. "Alright, then. You know what I do. There are pretty girls everywhere. You'd be surprised how much some men are willing to pay."

"I paid plenty for mine, and she brought me nothing but trouble. I don't see what's so special about your girls."

"If a man with your tastes doesn't see the lure in my business, then your whore must not have been worth the money."

Hackles raised on the back of his neck, but Kevin held back the snarl that caught in his throat. "I'd suggest you worry more about gaining my support and less about my personal tastes. Your time is running out."

MacClellan gulped, and Kevin knew he had the man on a hook. He wanted the deal to go through just as much as Kevin did. "Pet," the man barked, and a girl who couldn't have been older than eighteen rushed forward. Her mocha skin glowed in the light, but he saw the tension in her muscles, the wideness of her dark eyes. She was frightened of him, and for good reason. She kneeled at his feet, huddled in lingerie that left little to the imagination.

The sight was too familiar, and it gave him the kick he needed to finish the deal. He lifted her chin, noting the slight flinch when his calloused fingers made contact with her face. "What's your name?"

She blinked at him for just a moment, then averted her eyes. "Sasha," she whispered in an accent he couldn't identify.

His thumb stroked the line of her jaw as he pulled his hand away. It was subtle, and it was the closest thing to comfort he could give her.

"If you'd like something different," MacClellan said," that can be arranged. I've brought several. They're back at my hotel."

"How much?"

"For the night?"

"To keep," Kevin said. "What's the going rate for a whore these days? I'd like to know how much of a cut I can expect if this partnership becomes a reality."

"You're considering it then?" MacClellan sounded surprised. "I would have thought with your history—"

"This is business," Kevin said succinctly. "And if you'd like to keep my business, you'll stay out of my personal affairs." His tone dropped low, closer to a growl. "I won't fucking tell you again."

"Of course. The base price is two-hundred-thousand pounds, and it varies depending on age, beauty, those kinds of things."

"Where do they come from?"

MacClellan frowned, and Kevin was quick to interrupt. "I need to know who might be looking for them. I haven't worked my ass off to get caught for selling some co-ed who got lost on spring break."

"They come from poor conditions. Most are runaways or sold by their families to keep food on the table."

That hot feeling burned across his chest again, and Kevin laced his hands, thrumming his fingertips against his knuckles as he pretended to think about his mark's offer. Sasha glanced up at him from beneath her eyelashes, and for a split second Kevin saw red hair, alabaster skin, and bright blue eyes. He took a deep breath to douse the growing heat across his rib cage. He stood up, offering his hand to the filthy Scot. "I believe we have a deal."

The man leaped to his feet. "You won't regret this."

That snarl-smirk marred his features as Kevin's hand locked the man's in a vice. "You will."

Shots rang through the room, and Kevin threw his body over the girl as bullets whizzed over them.

"Stay down," he barked in her ear before finding his feet, pulling his gun from his holster. Kevlar-clad law enforcement stormed through the building, arresting who they could and slinging bullets at those who tried to shoot their way to freedom.

Dodging bullets and fistfights, screams echoing in a dissonant melody with the pounding music, Kevin made his way to the center of the foyer, halfway down the grand staircase where everyone could see him. He raised his gun at a group of MI-5 agents, and two bullets impacted his chest, another grazing his bicep as he hit the floor, warm, sticky fluid gushing from his frame. The impact hurt like a son of a bitch, but something close to euphoria sang through his veins. Kevin let his eyes fall shut.

It was finally over.

* * *

"Morning, sunshine. How's my favorite dead mob boss?"

Kevin lifted his head from the lumpy pillow, bleary pictures of a long-lost lover fading into the depths of his waking mind. A blonde man in a neatly pressed suit stood over him, a set of keys dangling from his hand and a cup of coffee in the other.

"Dead bored," Kevin answered, his voice hoarse from disuse. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the filthy couch that had been his bed for nearly a week. "How's cleanup?"

Agent Shields took a seat on the edge of a lumpy, old armchair, his sharp eyes cutting over the shitty little safe house that Kevin had been holed up in. "Just about done. Thanks to our hard work and your nice theatrical death, everything's tied up in a neat little bow."

"Glad to be of service. Is that for me?" Kevin gestured to the coffee.

The blonde smirked, then took a pull from the coffee cup. "What do you think?"

"Bastard."

"That's not a very nice thing to say to your best friend."

"You're my handler. Not my friend."

"You might think twice about that when you see what I've brought." Shields tossed a manila envelope at him. "Interpol wants you. So does MI-5. But I told them you're already spoken for."

"What's this?" Kevin asked.

"Your next assignment."

Kevin's blood ran cold. He'd been told his job was one and done, but in the back of his mind he knew that deal was too good to be true. "There is no next assignment."

Shields shook his head, that shit-eating smile still attached to his face. "There's always a next assignment. Open it up."

Kevin looked in the file, and shock rooted him in place as he recognized the face staring back at him as his own. His eyes scanned through the accompanying name on the file.

 _Name: Kevin Ryan_

 _Age: 36_

 _Occupation: Analyst, Federal Bureau of Investigation, New York City Division_

"You're shitting me," Kevin said, hope banging against his ribs so hard it hurt.

"You're obviously too high-profile to stick with field work, but you've impressed just about everyone in this op. The FBI wants you to keep helping us fight the good fight. You'll see a contract along with your starting salary in the file. The job's not very exciting, but the wages are competitive and it offers full benefits."

"It's really that easy?" Kevin tried to keep the desperation from his voice. Nothing in his life had ever been easy. It was too much to hope that he'd catch a break now of all times.

"Fortunately only Sloane and your grandfather knew you as Kevin Ryan, so as long as you keep a low profile and don't do anything stupid, I don't see any reason why you can't go back to New York and pick up where you left off."

"Shields..." Kevin was at a loss for words. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"Are we friends now?"

"Friends? I could kiss you on the mouth."

The blonde agent smiled, then slapped Kevin on the shoulder. "Get cleaned up. Your flight leaves in an hour."

Kevin leaped to his feet, rushing around the shitty apartment with a new bounce in his step, and he shoved his few belongings into a duffel bag. He stopped for a moment when a flash of silver fell out of the pocket of a pair of pants. Kevin picked it up with reverence, letting his thumb travel over the twined silver knot. Joy cracked through his long-cold heart.

He was going home.

* * *

Author's Note: Sorry this took so long, guys. I hope you liked it. I'd love to know what you think, and I promise the next one will come sooner.

Next time: Kevin's back in New York, and Alexis has no idea how to handle it.


	3. Chapter 3

The Weight of Us

by

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Three

"Some dreams are better when they end." — Damien Rice, "The Greatest Bastard"

* * *

 _Chills slipped through her skin, penetrating muscle and bone, cooling her blood and wrapping tight around her chest._

 _Menacing black eyes glittered down at her from the all-too-familiar face. Her abuser. Pain echoed across her frame as the cheap lace negligee abraded her skin. Pinned under the weight of his gaze, his body, his desire and anger, she was rendered helpless. Trapped. Nowhere to run. No escape._

 _She sucked bitter air into her lungs, her cry for help turning to frost upon exhale. His broad hand wrapped around her throat. Fractures cut into the icy shell her skin had become._

 _"You belong to me."_

 _Ice spread through her synapses and the man on top of her gripped her throat ever tighter. "Mine," he promised. "You and that baby."_

 _Her child lay still, long frozen inside her. They would be reunited soon._

 _A puff of air slipped through her cracked purple lips, and the face above her changed, empty black eyes shifting to cold, empty blue. His smirk sent one final chill into her soul._

 _"I'll come back for you."_

Alexis jolted up, her heart working in overtime, her lungs desperate for air. She pressed shaking, cold fingers to her chest, finding comfort in the heat of her own skin, in the scar tissue that held her body together as much as it evidenced her ability to be torn apart. She was safe. She was alive. Her eyes skittered around, landing on the familiar details of her apartment. The locked deadbolt. The baby monitor on the coffee table. The door that led to her bedroom, where Rosie slept in her crib. They were both alive. Both safe.

She exhaled raggedly, wrapping her arms tight around herself as shudder rocked her body. Her apartment _was_ cold. That much hadn't been a dream. She crossed into her kitchen, closing the small window she'd left open to let out the smoke from her old oven, and turned up the radiator. November was in full swing, bringing winter temperatures and more triggers than Alexis knew how to handle. She'd thought time would heal her wounds, but every reminder, from the cold floor under her feet to the fresh snow outside sent her back to that safe house, back to Sloane, back to a time when she fought tooth and nail to save her own life and the fragile life inside her.

Alexis pulled a throw blanket off of her couch and wrapped it around her shoulders, sending her tablet computer tumbling onto the rug. She'd fallen asleep working on an invoice for her father's P.I. business. With a soft curse, she picked up the tablet, sighing in relief that she hadn't lost her work. She set the computer aside, her feet automatically carrying her to her bedroom. She picked Rosie up from her crib, careful not to wake the tiny redhead. For a long time, Alexis held her daughter to her chest, breathing in her scent, savoring the rise and fall of her back and the way Rosie's unruly hair tickled her face. Tears pricked in Alexis' eyes, and she bit her lip hard to hold back the panic that burrowed under her skin.

They were both alive. Both safe and sound. Nearly a year removed from that trauma. Her dad and Kate and Joanna were just upstairs. Everything was okay. Maybe if she told herself a million more times she'd believe it.

A light knock on the front door pulled her out of her reverie, and Alexis glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nearly eleven, way too late for her dad or Kate to stop by. And wouldn't they have called first? She set Rosie back down in her crib and pulled her cell phone from her pocket. Nothing. Goosebumps raised on her skin as she approached the front door. Maybe someone was looking for a neighbor and had knocked on Alexis' door on accident. Yes, that must be it. Still, she kept the chain on the door as she cracked it open.

Rational thought fled, and Alexis forgot how to breathe. The world had dropped out underneath her. The only thing holding her in place was that haunting blue gaze. She simply stared, breathless, confused, scrambling to understand how Kevin Ryan could be standing on her doorstep.

"Alexis," he breathed, his eyes wild, full of longing.

Her name on his lips sent her insides into convulsions, and her fingernails bit into her clenched palm. His hair was longer, slightly curled on the ends. Unkempt stubble hugged his jaw line. His wrinkled slacks and gray button-up were understated, but clearly not cheap. The collar of his wool coat hugged close to the black scarf around his neck. All he needed was a cigarette between his lips, and he would have looked just like the man who had spent a fortune to hide her inside his apartment. Not Kevin, her Kevin, the Kevin she'd always loved, even when she didn't want to, but this darker, wilder man who was accustomed to getting exactly what he wanted.

He took a step forward, and Alexis moved back, panic hollowing out her chest as she half-hid behind her door. What was he doing here? Why didn't he tell her he was back in town? A dark, terrifying thought ripped through her mind. Was he going to try to take her away again?

His steps faltered. "Alexis?"

She shook her head. "Kevin," his name on her lips sounded foreign, wrong. The whole thing felt like a dream, and she wondered if she was going to wake up in her lonely bed. "What are you doing here?"

He stepped closer, just a few inches away, far enough that she could reach out and touch him, close enough that the tip of one shoe crossed the line into her apartment. She had never been so thankful for the chain on her door.

"I said I'd come back for you..." He trailed off. His words were too close to her nightmare, and fresh chills ran down her spine. "Let me in and we'll talk about this." He pushed at the door, her meager form of protection, the look in his eyes somehow earnest and crazed at the same time. Alexis saw the hunger of a man who had been left wanting for a long time and believed he was going to get his reward.

Dread weighed her down like stones in her stomach "I can't."

"Alexis? what's wrong?"

"I can't." She pressed her shoulder against the door, panic growing when it wouldn't budge. She hid behind the door, pressing her back to the aged wood. "Please, I can't."

"Alexis—"

"I can't, Kevin. I can't." She didn't know what she couldn't do, exactly. Talk to him? Let him in? It seemed equally impossible. She just _couldn't_. Not when fear hugged each heartbeat, not when her own skin felt like it didn't belong to her, not when her mind kept superimposing images from her dream onto the man directly in front of her.

"Alexis!"

His raised voice pulled a gasp from her throat and she froze, her heart banging against her ribcage so hard she was sure he could hear it.

"Sweetheart…" His voice had a softer quality to it, soothing against the rough, raw edges of her psyche, warming the chill that sent her mind spinning back.

Something like a sob rose up in her chest, and she clapped her hand over her mouth, desperate to keep it in.

"I've missed you so much," he said.

A sharp cry rose from her bedroom, echoing in stereo on the baby monitor. No, no, no, no.

She heard his intake of breath. "Is that—"

Alexis threw her full weight against the door, sliding the deadbolt and chain home as soon as it shut all the way.

She flinched as Kevin's fist pounded on the door. "I want to see her!" He beat against the wood with renewed energy. "Let me in!"

She slid down to the floor, her arms wrapped tight around her chest. Rosie cried on, oblivious to her mother's crisis.

"Alexis, please! She's my daughter, too!"

Hands shaking, tears blurring her vision, she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed upstairs.

"Dad." Her voice cracked. "He's back."

* * *

If Rick was being honest with himself, he had hoped this day would never come.

 _He's back._

There had been no question of who his daughter was referring to. Rick had woken his wife before slipping shoes and a jacket on over his pajamas for the short journey downstairs. This was exactly why he'd pulled so many strings to keep Alexis in his building. He would be there when she needed him, any time she needed him; he wouldn't fail her again.

"Let me handle Ryan," Kate said to him on the short elevator ride. "You look after Alexis."

Rick nodded. It was for the best. If the writer had to confront the man who had abducted his daughter, he'd walk away bloody, likely with some criminal charges.

They heard Ryan's voice as soon as they stepped off the elevator.

"Alexis!" Pounding sounds punctuated his words. "Let me in! I need to see her! Please, just talk to me!"

The couple turned the corner, and heat burned through Rick's chest as he saw Kevin Ryan again for the first time in nearly a year. The man looked tired and disheveled and wild. Rick gritted his teeth. It would be harder than he'd expected to not get involved this time.

"Ryan," Beckett said sharply. "That's enough."

Some of the fight went out of the Irishman's eyes when he saw them. "I just want to see them," he said by way of explanation.

"And you think that showing up unannounced and terrifying my daughter is the way to do it?" Rick demanded. "Haven't you done enough already?"

"I didn't mean—"

"Why couldn't you just stay gone?"

"Castle," Kate scolded. "Remember the plan?"

Rick glared at his former friend, keeping his mouth shut as Kate pulled the crazed man down the hallway to the elevator.

"Come on, Ryan. I'll buy you a cup of coffee."

He waited until the elevator closed before pulling out his cell phone. "He's gone. Can I come in?"

Less than a minute later, he heard the deadbolt click and the chain fall loose on the door frame. The door opened to reveal a pale and tearstained Alexis, Rosie resting on her hip. His granddaughter watched him sleepily, a pacifier in her mouth. "I'm sorry I woke you," Alexis said. "I didn't know what else to do."

"I'm glad you called." He locked the door behind them. "Are you alright?"

Alexis hugged her daughter closer. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she shook her head. "I don't think I am."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not yet." Her voice broke, a sob slipping through her lips.

In an instant, Rick's arms wrapped around both of them. He'd seen his daughter cry countless times in the last year, and it never got any easier. He thought that a year would change the feeling of helplessness, the knowledge that there were broken pieces inside Alexis that he couldn't fix. It clearly wasn't long enough.

"You want to sleep upstairs tonight?"

He felt her nod against his chest. "Is that okay?"

Rick kissed the crown of her head. "Always."

* * *

"When did you get back in town?"

"Couple hours ago." Kevin fidgeted with his paper cup. He'd opted for hot chocolate. Thanks to his trans-continental flight, his body had no idea what time it was. Fatigue wore at the edges of his mind, pressed heavily across his shoulders, but caffeine didn't seem like a good idea. Unease and restlessness had already burrowed under his skin.

"And the first thing you decided to do was show up at Alexis' apartment?" Kate frowned from behind her coffee cup. "That was a pretty dumb move."

He fought the urge to glare at his former partner. "It's been a year."

"Exactly. You don't think she could have benefitted from a little notice?"

"I promised her I'd come back for her. How was I supposed to know she'd react like that?" He rubbed his face with a sigh. "I don't understand. She didn't want me to leave in the first place. She begged me to stay. She said–" He swallowed thickly. "She said she loved me." Alexis' pale, frightened face was seared into his mind. He'd had almost twelve months to imagine their long awaited reunion, and never had it occurred to him that she'd be afraid. That she'd hide from him and deny him the chance to see his daughter.

Kate set down her cup and fixed him with the penetrative glare she'd always reserved for suspects. "She's not the same person you left, Ryan. It's been a long and difficult year for her, and she's had to face most of it alone."

Guilt turned the sweet chocolate bitter on his tongue. He'd been so focused on his assignment, on simply getting home, on picking up where he and Alexis left off. Shame curled in his stomach as he realized that he'd never considered that she'd be going through a journey of her own. "So what do I do?" he asked. "How can I get through to her? Rosie's birthday's coming up..."

"For starters, you can't show up unannounced and expect her to welcome you back into her life. Let her come to you on her own terms. Give her time."

"But—"

"I'll get you an invite to the party," she assured him. "I promise. And in the mean time, you need to focus on getting your life back together so when Alexis does come to you, you'll have something to offer her."

He shook his head. The subtle accusation in her words sent his defenses flying up. "And here I thought we were two old friends getting coffee. You're here to yell at me, too?"

Kate eyes narrowed a bit, pinning him in his seat with the force of her gaze. "I'm glad you're back home, Ryan, but she's like a daughter to me. Castle was right; she's been through a lifetime of pain already. If you can't be the man we had all hoped you would be, then you're better off staying away." She stood up, her empty cup in hand.

"Wait." Kevin stood as well. He couldn't burn the last bridge he had with the people from his old life. "I'm sorry. Will you give her my number?"

She nodded stiffly, and he shared the number to his new cell phone. "Thank you, Beckett. I... You're the only one who has always given me the benefit of the doubt. You don't know what that means to me."

"I'll pass on your number, but promise me that you'll think about what I said."

"I will. I'll," he sighed, familiar insecurity taking root, "wait for her to come to me."

She nodded. "Give Agent Shields my regards." A small half-smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "And Ryan, get some rest. You look terrible."

The brunette left him alone in the dingy, twenty-four hour diner. Kevin sat back down and rested his face in his hands. He'd waited a year to see her again, and now he had to wait some more. While a nagging, mean voice told him he deserved it, a much bigger, much more desperate part of him hoped she wouldn't make him wait too long.

* * *

Author's Note: So... I suck. Sorry you had to wait so long, guys. I don't think I've ever agonized over anything quite as much as this chapter. It took about eight different tries to get to this. I really, _really_ hope you like it. Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed. It's been a great motivator to see how many people enjoy this series. I hope you'll review again—I'd love some feedback, and I'll do my best to not make you wait so long for the next one.


	4. Chapter 4

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Four

"So I wait but I never seem to learn how to capture your diminishing returns." — Death Cab for Cutie, "You've Haunted Me All My Life"

* * *

The wait was killing him.

His feet pounded against the pavement, carrying him on a path that had become second-nature in the nine days that he'd been back in New York. The winter chill scraped inside his lungs, numbing him to everything but the physiological stress of jogging in forty-degree weather. His sweatshirt and thermal pants kept him warm, but still couldn't breathe worth a damn.

Kevin veered off the path and leaned hard against a tree, stretching away the tightness in his calves as he caught his breath. He checked the pedometer on his phone: three miles. Nowhere near his best run. He really needed to stop smoking.

It was strange being back in New York. He hadn't been gone long, but it seemed like everything had changed. He still felt out of place, a sense of unease haunting his every step. He'd left New York six or seven months earlier to begin his takeover of the European syndicate. It had been just as difficult to leave as it had been to stay. The knowledge that Alexis was stubbornly rebuilding her life nearby, city blocks the only things separating him from the mother of his child, had been a comfort and a curse. Once he'd stepped foot on foreign soil, his focus had grown along with the ache inside him. He'd been so desperate to come home.

He checked his call log, knowing full well that it hadn't changed since he'd checked it before his run, hadn't changed in the nine days he'd been waiting. Why wouldn't she call him? Her absence in his newly reinstated life hung heavy on his shoulders, almost a tangible thing. With Rosie's first birthday just four days away, he didn't know how much longer he could wait. Whatever Alexis anxieties, he wouldn't miss his daughter's first birthday. That was one thing he would not compromise on.

With a deep breath, he pushed off into the last leg of his run, back to his apartment a few blocks away. Perhaps by the time he got home, exhaustion would take the edge off the wild abandon just under his skin. If not, well, there was always the punching bag he kept tucked away in the corner of his living room. Despite his few vices and his brand-new desk job, Kevin was well on his way to being in the best shape of his life.

He pushed his front door open, tensing at the sounds of cooking and the smell of bacon. He was always on alert these days, an occupational hazard of spending more than four years as a criminal. But hit men didn't tend to cook for their victims, and he had a pretty good idea who was in his apartment. He took a deep breath and released the tension in his shoulders as he walked into the kitchen.

"You know, it's a little unnerving that you can break into my apartment so easily. Doesn't exactly make me feel safe."

His sister shrugged, flipping a pancake over in the pan. "So give me a key and I'll stop breaking in."

A veritable feast of breakfast food was spread out over his kitchen counter—much more than they could eat. Unease slipped through his belly at the hot stove and the knife on the cutting board. Was she safe to be alone with those things? She seemed normal enough, standing in front of him in clean, well-fitting clothes, flipping pancakes like it was the most normal thing in the world. Like she hadn't spent the last several months in therapy, recovering from a catastrophic brain injury. "What's this about?"

She frowned. "I can't cook dinner for my big brother?"

She'd said the exact thing, word for word, when she'd made him lasagna the night before. Kevin frowned. "You made dinner yesterday, too. Do you remember?"

"I know it was yesterday, Kevin."

"Okay… Just making sure–"

"Well, don't." Silence set in for a moment, and Brigid put a new pancake on the plate before pouring more batter into the pan. "Breakfast for dinner. It's comfort food."

He took the remaining bowl of batter and emptied it into the garbage. "I think we have more than enough comfort here."

His sister rolled her eyes and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. The light pink scar was just visible through her cropped, blonde locks. Though several months had passed since her final brain surgery, it would be a while yet before her hair was back to its original length. For all intents and purposes, she looked the same as ever, but Kevin had heard accounts of the darkness that bubbled just beneath the surface.

"Moira know you're here?" he asked.

"You think she'd let me out of her sight if she didn't think someone else was babysitting me?"

He popped a piece of bacon into his mouth. "Good point." Their grandmother would flay him alive for leaving Brigid unsupervised, purposely or not.

"She wants you to come over more. She keeps complaining that you've only made time to see her once since you've been back."

"I've been busy—"

"I wouldn't mind it, either. You can take her attention off me for a minute."

Kevin squeezed her arm gently and grabbed some shiny new plates out of his cupboard. "You always were her favorite."

Brigid placed the final pancake on a plate and carried it over to the kitchen table. "Alexis call yet?"

Kevin smoothly turned off the oven behind her. "Nope."

"I'm sorry, Kev."

He sighed, slumping into his seat. "Me too."

"Eat up," she said, piling his plate with more food than he could eat. "It'll help you feel better." Brigid took a seat next to him, anxious fingers tearing her pancake into pieces as she watched him.

He took a few bites, more to appease his sister than anything else. A question popped into his head. "Did you ever meet... have you seen…" He paused.

"Roisin?" Brigid nodded. "I saw her a lot when we were in the hospital at the same time. Less so once she went home."

"Why's that?"

"Moira's not a fan of her first great-grandchild being born out of wedlock. She let Alexis know that in no uncertain terms." Brigid's foot tapped nervously against the leg of her chair. "And Alexis gave back as good as she got. It was ugly. Be glad you weren't here for that."

Kevin rested his head in his hands. He'd missed so much. "I don't know how to keep doing this. How to keep waiting. Am I really so terrible?"

"Alexis thinks you're terrible?"

"I don't know what she's thinking. She won't talk to me." He speared a piece of bacon on his fork. "She looked at me like I was the bogey man, and she's shut me out ever since."

"Do you want me to talk to her? I mean, we're not close anymore, but I could at least try to find out what the problem is."

Kevin shook his head. "I promised Beckett that I'd let her come to me." A heavy sense of resignation settled into his gut, warring with the anxiety that clawed at his insides. He wouldn't miss his daughter's birthday, promises be damned. And Kate had assured him he wouldn't miss the special occasion, but how would he be able to attend if Alexis truly didn't want him there?

A perfect re-creation of Alexis' pale, shocked expression flashed into his mind. He'd expected a warm reunion, an embrace, or even a kiss.

 _I can't. Please, I can't._

He didn't recognize the broken note in her voice or the wild fear in her eyes. Alexis had always seemed so strong, indestructible and stubborn even in the worst of circumstances. The woman he'd seen looked fragile and exhausted and afraid of the entire world. Kate had been right. Alexis wasn't the woman he'd left in that hospital hallway all those months ago.

"So you're really going to keep on waiting?" Brigid pressed.

He picked at the runny eggs on his plate, not quite able to meet his sister's eyes. "For now."

* * *

"…so it turned out to be a case of Hashimoto's. The endocrinologist wasn't pleased to be proven wrong."

"And certainly not by a lowly family practice doctor," Alexis supplied with a small smile.

Greg returned her smile with a grin of his own. "Certainly not."

Rosie's doctor had taken the initiative in the month or so since Alexis had last seen him, calling every so often to check in on Rosie, offering free pediatric consultations over the phone, and, of course, gently asking Alexis out for coffee. And in the days since Kevin showed back up, demanding entrance to her life, Alexis was glad to have a friend outside all of her messy baggage. She'd surprised Greg by accepting his offer, and the last few hours had been a glorious distraction. Though the night was almost over and they were walking back to her apartment, she wasn't quite ready to face all her troubles again.

"Do you think you'll ever start practicing again?" he asked. "Maybe when Rosie starts school?"

Alexis shrugged. "I don't know." Her hiatus from the coroner's office wasn't simply because she wanted to be a more readily available mother.

"Did you ever go back to work?"

She nodded. "When Rosie was still in the NICU, I—" she shook off the memories of endless nightmares. "I needed a distraction, so I pulled some strings to ride along with Dr. Parrish, one of the medical examiners, during her shift." She frowned as her recollection turned sour. "I didn't last the morning. As soon as we arrived on the scene, I had a panic attack."

Greg's expression was all-too-understanding. "It brought up memories of your abduction?"

"How did you guess?" Alexis asked drily.

"I read the papers like everyone else. You were headline news for a long time."

"So I've heard." She'd made headline news when she'd come home, too.

"Hey, it's okay." Greg's gloved hand squeezed her own. "I can only imagine what you've been through, but you've created a good life for yourself and your little girl."

A question nagged at the back of her mind. The same question that had relentlessly pinged back and forth since the dust settled on Kevin's reappearance. "Is it really true that kids of single-parent homes struggle more than others?"

"Huh?"

"Have you seen evidence of that in your practice?" Alexis pressed.

He shook his head. "I've read the studies, but in my experience the amount of love and support the child receives is much more important than the number of parents." He smiled reassuringly. "She's going to be fine."

"Rosie's dad is back in town." She had blurted the words out before she was fully cognizant of her decision to bring it up. So much for a distraction, but perhaps an outside perspective would be helpful. Her father was bitter and protective, assuring Alexis that she was well within her rights to deny Kevin from seeing their daughter. Kate was the opposite, gently and consistently reminding Alexis that Kevin had been through hell for the opportunity to see Rosie grow up.

His lips twisted like he'd just tasted something sour. "Her dad?"

"He wants to come to her birthday…" She stopped at the confusion on Greg's face. "What?"

"You never talked about her dad before. I didn't realize he was even part of the picture. And with your abduction I guess I thought…" He shook his head. "Nevermind."

"You thought Rosie was the product of assault?" The words were bitter on her tongue.

"It's none of my business."

Alexis sighed. She shouldn't be surprised. The press had assumed as much, too.

"So… He's back in town? What does that mean? Has he been gone long?"

"He's had business overseas…" She twisted her hands together. It wasn't even close to a reasonable explanation, but it was the best she could give. "And now he's back and expects to be part of her life."

"That's good."

"Is it?"

"As long as he's capable of giving her what she needs," he explained. "I meant what I said, love and support are the most important thing. If he can give her that, then it'll be good for her. Might be good for you too. Single parenthood isn't easy, even with as great a support system as you have. Kids raised in supportive, joint custody families do really well, too."

Alexis cringed.

"Unless you think she's unsafe with him?"

She shook her head. "I know he'll be a great father." Dread and guilt twisted her stomach. It was the same conclusion she'd come to a million times. So why was it so impossible for her to pick up the phone and call him? Alexis saw similar uncertainty in her friend's expression. "This is all just moving too fast for me," she admitted sheepishly.

"One day at a time, Red. That's all you can do."

They found themselves in front of her door, and anxiety prickled at the back of her neck. "Umm… Thanks, Greg," she said, pretending to be busy looking for her keys. She'd enjoyed his company and the adult conversation, but what if he'd thought it was something more?

He nodded. "Me too. Do you mind if I come in? Just to say goodnight to Rosie?" Her face must have betrayed her anxiety, because he quickly added. "I'll be in and out in a heartbeat. I promise."

She bit her lip, then smiled. "Okay. You can meet my friend Javier. He's the one I told you about—the homicide detective who's teaching Rosie Spanish…"

Alexis and Greg stepped inside her apartment, never noticing the man standing down the hall, just outside the elevators, who had seen everything.

* * *

Kevin burst through the doorway to Alexis' building, fury burning through his veins. He carried a bouquet of roses in his hand, shoving the offensive flowers into the nearest garbage can as he stomped home.

He couldn't believe what he'd just seen. He'd decided to seek her out again, to talk and get her to understand that he wasn't and would never be a threat. He'd thought that Alexis wasn't calling because she was afraid, because she didn't know how to handle him being back. He'd never imagined it was because she'd already replaced him. Christ, Kevin had to stay away and let her take her sweet time calling him, but she seemed to have no such compunction with allowing some strange man into her life.

He arrived back at his apartment, immediately reaching into his fridge for a cold bottle of beer. He chugged it down, seeking some relief for the searing darkness just under his skin. All too soon, the bottle was empty, and he took a deep breath to steady himself.

Alexis had smiled at this guy. Just days after she'd treated Kevin like a disgusting monster. With a growl, he threw the beer bottle against the wall, feral satisfaction racing through him at the sound of it shattering upon impact.

He pulled out another beer, following it up with whiskey. He was well into the bottle by the time his phone rang, showing a number he didn't recognize.

He let it go to voicemail.

* * *

Alexis stood in front of Kevin's door, steeling herself for the conversation to follow. Part of her hoped he wasn't home, but the fact that he hadn't returned any of her phone calls hung heavy on her shoulders. So she'd enlisted Kate to get his address, take her to his apartment, and wait outside while Alexis delivered Rosie's birthday invitation and tried to explain herself. She couldn't avoid him forever; she'd probably already avoided him for too long.

Alexis took a deep breath, raised her hand, and knocked. Each second seemed to last a lifetime, and then the door opened.

His eyes widened, and just as quickly, flattened out. That tiny inkling of surprise disappeared behind layers of ice.

"Hi," she breathed. Heat rushed into her face with each microsecond she stood on his doorstep, his blank expression sending her insecurities into the stratosphere. He'd asked to see her. Why didn't he look happier?

"Where's Rosie?"

"Um." Alexis tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her gaze slipping away from his eyes. "She's at home with Dad. I thought you and I should talk uninterrupted."

Kevin backed away from the door, turning away from her. "You might as well come in."

Alexis stared at the space he'd been standing in for a moment, disappointment seeping into her chest. He wasn't happy to see her, after all. She took a few steps forward, softly closing the door behind her. His apartment was nice, much nicer than hers. It was utilitarian but in a masculine, minimalist way. The FBI must be taking good care of him.

Once she'd shut the door, Kevin turned to her, leaning casually against the wall. "To what do I owe this surprise?" His eyes never quite met hers, and his mouth looked like it had forgotten how to smile. She must have interrupted his workout; the black v-neck shirt hugged his chest and arms like a second skin, and a hand towel lay around his neck, gathering up beads of sweat. His arms were crossed in front of him, exposing lean, corded muscle.

"Kate said you wanted to talk?" His behavior was making her uneasy. The man in front of her didn't look like he wanted to talk. He looked like a caged animal, ready to pounce. That response didn't seem to satisfy him, and silence hung heavy between them. Alexis licked her lips and tried again. "It's good to see you."

He laughed, a cold and cruel laugh that set her hair on end. "Is it?"

"I'm glad you're safe," she answered carefully

"You just wish I was safe somewhere else. Is that it?" He stepped closer, and Alexis found herself looking for escape routes.

"Why would you think that?"

"Makes things easier, doesn't it? Not having me around? You can move on with your life, meet new people," he was less than a foot away, "find some other guy to help raise my daughter."

Panic dropped like a stone in her stomach. "What?"

"After everything that happened, after the last year, you can't be bothered to pick up the phone? You told me you loved me. Guess it didn't stick, huh? What's this other guy have that I don't? Why the hell does he get to spend time with my daughter, but I'm not worth a fucking phone call?"

Alexis backed up. She'd never seen him so angry. This wasn't the Kevin she remembered. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb, Alexis. I saw you with him the other night."

The thrill of fear his tone incited paled in comparison to her indignation. "Are you stalking me?"

"I promised I'd come back for you!" His teeth snapped shut, and he jerked his head to the side, lowering his voice. "Guess I'm too late, huh? I didn't realize your feelings had an expiration date."

Every time Alexis had mentally rehearsed their conversation, she'd felt guilt, embarrassment, anxiety. The hot, thrilling anger burning in her chest was surprising, but in the best way. It felt a hell of a lot better than fear, than shame. She stepped forward, right up in his face. "You were gone a year! You up and left the day she was born and since then I've had to raise her alone! You left us alone!"

"I didn't have a choice. You know—"

"I know you lied to me for years about who you really were. I know you've spent the last year atoning for sins you never should have committed in the first place."

"You have no idea what my life has been like! You want to play the martyr and pretend I don't exist, meanwhile, I'm missing out on my own daughter's life while you're busy screwing around with some asshole?"

His words were hot on her face and loud in her ears, but she couldn't bring herself to back down. "He's her doctor, you idiot! And not that it's any of your business, but he's just a friend—"

"Like hell it's not my business!"

"—and if you want to blame someone for missing out on Rosie's life, then you should look in a mirror! All of this is your fault!"

Those six damning words, so careless flung from her lips, broke whatever anger she had left. Alexis clapped her hands over her mouth as something sharp flashed in Kevin's eyes, something that made Alexis' blood run cold. Her back hit the wall. "Kevin, I—"

Silence reigned for several heartbeats. To his credit, Kevin didn't pounce on her despite the crazed anguish in his expression. He shook his head, exhaling raggedly. "I guess I can't argue with you there."

"No, I didn't mean—"

"Yes, you did." He retreated, leaving several feet of space between them, all the fight seemed to leave his frame. He rubbed his face for a moment. "Are you going to let me see her, Alexis? Yes or no."

She bit her lip, then reached into her purse. "I brought you an invitation to her birthday party. I'm sorry it's late notice, but the party's—"

"Tomorrow. I know her birthdate."

Heat rose in her face. "Of course." She held out the invitation, and anxiety bit at her skin every second that he let her hand rest in the air between them.

He plucked it from her hand. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Her arms wrapped around her middle. "Kevin, I'm sorr—"

"What's she like?" he asked, his eyes flitting over the card. He clearly wasn't interested in Alexis' apology.

"Umm…" She nervously tugged at the hem of her shirt, her mind racing to accommodate such a simple request as she stared at some point beyond Kevin's face. "She's a handful—in the best way. She's quick to throw a tantrum, but even quicker to laugh. She's stubborn, you know? But she's sweet, too. She likes pink. Dad spoils her, of course. She's got everyone wrapped around her little fingers." She paused when her eyes finally made contact with his, momentarily stopped at the amount of sheer longing in Kevin's expression. "She has your eyes."

The corner of his mouth tugged upward in a ghost of a smile. "I can't wait to meet her."

Silence set in again. The uncertainty was stifling, and the gap between them had never seemed so wide. Alexis' phone pinged, and she couldn't deny the small bit of relief at the interruption. "Kate's waiting downstairs," Alexis said by way of explanation.

"Right." It seemed to make perfect sense to him that Alexis couldn't face him alone. Something like shame curdled in her stomach. "Well, thank you for the invitation. I'll plan to attend the party, if that's okay with you."

She forced a smile to her face. "I wouldn't invite you if I wasn't okay with it."

Her words were meant to reassure him, but she immediately another meaning etched into the fear in Kevin's eyes: she wouldn't hesitate to cut him out of Rosie's life. God, could she say anything without hurting him? "I mean—"

"I understand," he said quietly. "Thanks for coming by, Alexis. I'll see you at the party."

Words tangled on the tip of her tongue, questions and reassurances, apologies and heartfelt requests. Instead, the muscles of her mouth stretched into that parody of a smile, she said. "You're welcome. I'll see you then."

The door closed quietly behind her, and Alexis' feet carried her to the lobby on autopilot. Her mind raced to process everything that had just happened, to understand how somewhere during their conversation she'd turned into the bad guy.

"How was it?" Kate asked.

"It went well." No three words had ever felt like such a momentous lie. "Kevin's coming to the party tomorrow."

"Good!" Kate said as they walked back to the car. "I'm glad you two are working things out."

Alexis didn't respond. Whatever "working things out" meant, it had never felt so impossible.

* * *

Authors Note: Another long-awaited update. Ugh, this situation is so complicated. Thanks so much for your patience, everyone. I really do appreciate it, and thanks so much to everyone who left feedback on the last chapter. It was very, very helpful. Please review!

Next time: The gang is reunited at Rosie's first birthday.


	5. Chapter 5

The Weight of Us

by:

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Five

"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed. It cuts me with every could have been." — Imogen Heap, "Wait It Out"

* * *

"That's so great, mom," Alexis said brightly to the real-time computer image of her mother. She adjusted Rosie on her lap, smoothing the baby's outfit while Rosie squirmed in her mother's hold.

"It's an amazing opportunity. Well, I need to run. No rest for the wicked," Meredith said with a grin, her voice pitching. "Happy birthday, my darling Rose!"

Alexis took Rosie's hand. "Say 'bye' to grandma!" The infant waved dismissively at the screen, more interested in escaping her mother's grasp so she could play, and Alexis laughed. "Bye, mom. I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie. I'll call you soon."

The Skype call ended, and Alexis breathed a sigh of relief. Her sporadic phone calls with her mother often felt more like a production than anything else. Meredith had visited Alexis right after Rosie was born and had spent those three weeks gushing about the baby and hovering around Alexis, never once asking questions about her daughter's long disappearance or pregnancy. It seemed Meredith didn't know what to do with her daughter's baggage.

"How's Grandma Meredith?" Castle asked from his place on the other side of the bar, where he was preparing h'ordeuvres for Rosie's birthday party later that evening.

"Maternal as ever. She was just offered a recurring role in a TV series. She'll be playing a spy or something."

"And that's why she couldn't visit for her only grandchild's first birthday?"

"Her absence is gift enough," Alexis said with a sigh, wondering how she had ever thought that she could be close to her mother. She'd lived with Meredith, briefly, while attending med school at UCLA. Alexis spent her days in classes, her nights studying, and Meredith seemed content to let her daughter stay busy while she chased men and fame. When Alexis thought hard about it, she could only recall a handful of times she and her mother had quality time in the three years she'd been in LA. Rosie whined in her arms, wiggling to get down on the floor and explore the kitchen, and Alexis helped her to her feet, watching as the tiny redhead held onto the cabinet doors as she maneuvered around, her chubby legs shaking beneath her.

"She'll be walking soon," Castle said.

"Can I say she's growing up too fast yet?"

"Just wait until she's going out with friends and daydreaming about boys."

"My daughter? Never."

"I used to say the same thing," he reminded her.

She smiled fondly, watching Rosie crawl around the kitchen. "Dad, there's one other party logistic we need to discuss."

"What's that?"

"Kevin. He's coming to the party."

All the humor left his face. "Why?"

Alexis took a breath, steeling herself for the argument to follow. "Because I invited him."

"I hate to sound like a broken record, but—"

"Because he's Rosie's father," Alexis answered, pretending to be interested in the bowl of chips on the counter. It was no secret that Rick had never even tried to forgive Kevin's trespasses. Kevin was about as low on Castle's list as a person could be.

"Getting you pregnant does not automatically make that man a father," Castle muttered.

"Dad, he wants to be part of Rosie's life."

"And you really think that's a good idea?"

"Why wouldn't it be? He loves her; he wants to be involved."

"There isn't enough time in the day for me to get through a list of reasons why that's a bad idea."

"Dad—"

"How many times has that man left you, honey? How many times has he lied to you?"

"It's different this time," Alexis insisted.

"How is it different? Do I need to remind you what happened the last time he wandered into your life?"

Heat rushed to her face as shame twisted in her stomach. "I got pregnant. Rosie's his daughter, too."

"He ripped you out of your life, Alexis. He locked you up, isolated you, got you mixed up with dangerous people. Hell, he's the reason you ended up being that madman's play—"

"Stop!" Alexis snapped. She ran her fingers through her hair, hands shaking. Not once had her father ever been so blunt about what she'd gone through, about his side of the story. The worst part was, she couldn't exactly argue with him. His version of events was simplified, lacking the emotional depth that Alexis had experienced in all those months she'd been away, but it was still technically correct.

"Ma?" Rosie crooned from her spot on the floor, and Alexis picked her up, holding her close. Rosie touched her face, affectionately nuzzling close, then watching her mother's reaction with those dark eyes that never ceased to remind Alexis of Kevin.

She cleared her throat. "So, what dad? You wish none of this had happened? You wish I never got pregnant?"

In an instant, Castle closed the space between them, his arms wrapped around his daughter and granddaughter. "You know I love you both more than words can say," he said quietly. "And your little girl is the only bright spot in that mess. I wouldn't give up being her grandpa for anything. But that doesn't mean that I'm okay with you letting him back into your lives."

"It's not your decision."

"I know. But you have to remember, honey, this decision doesn't affect just you. You're not the only one here who can end up hurt."

Alexis hugged Rosie a little tighter, and the infant squirmed, ready to resume her play. "I haven't forgotten."

"Then why is he coming to the party? How can you risk so much for him?"

She set Rosie back down on the floor, watching her move along at her clumsy, eager pace. Despite her rough entry into the world, she was a happy child, sweet and stubborn and lively. She had everything she needed, and she didn't want for much. She was too young to want for anything, really. But Alexis knew that Rosie's life was incomplete, even if the child was too young to know it herself. Rosie needed her father, and Alexis suspected that Kevin needed his daughter, too.

"They deserve to know each other, dad. I won't stand in the way of that." Alexis felt a little tension slip away at her declaration, and she knew she'd made the right decision. "Now, what else do we need to do before the party?"

* * *

Kevin nervously stood on Castle's doorstep, the same place he'd been standing for several minutes. He could hear the party going on inside, but something heavy and numbing kept him from knocking on that door. It had been years since he'd been to the loft, and he knew that, in light of recent and not-so-recent events, he couldn't expect a warm welcome.

Still, it was his daughter's birthday. His little rose was turning one. He couldn't miss another milestone.

He raised his hand and knocked, his stomach twisting in knots as he waited for the door to open.

Beckett opened the door. "You're late."

"I know."

"Well, come on in."

Kevin stepped across the threshold and followed her into the den, where an all-too-familiar group was clustered around an all-too-familiar redhead. He felt everyone's eyes on him, their questions, their anger, but it all faded as soon as his eyes landed on his daughter.

Rosie was perched in Alexis' lap, small, chubby fingers tugging at a gift that she seemed to be "helping" her mother unwrap. Her hair was the same shade as her mother's, but while Alexis' was fine and smooth, Rosie's seemed thicker and certainly more wild. Tiny ponytails stuck out on either side of her head, the ends curling. The infant looked like Alexis' double in miniature. They had the same nose, their eyes were the same shape, and they had the same pointed chin.

Rosie's face lit up with delight as her mother touched a button on the toy she'd just been given and a song began playing. Her eyes, darker than her mother's, almost identical to Brigid's, narrowed as she clumsily tried to replicate the action that had created the sound. Alexis gently guided her daughter's palm to press against the button and Rosie shrieked in delight when it played another song, a toothless grin splitting her face.

Kevin's heart stopped and then stumbled forward on the sound, and his eyes hungrily took in every detail he'd missed for so long. Rosie was bigger than Sarah had ever been, though not by much. Her tiny legs wiggled underneath her skirt in delight. Every facial expression was emphatic—another quality he remembered from growing up with Brigid.

"Say 'thank you' to Aunt Lanie," Alexis said. Kevin watched as Lanie took the small girl in her arms, hugging her gently. Rosie's head nestled in the crook of Lanie's neck as she returned the hug, but only for one brief moment before she was all wiggles and excitement once again.

Watching the short exchange, Kevin felt as if he'd been kicked in the chest and the gut simultaneously. His daughter seemed totally at ease with all the people surrounding her, yet he was a stranger.

Martha whispered something to Alexis, and her head turned to Kevin's, her eyes widening. He watched her force that same, almost painful looking smile to her lips. "Kevin, hi." Her voice sounded wrong, somehow too bright and too sharp for the tension in her frame and the small space. Rosie's attention turned to her mother, instinctively sensing the difference in her demeanor. She leaned into Alexis' arms, and the redhead mindlessly embraced her daughter, her eyes still on Kevin.

That tension spread across the room, and Kevin found himself mirroring Alexis' empty smile. "Hey."

Castle stood up, clearly fighting some stronger urge to push Kevin out of his apartment, and Kevin was glad for Kate's presence at his side. Alexis snapped out of her reverie, "Dad." Her voice was threaded through with anxiety. "I think the birthday girl is ready for cake. Can you go get it ready, please?"

"I'll help," Kate offered, stepping away from Kevin's side to thread her arm through her husband's. Castle didn't turn his glare away from Kevin, even as he was dragged into the kitchen.

Acutely missing his armor but relieved to be out of Castle's crosshairs for just a moment, he stepped closer to Alexis, making it two steps before Lanie stood in front of him. The M.E. looked taller than Kevin remembered, but perhaps that was because he'd never felt so small. Kevin forced himself to keep eye contact. "Hi, Lanie."

She looked like she'd never been so insulted. "That's all you have to say for yourself? Hi? After everything—"

"Baby," Javier said sharply. "Aaron and Joanna want some cake, too."

It was then that Kevin noticed the little boy on the other side of his former partner, who looked to be no older than three or four, next to a slightly older girl who looked just like Kate.

Something bittersweet twisted through his chest as he recognized his former best friend's features in the little boy's face. In the back of his mind, he recalled Alexis telling him about Javi and Lanie's son, about her younger sister, but seeing the children was a different matter altogether. Lanie stepped away, a frown twisting her features.

"I'm sorry," Kevin said quietly.

She paused for just one moment, then escaped to the kitchen as well. Kevin looked to Javier for gratitude, but his former partner wouldn't make eye contact. He simply took the two children by the hand and led them to the kitchen.

"Rosie, someone has a surprise for you," Alexis said, redirecting his thoughts exactly where they should be. He shook himself, then took the final steps to close the gap. He'd gone about three feet, but it felt like ten miles.

"Mind if I sit?" he asked Alexis.

"You've got your pick of the seats," she said with a small smile. He didn't know if she was trying to make him feel better or worse.

There was no hint of anger on her face like he'd seen the day before, but her words didn't make him feel any better. He took a seat on the edge of the couch, close to Alexis and his daughter, but not next to them.

"Sweetie," Alexis said softly, getting Rosie's attention. "Say hi."

Rosie's large eyes landed on him briefly, more inquisitive of the packages in his lap than of him. Still, it was nice to not be viewed as a threat.

"Hi, Rosie," Kevin said softly, his voice catching on her name. He noticed Martha was the only one who hadn't moved. She watched his interactions with Alexis from across the den, her face betraying neither hate nor happiness. If anything, she just looked profoundly sad. That itching, desperate feeling just below his skin intensified.

"You've got quite a pile there," Alexis said, pulling his attention back.

"I umm.." he cleared his throat. "They're not all from me. Brigid and Moira send their regards."

Alexis' smile tightened at the mention of his grandmother. "That's thoughtful of them." Rosie wiggled in her arms, leaning towards the gifts. It seemed the tiny redhead had already figured out that good things came in brightly wrapped paper. Her eagerness brought a shadow of a smile to Kevin's face, and he set the pile next to his feet, taking the smallest box from the top and handing it to her. Its contents were light, and she managed to pull the box back onto her mother's lap with clumsy movements.

"This one's from me," he said quietly.

Alexis began picking at the wrapping paper, Rosie helping along. "Do you want me to introduce you as her dad? Or just Kevin?" she asked, never looking up from her task. "I've never…. I mean, I don't want to make any assumptions. And she's not talking yet, not really, so it's not a huge deal right now..."

The genuineness of the question only slightly offset the hurt. Of course he wanted his little girl to call him "dad." Of course he would never want to be just Kevin to her. But he knew he couldn't be angry, not when he was surrounded by people who had supported and loved his daughter every day of her life, while he was more or less meeting her for the first time.

"I'm not planning to leave again," he said quietly. "I hope she'll call me 'dad' someday."

He saw Alexis nod as she opened up the box. Her eyes widened in shock as she pulled out the small, pink duck that had belonged to Sarah Grace. "Oh, Kevin."

Rosie smiled at the gift, pulling it out of her mother's hands and babbling happily. Kevin couldn't contain his grin as Rosie hugged the duck against her chest, humming at the sensation of the plush fibers on her cheek. It had been one of the few belongings he'd taken with him when he'd disappeared all those years ago, and he knew that decision had been a good one as he watched the tiny redhead cradle the animal.

"Say thank you... to your dad," Alexis said, her voice thick. Her eyes glittered with a million different emotions, but for the first time in what felt like forever, the small smile on her face seemed genuine.

Rosie leaned forward, and Kevin gently caught her in his arms. She snuggled against his chest, a perfect fit. He hugged her close and breathed in her scent, heavy, heady emotion smothering his chest. Not one single thing in the last year had ever felt so perfect, so right, as the feeling of his baby girl against his chest. He'd always loved her, since the moment her saw her, since the moment he felt her tiny movements beneath Alexis' skin. But this, this was something else, this was an abstract feeling turned concrete. This was everything he'd been missing in the last year of his life and in the years since he'd buried Sarah Grace, a new chance at fatherhood and a new chance at that unique love of which he'd only gotten a fleeting glimpse.

"I've missed you, sweetheart," he whispered to the crown of her head. "So, so much."

All too soon, Rosie grew impatient, wiggling against his chest and making small noises of discomfort. Kevin let her sit on his lap and she slid off, holding tight to the duck in one hand and his hand in the other until she maneuvered her way down to the floor, where her other presents remained unwrapped.

"Well, then," Kevin said with an indulgent smile.

"She's got a mind of her own," Alexis said, watching as Rosie plucked at the wrapping paper.

"She's perfect."

"I know."

"Where's my Rosie-roo?" A deep voice asked, and Kevin's eyes were drawn to the young man who had just entered the loft. The same man he'd seen with Alexis only a few days earlier.

Rosie's head snapped up, and she grinned at the man, babbling as he moved nearer. He swooped her up into his arms effortlessly, and if Rosie hadn't been cackling and shrieking with glee, Kevin would have separated the two of them without a second thought. As it was, he sat forward, barely aware of Alexis' hand on his arm.

"I thought you weren't going to make it?" Alexis asked, standing up.

"I'm only here for a few minutes. My nurse was kind enough to block out my schedule long enough for me to stop by." His attention shifted to the girl in his arms. "Happy birthday, Rosie-roo!" Rosie babbled at him in response. The man's gray eyes landed on Kevin, and he extended his hand. "Greg Matthews."

"Kevin Ryan." Greg's grip was firm enough to cause Kevin to wince inwardly.

"Greg is Rosie's pediatrician," Alexis supplied. "And Kevin is—"

"You're Rosie's dad," Greg said. "I can see the resemblance."

"Poor girl," Kevin said with a small laugh.

"Ah, well, she looks more like her mom, so I think she'll be okay," Greg said with an easy grin.

Kevin hated the heat that rose on Alexis' cheekbones, just like he hated the way Rosie grinned at the man like he was the best thing she'd ever seen.

"You want some cake?" Alexis asked, ducking her head.

"I'd love some."

She maneuvered her daughter out of Greg's arms. "Want to play with her for a few minutes?"

Kevin was momentarily taken aback by her thoughtfulness. He'd almost expected her to leave him in the dust.

"Please," he managed, his racing, anxious heart slowing a bit when she placed Rosie back in his arms.

"The loud toys are her favorite," Alexis supplied. "Have fun, you two."

Kevin watched passively as Alexis and Greg joined the rest of the group in the kitchen. Castle looked almost overjoyed to see the young man, and Kevin couldn't help feeling bitter about that.

He shook his head and focused on his daughter who watched him with seemingly uncharacteristic seriousness. She touched his cheek, then laughed at something only she understood. Kevin smiled despite himself, and lowered them both to the floor to play.

* * *

"Just put the presents on the counter. I'll be right back." Alexis disappeared with Rosie behind what was obviously her bedroom door.

Kevin stood awkwardly in Alexis' apartment. He couldn't bring himself to sit, and he knew he'd look like a fool if he started pacing off the nervous energy that pulsed through his muscles.

The party had continued in more or less the same way it had begun. Kevin dodged dirty looks and muttered comments, mostly from Castle, while Kate played interference and Alexis tried to keep Kevin focused on Rosie. The doctor hadn't stayed long, to Kevin's relief. It was more than a little difficult to watch the man's overly familiar gestures with Alexis: standing so close to her, those light touches on her shoulder or the small of her back. The heat across Alexis' cheekbones didn't help any. She'd erected a ten-foot wall around herself where Kevin was concerned, but apparently those rules didn't apply to Greg. Christ, that was a stupid name.

At the end of the evening, when the gifts were packed up and Castle had left to take Martha home, Kevin was more than a little surprised to find Alexis shoving a stack of presents into his arms and asking if he wouldn't mind carrying his daughter's birthday gifts downstairs. It was a request to which he was all too happy to oblige.

Kevin looked around the small apartment, noting the old appliances and seemingly secondhand furnishings. A few items he recognized from his brief stay in Alexis' old apartment, the night they'd conceived Rosie, but most of what he saw he didn't recognize. The apartment was dingy compared to Castle's, and Kevin couldn't believe they were in the same building. He suddenly felt self-conscious of his comparatively nicer apartment, and that guilt was only slightly assuaged by the child support he'd started paying the moment he'd signed on with the FBI.

Alexis stepped out of the bedroom, Rosie in tow, the infant's onesie, leggings, and skirt traded out for footie pajamas. Rosie held the pink duck in her arms. "Here," Alexis said, "Hold her for a minute while I make a bottle."

He watched his former lover move through her kitchen like it was second nature, grabbing a ziploc bag of frozen milk and running it under hot water in the sink, flipping the switch a few times until the light decided to turn on. While the breast milk defrosted, she directed some water into a kettle and placed it on the stove. "Tea?" she asked.

"I'm fine, thanks."

"Why don't you go sit down with her?" Alexis suggested. "It'll be a few minutes on these drinks. You can read a story or something."

Summarily dismissed, he took a seat in in the living room, settling against an old armchair. Rosie wiggled on his lap, looking a little sleepy, and he picked up a small, brightly colored book from the coffee table and began to read to her. He felt self conscious at first, not sure if he was doing it right or if she was even interested, but soon enough she settled against his chest, occasionally pointing at different illustrations and making noises. More than once, he caught Alexis watching them from the kitchen, her face a strange mix of pleasure and wariness.

She took a seat on the couch near him and held out the warm bottle. "I'd feed her myself," Alexis admitted, "but this isn't just tea." She took a long sip of the steaming beverage and wrapped herself in a blanket from the back of her couch.

"Cold?" he asked. The apartment was already cozily warm.

"Always," she answered simply, taking another pull from the mug.

He set the book aside and offered Rosie the bottle, which she helped direct into her mouth as she snuggled against him. Alexis stared down into her mug like its contents held answers, and he wondered how often she drank. It was no wonder which part of the evening had driven her to do so.

"Should I not have come tonight?" he asked.

He heard her sigh. "You belong here, Kevin. Rosie deserves to know you." Kevin felt a little hope at her admission, though he noticed that she didn't sound particularly happy about it. She took another sip. "Being a dad looks good on you. Very natural."

He gave her a pained smile. "I'm sorry I missed out on so much."

"Me, too." She bit her lip, on the verge of saying something, when a soft but shrill whine came from the other end of the room. "Hold on." She stood up and moved to the old radiator, twisting the knob until the whining stopped.

"How'd you find this place?" he asked.

"It belonged to the super before he retired. Dad pulled some strings for me to get it." She looked around, shrugging, "It's not much to look at, but we don't need much, either."

Rosie hummed happily against his chest while she drained the bottle, and Kevin found himself smiling down at her. "You've done a great job with her, all by yourself. She's absolutely perfect."

"I'm not all by myself. I have my family, friends. You saw them all tonight. They love Rosie, and they'd do anything for her."

Kevin couldn't help himself. "That doctor seems like he cares a lot, too. About both of you."

"He does," Alexis said simply. "He's a good friend."

"Is that all?"

"Kevin," she warned.

"What? It's a simple question."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, he's just a friend."

"So you don't return his feelings?"

"Kevin," she groaned. "I don't want to talk about this. We've almost made it through an entire day without fighting. Let's keep that record intact, okay?"

He bit back the instinctive flare of frustration. He had hoped they had made more progress than that. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

"So you're really back to stay?"

He nodded. "I've got a safe desk job now, competitive salary, benefits, the whole nine."

She nodded, then ran her fingers through her hair. "Okay. And you're certain that you want to be part of Rosie's life? You want to be here for her? To stay?"

"Of course I do." He sighed, trying to ease his frustration. "I didn't leave because I wanted to bail on being a dad. You must know that—"

"Good," Alexis interrupted. "For now, you're welcome to come over and see her as often as you like. And maybe in a couple months we can figure out a custody arrangement."

"Custody," he repeated, his stomach feeling hollow.

"What's the matter?"

He shook his head. "I'm sure you won't want to talk about it."

He watched that crease appear between her eyebrows as her gaze narrowed on him. "Excuse me?"

"Do I even get to plead my case to you? Do you even care how much I've missed you?"

That empty look returned to Alexis' pale face. "She's asleep now. I'm going to put her in bed, and you should go home." She moved forward to take Rosie from him, and he held onto her tighter.

"Can I say goodbye?" he asked.

She stepped back. "I'm sorry. Take your time, and then I'll put her to bed." She took her empty mug and the bottle to the kitchen, busying herself with cleaning them.

Kevin took another long moment with the baby, savoring the sensation of her weight in his arms, the warmth of her skin and the rise and fall of her chest. He kissed Rosie's forehead. "I'll see you soon, sweetheart." He stood up, shifting the infant in his arms and Alexis took her and disappeared behind her bedroom door.

Kevin watched and waited, knowing Alexis would be perfectly content if he had left by the time she came out of her bedroom. Still, he stayed in place. He needed to speak his piece.

A few minutes later, Alexis came out of the bedroom, looking more tired than he'd seen in a long time. "You should go," she said without looking at him. "I'll call you tomorrow and we can set up another visit."

"I'm not leaving."

"Kevin, I—"

He stepped close to her, so they were inches apart. She tensed, but didn't back down. He took that as a positive sign, gently taking her cold hand in his. "I'm not leaving again, Alexis. And I'm sorry you've had to face the last year alone. You have no idea how sorry I am, but I'm here now, and I'm not leaving again."

"Okay," she said hollowly.

"Okay?"

"I'm glad you'll be around for Rosie."

"And you. I'm here for you, too."

She shook her head. "Kevin—"

"You have to know I still love you. I want to be with you. I've been waiting so long to see you again."

"I can't…"

"Why not? Do you really hate me so much?" His voice took on a ragged edge. "Everyone else seems to."

"They have their reasons for how they feel about you."

"And you?"

She tugged her hand out of his grip. "I have mine." She wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm glad you made it to the party. Really, I am, but it's time for you to leave."

"Alexis—"

"Please, Kevin? Can we just call it a night while things are still civil?"

He shook his head. "I'm not giving up on you. I need to know you haven't given up on me."

"And I need you to focus on being Rosie's dad right now." She stepped away from him, heading to the door.

"I can multitask." He followed her to the front door. "Have you given up on me?"

"Kevin—"

"Just answer the question and I'll be out of your hair. Have you given up on me? Yes or no."

Her voice was small. "I don't know."

He sighed, dread warring with relief. "I can work with that." He brushed his lips over her cheekbone before she could step away. "Sleep well. I'll call you tomorrow."

Heat colored her face at the simple gesture, the hue racing down her neck. "Bye," she mumbled. The door softly closed behind her.

Kevin took a deep breath and headed for the elevator, his mind running a tally.

He'd met his daughter, held her, played with her, fed her and watched her fall asleep in his arms. Alexis was going to let him see her again—soon. He wouldn't have to miss any more of Rosie's life.

Almost all of his former friends hated him, and Alexis didn't seem to know how she felt about him, for better or worse. He probably didn't deserve her, not after everything she'd been through because of him. But that didn't mean he was just going to step aside and let that doctor—or anyone else—take her from him. And Alexis had been right: they'd gone through an entire day without fighting, without tears. She'd talked to him and had voluntarily brought him into her home. That had to mean something, didn't it?

Kevin got into his car, a plan forming in his mind.

Nothing had turned out like he and Alexis had planned. They'd been torn apart and hastily patched together more times than either of them could count. Almost five years ago he'd bought a ring. Now the ring was gone and their relationship was in tatters, but they had Rosie. And if Kevin had anything to do with it, they would one day have something more.

* * *

Author's Note: Less than a month for an update! (I think this is progress?) Hope you enjoyed the new installment and its wealth of non-devastating Rylexis time. I had to throw poor Kevin a bone, after all. Please review; I'd love to know what you think! More The Weight of Us coming soon!


	6. Chapter 6

The Weight of Us

by

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Six

"Honey, I can be ugly." — Color Animal, "Heal Me"

* * *

"She's going to let you see your kid?" Shields asked, his eyebrows so high on his forehead that they nearly disappeared into his blonde hairline. "Just like that?"

Kevin nodded. "Custody isn't on the table yet. But she lets me visit about as often as I want. They're coming to the Christmas party on Saturday."

His former handler whistled. "She must be one hell of a forgiving woman."

Kevin's fingers gripped the beer bottle a little tighter, his eyes shifting down to the lacquered bar at his favorite local haunt. "You don't know the half of it." Kevin still thanked every patron saint he could think of that, after everything, Alexis was willing to let him be in Rosie's life. It was much more than he deserved. Of course, selfish bastard that he was, he still wanted more.

In the near-month that had passed since Rosie's birthday, Kevin had made himself a fixture in his daughter's life. His eagerness bordered on desperate; he would see Rosie grow up. He'd be there for every second he could. And in that regard, Alexis was amicable. She made sure that Kevin had ample time with Rosie, albeit supervised, but he knew he'd have to earn the chance to take care of his daughter alone. He knew that, after everything, Alexis wouldn't be so quick to leave Rosie alone with him. They visited at each other's apartments on the regular, and though she never once kept him from his quality time with his daughter, Alexis' mannerisms toward Kevin himself were subdued, almost cold. He was in the dog house for the long haul.

Of course, that didn't keep him from trying to earn her respect, her kindness, even a simple smile. He engaged her in conversation, sent flowers, tried to offer her anything she or Rosie needed. He'd cooked one of her favorite meals the last time she brought Rosie over, and the faint smile and polite thanks were almost worth the work and anxiety he'd put into the meal. He'd gone a few rounds with the punching bag tucked in the corner of his bedroom after Alexis had left. He wasn't angry at her, necessarily, but he wanted to move forward. He'd put in his time, now he was more than ready to be with the woman he loved, to have a family, to put all the death and angst behind him. He was ready for his new beginning.

"How's the new job treating you? You miss being in the field?"

Taking another pull from the bottle, Kevin processed Shields' question. He had been surprised when the agent had asked him out for drinks; there was a camaraderie between the two of them, all the shit they'd been through together taking down the Nolan syndicate had created a strange amount of trust, but their relationship had been solely professional since Kevin had returned to New York.

"Why? Afraid I'm gonna fall back into old habits?"

"Not a bit."

Kevin was a suspicious person. Years of waiting to be stabbed in the back left him doubting even the simplest of gestures. So while it was nice to have this gesture of friendship, this little social interaction after work, because God knows Kevin's list of friends had never been so short, the criminal-catch-and-release origin of their acquaintance never ceased to make Kevin doubt that the man next to him had Kevin's best interest at heart.

"And why's that?"

"Because you've worked too hard for too long to just throw it all away."

Kevin's eyebrows lifted. "Right." He took another swig. "Being an analyst is a lot like being a detective, if you squint hard enough." A small, but genuine smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Honestly, anything's a huge step up from being in the field. And this job… the steady hours, being able to provide for Rosie… it's more than I could have asked for."

"I knew there was a softie underneath all that sarcasm," Shields said with a small smirk.

Kevin rolled his eyes. "And what about you? You have any kids? A special someone?"

"Was married once."

"Yeah? What happened?"

"I screwed up," the agent said simply. A rueful smile twisted at his mouth. "You're not the only one with a boatload of mistakes behind you."

Kevin recognized the deflection. "Well, I'd be glad to set a place for you at the party on Saturday. We need more bodies, if nothing else."

"You sure know how to make a guy feel special. Who's on the guest list?"

"Just me, my sister, Kate, Alexis, and Rosie. Could use another man in the room, and I know Kate will be happy to see you."

Shields laughed. "I'd be glad to see her, too. How's your sister doing? I heard she left the hospital a while back."

"She gets better and better every day. She's almost a normal person now. Or at least as close to normal as she ever was."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Kevin nodded, swallowing back the lump in his throat. Part of him knew that it wasn't so simple, that even though his sister had survived, was on the mend, scars had been left behind. He pushed that thought aside for another time. He didn't want to think about it. He lifted his head, his eyes catching on a familiar face across the bar.

Javier was seated against the wall with a group of other guys, drinks in hand. He and Kevin met eyes for a moment, and Kevin forced a friendly smile to his face with a nod. After a pause, with an expression that Kevin couldn't decipher, Javier turned back to his group without acknowledging his former best friend.

"Ouch," Shields commented next to him.

"Yeah." Kevin finished his beer. "He's actually one of the friendlier ones, believe it or not."

"Well, you can't expect things to go back to the way they were."

Kevin's eyes didn't lift from his bottle. "But I can try like hell to help things along."

Shields patted his shoulder. "Good luck with that. I'll see you Saturday." He dropped a few bills on the bar and left.

Kevin rubbed his face and checked his phone, looking at the tiny redhead grinning toothlessly back at him on the screen. Progress, he reminded himself. He was making progress. So why not push his luck? He typed out the message before his mind could take it back.

 _K: Hey :) how are you?_

In the time it took Alexis to respond, he finished his beer, ordered another one, and finished that one, too. He just about leapt from his bar seat when his phone finally buzzed.

 _A: Fine._

He wasn't sure if he should be relieved that she responded, or more frustrated because she'd used his favorite four-letter word. He'd hated that word years ago, when it was essentially a synonym for being emotionally withholding. And that was back when she still held an ounce of respect for him, when she loved him and didn't find it half as easy to shut him out. Nowadays, that four-letter word was more a synonym for "fuck off" than anything else. He took a breath and tried again.

 _K: :) what're you and R up to tonight?_

 _A: She's sleeping. Did you want to see her again before Saturday?_

The breath rushed out of his lungs, and he gritted his teeth as he hung his head. She was a stone wall. Rosie's begrudging secretary. God, could she not budge an inch? What would it take to get her to open up even a little bit, to even pretend she tolerated him? He sent the text before shoving his phone back into his pocket.

 _K: I can wait. Sorry to bother you. I hope you have a good night._

Kevin settled his tab and glanced around the bar. Javier had left, too. Not that Kevin had any intention of trying to smooth things over with the man at that particular moment. Still, it stung that Javi hadn't acknowledged him. Kevin grabbed his keys and headed home, hoping against hope that Alexis would respond. When his phone remained silent long after he arrived back home for the night, Kevin reasoned that he knew better than to be disappointed.

But knowing better didn't make it hurt any less.

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Alexis' hand was on the passenger door handle when Kate asked the question. They were parked outside Kevin's apartment building, ready to join his small Christmas party. Rosie babbled in the backseat. Alexis paused, "Why wouldn't I?"

"Doesn't take a detective to see how uncomfortable you are around him."

"He's Rosie's dad," Alexis said automatically. She felt like that sentence came out as a defense every day, every time the subject of Kevin came up in conversation. And though that explanation was one-hundred percent true, it was starting to wear thin. She was starting to hear a chorus of "so whats?" in the back of her head every time she tried to follow that line of reasoning. "He wants to have a Christmas party with her."

"If you want, I can take her myself and you can take the car back home," Kate persisted. "You don't have to sit through this if you don't want to."

"Kate—"

Her stepmother's hand reached out and wrapped gently around her arm. "I don't think this is a good idea. Doctor Orr told you to avoid triggers—"

"It's fine."

"And this is a lot to take in: the holidays, Ryan, his sister, Agent Shields. I don't want you to be set back."

"It's fine," Alexis repeated.

"Alexis—"

" _It's fine_ , Kate!" Alexis' fingers curled into her palms, her nails digging little crescent moons into her skin. She blew out a breath and pushed the door open. "It's just a party. I can handle it." The redhead pulled Rosie from the backseat, still wrapped snugly in her car seat. Alexis' eyes narrowed on Kate's. "And for the record, I'm not quite as helpless as you and Dad like to think."

Kate didn't respond, and the elevator ride up to Kevin's apartment was spent in silence. Alexis was already regretting agreeing to come. Fortunately, everyone would be too busy oohing and ahhing over the baby to notice her sour mood. Even though dread thumped in her chest with each step that brought her closer to Kevin's apartment, Alexis pushed through and rapped on his front door. His megawatt smile when he found her and Rosie on his doorstep, Kate a few steps behind, both soothed and agitated that quiet sense of panic.

"You made it!" His arms slipped around Alexis before she was prepared, and she got exactly one gulp of his clean, masculine scent before he stepped back and greeted Kate.

"Da!" Rosie chirped from her car seat, interrupting the pleasantries. "Dada!"

"Hi, sweetheart." He kneeled down, glancing up at Alexis quickly for permission before pulling their infant daughter out of the car seat.

Kevin was already an amazing father. He'd been in Rosie's life for a month, and already he was at the top of her list of persons. He made time to see her several times a week, rain or shine, grumpy or cheerful. He was there for playtime, feedings, diaper changes, getting Rosie settled down for naps or bedtime. If Alexis had to give Kevin credit for one thing, it was that he was obviously serious about being a father. He was determined to not miss out on a single moment.

"Come inside," he offered. "The party's just getting started."

Alexis followed him mutely inside the apartment, watching the distance increase between them as he approached Brigid and Agent Shields in the living room, no doubt showing off his baby girl.

The joy in the room was infectious and everyone who watched the two of them together had that same look of happiness on their faces. Alexis noticed this because she was fairly certain her face was blank. Instead, she thought about the first time Rosie had called Kevin "dad" and how, while tears had slipped down his face, something hot and sick had twisted in her chest.

The same feeling echoed as Alexis watched father and daughter be adorable to each other, as she watched everyone else in the room swoon over the heartwarming sight. She slowly slipped her shoes off and offered to take Kate's coat. By the time both jackets were carefully hung, Kate had moved onto the two familiar blondes that Alexis had never thought she'd see in the same room. She swallowed with some difficulty, recalling the last time she'd seen Special Agent Aaron Shields.

 _I'll come back for you. I promise_.

Something cold and sharp shuddered its way up her spine.

"I'm really glad you made it."

The gentle, soothing voice pulled her back to the present, and she saw Kevin standing in front of her, Rosie ooohing at him and squirming with pent-up energy. Her dad was her new toy and favorite playmate; she wouldn't allow him to make small talk for very long.

"Thanks," Alexis said automatically, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She glanced around the apartment. "You've done a good job decorating." The compliment sounded hollow, even to her ears.

"Well, I'm sure it's not up to Castle standards, but I made do." He grinned, shifting the wiggling one-year old to his other arm. "I saved the tree though. Thought maybe you, me, and Rosie could decorate it together later."

Her heart sputter-thumped for reasons she didn't quite understand, and she licked her lips. "Sure. I bet Rosie would like that."

"She was too little to enjoy it last year, right?" Kevin asked.

Alexis nodded, folding her arms across her chest. "She was still in the NICU. I didn't get to take her home for those first couple months."

Kevin made a small "oh" as his gaze turned a little sad. Pity. She'd know that expression anywhere. It was all too easy to recall how light Rosie had felt that Christmas Eve in the NICU, the dark room illuminated by twinkling Christmas lights. An echo of that scraped hollow feeling she'd carried with her for those first few months made her fingers clench and scrape against the inside of her palm. "Do you have anything to drink?" Alexis asked quickly.

"Kitchen," Kevin said, his brow furrowing as he watched her. Rosie chose that time to start whining and tugging at Kevin's shirt. Playtime was now, she was done waiting for her father to make awkward conversation with her mother. Alexis slipped away to the kitchen while Kevin was distracted. Kevin's fridge was stocked with sodas, juice, just about anything a party guest would want. It took a little digging, alone in that kitchen, but she ended up finding what she was looking for, and the Coke in the glass did a good job covering the whiskey as long as nobody came too close. She leaned against the counter, gulping down the half the glass before coming back up for air.

"Hiding out in the kitchen, huh?"

Brigid leaned against the kitchen doorway, a small smile on her face. She looked good, like time had been kind to her as she'd healed. Her short, blonde hair looked more stylish pixie cut than post-cranial surgery. Her face was a little flushed, but in a healthy way. In fact, the only sign that the woman in front of her might not be perfectly peachy was the light purple circles beneath her eyes. Alexis wondered if she looked half as good to Kevin's sister. "Just getting a drink."

"I wouldn't blame you for hiding. It's a little strange, isn't it? This whole 'Team Kevin' Christmas party made up of cops and criminals." She paused for a second. "And you and Roisin, I guess. She's beautiful, you know. A perfect little Irish flower."

"I'm not hiding."

"I'm just glad he didn't invite Moira." A small smile pulled over her straight, white teeth. "I think she'd take issue with everyone in the room. And after what she said to you, I can totally understand why you haven't visited. What was it that she called you?"

Familiar anger curdled in Alexis' stomach at the memory of the one and only time she met Kevin's grandmother. During those first couple months in the hospital, Alexis had been very diligent about visiting Kevin's sister, regularly checking on her progress. The two women shared a common trauma, and Alexis found a strange sense of companionship in the woman who looked exactly as battered on the outside as Alexis was on the inside. One run-in with the she-wolf of the Nolan clan had brought that special, sad friendship to a quick halt. Alexis cleared her throat. "The whore of Babylon."

Brigid snorted. "God, she's such a bitch. Like I said, I understand why you never came back after that."

A ghost of a smile settled over Alexis' mouth, but she hid it behind her cup as she drained the rest of her Coke-colored whiskey. "Am I supposed to feel grateful to you or something?"

The blonde's head cocked to the side. "I never—"

"Because I don't. I don't owe you anything, certainly not gratitude."

Alexis expected, no, _wanted_ Brigid to get angry. She wanted that healthy glow to slip away and be replaced with something darker. Inside, the blonde's gaze turned soft, a shadow of pitiful expression Alexis had seen on everyone else's faces for far too long. "You're in the anger stage now, huh?" Brigid asked.

Alexis teeth ground together. "I'm fine."

"Have you started sleeping through the night yet?"

"Rosie's been sleeping through the night for a while now."

"Not Rosie. You. How are _you_ sleeping these days?"

Alexis' fingers itched to get more whiskey, to numb the sour-sick twist in her stomach, the near-constant panic that fluttered beneath her rib cage. She kept her lips pursed.

"I'm not sleeping so great, either, if it makes you feel any better. I wake up in the middle of night a lot in a cold sweat. Dreaming of _him."_ Brigid's dark blue eyes, the same color as Rosie's, took on a faraway, mournful expression. "He's been dead over a year, but he still has the power to hurt me. It sucks, you know?"

"I'm sleeping fine." Alexis' voice was barely more than a whisper. It didn't sound remotely true or even a little convincing, and that was because she'd never told such a boldfaced lie. In the early hours of that very morning, she'd been pulled out of a deep sleep with a mind-numbing sense of panic, cold settling into her bones that her logical mind knew couldn't really exist in her eighty-two degree apartment. Sunrise had found her curled up in the shower, water pelting down on her shoulders that was just short of scalding. And something like relief bloomed inside of her even as she huddled in that old, dingy shower, because the panic attacks paled in comparison to the dreams. Dreams that made her dry heave and sob and scream into her pillow.

Brigid's hand gently wrapped around hers. "It's okay. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just want you to know that there's someone who understands. If you ever need anything... we don't have to be around Moira. I'm here. That's all I'm saying." Heat colored her cheekbones. "Sorry, I don't think I used to babble quite so much. My filter must have gotten damaged, too."

The weak, self-conscious joke made Alexis want to cry. Instead she reached into Kevin's fridge and gave herself a refill, not bothering to hide the alcohol from the blonde. "I didn't come here for therapy."

"Alexis, come on. You're my friend, you don't have to put on that tough act with me."

The redhead took another long pull. "You're not my friend. You're Kevin's accomplice. Always have been." She drained the cup a second time, high-proof alcohol and the fact that she barely ate anymore already sending her mind into a warm, fuzzy place. "I'm not here for you, or your brother. I'm here so that my daughter can have a good Christmas."

The blonde's eyes narrowed. "And that's why you're hiding in the kitchen, drinking like a frat boy on pledge week?"

"Heard from Liam lately?" Alexis asked, digging into deep wounds that had probably never healed. God, she wanted a fight. Anything to release the poison spinning through her veins.

"You know he'll never speak to me again. And I know that I deserve it." Brigid sighed, completely denying Alexis the angry retort she'd been hoping for. "I'll leave you alone. Let me know when you're done being pissed off and in denial. I'll still be here for you if you ever want to talk." Brigid left the kitchen.

Alexis slumped against the counter with a sigh. Something like guilt teased at the edges of her drink-dulled brain, but she did her best to ignore it. She had better things to worry about. After taking a few calming breaths and arranging her face into what she thought might pass for a normal expression, she left the safety of the kitchen in search of Rosie and Kate. The former was seated on Shields' lap, giggling, while the FBI agent stared back, holding her awkwardly at arm's length, his expression more anxious than anything else.

She took a seat next to the man. "Want me to take her?"

"Umm... if you don't mind." He passed the tiny redhead over, and Rosie immediately wiggled out of her mother's grasp and down onto the floor, crawling over to Kevin, who was engrossed in conversation with Kate. Kevin automatically picked Rosie up, his eyes landing briefly on Alexis. His expression was grim, and Alexis had a pretty good idea what they might be talking about.

"Sorry," Shield offered suddenly. "I'm not very good with kids."

"Huh?" Alexis said distractedly.

"Never much been around them, honestly. I was the youngest."

"Oh, I see." Brigid joined Kate and Kevin's conversation a moment later, speaking softly. God, if they were going to talk about her behind her back, couldn't they at least wait until she'd already left? She was so done with these serious conversations _about_ her that never actually seemed to include her. Something hot twisted in her chest, and she seriously considered crossing the room and telling her little group of gossips that if they had something to say, they could say it to her face.

"I gotta tell you this, though, you two are doing an amazing job with her."

For the first time, Alexis turned to look the FBI agent in the eye. "You think so?"

He nodded eagerly. "The circumstance she was born in... I mean, I just have to applaud you for how forgiving and kind you've been. The fact that you're both working together to give her a happy home life is really something to be proud of."

Just like that, fury smothered her chest again. "You know he's been playing daddy dearest for a month, right?"

"I—"

"And that all the months before that, it was me raising her alone? While you dragged him all over the world to play secret agent?"

Shields' mouth snapped shut. "Right. Of course." Again, Alexis was disappointed. She knew from Kevin's stories that Shields was an unrepentant hardass. He did what had to be done, and he didn't apologize for it. Yet there he was, glancing around uncomfortably. "Um... I'm just gonna go get a drink."

Again, Alexis was left alone with nothing but her anger for company. She walked over to the Christmas tree, trying her best to ignore the group of onlookers. Kevin had been true to his word: lights were wrapped around the tree, but a new set of silver and blue ornaments lay unopened in their boxes on the floor. He wanted to decorate it with her and Rosie, like the happy little family he so desperately wished they were. And they were happy, him and Rosie. Even though he'd only been back for a month or so, Kevin seemed to have his life together. He had a good job; he was making new friends. He kept a nice apartment and did high-functioning, civilized things like throwing Christmas parties. Most of all, he was a natural parent. He was already a better parent to their daughter than Alexis had ever been. That was why Rosie loved him so much—more than she loved her mother. Not that Alexis blamed her. Kevin was calm and kind and attentive and responsible. Alexis, on the other hand, spent half of her time crying in the shower and the other half being pissed off at the few people she had left. There was no room left for anything else.

She rubbed her fingertips against the soft pine needles. "I can't do this."

"Can't do what?"

Kevin stood behind her, a small smile on his face, and Rosie in his arms. The sight made Alexis want to vomit. She licked her lips and tried to form some kind of reply, a well-crafted lie to explain her behavior or a pure dose of smiles and bullshit. She'd used both frequently in Kevin's company over the last month, but in that moment, her mouth went dry and her mind couldn't stop fixating on how perfect Kevin and Rosie looked together. How Alexis was so unnecessary in comparison.

So rather than say anything else, she turned tail and headed to the front door, haphazardly slipping into her shoes and coat along the way. She made it to the elevator, her thumb desperately pressing the button, urging the contraption to move faster, before Kevin caught up with her.

"Wait! Where are you going?" His fingers slipped around her elbow, and for one potent second she thought she might gnaw her own arm off it if meant leaving him behind.

"Home. Away. Anywhere." She banged harder on the elevator button.

"What's wrong?"

The genuine confusion in his question proved to be her undoing, and the words that had previously stuck in her throat started spilling out and filling the space between them. "You're having a Christmas party, Kevin. You've got like four friends in the whole world and a criminal record and you've just spent the last year doing God knows what and you're having a Christmas party. And it's not fair."

"What?" His voice was pained, breathless. And a not-so-small part of her loved it.

"You get to act like the last year hasn't happened, and it's not fucking fair. Why do you just get to move on? Why do you get to be happy and wholesome and—just better? Why do you get to walk away from all that shit and be totally fine? It's not fair that Rosie loves you more; it's not fair that you get to have everything you wanted and _I get nothing_!"

"That's not true," he pleaded, his expression betraying more fear than confusion. His hand squeezed her elbow, and she jerked away from him so hard she felt her body smack against the wall behind her. She slid down to the floor.

"Don't touch me! Don't you ever fucking touch me!" She heaved in gulps of air, suddenly aware of a wetness on her cheeks. Her lungs burned; her heart beat so hard she could feel it in each of her fingers and toes. She felt the blood seeping out of her face, the world spinning sideways—and panic. Always panic. Enough to drown in. Enough to fry her from the inside out.

"What's going on?" Kate kneeled down in front of her, her voice gentle. "Alexis?"

"Ma?"

For just a moment, that soft chirp broke through the fear, and Alexis' eyes landed on Rosie, held tight in her father's arms. Her small, pale face was grim, her eyebrows creased. Worry. Fear. "Mama?"

A terrible sense of doom smothered over her in that moment, and Alexis let out a pathetic sob as one thing, one truth, became all too real. She didn't hate Kevin, or Brigid, or Kate, or anyone else. Alexis hated herself, because she was too broken to fix.

* * *

Author's Note: Not dead. Just breaking hearts, per usual. (But seriously, I need to go watch some cat videos now because the alternative is crying forever.)

Thanks so much to everyone for reading, for the reviews on the last chapter, and especially for your patience as I take almost an entire summer to update this story (working three jobs is hard, y'all). I love that there are still people invested in this story and wanting more, and I'm so honored and thankful to those who feel that way.

So please leave a review, let me know what you think, let me know that you're still reading, and know that this soul-smashing angstfest will not last forever. Here's to happier times on the horizon and another update in less than three months.


	7. Chapter 7

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Seven

"I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out." — Lifehouse, "Broken"

* * *

 _Then..._

Alexis had been locked in the bathroom, her head between her knees, taking deep breaths for approximately two hundred and forty seven seconds. Panic flooded her mind, and despite the breathing, all she could think was _wrong wrong wrong wrong_.

She never should have asked Greg out for New Years' Eve. And, after drinking way more than she should have at a party with his friends, she should not have suggested they go back to his place. She wasn't ready. She just couldn't be home another night. She couldn't take the pity, the too-gently phrased suggestions that were meant to put her back on track. She couldn't look into everyone's eyes and know that they saw broken staring back at them. Ever since the Christmas party, when her carefully controlled demons slipped through her fingers, her family had been on high alert for another breakdown. The date with Greg had been an attempt to find normalcy, an attempt to escape the nightmare that her life was quickly becoming, the desperate sensation that itched beneath her skin, the unkind thoughts that haunted every waking moment.

 _She was a terrible mother. She was a failure. A mess. She was broken beyond repair. She was a burden and a constant reminder of better times. Everyone in her life was better off without her, especially Rosie. Now that she had Kevin, she didn't need Alexis at all. She was better off without her ruined mess of a mother._

 _"_ Hey, Red, you okay in there?"

Alexis jolted up and cleared her throat. "I-I'm okay. Um, just give me a minute."

She forced herself to her feet, her legs threatening to buckle beneath her, and splashed some water on her face. She had to pull herself together. Now wasn't the time to be a broken mess. Now wasn't the time for tears. This was just another milestone, another brick in the road to getting better. And she _had_ to get better. She'd been so careful in her countless months of therapy, meeting each milestone, approaching each problem with logic and divorcing herself emotionally from her trauma. She _would_ get better. Why? Because she had to. There was no other choice. And she'd spent more than enough time being a sniveling mess. Way too long, really. It was time to grow up. Fake it till you make it. No more tears. She was fine. Just like she told everyone who asked. She was fine. Just fine.

Something near four minutes later, Alexis emerged from the bathroom, her anxiety wrapped tightly back in the box where it was supposed to be. She found Greg in his living room, two glasses of water on the coffee table. "Your place is nice," she said simply as she took a seat next to him.

"Oh this old place?" he joked, his gaze a little too clinical for her taste. "You alright?"

"Fine." She scooted a little closer to him.

"Thirsty?"

She looked nonchalantly at the water glasses. "Not for water."

There was an almost frown attached to his lips. "You had a lot to drink tonight. Especially for someone your size—"

"Shh.." Alexis hushed him. "Your office hours are over, Matthews. Unless you want to play doctor?"

A million different emotions crossed over Greg's face, finally settling on concern. "I think I should take you home now."

Panic seized her again, and that cacophony of self hatred rang so loud inside her mind she visibly flinched. _Broken. Ruined. Worthless_. Then, Greg's expression changed to that one emotion she hated so much. Pity. She reacted without thinking, pressing her lips against his and slamming her eyes shut against the emotion she couldn't bear to see.

His hands closed around her shoulders, ready to push her away, and she nipped at his bottom lip. "Please?" she asked.

She watched the emotion vary on his face again. He had to know something was wrong. It was the ten-ton elephant in the room. She was sending out all sorts of signals, most of them crazy, and Greg had to know that everything was far from kosher. But Alexis also knew that he liked her, quite a bit. This was an opportunity he'd waited a long while to have. So she trailed a line of kisses down his jaw, inhaling deeply his spicy cologne, and nibbled on his ear lobe. "Come on, I know you want this."

He gently held her at arm's length. "Another time."

 _Broken._

 _Crazy._

 _Nobody wants—_

Alexis shoved him back on the couch and bolted for the door, pulling her coat off the back of the couch and awkwardly shoving her arms into it on the way. _Wrong wrong wrong._ God, she was so fucking stupid.

"Hey, wow, Red—"

"I get it. It's fine. No one wants to mess with the crazy girl. It's fine," she babbled, buttoning her coat, huffing in frustration when she mismatched them with her shaking hands. "It's fine!"

Greg held his hands in front of him, watching her carefully, clinically, like someone trying to soothe a wild animal. "It's not like that, Alexis. Why don't you sit down and we can talk?"

"Talk?" she cackled, bordering on hysterical. That's all anyone ever wanted her to do anymore. Talk about her problems. Open up. Drag glass through the wound and bleed out in front of them. "I'm good, thanks." She unbuttoned her coat again, focusing hard on keeping the buttons aligned.

"We can, I don't know, watch a movie? You don't have to run off."

"Yes, actually, I do."

"Can I take you home then?"

"No."

"Can I call someone for you?"

"No."

"Are you going to drink again?"

Alexis paused as she reached for her purse. She licked her lips, tasting the wine from earlier. "No."

He crossed his arms. "You're lying."

She shrugged. "Oh well, it was a worth a shot." She reached for the doorknob. "I'm fine, Greg. Don't worry about me. I'm not a patient."

"PTSD."

She stopped. Her heart gulped down into her belly. "What?"

"You have PTSD. And you're trying to cover it up—with alcohol, with sex, with whatever will numb you for half a second, but that's not going to help you, Alexis."

"How did you—"

"My brother served a couple of tours with the Navy I know what it looks like, and I've always suspected you had it. You don't go missing for almost a year without bringing some baggage with you when you come back." He sighed, stepping closer but kept his hands at his sides. "Please sit down. We don't have to talk about it, but it's not safe—"

"What fixes it?" Her white-knuckle grip on the doorknob had begun to shake.

"Time. Therapy. Being forgiving with yourself—those all help."

"I didn't asked what helped," she snapped. "I want to know what _fixes_ it. I'm in therapy. I've given it time. And it's not getting better. What will it take to fix me? What fixed your brother?"

She saw the answer in his eyes, in the hesitation of his response. In the grief that weighed his shoulders and the realization that not once in their time together had he ever mentioned his brother.

"He died," she answered for him. Some kind, respectful part of her was still present enough to not give name to what had happened after Greg's brother had lost his fight. She shook her head, exhaling raggedly. "Goodbye, Greg."

"Alexis, wait—"

She slammed the door behind her.

As her feet carried her down the stairs to the ground floor, Alexis' mind spun with new information, old fears, and the same soul-sick loathing that hugged every breath. Snow fell outside in flurries as taxis crammed the streets. It'd take a miracle to get a cab on New Year's Eve.

So she waited, snow turning to freezing water on her skin, until she got her miracle.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked.

She checked her phone, seeing a brand-new, urgent text message from Greg, a "Happy New Year! Be safe" text from her father when the ball had dropped in Times Square a couple hours earlier, and a text from Kevin, who was spending his New Year's Eve at home with Rosie. That message arrived first, just before ten p.m. It was a picture text of their daughter grinning, a pair of colorful, plastic glasses on her face and multi-colored streamers clutched in her hands.

" _Happy New Year, Mom!"_ the text message read. Tears pooled in Alexis' eyes.

 _Wrong._

 _Terrible._

 _Broken._

"Lady, if you don't have somewhere to be—"

"Port Authority," she said, teeth chattering. "That's where I want to go."

Alexis texted a quick response and then turned off her phone.

 _"Tell her I love her."_

* * *

Kevin rolled over with a sigh, watching the streetlight-yellowed snow drift down his window. Another cold, February night. Not for the first time, he considered rechecking the thermostat in Rosie's room. Rechecking her blankets. Her sleeping position. The steady rise and fall of her chest. It had been years since he'd buried Sarah Grace, and his little rose was well past the age at which SIDs was a legitimate concern, but some traumas never truly died. Instead, they lived on as rituals for safety against further harm.

Ignoring the red analog 1:54 on his alarm clock, Kevin pulled himself into a sitting position. He was bone-tired and restless at the same time. He held the baby monitor in his palm, turning the volume up to listen through the wall to his infant daughter on the other side. This was the first night she'd stayed asleep so long. Most nights found Kevin waking to her cries every couple of hours, not that he blamed her. It had to be traumatic to lose the only home you'd ever known, to be shuffled around like Rosie'd been.

He pushed himself out of bed, his bare feet chilling slightly on the hardwood, and padded to the kitchen. A warm glass of honeymilk would be just the thing—a Ryan family recipe for a good night's sleep. The milk warmed on the stove, and Kevin hung his head as he leaned heavily on the countertop. His mind was swimming in information, to-dos, appointments, funny facts about his latest case with the feds. Don't forget to buy more diapers. Staff meeting at ten. Martha watching the baby until six. Brigid's birthday coming up. Rosie's appointment with the pediatrician on Thursday. The statute of limitations on non-lethal crimes was a real bitch.

Over and over, his brain stalled on the same image, the same memory: the moment his world had bottomed out. Getting the call from Kate at 6:13 a.m. on New Year's Day. " _Alexis never came home last night."_

Kevin scrubbed at his face, gulping back that familiar grief and fear. After that terrible Christmas party, when he'd pushed too hard, too soon, Alexis had gotten worse. Though Kevin was careful to keep his distance, Beckett kept him posted on Alexis' decline. She was drinking more, not sleeping, listless and anxious in her own skin, her face was all sharp cheekbones and sickly pale skin. She'd kept a strong face on for Rosie at Christmas, but even that had cost her. She was depleted, scraped hollow in every way. She saw Rosie and her family less and less, spending more time in bed, never looking rested. When she'd offered to let him watch Rosie unsupervised on New Year's Eve, he'd thought they were making progress. He was so fucking stupid.

He'd been asleep when Alexis had responded to his picture text, and in the face of that cold morning, the loving message had scared the hell out of him. It sounded like goodbye. According to Beckett, the doctor she'd been a date with had called at around five that morning, telling them that Alexis had been upset when she'd left his place hours earlier, and he wanted to make sure she was made it home. Except she never did.

The first day of the year threw the family into a frenzy, looking for Alexis, calling and calling her cell phone, alerting the authorities. Kate and Rick had been on the front lines of it all, while Kevin stayed at home with Rosie, going through the motions, keeping her happy while he waited and prayed that the next phone call he received wouldn't be Beckett delivering the worst news possible.

Kevin mechanically poured the beverage into a mug and brought it to his lips. He barely felt the honeymilk burn his tongue.

Just before dinnertime on New Years Day, Alexis finally made contact. Rick received a brief call from a pay phone, more a message than a conversation.

 _"I need some time. Don't worry about me. I love you."_ The call ended, and Rick was left with nothing but a Maryland area code to locate his daughter.

Now Kevin shared custody of his daughter with Rick and Beckett, though he took Rosie most of the time. He didn't blame Castle for being pre-occupied, what with one daughter God knows where and another starting fights in her kindergarten class. It was a logical arrangement.

Of course Rosie wanted to know where her mother was. She'd never been away from her mother for longer than a few hours, and over a month had passed since Alexis had kissed her goodbye on New Years Eve. Rick received postcards from various small-wonder towns on the Greyhound route, and Alexis called every few days to check in. According to Kate, the calls never lasted long, and Alexis never told them why she'd left or what it would take to bring her home.

Kevin wished he could find it inside himself to be angry. It would probably be easier if he could blame Alexis every time their daughter cried because she missed her mother. Surely all the grief he'd observed in the last thirty-odd days wouldn't hurt as much if he could chalk Alexis' decision up to selfishness. But he couldn't be angry. He couldn't blame her. And he knew, better than anyone, that her absence didn't have anything do with selfishness.

He'd seen the difference the last year had made, and he knew that everything she struggled with came back to him. He'd lied to her. He'd allowed her to fall into his dark and ruinous world. And every terrible length he'd gone to for her safety had just made her more vulnerable in the end. She'd been hurt, devastated, and scarred in ways that he'd never understood. And then, after leaving her alone in the year-long aftermath, he'd been foolish, arrogant, _selfish_ enough to expect more.

Alexis was gone, and it was his fault. Just like it was his fault she carried that trauma in the first place. And now she was running from her demons because he'd made it impossible for her to live with them. God, he'd give anything for her to just come home safe, healthy, and whole.

A cry ripped through the empty silence of his apartment, and Kevin's feet carried him into Rosie's bedroom. She stood in her crib, her tiny fingers clutching the bars as she bawled, "M-mama!"

He lifted his daughter out of her crib, holding her close, each of Rosie's sobs cutting him open. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart," he whispered against the crown of her head, his voice breaking. "I'm so, so sorry."

* * *

 _Now..._

Waitressing was tougher than she'd expected, even in a slow off-season diner. It was hard work: long hours on her feet, carrying heavy, food-laden plates to ungrateful, entitled customers who loved holding her hard-earned tips over her head. By the end of a double shift, she barely had the energy to wash away the scent of greasy food and coffee before collapsing into her bed.

It was perfect.

She was on the tail-end of a long week, her mind void of everything but the simple tasks required to leave the restaurant clean at the end of the night. Ten minutes to closing, and her last table had just left. She began collecting the sullied dishes, pleasantly surprised at the crisp twenty beneath an empty water glass. She wouldn't have pegged the surly group of men for being good tippers. The bill slid into her apron pocket, and she stacked plates on top of one another. Just this one table left and she'd be done for the night. Good thing, too. Her feet ached with each step, and her shoulders slouched with exhaustion. A shower and several hours of dreamless, uninterrupted sleep weren't far off.

A little tension coiled in her shoulders when the bell above the door rang. Another hungry customer, and just before closing, too. She stood upright, turning to greet the newcomer. "Hi there, welcome to—" her brain sputtered as her eyes landed on the familiar face. "Kate."

The detective's smile was tight—not cold, but not friendly, either. She pulled a chair out from a nearby table and seated herself. "Hi, Alexis. Cup of coffee, please."

She faltered, taking an unsteady step forward. "Kate—"

"Why don't you pour a cup for yourself, too? We've got a lot to talk about."

After a long moment, Alexis swallowed thickly and nodded. "Coming right up."

* * *

Author's Note: Not dead, but still terribly slow. I'm working on it. :/ Thanks so much for your patience, and thanks to everyone who read and reviewed last time. What do you think of the new chapter?


	8. Chapter 8

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Eight

"Some days I don't recognize me." — Sara Bareilles, "She Used to Be Mine"

* * *

Dread thumping in her chest with each step, Alexis set two cups of coffee on the diner table. She poured the black liquid into the mugs with practiced ease, heat rising in her face as she kept her eyes on the table, knowing that Kate watched her every move.

"Thank you," the detective said politely, as if Alexis were just another waitress and Kate herself was just another customer. As if Alexis hadn't left Kate and the rest of her family in the dust.

She sat across from her stepmother, gulping down the knot in her throat. "Kate—"

"Your dad's on his way." Her voice was soft. "I called him on the road here."

Alexis' eyes flicked up at that, and she was unprepared for the emotion in Kate's eyes. There was anger there, but just beneath it Alexis saw enough grief to bring her to tears. Alexis nodded. "Thanks for the warning." Because that's what it was, and they both knew it. Kate had always been a neutral party of sorts between Alexis and her dad, even when Alexis had cut him out of her life after he'd sent her to L.A. to finish up med school. With painful and all too accurate hindsight, Alexis knew she'd hurt her dad—deeply—with her silence. During those years, Kate had stayed out of their wordless feud for the most part. There was only one time that Alexis could remember Kate taking a side and rising to her husband's defense.

 _"You don't have to like his decisions, but he's still your father. And he would still give you the moon on a platter if he thought it would help you,"_ Kate had said. Alexis wondered her stepmother would remain Switzerland in the face of her latest offense.

Silence set in, and Alexis became very interested in a smudge on the table that she'd missed. She fought the urge to pick at the stain with her fingernails.

"I don't even know what to say to you right now," Kate admitted

The feeling was mutual. "How'd you find me?" Alexis asked quickly, looking for anything other than a lecture. She knew she couldn't avoid it forever, but she also couldn't help but want to put off the weight of her family's disappointment.

"The gas company called to confirm the new payment account on the house in the Hamptons. It's a new, standard procedure," Kate said drily. "In any other circumstance, I'd be glad that you're responsible enough to pay your own bills."

Alexis nodded. She'd been so careful about cell phones, about traceable letters and postcards and any kind of trail. How ironic that her need for hot showers had been the thing to land her in this place. "I'm sor—"

"Don't tell me you're sorry." Her voice held an accusation, and Kate took a deep breath. "I'm sure you have your reasons for being here." Her eyes cut around the small diner critically. "And I'm sure you know that your actions have consequences."

The full weight of her guilt settled over her shoulders, but she still bristled at the woman's remark. "And what? You're here to punish me? You think I'm not paying for my decisions?"

A car screeched into the empty diner parking lot, and Alexis heard a car door slam before a familiar figure stomped into the diner. His hair mussed, his face pale and drawn and resolute, her father had never seemed so imposing before.

Kate took her hand, bringing Alexis' attention back. Her touch was warm and gentle, but her expression demanded understanding. "I'm here to remind you that those consequences don't just affect you."

* * *

To her father's credit, he didn't unload on her at the diner. He simply waited by the door while she clocked out and made a hasty explanation to her very confused supervisor and gathered her things. She stole glances at him on her way out of the diner, noting the angles of his frame and the near-palpable tension that suggested a sharp, unforgiving kind of kinesis. Alexis wasn't sure what she'd been expecting when reunited with her father after so many months apart, but she wasn't prepared for the way a firm grip on her arm replaced any sort of hug as he lead her to his car. Kate flanked the two and then followed in her own vehicle.

As her father peeled out of the diner parking lot, Alexis sat ramrod straight in the seat, clutching her purse, all too aware of the smell of grease that emanated from her clothing. Her father didn't say a word. A few highway signs passed by before she dared herself to speak up.

"Where are we going?" Her voice was barely a squeak.

"Home."

Her skittered into overtime at the monosyllable. "Manhattan?"

Her response must have been less than satisfactory, because his mouth twisted downward and his grip on the steering wheel turned white-knuckle. "That's right. You don't think it's home anymore."

"I don't want to go there," she insisted after a beat. Forcing the words through her teeth and keeping her back straight took everything she had. Instinct told her to curl up and bare her vulnerabilities, to stop fighting and beg for forgiveness. But imagining that concrete jungle, the geographic epicenter of so many personal demons, had sweat breaking out on the back of her neck. For a few seconds, the tires treading along that terminal path home, Alexis had to remind herself that the cold wasn't real. The chills that settled bone-deep and cut through the climate-controlled car were in her head.

She was met with silence.

"Please don't take me there," she said again, letting some of her anxiety slip into her voice. "Can we just go to the house? We can talk there."

He remained cold as stone, and she tried one more time, mastering her breathing and the allegro thrumming of her heart. "Please, Dad? Please don't make me go there. Not yet."

"It's your home, Alexis. It's where you belong. It's where your daughter is, for chrissake. Do you remember her?"

Alexis flinched, but she didn't back down. She couldn't go back there. Instead, she imagined her backbone was steel; her heart was cold iron. Her limbs were ten-ton lead and she would not be moved. "I'll leave again. If you take me back, I'll leave again. And you might not find me next time." Her father's thunderous expression burned into her facade, and for a moment her voice shook. "I-if you take me to the Hamptons house, I'll stay. I'll stay there. You'll know where to find me. And we can talk. But if you take me back to Manhattan—"

With a barely concealed growl, Castle flipped his emergency lights on and pulled off to the side of the road. Alexis held tight to her seat through the turbulence. He rounded on her before the car was even in park. "You don't get to make demands!"

Her mouth went dry. "Dad—"

"Enough, Alexis! Do you have any idea what you've put this family through? Do you have any idea what you've put me through personally? Do you even care?"

"Of course I care." Her voice was barely more than a whimper.

"You have a funny way of showing it. Leaving without warning. Disappearing and _purposely_ erasing your trail. Do you have any idea of the thoughts that have been living in my head? I didn't know if you were safe. I didn't know how to find you. I didn't know if you'd ever come back," his voice broke, "or why you decided to throw everything away in the first place... How could you just abandon your family like this?" he demanded. "After everything?"

"I didn't abandon you. I never—" she stopped. "I just needed space."

"Space? Space is taking a spa day, or a long weekend. It's been almost four months."

"I called every week. I sent postcards. I never wanted you to feel like I abandoned you…"

"You cut yourself out of our lives. Rosie still has no idea when or if you're coming home, and she's not the only one. I deserve an explanation, Alexis."

She looked out the passenger-side window, searching for the right combination of words. How could she explain things to him? "Dad, I'm sorry, I was just struggling and needed to get away from everything."

His mouth thinned. "I know you were struggling, Alexis. I've been watching you struggle for the last year and half, and yet everything I've done to help you isn't worth you giving me an explanation before you scared me to death?"

"Dad—"

"What will it take for you to trust me? To even think about me and your family before you make some stupid decision? I'm here. I've been here your whole life, since day one. I raised you. I took care of you. I was there for you when Ryan left, when you'd been cut open and your world fell apart. I did everything I could to protect you, help you heal and move on, even when that decision meant I had to send you away."

The words lodged in her throat, and she fought back tears.

"I accepted your silence, your anger when you were in L.A. Because I love you and I knew you needed time. When you came back to New York, I told myself I could accept the way you lied to me if it meant you learning to trust me in the long run. And then you disappeared. And for seven months I bargained. I told myself that as long as you came back to me, I'd gladly put up with lies, with anger whatever else and that no matter what kind of state you were in, I would take care of you. And when you did find your way back home, after learning the whole truth, I told myself it was okay that you never told me about finding Ryan, even when that could have changed everything. I accepted the way you got lost in him, _again_ , and stayed with him for so long, even when we were all killing ourselves trying to find you and bring you home. And when you gave me a granddaughter the first day you came back into my life, I told myself it was good news. I'd gotten you back and more. Because, finally, you were home and safe and that was all that mattered." He took a deep breath. "I've really tried to roll with the punches, Alexis. I have tried to make you happy, to make your life easier, to help you deal with your trauma and handle raising this child on you own. No matter the mistakes you've made, I have been there since day one, and _I never left you._ So what will it take for you to stop leaving me?"

Raw emotion filled the car, smothering her where she sat. Tears streamed down her cheeks in earnest, and she knew in her heart that her dad was telling her an unflinching truth. She saw the pain etched on his face, she heard the desperation in his words, and she knew that he was right. Since she was a child, Alexis had considered her father to be a giant among men. He was stronger, kinder, and smarter than the rest. She believed he was invincible, yet she'd brought him low. She'd hurt him, she'd betrayed him, in all the mistakes and misfortunes of her recent life, she'd forgotten that her indomitable father had something to lose, too. And the worst part was, in the face of all of his suffering, she knew there was nothing she could say to make him feel better. Because it was better for him to assume the worst of her than to know the truth.

She took a breath. "This isn't about you."

"Then what is it about? Ryan?"

"No."

"You expect me to believe it's a coincidence that you skip town not two months after he starts coming around?"

"This isn't about him!"

"Then please enlighten me!" His voice filled the car, and vulnerability shifted to fury. "It's not about me. It's not about Ryan. It's clearly not about the daughter you left behind. Then what's it about?"

The truth was there on the tip of her tongue, but she shoved it back. She reached for the handle, ready to push the door open and walk back to her safe haven. The child locks slammed down before she could make her great escape, and his fingers wrapped tight around her arm. Her panic and fury and the matched the emotion in her father's eyes.

"No more running, Alexis! I deserve an explanation!"

The car was a pressure cooker, grief and anger and fear seeping into the space between breaths. Her father's hand felt like a branding iron, the heat of his disappointment marring her skin, making her just as ugly on the outside as she knew she was on the inside. She tried to jerk her arm out of his grip, but he held fast. He wasn't letting her go, and with the locks secured, she was trapped. No more running, indeed. Claustrophobia set in, an echo of those helpless months in Kevin's apartment. Panic clawed it's way through the lines of her body, and, humming beneath the fear, the hysteria that all things cage-like tended to induce, that deep-seeded anger, that knee-jerk instinct to push back bubbled over.

"I wanted to kill myself!"

His dad's face went slack and began to pale. The words echoed over and over in her mind, and though everything in the car was exactly the same as it had before she'd let those five words slip through her lips, somehow Alexis could only see shrapnel. More traitorous words spilled from her mouth. "It had been in there in the back of my head for months, long before Kevin came back. And it just got worse. The cold. The memories. Therapy hadn't helped for a long time. Rosie needed me less. I had more time to think and... I didn't know how to be _me_ anymore." She paused. "When I left Greg's apartment that night, all I could think of was how easy it would be to erase myself from the equation. How much better off everyone would be if I wasn't around anymore. So I ran. And I know that was selfish. I know I'm being selfish, that this whole thing is nothing but selfish. But taking myself out of the equation permanently… it seemed worse somehow. That's why I left. And I'm doing better now. Really, I am. But I don't know how to go back without ending up where I was the night I left."

For the longest time, it looked like her father had forgotten how to breathe. Finally, with a ragged gulp of air, he released the child locks. "Tell Kate she can take you back to the house."

She nodded in relief, immediately reaching for the handle before stopping herself. "What are you going to do?"

"Don't worry about me," he said hollowly. She heard the unspoken accusation in his tone. She certainly hadn't seemed like she was worrying about him before. She wanted to reach across the console and hug him. To tell him she loved him and she really did care about him. To thank him for loving her, especially when she'd made it so difficult.

Instead she hoisted her bag over her shoulder and left the car, fighting tears the whole way to Kate's car. She opened the passenger side door, her crumbling facade answering the question on Kate's face. "Will you take me back to the house, please?"

She stole a glance to her husband before nodding. "Get in."

They pulled back onto the highway, and Alexis watched out the passenger side window at her father's form, hunched over the steering wheel, his face in his hands. Tears slipped down her face, and Kate's words rang in her mind.

 _Actions have consequences._

* * *

Later, after Alexis had washed away the grease and grief that clung to her like a second skin, she stepped carefully out of the hot shower, taking a glance at her body before wrapping herself in a towel. Most of the time she avoided the mirror. It had been a long, long time since Alexis took any pleasure from seeing her reflection. But her conversation with her father played on repeat in her head, and over and over she saw in high definition the moment her truth had broken him. She'd told him she was getting better, but that consolation paled in comparison to the bomb she'd dropped. Still, she did believe she was better, at least in some ways. And the woman staring back at her in the mirror supported that claim.

The long days on her feet and heavily laden trays had brought muscle tone to her arms and legs, and the free diner food added much-needed weight to her middle. Curves were slowly growing back where there had previously been skin stretched too tight over bone. She wouldn't call her body _pretty_ , not with the silvery scar that sloped between her breasts, or the stretch marks etched below her belly button and around her hips. No, she was pretty sure the ship had sailed on that certain level of attraction some months before, but for the first time since the happy days in Kevin's apartment, when she was eating enough and sleeping enough and exercising every day, Alexis looked at herself and felt _healthy_. The face she saw looking back at her had changed a bit, too. The circles under her eyes didn't run quite as deep. Her skin was brighter. Her cheekbones and jawline weren't as sharp as they once were. She pulled the corners of her mouth up, trying to find a smile. That one was a mixed bag: her mouth looked twisted and tight, but the crinkles at the corners of her eyes looked familiar. She'd seen them before in pictures of those truly happy moments.

She was getting better, she reminded herself. It was a work in progress. Alexis took a deep breath before wrapping the towel tight around her frame, slipping her bathrobe over her shoulders with the belt cinched tight, and leaving her reflection behind. She found Kate in the guest bedroom she'd been using, sitting on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on her knees and her hands clasped in front of her. Two steamings mugs sat on the nightstand, the tags of teabags peeking over the edges of the cups.

Alexis stopped. Her eyes dropped to the hardwood. "Has Dad come back yet?"

"He's on his way back to Manhattan. Johanna can't be left alone overnight."

Alexis mutely nodded, the weight of her family's pain settling back over her shoulders. Of course he was with her sister, the vivacious five-year-old Alexis had also left behind. "If Johanna needs her mom tonight..." She let the rest of the sentence trail off. She already bore enough guilt, held herself responsible for enough hurt. She didn't want to add monopolizing her sister's parents to the list. But maybe she already had.

But if Kate felt any resentment on behalf of her child, she didn't show it. "I thought you could use a mom tonight."

Emotion welled up in Alexis' chest, filling her throat and brimming in her eyes. She sat next to Kate on the edge of the bed, her arms wrapped tight over the fleece robe.

"In a lot of ways, I think of you as mine," Kate continued. "You've always felt like mine. But I know there are lines. I know I can't look at your the same way I see Johanna. I can't treat you like you've always been mine. Because you had a life before I met your dad. There are big parts of your history that don't include me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that."

"You're the closest thing to a mother I've known. You and Grams."

Kate gave her a weak smile, but didn't answer.

Alexis took her stepmother's hand, steeling herself for the question she was about to ask. "If I was like Johanna... If I really had always been yours, what would you say?"

For the longest time, Kate didn't answer. Instead, she gripped Alexis' hand tightly, entwining their fingers. Tears clung to the edges of Kate's eyelashes, but when she finally did speak, her voice was strong. "I'd tell you I love you. And nothing will ever change that." She licked her lips. "But, I've watched your sister cry, I've watched your daughter cry, your father, your grandmother, even Ryan. There's enough grief in this family to drown us all. It's been that way for a long time now. And I've watched you, too. I had some idea of how bad things were before you left, and looking at you now I can see that you're in a better place. But, living in a guest room in a vacation home, waitressing to make ends meet, hiding from all of these people who are hurting on your behalf... this isn't you, Alexis."

"It's the only me I know how to be," Alexis whispered.

"Your dad told me about your fight. I can't help but feel like we've all failed you—"

"No, Kate, it's not like that—"

"And while I'm relieved to see that you aren't in danger anymore, I have to tell you that if you stay here, if you keep running, you'll have failed yourself."

Alexis' arms tightened around herself. "So what do I do?"

"You've made some poor decisions in the last few years. And you've fallen into some very unlucky and horrifying circumstances. You were abused. You were left behind by someone you cared about more than anything else. Now you're a single mother with baggage and you don't know how to cope. Some of that is on you, honestly, and some of that was outside your control. But even after all of that, you're still capable of turning your life around. I know you must look at yourself and see only the bad, but you're better than this. You deserve better than this. And I hope someday you'll remember that _you_ are worth fighting for."

Her head was throbbing from how much she'd cried, but tears still tracked their way down her cheeks and shuddering sobs ripped through her chest. Her father's words were abrasive and heavy, weighing her down with self-loathing, but Kate's words wrapped warm around her, buoying her up even as that difficult truth resonated in her mind. Rather than an accusation, her words were a painful call to action. And while Alexis had become used to the heavy weight of her own guilt and self-loathing, the promise in Kate's words and a new kind of hurt to them, like a knife cutting deep to release the poison flowing in her veins.

"That's a good speech." Alexis sniffed, wiping at her eyes, "But I'm not like Johanna. So what do you say to the selfish, wayward stepdaughter who's hurt everyone you love?"

Kate frowned for a moment before drawing Alexis into her arms. The redhead clung to her stepmother, crying softly into her shoulder. Kate stroked her hair away from her face, stroking the younger woman's back and resting her cheek against her hair.

Kate's answer was a soft whisper into the crown of Alexis' head. "I'd tell her the exact same thing."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for your patience, everyone. I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Please review! I'd love to hear what you think.


	9. Chapter 9

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Nine

"Don't know when you're coming home again." — The Head and the Heart, "Signs of Light"

* * *

It took both hands for Kevin to count all those moments in his life he'd labeled "the worst": his parents' deaths fell on that list, along with the death of his older sister, Karen. The night he found out the truth about his family's legacy. Missing Sarah Grace's birth because he'd almost burned to death in the arsonist's trap. The morning he'd woken up to find that Sarah Grace had passed away. The night in the warehouse, when he thought he'd lost Alexis. Every moment between Sloane putting a bullet in his chest and Rosie's birth. After last night, there was a new entry in the too-long list of the worst things life had ever thrown at him.

It was almost eleven, and Kevin had just gotten Rosie to sleep about an hour earlier. She was growing up too fast, leaving infancy behind and embracing toddlerhood with all its stumblings and discoveries and defiance. And Kevin didn't know if it was because Rosie was missing her mother, or because of the trauma during Alexis' pregnancy, or simply if it was part of his daughter's personality, but he'd never seen such an attached child in his life. She couldn't bear to be left alone, wouldn't let go of him at bedtime, and was beside herself every time she'd woken up alone in the nursery.

Despite her fragile emotions, she was as stubborn as either of her parents. When he'd decided to just let her cry herself to sleep, one of the neighbors had come to his door and, her tone polite but clearly exasperated, had asked him to make his kid stop crying. Rosie had been going strong for over almost an hour at that point, and out of respect to his neighbors Kevin didn't try again.

Not that Kevin blamed his daughter. He knew she'd been through a lot and her anxiety was normal. Plus, it was impossible to be mad when she snuggled into the crook of his neck, her sobs and wails quieting to tiny, pathetic hiccups almost instantly. She wasn't a bad kid. She just didn't want to be alone.

Kevin was brushing his teeth, musing on their bedtime routine and wondering how soon was too soon for Rosie to start seeing a behavioral therapist, when a loud banging echoed from his front door, shaking the walls with its intensity.

The voice tore through the wooden door and brick and plaster walls. Kevin would know it anywhere. "RYAN, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"

Kevin skittered to the hallway to get the door, and Castle was on the other side of the door, his eyes bloodshot and swollen with tears, his face red and mottled, his whole body pulsing with frenetic emotion. Kevin's first mistake had been to open the door.

"Castle, what's going—"

Approximately four seconds after opening his front door, Kevin found himself on the floor, almost-blinding pain running up the side of his face from the force of Castle's fist. Anger or defensiveness didn't even occur to Kevin. Instead, his heart went into the full-on panic mode, and he chased Castle down the hallway to Rosie's room, slipping in front of the closed bedroom door before the writer could open it.

"What is the matter with you?" Kevin demanded. "What happened?"

"You promised me you wouldn't hurt her!" Castle shouted, making Kevin's ears ring.

"I—" Kevin tried to defend himself, not understanding what Castle was talking about.

"You broke her! You broke her, ruined her the second you walked away all those years ago, and I never got her back. You promised me you'd take care of her!"

Rosie began to whine and cry from within the closed bedroom. Kevin stood his ground, even as Castle's words began to sink in and tear him to pieces. Alexis. This was about Alexis. His mind cross-referenced Castle's rage and grief against the three months that Alexis had been gone. Worst-case scenarios began populating in his head. "What—"

"I'm not letting you ruin my granddaughter, too. Get out of the fucking way. I'm taking her home."

"No!" Kevin exclaimed. "You're not taking her anywhere. She's my daughter."

"You took mine! You took her and hurt her and I never got her back."

"Castle, stop. You're not going to take Rosie. You can't. Lets talk about this."

"Yes, I can. You're a criminal and a liar. Who do you think the courts would chose?"

Fear was a metallic taste in the back of Kevin's throat. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Castle was right. He knew, that with all the resources and all of Castle's good standing in the community, he could turn a court against Kevin. He could take Rosie away from him. For good.

"Castle, please, I'm trying to help find Alexis," Kevin said, thinking that maybe Castle was at wits end, just like the rest of them. "I've got all my contacts looking into it. We're going to find her. We'll bring her back."

"I found her, you son of a bitch!" Castle took in a ragged breath. "She... she wanted to… she was going to…" his voice cracked. "I never got her back." Tears slipped down the man's face, and it was then that Kevin knew this wasn't about him. Not really. And Castle wasn't angry. He was terrified.

Kevin blinked rapidly, familiar fear slipping into the space between breaths. "Tell me what happened. Tell me she's okay."

Castle just shook his head. "You never deserved her. And you don't deserve that little girl."

"I know." Kevin swallowed. "I'm working on it." He tried again. "Is Alexis okay? Is she—"

Castle didn't respond, and Rosie was now wailing in distress. Castle stepped closer to the door, but Kevin refused to back down.

"Please, Castle," Kevin begged. "Please tell me." It scared Kevin to his core to imagine this crazed man holding his infant daughter, even knowing how much Castle loved the little girl. Kevin was caught between the need to put distance between this man and his daughter and the desperation to know what had happened, what had ripped Castle apart.

"Fuck off," the writer snarled. "You'd better lawyer up. I'm done letting you poison my family." Castle shoved him against the doorframe, leaving the apartment as quickly and as violently as he'd entered it. The front door slammed shut with enough force to rattle the walls.

For a long string of seconds, Kevin thought he might be sick. His face throbbed, and his shoulder ached where he'd hit the doorframe. The worst, though, was the skittering of his heart, the unrelenting twist in his stomach. Something was wrong. Something terrible had happened. They'd found Alexis... but had it been too late? Was she—

His chest seized; his lungs forgot how breathe. Nothing but the insistent screeching of his daughter could have pulled from him the floor. Kevin scooped Rosie into his arms, and she clutched him like a lifeline, sobbing into his shoulder, inconsolably hiccuping "Dadadada…" Her large eyes were bloodshot, her face was red and mottled, just like Castle's had been.

Kevin all but collapsed with Rosie in the rocking chair by the crib, running his hand over her unruly red hair as he murmured soothing words to her in Irish. _"Tá tú sábháilte, mo rós. Is Daidí anseo. Tá tú sábháilte. Tá tú ceart go leor. Tá tú ceart go leor."_

Each moment seemed to drag on forever, but he couldn't talk on the phone while Rosie was sobbing and hiccuping and whining like her soul was being torn out of her body. When seconds slogged into minutes and minutes clustered into quarter-hours, when Rosie was drowsy again but still clutching him in a white-knuckle grip, her tears still wet and warm and sticky on his neck, Kevin carried her into his bedroom, where his cell phone lay on the nightstand. The phone pressed against his ear and shoulder as he retreated to the rocking chair in the nursery, pulling a blanket from the crib and wrapping it around Rosie's shoulders. Kevin counted panic-smothered half breaths until Kate answered the phone.

"You found her?" he asked without preamble.

"Yes," Kate's voice was soft, her tone careful and fragile in a way that was all too familiar.

"Is she alive?" He only just managed to push the question past his lips.

"Yes."

Fear loosened its clutch on his chest, and in that moment, when he was allowed to breathe for the first time in an hour, tears slipped down his face. "Thank God." Relief and fear and exhaustion and desperation bled together. "Is she okay?"

"She's more okay than we thought she'd be." Again, the response was careful, calculated. Kevin wished he could translate all the things she wasn't saying into something intelligible. Did that mean Alexis was doing poorly overall? Did it mean she actually was okay?

"Where is she?"

"The house in the Hamptons. I think she's pretty much been here all along."

Here. "You're with her? You're staying with her?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"I don't know, Kevin. It depends on how much she needs me to stay."

Kevin's eyebrows knit together. He didn't understand the lack of excitement in Beckett's voice. He didn't understand why all these words that seemed, at least to him, glass half-full, were filling him with dread.

"How'd you find out?" Kate asked suddenly.

"Your husband stopped by." He told her about the late-night encounter with the bereaved man.

"I'm so sorry, Ryan. I should have warned you… I didn't even think. Are you okay?"

"After Castle just barged in, assaulted me, scared the living hell out my daughter and threatened to take her away? I've been better."

"I'm so sorry," she repeated. "I know how sensitive she's been lately."

Kevin tilted his head to the side to look at Rosie. Every couple of breaths, her eyelids got heavy and closed before she shook herself awake. Her fingers clutched tighter to his shirt every time her eyes cracked open. Emotion caught in his throat. She wasn't sensitive; she was afraid.

"Is he really going to try to take Rosie from me?" Kevin asked.

"No." Beckett's voice was firm this time. "I won't let him. Rosie deserves a father more than Castle deserves revenge for whatever he thinks you've done. I'm sorry, Kevin. I should have been there. I should have handled that situation before he ever got to your apartment. I've just had my hands full here, and—"

"I thought you said Alexis was okay."

"She is. At least, I think she is."

"What are you not telling me?"

He heard Beckett sigh. "Rick is upset because Alexis told him the truth. She told him why she left."

Kevin swallowed. "Why did she?" he was afraid to ask, but he knew Beckett was being kinder than he deserved by trying to spare him this new pain.

"She thought if she stayed in New York, she'd hurt herself... Maybe even take herself out of the equation for good."

Kevin's world bottomed out, and he dimly registered her sharp intake of breath on the other side of the phone. "How could we have failed her so terribly?" Kate continued.

Kevin didn't have an answer. He could barely string a sentence together. It wasn't until Kate spoke his name into the phone, his eyes blurred, his chest heaving from guilt and grief and fear and self-loathing that itched under his skin like a stain he'd never wash away, that Kevin finally came back to the present.

"H-how is she now?"

"Sad." Kate's voice cracked. "She's worried about everyone. She's still working through a lot of things. But she seems stronger. Healthier."

"Can I talk to her?" He didn't know where that question had come from. What would he even say to her?

"She's sleeping. She has an early shift at the diner tomorrow." A broken laugh echoed over the phone. "She's a waitress now, if you can believe it."

Kevin couldn't find a drop of laughter inside himself. Instead, his brain spun cruel anti-fantasies of a world without Alexis. A world she'd erased herself from. He felt Rosie twitch against his neck and swallowed thickly. A world where Rosie would never see her mother again.

"We're not failing her again. _Never again._ " He cleared his throat and shifted Rosie against his chest, finding a more comfortable position. The toddler whined for a moment, then snuggled deeper into the crook of his neck with a hum. A few moments later, her felt her breaths start to even out again. "Tell me what to do. What does she need? How can I help?"

There was a long pause, and then, "She said she's been seeing a therapist out here, so that's a step in the right direction. I think, for now at least, we need to remind her that we still love her, that we still want her around. That we don't blame her."

"Of course we don't blame her."

"You could start by telling her that. I don't—I don't know how much you two are talking these days, but I think it'd help for her to know that Rosie's doing okay. That you don't hate her for leaving." Kate sighed, and there was a beep on the line. "It's Castle. I have to go. I'll talk to him, I'll make him see reason."

"Thanks, Kate."

"Give Rosie a kiss for me."

Kevin ended the call, and his instinct was immediately to call Alexis. To tell her how much he loved her. To tell her how glad he was that she was safe and that she was okay. That all she had to do was focus on getting better, because he was taking care of Rosie. That when Alexis was ready to come home, they'd both be waiting for her.

But some part of that felt wrong, and he wasn't sure why. He sighed, using his free hand to wipe at his tired eyes. The owl-shaped clock on the nursery wall read 1:12 a.m., and he was exhausted. The night had sent him on a roller coaster—mostly the stomach-dropping-into-your-knees variety—and part of him wanted to put Rosie to bed and crawl under his own sheets and not come out until the world decided to cut him a break.

He immediately refuted that thought, too. He didn't deserve a break. If Kevin felt he was in a nightmare, it was one of his own creation. And if he was determined to stop failing Alexis, then there was no time like the present to get started. Though his self-preservation instincts railed against him, he called up Kate's words, running over every positive and neutral and heart-shattering bit of information she'd relayed. Again, that desire, no, that need to reach into Alexis' life and systematically fix everything gnawed at him. He had to fix things, because clearly he had only made them worse up to that point.

Kevin allowed himself to remember Alexis the last time he'd seen her: when she dropped Rosie off on New Year's Eve. With 20/20 hindsight, he saw all of her frayed edges, her mumbled, single-syllable words, the way she refused to make eye contact, the sharp angles of her bones pressing against her too-pale skin. He remembered her focus on getting Rosie settled, all while her body language showed him just how desperate she was to leave. He reached back further, settling on the Christmas party he'd thrown, watching with fresh eyes the way she'd hovered at periphery of the party, like she didn't want anyone to see her. Her remembered Brigid warning him that Alexis was drinking heavily. Most of all, her remembered the quiet declaration she'd made to herself.

 _I can't do this._

And then, the moment he touched her, she'd skittered away like a wounded animal retreating from a predator. It had cut him to his core to watch her cower from him. And yet, it wasn't the first time he'd seen that look on her face since he'd come back to New York. It was a perfect match to the fear that had paled on her face the night he'd showed back up in her life. When she'd slammed the door on him, begging him for something he didn't understand.

 _I can't. Please, I can't._

Something like realization began to set in, hovering right at the edges of his understanding. Not all of their encounters were so devastating. She hadn't been afraid of him at Rosie's birthday party, or during any number of mundane parental interactions afterward. But there was something there, something to those raw moments when she'd couldn't hide the truth quite so well. Then, another memory rushed to the forefront of his mind.

 _Do you really hate me so much? Everyone else seems to._

 _They have their reasons for how they feel about you._

 _And you?_

 _I have mine._

Kevin wasn't great at empathy. He understood, logically, that people had feelings and made decision based on those feelings, but he was much more the fix-the-problem guy than the kind of person whose instinct was to talk things out and try to reach a new and mutual understanding. He was a doer. A fixer... But that was always the problem, wasn't it? Because this situation wasn't his to fix.

With a concentrated effort, Kevin tried to imagine the world that Alexis was in—without judgment or clear solution. He saw a woman who carried more fear and anger inside of her than she knew what to do with. He saw a young mother raising an unexpected baby, certainly with the help of her family, but largely by herself. Alexis had always been independent to a fault, and that clearly hadn't changed. That was evident in the way she'd run away from her own family, not asking them for help or telling them how to contact her. Kevin steeled himself for the next part... He imagined this independent woman being lied to by the one person she loved more than anyone else in the world. He imagined that same person taking away her independence, isolating her in a gilded cage while she staggered under the weight of his lies and the unplanned pregnancy. The baby that would forever tie them together. And then he imagined that person who had taken so much leaving her alone with nothing but a sick baby and loose ends.

If Rosie hadn't been sleeping soundly in his arms, Kevin would have curled in on himself, trying futilely to protect himself from the truth. A nightmare of his own creation. Tears spilled down his face as he asked himself when he'd stopped seeing Alexis as a person with feelings, when he'd started seeing her as a problem to fix.

The answer came almost immediately, and Kevin was struck by the memory of him holding Alexis in his arms as she bled out. Their lives had been so goddamn perfect before his past had caught up to them, and he'd been grasping for that perfection every moment since he'd lost it—all the while ignoring the truth and the people right in front of him.

 _Have you given up on me? Yes or no._

 _I don't know._

Christ. Alexis was a better person than he knew how to be. Her uncertainty made him the luckiest man in the entire world because it was more than he deserved, more than he ever should have hoped for.

He kissed the crown of Rosie's head. "Your grandpa's right. I don't deserve you, and I didn't deserve your mom." Still, he hugged her close, gaining a measure of comfort from the rise and fall of her tiny chest against his. Kevin held onto that feeling when he put Rosie in her crib, rubbing her back to keep her soothed and sleeping, and retreated to his own bed. He picked up his cell phone. It was too late for a phone call, so he composed text message, finally, finally knowing what to say.

"Hi Alexis, it's Kevin. Kate told me she found you, and I'm really glad to hear that you're safe and that you seem to be doing well. I'm glad you've found a safe place to get better.

"Rosie's doing well. I don't want you to worry about her. Her favorite word is 'no,' and I'm the luckiest guy in the world because even though she's getting big, she hasn't outgrown me yet. She misses you, just like I know you miss her. Please try to take the time you need. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now, but please know that nobody blames you. Nobody thinks poorly of you. I know you'll be ready to be Rosie's mom again someday. And when that day comes, she'll be the luckiest girl in the world.

"I don't know what the statute of limitations is for something like this, but I just wanted to tell you one more thing. I'm sorry that I let myself back into your life when I had no business being there in the first place. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I let my own fear control me. I'm so, so sorry I hurt you, Alexis, and I'm sorry it's taken me this long to realize that, during all that time I spent trying to protect you from harm, I should have been protecting you from me."

* * *

Kevin didn't sleep at all that night, and he equal parts desired and dreaded to see a response to his message. Predictably, his phone was silent where Alexis was concerned. By the time he picked Rosie up from Martha after work, Kevin was more than ready for a rendezvous with his bed. But it was spaghetti night, and the cupboards were empty of Rosie's new favorite food, so off to the grocery store they went.

He'd been staring at a package of spaghetti for almost five straight minutes, his brain sluggishly moving over the packaging, his tired eyes not really reading the text. Rosie squirmed in the shopping cart, whining piteously and puffing her lips out in a bored pout. He'd given her toys to play with, snacks to munch on, anything to make this mundane and almost painful task a little easier in the wake of the previous night's events.

Her chubby little arm reached for the shelf, and she pawed at a package of spaghetti sauce, trying to tug it off the shelf, whining, "Dadadadada." He turned to look at her just as she pulled the packet off the shelf and onto the floor.

"Uh oh," she intoned. The seventeen month old looked up at him, the innocent surprise in those wide blue eyes so much resembling her mother's that it physically hurt.

"Rosie, stop," he said gently, leaning down to pick up the packet. While he was bent over, a second packet fell on his head, followed by another "uh oh!"

When Kevin was standing upright, he noticed the gleam in her eyes that wasn't so innocent.

"Stop it, please," he said again.

"No," she said solemnly, reaching for the shelf again. Kevin sighed, tossing two packages of spaghetti into the shopping cart without really looking at them and moving on. Kevin and Rosie, still in her cart seat, were in the checkout line when he saw Javier in line in front of them. Kevin froze for a second, wondering whether or not he should say hello. Fortunately, Javier saved him the trouble.

" _Hola, mi rosa._ "

Rosie stopped pawing at the display of candy and magazines, turning as much as the seat would allow. A grin split her face, and she babbled happily at the detective. Javier returned her smile and nodded to Kevin, "Hey."

"Hey," Kevin echoed, stepping up to the counter to pay for his groceries. Perhaps if his brain wasn't fried and only half-functional, he might have known what to say to Javi. As it was, all he could do was muster up that awkward smile while he tried to keep an eye on Rosie and swipe his card through the machine at the same time. To his surprise, Javier waited for Kevin to finish paying, as if he was planning to walk out with them.

"You look like hell," Javier said cheerfully as they left the register.

"Didn't sleep much."

"Yet you still brave the grocery store with a toddler."

Kevin shrugged, tipping his head toward Rosie. "It's spaghetti night. How are you doing? How's the family?"

"Good. Aaron's been missing Rosie lately. Maybe we should fix that."

"Oh." Kevin didn't know how to respond to that. "Um, sure. Yeah, a playdate. Could be fun." He watched Javi's smile grow at his unintelligible response, and something clicked. Something that echoed back to a time when Javier was the best friend he'd ever had. "Decided to throw me a bone, huh?"

"As fun as it's been watching you flail around for the last few months…." It was Javier's turn to shrug. "You just looked like you could use a friend. And Aaron has been asking about Rosie."

"A friend." The word sounded foreign to him.

"You use to know what those were. At least, I thought you did." Javier said this solemnly, with no added guilt except the kind Kevin layered on himself.

Kevin forced something like a smile to his face. "I'm sure it's like riding a bike." He paused. "You sure Lanie'd be okay with that?"

"I love the woman, but she's not my keeper."

"Fair enough."

"So how are you really doing?" Javi asked as they reached the doorway to the grocery store.

Kevin bit his lip, paused, then said. "Have you ever looked around and all you can see is all the mistakes you've ever made?" He sighed. "I don't know how I'll ever make it right."

Javier nodded in understanding. "That's the thing about redemption. If it hurts, you know you're doing it right." He clapped Kevin on the back, then turned to leave. "I'll call you and we'll set something up. _Adios, mi rosa_."

Rosie waved, and Kevin nodded. "Bye, Espo."

A couple hours later, Kevin was beginning to feel like things weren't so impossible. Perhaps it was his conversation with Javi, or maybe it was watching Rosie, who had managed to get spaghetti sauce all over herself, slurping up the cut noodles he placed in front of her, grinning and cackling at the fun sensation of slapping her bare hands into the remnants of noodle and sauce.

"Da!" She brandished a couple of noodles in a tiny fist, then shoved them into her sauce-stain mouth, chewing noisily and showing off her baby teeth. Kevin couldn't not smile; he couldn't not feel grateful for this moment, this memory he was lucky enough to create with her. He placed a few more cut noodles in front of her, and she repeated the action and the chant, louder and brighter with the repetition. Kevin filmed a few renditions on his phone, then set it aside, leaning forward to kiss his daughter's sauce-smeared face.

"I love you, sweetheart."

"Dadadada," she cackled, her hands smearing spaghetti sauce onto his face. She kissed him back, her mouth leaving a trail of saliva and noodle bits on his cheek. During moments like this, all the pain and all the trials felt more than worth it.

His phone rang, and he clumsily answered it with sauce-smeared fingertips, a smile curving his lips upward.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kevin." Alexis' voice slipped through the line, soft and tentative. "Can we talk?"

* * *

Author's Note: Happy New Year! Please review—I can't wait to hear what you think.


	10. Chapter 10

The Weight of Us

Chapter Ten

By:

A.K. Hunter

"Never meant to lose me." —Birdy, "Ghost in the Wind"

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kevin," Alexis said softly. She stood alone in the kitchen, her eyes glued on the waves crashing outside. She swallowed, her heart racing, her grip on the phone white-knuckle. "Can we talk?"

Silence filled the line for two heartbeats. Then, "Alexis?"

"Yes." She nodded, though he couldn't see her. "It's me."

His relief was audible. "Oh my god. It's so good to hear from you. How are you? Are you alright?"

His eagerness and worry almost knocked her off her feet. "I-I'm fine. I'm good. How are you?" she asked, cringing at how awkward and obviously not-fine she must have sounded.

"I've been so worried. I'm so glad to hear your voice," he said again. "I—"

A high-pitched babbling noise echoed through the phone. She thought she could vaguely hear a child's voice chanting, "Da-da-da-da."

Alexis' gut clenched. With a sharp breath, she slammed her eyes shut. Rosie. Her Rosie. The visceral need to hear her child, to hold her and make sure she was okay, had Alexis leaning hard against the counter. It had been nearly four months since she'd last seen her daughter's beautiful face, since Alexis had last felt the girl's weight in her arms, smelled her hair, or heard her voice.

"Sorry, Alexis, hold on just a second."

"Okay," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Over the line, she heard Kevin speaking, "Hold still, sweetheart," and heard Rosie respond "No!" There was some whining a moment later, and after another few beats, Kevin picked the phone back up. "Sorry about—"

"Is that Rosie?" Alexis asked even though she already knew the answer. "How is she?"

"I'm really sorry, but can I call you back? She's literally covered in spaghetti sauce right now, and I need to get her cleaned up. I really do want to talk to you though. Really. Can I call you back when I have her settled? It'd just be an hour or so. Does that work for you?"

Again, his obvious desperation threw her for a loop. Alexis nodded again. "Sure. I understand." Kevin promised to call her back, apologized again, and then ended the call.

Alexis held her phone in her hand, frozen in place. Disappointment threaded through her, mixing with a keyed up desperation. She'd listened to Kevin's voicemail when she'd woken up that morning, and all day long she'd been preparing to talk to him, mentally practicing what she would say.

 _Thank you for not hating me. Thank you for taking care of Rosie. Thank you for the apology._

And, most of all, _Thank you for trying to understand how your actions have affected me._

But those words remained unsaid, and while she was obsessing over an imaginary conversation alone in the kitchen of her father's vacation house, Kevin was busy taking care of their daughter by himself. How could he not hate her? How could she have just left—

"Stop it," Alexis snapped at herself. "Stop it, stop it, stop it." She looked around the perfectly cleaned kitchen then glanced at the breakfast nook, where she'd stacked her current reading material: anatomy guides, a self-help book on visualization, and a slew of medical memoirs. None of the titles looked to be a tempting distraction.

Her phone pinged, still held tight in her hand. It was a video from Kevin. _Sorry to cut you short_ , the attached message read. _But I've got to clean up this cute little mess. :)_

The air was knocked out of Alexis' chest when she saw Rosie—older and bigger and less a baby than a toddler, covered in spaghetti sauce, stuffing noodles into her mouth and laughing. Her red hair was longer now, her features more defined, and Rosie grinned at the camera with baby teeth that Alexis didn't remember. At once, she felt something like elation just as a heavy weight dropped into the pit of her stomach. Rosie was happy and healthy…. And Alexis missed her so much it physically hurt. She looked at the worn running shoes just inside the kitchen, next to the back door that led to the beach.

Two minutes later, Alexis was on the deck, folding her body into familiar stretches. She glanced at the sunset. One hour. She could squeeze several miles into that timeframe. Though Alexis had learned several healthy coping mechanisms in the last few months, running helped the most. The crash of the waves on the beach, the rhythm of each step, and the physical demand it put on her body, soothed her in a way that nothing else could.

She'd started running a few months before, when the long, empty hours with nothing but her thoughts and regrets had seemed too daunting to bear and, though she was well hidden, she still felt like escaping. She'd found an old pair of sneakers from college in the guest bedroom at the Hamptons House, left behind on a trip to the vacation house during happier times. Old and dusty, they still fit, and she'd taken her first run while frozen winds were still coming in off the Atlantic. Her body had been overly thin, almost emaciated, and embarrassingly out of shape. She hadn't even been able to do a half mile before she was bent over, her muscles cramping with disuse. And in that moment, when she'd been bent over, heaving up her breakfast and gasping for air, she'd discovered two very important things: No matter how fast she ran, she'd never be able to escape herself, and that while her body screamed at the abuse, she'd managed to go almost an entire half mile without her demons snarling at her.

She'd finished the run, albeit slower than when she'd began, and the next day, she put her sneakers back on and ran again.

Over the months she'd been isolated, between her odd jobs and therapy sessions, she'd worn holes in those old running shoes. Early mornings while the moon was still high, ever-warming afternoons that wrapped around her and thawed some of the ice in her bones, and evenings with the sunset as her companion, she'd treaded her way down the coastline, pushing herself further, faster, and each time reveling in the strength in her body and the clarity in her mind.

Rosie's laugh echoing in her ears, Alexis set a light warm-up pace as she stepped off of the deck, gradually adding speed until she found that perfect rhythm between inhalations and footfalls.

Alexis was glad to see Rosie was doing so well. Kate had told her that Kevin was shouldering the majority of the care-taking where Rosie was concerned, but seeing it in action was another matter. It was a relief to Alexis in countless ways to see her daughter was seemingly unburdened by her absence. And though anything Kevin-related remained bittersweet where Alexis was concerned, she was honestly glad to see him taking fatherhood so seriously. She'd sold him short in that regard, and she was glad to be wrong. Rosie deserved good parents, and if Alexis couldn't fit the bill, it was a relief that Kevin had stepped up to the challenge.

She put on a burst of speed at that thought, waving as she passed all the same retired couples watching the sunset from their verandas. Most of them waved back, used to seeing her running down the beach like a madwoman. The self-loathing still lingered, and she used precious oxygen to force the words through her mouth.

"Own your story."

During one of her sessions, after Alexis had told her therapist, Mara—a retired psychiatrist who lived alone with three small dogs—every detail from the last five-odd years, she'd asked the older woman what she should do to fix her life.

Mara's answer? "This is your story, Alexis. It's time that you own it."

Alexis hadn't understood, and she'd said as much.

"Your story is exactly what you believe it to be. And only you have the power to make it something different. If you believe yourself a victim, that's what you'll be. If you believe yourself a failure, that's what you'll be. Do you understand? You're confused and you're afraid and you don't know how to trust anymore. Just because that is where you're at right now, that doesn't mean you don't have the power to change it. You can turn your mistakes into triumphs. You can turn your scars into marks of strength. You can help your broken family become whole again."

"That's impossible," Alexis had said. "I don't even know where to begin with something like that."

"Start by changing the story."

And that was the thing that Alexis had been mulling over for some time. She was all too happy to accept her mistakes, to take every bit of blame and anger her father had heaped on her, to acknowledge that she'd lost herself in Kevin when he'd come back in her life, that she'd long ago stopped accepting help, stopped trusting people to bear her burdens, and that distrust, more than anything else, had brought her to those lonely moments on the sand.

Similarly, she understood, logically, that those weeks she'd been imprisoned by Sloane weren't her fault. He'd made the choice to hurt her and Rosie, and she'd done the best she could. Not once had she felt guilty for killing him in self defense, which had also shaken her on some deep level. Before she'd been at the mercy of that terrible man, she'd never considered herself capable of killing someone, much less capable of feeling relieved by it.

She knew she'd made mistakes. She knew she'd been hurt in ways that she had no control over. But she didn't know how to turn that into triumph, how to fix the endless trail of broken behind her. She didn't know how she could simply walk back into her old life, how to pick up where she'd left off with her daughter, her father, her friends and family. And when Alexis remembered the person she'd been when she'd come back to New York after med school, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she didn't want that life. She didn't want to be that person anymore. In fact, the self-loathing she felt for allowing herself to become that person was smothering. How could she ever fix things when she'd done such a thorough job of ruining them? How could she even hope for something better, something that she clearly didn't deserve?

But Mara had been unwavering. If Alexis wanted to move forward, she had to change her story. So she practiced at being the protagonist of her story. She was still practicing it.

Rosie deserved good parents. Kevin was a good parent. And Alexis had been one, too. And one day she would be the mother Rosie deserved again. If nothing else, she would fix her relationship with her daughter. Though, she hoped she could fix things with the rest of her family, too.

Kevin was a variable she was still working through, and her feelings changed daily. Distance helped, and she was now able to remember the good along with the bad, but that didn't help as much as she'd thought it would. Sweet memories of him rubbing her feet while she'd been pregnant warred with the lonely hours alone in his apartment. She knew that he loved her, that had never been in doubt. And the desperate love he had for her had driven him to do some of the terrible things she hadn't yet forgiven him for. Over and over, she thought of their more recent history, every moment from the night he'd showed up at her doorstep to when she'd left Rosie with him on New Year's Eve. And she'd realized that not only was love not always enough—sometimes love could be a terrible, cruel thing.

But all of the reasoning in the world didn't change the fact that she still dreamed about him at night. And during her waking hours, she found herself wanting to tell him about a funny customer she'd had, or how, after seeing a small family playing together on the beach, it had been all too easy to imagine herself, Kevin, and Rosie in that family's place. Happy and whole. Part of her missed him. And despite everything, she couldn't bring herself to hate him. Just as she struggled to imagine herself as a protagonist, she couldn't cast him as the villain in her story.

Her phone began buzzing in the small pouch she carried with her when she ran. Alexis was well into her return trip, only about a half mile from the house, and the sun was much lower now than it had been when she'd set off. She immediately slowed to a walk, pressing the phone against her ear.

"Hi."

"I'm so sorry about that," Kevin said.

"It's okay. It's not like you knew I'd be calling after so long." She was surprised by how much stronger her voice sounded, though she was still catching her breath.

"Are you okay? You sound out of breath."

"I'm fine. I was just on a run…"

"You run?" he asked.

"Yeah. It helps," she said simply. "Thanks for the video. You weren't kidding about the mess."

"Spaghetti's her favorite lately. I thought she liked the taste, but now I'm thinking she just likes playing in it."

"Is she sleeping now?"

"Not quite. She's actually with me right now. She likes being rocked to sleep."

"I remember that." Alexis' voice went soft. "She's gotten so big."

"It's about time. The pediatrician thinks she'll be catching up to her age group by the end of the summer."

"Greg said that?"

"Yeah."

"And developmentally?"

"She's still a little behind, but she's closing the gap. He's not worried about it."

"That's great." Relief warred with longing. "I miss her, you know. I worry about her all the time. I know what you must think—"

"I think you're doing the best you can. I think you've always done the best you could."

Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, and she settled onto the wooden steps of deck. "How can you be so forgiving about this?"

"Because there's nothing to forgive. When I was gone, you took care of her, you forced yourself out of bed in the morning while you quietly dealt with something that nobody understood, and you took care of her. You're a great mother, Alexis. You've just got to take care of you for a while. And there's nothing wrong with that."

Her carefully planned words dried up, and she was inexplicably angry. "Yes, there is! I shouldn't have done what I did. I shouldn't have just left her. I abandoned her, Kevin. Why are you going easy on me? After all the guilt I put on you for leaving... I can't even begin to thank you—"

"Please, don't thank me. I'm her dad. It's my job. "

"I'm her mother."

"You're getting better, remember? And don't apologize, either. You have nothing to apologize for, especially not to me. If anything, I owe _you_ an apology."

"You already apologized." She wiped her eyes. "It was a very nice one."

"It was a text message. Now that you're taking phone calls, I need to do better."

"Kevin—"

"Just let me say this one thing, and then I promise we can talk about how terrible you are for as long as you want."

Laughter bubbled in her chest, and she fought back a smile despite the tears on her face. "Okay."

"I'm sorry it took this long for me to understand how I hurt you. I'm sorry I let my fear control me and that you and your family suffered the consequences. I'm sorry if I have ever once made you feel afraid. I'm sorry I broke your trust and forced you into that situation. Christ, Alexis, I honestly don't know how you can even stand to be on the phone with me. I don't know how you can trust me to take care of Rosie. You know I've got a lot of regrets, but my single biggest one is lying to you about who I was." He took a deep, ragged breath. "And while we're on the subject, I'm sorry I pressured you. I, uh, I was just so excited to finally live my life, for us to finally move on with _our_ lives, that I didn't allow myself to see how much you were hurting and how much of that was my fault."

It took a long time for Alexis to pull together a response. Through his speech, she'd drawn in ragged, quiet breaths as tears slid down her face. Talking with him was opening old wounds, but somewhere in that pain, she felt a release. Something like healing. "What changed?"

His voice was rough when he responded. "Kate told me why you left. And the thing is, my fantasy about us living happily ever after can't happen if you're not around. I thought it would be easy to pick up where we'd left off, and I never allowed myself to think that you would feel differently. I shouldn't have held you to that. Not after all this time. Not after everything I did."

Alexis swallowed the lump in her throat. "Thank you." She didn't know whether to agree with or refute his assumption that her feelings had changed. It felt important to fall on one side or the other, and to let him know which side that was.

"So how are you, really?" he asked.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. "Um. Better. Stronger, I think."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm sleeping again. And I'm seeing a psychiatrist out here. She's retired, but she gives me therapy in exchange for cleaning her house, so I can't complain. I think she's actually helping. I'm staying busy, staying active... I don't drink anymore, either." Shame bubbled in her stomach at that last part.

"I'm so relieved. I was so worried about you."

"Everyone knows where I am now. And I think I'm out of danger. But I don't know how to come back. I even don't know if I want to go back to what I had before, you know? And I've hurt so many people. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be someone different, but I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how go back to my life and not end up in the exact same place." She was surprised at how easily the words, those constant fears, tumbled out of her mouth. "Dad and I had a big fight, and I broke him, Kevin. And now he's not answering my calls. Kate went back home to check on him, and she says he's okay, but... what if it's too late? What if I can't come back?"

"Your dad loves you. Rosie loves you. I... _Everyone_ loves you, Alexis. That hasn't changed. That's not going to change. I promise. And if you don't want to go back to the life you had before, that's okay. That just means you get to make a new life."

"Own your story," she whispered to herself.

"Exactly. It's not easy, but your life is worth fighting for. You've made it this far. Might as well finish the course, right?"

She nodded, then found a bittersweet laugh slipping through her lips. "When did you get so wise? I thought you were a screw up like me."

"Please. I'm a way bigger screw up than you'll ever be. And being such a massive screw up, I've had to learn a few things the hard way."

"Thank you, Kevin." For the first time since she'd started their conversation, her gratitude wasn't fueled by guilt or self-loathing.

"You're welcome, Alexis."

The conversation lulled, and she caught a glimpse of the moon rising over the horizon. "I, um, I should probably let you get to sleep, huh?"

"Probably." He sounded regretful about that. "But you can call anytime. Really. It's... it's so good to hear your voice. And I'm always here if you need anything. Please don't hesitate to call."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"And I can send you more updates on Rosie, too, if you want. I, um, I think it's probably best to avoid talking to her or anything until you're ready to be her mom again, but I can send pictures, videos, whatever you want."

Again, his words were bittersweet, but she couldn't hold back her smile at the gift he was offering her. "I'd like that."

* * *

Kate peeked her head into her husband's office, looking for Johanna. She found Castle at his computer and their daughter sitting across from him at his desk, working meticulously on a coloring book in a way that reminded Kate of Alexis. "How's the writing coming?" she asked.

Castle's eyes flashed up, and he shifted the laptop in front of him. "Fine."

Monosyllables were common with him lately, among other communication issues, and Kate forced the brightness into her tone. "Can I see? I'm dying to know what Nikki Heat does next."

"You'll have to wait with the rest of the readers."

"Johanna will tell me, won't you?" Kate brushed her daughter's hair away from her face. "What's your dad cooking up this time?"

"Daddy's writing about custardy," Johanna said sweetly, then gestured to the picture in front of her. "Look at my pink elephant, mommy."

Kate kept a smile affixed to her face. "It's beautiful, sweetheart. Hey, it's time to get ready for bed. Will you go brush your teeth for me?"

"But my picture's not done."

She kneeled down. "If you go brush your teeth right now, I'll let you color in bed for a little longer. How's that sound?"

"Okay!" The five-year-old ran out of the office, clutching her coloring book and markers to her chest. The smile dropped as soon as their daughter left the room, and Kate closed the door behind her.

"Kate—"

"So you're lying to my face now?"

He sat up, closing the laptop. "I just don't want to fight with you anymore."

"And I just want my husband to be honest with me. Are you really thinking about going through with this?"

"Not thinking. Doing."

Kate shook her head. "Rick—"

"You asked me to be honest with you."

"I don't understand what you think this will accomplish."

"Besides keeping my granddaughter away from a convicted criminal?"

"Do you really want to take away the last parent she has right now? She loves him."

At that, Castle stood, his face contorting into a fury that was almost too commonplace. "I'll say this a million times if I have to, but conceiving a baby with Alexis does not make that man a father."

"He loves her; he takes care of her. His whole life revolves around that little girl—"

"She shouldn't be in his life at all!" he snarled.

"Well, he is. And she's better off for it."

"Like hell—"

"In fact, I'd say that Kevin has a better grasp on this whole fatherhood concept than you do right now."

Castle reeled back like she'd hit him. "Excuse me?"

"When are you going to answer Alexis' phone calls? She's been trying to talk to you for a week now."

His lips pursed, and for a moment she thought she saw a hint of vulnerability behind all that anger. Finally, her husband straightened, stepping out from behind his desk. "I don't need your permission to pursue custody, Kate. In fact, Ryan's already violated our arrangement by not bringing her over last weekend."

Kate stepped in his path. He wouldn't get away that easily. "Nice deflection. And it's no wonder he doesn't bring her over anymore, Castle. He's terrified he'll never see her again."

"Then he might understand what the last few years have been like for me." He sighed. "I'm tired, Kate. Can we just table this for now?"

"No! You can't have it both ways. You can't say this is about what's best for Rosie when you won't even talk to Alexis. You don't think she should be involved in this decision? Why are you pushing her away like this?"

"I'm letting her live in my vacation home!"

"Is she your tenant or your daughter?"

"A tenant would have to pay rent. Last I checked, she's living there for free."

"What happens to Alexis if you get custody of Rosie?"

"Alexis can go through me. It works out for everyone."

"Do you even hear yourself right now?"

"Kate, this is open and shut. Ryan will lose custody, and then Rosie's ours."

"Honey, I know you're hurting. I know you're struggling to deal with all of this—"

"I'm fine."

"—but you can't just cut pieces out of this family and then try to glue the leftovers back together. It won't work."

"Ryan is not my family."

"He's Rosie's father."

"You're like a broken record." He stepped around her, heading to the door.

"What happens if your little plan backfires? What happens if our granddaughter ends up in the system because of this little stunt?"

"It won't happen."

"You're not even listening!"

"Kate—"

She cut him off on his way to the door. "Fine, if you're so hellbent on making this perfect life for yourself, then you can count me and Johanna out of it."

That finally made him pause. "What?"

"I'm not going to be an accessory to this, Castle. If you go through with this, know that you'll be doing it alone."

He shook his head. "You're unbelievable, you know that? What the hell do you see in that monster?"

Kate paused, her lips twisting into a frown. "I see a father who loves his daughter and is afraid of losing her. And I would think you of all people would understand what that feels like."

She left the office, slamming the door shut behind her.

* * *

Author's Note: A million thanks to The-KLF, Lori, Candice, and Bniles for reviewing the last chapter! You guys are the wind beneath my little writer wings.

Thanks for reading, everyone. I hope you're still enjoying the story. Please review!


	11. Chapter 11

The Weight of Us

By: A.K. Hunter

Chapter Eleven

"I'm getting tired and I need something to rely on." —Keane, "Somewhere Only We Know"

* * *

"You know, back when we were working together I never imagined something like this."

Kevin pulled his eyes away from Rosie, who sat in the sandbox with Javi's son, Aaron, a few feet away from where the two men were sitting. Javi had been true to his word, and that Saturday afternoon found them at the park near Kevin's apartment.

The children had seemed happy about the reunion, and the little boy was patiently showing Rosie how to build a sandcastle. The redhead grinned as she grabbed a handful of sand from Aaron's creation, crinkling the grains between her tiny fingers.

"Rosa," he complained. "That's my tower!"

"Imagined what?" Kevin asked absently.

"Going on a friggin' playdate, man." Javi grinned at him. The reunion between the former partners wasn't quite as seamless as it had been for their children. Silence tended to last a little longer than the conversation, and they'd quickly run out of small talk. Kevin was okay with that. Under normal circumstances, Javier wasn't a person with whom he knew how to make small talk. Their current situation was anything but normal, and if Kevin's mind hadn't been weighed down with much heavier concerns, he might have suggested that they pull off the Band-Aid and try to address the elephant in the room.

"Life's funny like that, I guess." Kevin tried to infuse some warmth into his tone, but he couldn't quite fake it. He rubbed at his eyes, familiar panic slipping into the pit of his stomach.

"What's the matter? She still not letting you sleep?"

Kevin shook his head.

A crease appeared between Javier's eyes."What is it then?"

With a sigh, Kevin reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out the letter he'd received that morning. It already showed signs of wear, as Kevin had opened and closed it a hundred times, reading and re-reading the missive as if a new perusal would change the neatly printed letters on the page. He offered it to Javi wordlessly, and the man took it with confusion etched onto his face. While his former partner read, Kevin's eyes glued on Rosie, who was now carefully sprinkling sand onto Aaron's reconstructed castle, clearly wary of upsetting the boy again.

"You're being subpoenaed for a custody hearing?"

The words were a knife in his chest, and Kevin could only nod.

"Shit."

The complete lack of hope in his former partner's words pulled a bitter laugh from his mouth. Javier knew just as well as Kevin did that no judge, no court, no impartial third party would ever choose him, a reformed criminal with a history of disappearing, over a respected and affluent member of the community. "Exactly." Kevin rubbed his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm gonna lose her, Javi."

"Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe you two can settle this outside of court."

"The last time we saw each other, he punched me in the face and said to 'lawyer up.'" Kevin tipped his head to the letter. "Clearly his feelings haven't changed."

"Does Alexis know? I mean, this is gonna affect her too, right?"

Kevin shook his head. "I don't think she knows. She's still... gone."

"You need to tell her. Maybe she can come back? Talk to Castle?"

"Yeah, maybe." Kevin struggled with that concept. In the weeks since she called him, a kind of distant peace had settled between them. Kevin had been dutifully keeping her in the loop with Rosie, and their daily text messages were filled with videos and pictures of their daughter. Alexis seemed thrilled to have a link to Rosie again, though Kevin knew it wasn't easy for her to have one foot in the little girl's life while she was still miles away. Just a couple days earlier, Alexis had sent him a picture of a couple children playing on the beach with the caption: "saw these two on my run. I never got to take Rosie to the beach. Do you think she'd like it?"

Kevin still didn't know if the message was a confession of regret or an unspoken request. Though he hated to think how much guilt she'd placed on herself for leaving, he would hate even more to tell her no if it was indeed a request to see their daughter. For the first time since Alexis had left, Rosie's anxiety seemed to be levelling out, and Kevin didn't want her to backslide by seeing her mother before Alexis was ready to resume her role.

Of course, that was before the letter had arrived, before the decision of what was best for his daughter was yanked out of his hands. Much as Kevin hated the idea of not being allowed to see Rosie, he hated even more to think how she would react to not being able to see him. She loved her grandparents and her great-grandmother, but Kevin was the one she'd attached herself to when Alexis had left. The last thing Rosie needed was to lose another parent.

"I called Beckett earlier," Kevin said. "She said she'd help, for whatever it's worth."

Javi didn't answer, and Kevin knew that was because they both knew that Beckett's help wouldn't be enough. Not with Kevin's record.

"Honestly," he continued, "I don't blame him. I'd want to hurt me, too."

"But this won't just hurt you."

He thought of the way Rosie clutched him on bad nights, her tiny body shaking with sobs. "No, not just me."

A little girl around Rosie's age clambered over to where the two children were playing. She and Rosie chatted, both of them filling the little girl's bucket with sand. Then the little girl picked the bucket up with a grin and turned it over on Rosie's head, dousing her with sand.

Rosie began to cry, spitting sand out of her mouth and wiping at her eyes, and Aaron started yelling at the girl. Kevin and Javier crossed the space in a moment, just as a young woman who seemed to be the little girl's nanny reached the group.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" She cried, clutching the little girl's hand. "Anna, that was not nice. You need to say sorry."

"Sowwy," Anna said, eyeing Rosie with a pinched expression.

"It's okay," Kevin said to the nanny. The little girl was pulled away, and Kevin pulled Rosie up, brushing her clothes and hair off, and gently wiping sand from her face with the tissues he kept in his pocket for the sole purpose of cleaning her up. "You're okay, sweetheart."

She coughed and spat out sand on his shirt. "Bad..." she whined.

He fought back a smile. "Yes, that was bad, wasn't it?"

"Here, mi rosa." Javi appeared next to them with her sippy cup. He must have snagged it out of the diaper bag.

She took the drink with a hiccup, leaning against Kevin as she soothed her parched mouth. He idly brushed a few more grains of sand out of her pigtails.

"Kevin," Javi said.

"Yeah?"

"Whatever you do, you can't let this go to court."

He looked down at his daughter, at the casual was she leaned against him, her head against his chest, one hand clutching his shirt. "I know."

Hours later, Rosie fed and bathed, Kevin found himself sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery, his daughter sleeping against his chest. He savored the feeling, and all the while his heart raced with panic. He had to etch every single detail into his memory, because if Castle had his way, and all indications said that he would, Kevin's time was running short. He was going to lose her.

Javier's words were still ringing in his ears as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. Kate had advised the same thing when he'd spoken to her about the subpoena: Talk to Alexis; see if she can help. He scrolled through his and Alexis' text message history, noting her responses to his updates and the messages she'd sent of her own volition. Nine out of ten of them were centered around Rosie, but every so often she'd send a message just for him. A funny picture of a customer that she thought he'd enjoy. Asking how Brigid was doing. A request for his omelette recipe and then a picture of a slightly burned omelette that she'd proudly cooked herself. Each time, Kevin had held back the hope in his chest, the desire to jump into a lengthy conversation with her. He was trying so hard to be what she needed him to be, whether the label was co-parent or friend or simply long-distance confidante.

Because Kevin didn't think it was a coincidence that Alexis had started drinking and falling apart as soon as he came back into the picture. He was glad and more than a little relieved that she was doing better; she'd scared the hell out of him in a way that he'd never been scared before. Kevin liked to think that at some point Alexis would be back to herself, that she'd want to share custody of Rosie again.

There was safety in the distance they had now. And much as he wanted even more than the long-distance status quo they'd erected, at least now Alexis seemed to have some ounce of trust for him, and he was able to be part of her life without hurting or disappointing her. The chances of that trend continuing were slim though, if he allowed himself to act on his desires. Because Kevin didn't just want to be her friend or co-parent, and their history had taught him that he couldn't be close to Alexis without fucking things up.

Kevin was dreading what he needed to do next. He and Alexis were on better terms now, but that didn't mean that she would welcome his news, or the stress it would undoubtedly put on her. Of course, Kevin had learned more than once that withholding information was a sorry way to protect her.

He slid his phone back in his pocket and forced himself to stand, to place Rosie in her crib and take one step after another away from her until he was standing in his bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, stopping for a moment to run his fingers over Alexis' old necklace, the one she'd left in his apartment, the one he'd clutched whenever things got hard during his undercover assignment. He kept it on his bedside table, and if there was any ounce of goodness left in the sterling silver weave, he would need it.

Kevin looked at the clock, wondering where Alexis would be at that time, and pressed the phone to his ear. She answered on the third ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey. Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"No. Just washing dishes. What's going on?"

"Um…" Words left his brain, and though he wanted to hide from his reason for calling, he forced the next set of words through his teeth before he lost his nerve altogether. "How would you feel about me bringing Rosie to visit?"

Silence filled the line so long he thought she'd hung up. "Alexis?"

"I'm here." She cleared her throat. "Are you sure? You said before—"

"I know what I said before. Now I'm asking if you want to see her. You don't have to come to Manhattan; I'll bring her to you."

"I... I just... Yes, I want to see her. God, I want to see her so much. You know that. But... is it a good idea? What if I can't—"

He found himself growing frenzied with every second she dragged her feet, and he wanted to snap, to demand her answer, but he forced himself to take a breath.

"—not ready?"

"Alexis," he said as evenly as he could. "Your father is suing for custody. He's taking me to court—"

He heard the intake of breath and immediate panic in her tone. "What? No. He can't."

"He can. He is. And no judge is going to choose me over him and—"

"Do you want me to talk to him? I can try to convince him—"

"Will you please let me finish?"

Silence slipped through again, then a softer, quieter, "I'm sorry."

He sighed into the phone. "I know you're scared right now. And I know you don't want to hurt Rosie. And I really appreciate that. But right now I need you to tell me, yes or no, if you're willing to try this. I want to bring her over. I want to give you two a chance to reconnect, a chance for you to be her mom again. You said you wanted to move forward. I know this is a bigger step than you were planning on, but this is forward."

When she finally answered, her voice was small. "Kevin, a judge isn't going to chose me, either. I'm the one who abandoned her…. I… Will this change anything?"

"I don't know. Maybe if you can be in her life again, Castle will cancel the suit. I-I don't know what else to do here."

"And what if he continues? What if it goes to court?"

He let out a shuddering breath. "If this goes to court, I probably won't see her ever again. You, I don't know. You'll probably have to set it up with Castle to see her at all, from the way Beckett tells it."

"I need to talk to him," she said, her tone turning heated. "I've been trying so hard to get him to just talk to me! How could he do this without even telling me? And Rosie—how could he do this to her? She loves you! She needs you."

"I know," he said, his voice choked. He allowed himself to admit one thing that had been playing on repeat in the back of his panicked mind. "I need her, too…. Alexis," he sighed, "Please tell me you'll do this."

Silence filled the line again, and Kevin found himself scrambling to understand her hesitance. That part of him that had already worked through the puzzle wanted to push until she gave in, but again he stopped himself.

"What are you thinking?" he asked. "Talk to me, please."

"So it'd just be you and me and Rosie?"

Her unspoken fear hit him in the gut. He licked his lips, gathering his thoughts. "I know I'm not in any kind of place to be asking for favors, and I know you're probably not thrilled with me invading your safe space…." He sighed. "Alexis, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to ask you to do anything you're not comfortable with—" He stopped himself, realizing that he'd already asked her to do that very thing. He rubbed his face. " I know there are probably a million tiny steps between having a phone conversation with me and what I'm asking of you. But this isn't about me and you. It's about Rosie, and I just… I don't know what else to do. I've been trying so hard to fix things, and I don't think I can fix this one. Not by myself. Alexis, I'm terrified of losing her. I need your help." He waited, his heart pounding in his ears, for her to reject him.

With a heavy exhale, she finally responded. "Let me know when to expect you. I'll be ready."

* * *

"You know how bad this looks, right?"

Kevin stood in the office of Special Agent Darren Shields, his former handler-turned-friend, at the New York FBI headquarters. He'd just gotten done telling the man why he'd be needing a few days off. Shields' expression had gone from surprise to distrust only a few seconds into Kevin's explanation.

"Alexis wants to see Rosie," Kevin hedged.

"Yes, I'm sure after disappearing without a trace for four months, she's probably missing her kid." Shields held his hands up at Kevin's glare. "Hey, I'm just saying how the courts will see it when this comes up during the custody hearing."

"There's nothing to come up. It's just a visit. I've got Kate Beckett's permission—"

"But not Rick Castle's."

Kevin huffed, slinging himself into the chair in front of Shields' desk as he realized this would not be a short conversation. "I've tried about a hundred times to have a conversation with that man, and he keeps telling me to save it for court. You'll have to excuse me for not asking his express permission."

Darren rubbed his eyes. "Why are you telling me this? I'm not your supervisor."

"Everyone around here knows you're still my handler in all the ways that count. I'm still a liability in the Bureau's eyes—"

"So you want me to go to the boss and green-light your last-minute family vacation?"

"I just need a few days."

Shields leaned forward, steepling his hands in front of him. "Just tell me this: Are you planning to take that little girl and run?"

Kevin reeled back, but Shields didn't look the least bit apologetic. "Or maybe you're planning to swing by the Hamptons and take Alexis, too?" he continued.

"You are fucking unbelievable," Kevin said when he could finally string a sentence together. "How insane do you think I am?"

"I know you, Kevin. I know what you're capable of when your back is against a wall. You've got a custody hearing coming up; now is not the time to be falling into old habits."

"What are you, my sponsor?" He stood up. "I'm not leaving the state. I'm taking my daughter to visit her mother in the Hamptons. That's it."

"It doesn't take a genius to know this is one bad decision removed from an Amber Alert. What aren't you telling me?"

"Fine!" Kevin snapped. "You want to know what this is? This is me wanting to make a few memories with the two most important people in my life before one of them is taken away from me, okay? I know there's no fighting this custody suit. I know I'm going to lose her. I just," he exhaled, blinking hard. "I just want a few days."

Silence set in, and Shields nodded solemnly. "Take all the time you need. I'll make sure you're covered."

"Thank you."

"But Kevin," Shields said as he turned to leave, "if you leave the state with your daughter, there's no saving you."

Kevin paused for a moment, nodded, and left the office.

After finishing his work day, it took less than an hour for Kevin to get his and Rosie's things packed up for their stay with Alexis. She'd been texting and calling, making sure Rosie would have everything she needed at the house, lamenting the lack of baby proofing, and asking Kevin what kinds of foods Rosie liked to eat. It was all happening so fast it made Kevin's mind spin.

They were only a few miles out of the city when Rosie fell asleep in her car seat, and Shields' words echoed in Kevin's mind with each passing interstate sign. The thing was, Shields was right to be concerned. Kevin knew exactly what he would do if he wanted to take Rosie and run; his mind had been running through variables without his permission since he'd received the subpoena.

But he couldn't do that to Alexis, or Kate, or Martha. Hell, he couldn't do that to Castle, either. There was no getting around this one. No trick or gray area to stray into. Kevin was stuck. He glanced at Rosie in the rear-view mirror and swallowed thickly.

He was doing everything he could. The rest was out of it hands.

And he fucking hated it.

* * *

Everything was a whirlwind.

In the not-quite forty-eight hours since Kevin had called, Alexis had called Kate in a panic, called her Dad, arranged for time off from the diner, called her Dad again and then sent an email when he hadn't responded, called her therapist Mara, achieved a new best time on a ten-mile run, sent her Dad about fifteen texts, scrubbed every inch of the house, implemented some do-it-yourself baby proofing, called her Dad yet again, put fresh sheets on the bed that Kevin would be sleeping in, shopped for groceries, and, when she should have been sleeping, she'd been reading about child development to prepare herself for seeing Rosie's growth up close and researching legal procedures for custody hearings to prepare for the road ahead.

Twice during that time, Alexis had stood at the bus station, checking routes to Manhattan until she knew the schedule by heart. Not that she could bring herself to actually get on the bus. She was trapped between the fear that froze her in place and the knowledge that the only way she'd be able to speak with her father was if she cornered him in person. Both attempts to make that journey had lasted almost an hour before she allowed herself to go home.

Now Kevin was en route to the house, with Rosie in tow, and Alexis stood in front of the stove, stirring a boiling pot of half-limp spaghetti noodles. While she left the noodles to boil, she began heating sauce in a pan, obsessively checking the time. Despite the manic spree she'd been on, Alexis didn't feel tired. She was glad to be occupied. The busyness did a good job of holding the fear at bay, which was good because the fears were endless, as evidence by the list she'd been keeping in a notebook on the counter.

Mara had suggested the idea when Alexis called, telling her about the situation and asking how she was supposed to manage it all. Placing the fear in a physical space outside her own mind seemed to help; it was easier to look at each phrase and offer a logical counter to the anxiety.

Alexis had just drained the noodles and turned the sauce down to simmer when the doorbell rang, echoing through the large house. She took a deep breath and wiped her sweaty hands on the front of her jeans, carefully placing one foot in front of the other until she reached the door.

Her heart racing, her stomach churning, Alexis opened the door to find Kevin on the other side, holding a sleepy looking redhead in his arms. Rosie's head rested on his shoulder as she blinked slowly at her surroundings, clutching his shirt with one hand. A pink duck was curled in her other arm.

"Hi," Kevin breathed, so much emotion infused into the one word that it made Alexis' heart skip a beat. He was looking her over, but not like the men she'd seen sometimes at the diner, like they were wondering what she was hiding under her uniform. Kevin seemed to be checking her against a mental catalogue, the same way Alexis had checked Rosie for ten fingers and ten toes when she'd been born.

He looked good, as always. But there was a defeated slump to his shoulders, a sadness behind the half-smile he offered her as he adjusted the drowsy toddler in his arms. His eyes were as blue as ever, hugged by dark circles that betrayed his exhaustion.

"Hi," she echoed. "Come in." Alexis stared at Rosie as he stepped inside the house. The little girl's eyes sluggishly moved around, never quite landing on her mother. Alexis was desperate for some sort of recognition. It'd been four months. Was it possible that Rosie didn't remember her?

Alexis closed the door behind them, and Kevin nudged Rosie with his shoulder. "Sweetheart, hey, look who's here." The baby blinked sleepily at her, and then Alexis saw the exact moment that Rosie remembered her.

"Mama," she said softly, sitting up. All sleepiness disappeared, and a toothy grin spread across her face. "Mama!"

"Hi, Rosie," Alexis whispered. She held her arms out, barely daring to hope for an embrace, but within moments the little girl leaned forward and filled her mother's arms.

Rosie was heavier than she remembered, her arms and legs longer, her chin a little sharper, but her smile was the same. Her tiny hands clutched at Alexis' shoulders, patted her hair, and crinkles appeared around her blue eyes. "Ma! Mama!"

Her fear was erased and replaced with a sense of belonging, a feeling that echoed back to the very first time she'd felt Rosie's fluttering movements inside her.

"Hi, baby. I've missed you so much," Alexis whispered. She didn't know how long she stood in the foyer, holding her baby close, laughter and joy smothering her chest, tears slipping down her cheeks. Rosie didn't seem willing to let go, either.

Alexis met Kevin's gaze. His eyes were brimming with emotion as he watched the reunion. For the first time since Rosie was born, she smiled at him and it felt genuine. "Thank you."

* * *

Author's Note: Twice in one week! I really hope people are still reading this. *nervous laugh* Thanks so much to princessdeleon and JJS4 for reviewing the last chapter. You guys are awesome.

I hope you enjoyed the new update. Please review! There's more goodness to come!


	12. Chapter 12

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twelve

By:

A.K. Hunter

"I can't live a lie." —Cloves, "Frail Love"

* * *

Kevin got the bags out of the car while Alexis and Rosie reunited. When he returned to the house, Rosie was touching Alexis' tearstained face and grinning at her. Alexis looked at the bags Kevin had slung over his shoulder and wiped her face. "Let me show you where you'll be sleeping."

She guided him through the expansive house, stopping at the room she'd cleaned for him. "I've got another room ready for Rosie, just in case, but I wasn't sure if you wanted her to share with you or…"

Kevin shrugged. "As long as she doesn't get too upset with the change in environment, I think she'll be fine in her own room. I'll set up her bed later this evening."

Alexis nodded, watching Rosie clumsily walk around the bedroom, examining the bedspread and the typically vacation home knickknacks placed around the room. Rosie held tight to her mother's hand the whole time, likely both for comfort and stability. "Well, the bathroom's down the hall and—"

"I know." He smiled. "I've been here before, remember?"

Confusion knit her brows together, and then her face heated with the memories of the last time he'd been at the Hamptons house with her. It'd been about five years earlier, when they'd been living together. Both of their lives were so busy back then, with Alexis in med school and Kevin working overtime as a homicide detective. They'd escaped their responsibilities on the weekends as much as they could, and on one of their last weekends together—before their lives had been torn apart—they'd been at the house. Kevin glanced down the hallway to the room Alexis was staying in. They'd shared that room on their trip. They'd made love in that bed multiple times, and a few other places around the house for good measure.

Alexis' cheeks were bright red. "Right. I guess you already know your way around." She looked down at Rosie. Their daughter was a wonderful distraction, but Kevin wished she'd be able to look at him for more than a handful of seconds at a time. There was still something between them, things left unsaid. Despite the fact that she wasn't running in the opposite direction—and was actually opening her safe haven to him—Kevin knew she was still a long way from being comfortable with their arrangement.

"Is that marinara sauce I smell?" Kevin asked, throwing her a lifeline.

Alexis' head popped up, relief flickering briefly on her face. "Yes! I made spaghetti. It should be about done by now. Are you hungry? Has Rosie had dinner yet?"

"We'd love some spaghetti," he answered with a gentle smile.

About an hour later, his belly filled with pasta, Kevin sat back in his chair at the dining room table. "That was delicious. Thank you. You're really becoming quite the cook."

Alexis snorted from her spot adjacent to him, where she was doling out spaghetti noodles to Rosie in the same manner that Kevin often did. The toddler seemed overjoyed to have both of her parents and her favorite food in front of her, and between laughter and slurps of noodle, Kevin caught her dipping her fingers into the sauce and licking it off. She'd need a bath when dinner was through. "Spaghetti and a half-burned omelet hardly counts," she said.

"Still, I remember when the only things you knew how to cook were coffee and soup."

Her smiled became distant at the reference to their relationship. "Yeah, I guess I've gotten a bit better," she conceded. She busied herself twirling her own noodles around her fork just right, and a silence that Kevin couldn't identify settled over the table, punctuated by Rosie's laughter and occasional comments.

When everyone's plates were empty, Kevin stood, stacking the dishes in his hands. "I'll clean up."

"Oh you don't—"

"I know. But you cooked, so it's only fair. Besides, this one," he gestured to Rosie,"needs a bath. Do you mind getting her cleaned up?"

"Um, sure," Alexis said uncertainly.

"The baby shampoo's in the blue bag with the rest of her bath stuff."

"Alright." Alexis removed Rosie's bib, using the last few clean spaces on the fabric to clean excess sauce off their daughter's chin and fingers. Rosie wiggled away from the bib with an annoyed grunt. "How about a bath, baby girl?" Alexis lifted the girl into her arms, heading to the staircase, and Kevin listened to her footfalls as she and Rosie disappeared upstairs.

A sense of distinct peace warred with familiar unease. It seemed like they were really moving forward. Alexis and Rosie were reunited. Alexis was talking to him, even if she couldn't maintain eye contact for very long. She looked good, too. When he'd seen her last, on New Year's Eve, she was so thin, so pale, so curled in on herself that it looked like she was trying to make herself disappear. Again, Kevin felt more than a little guilt for not helping her the way she'd needed it when she'd been in such an obviously bad place. He reminded himself of his promise to do better. He was trying like hell to make good on that promise.

But she did look like she was on the mend. Her face had filled in a bit; her fair skin had regained some color. And he couldn't not notice the way her jeans and fitted t-shirt showed off muscle tone that he hadn't seen in a long while. She seemed stronger, more capable, less exhausted and overwhelmed. He'd have to make sure that his presence didn't change that. He'd never forgive himself if she ended up back in that horrible place she'd been in on New Year's Eve. Hell, there were still a multitude of sins that he'd never forgive himself for, at least where Alexis was concerned.

Kevin took his time washing the dishes, his eyes watching the sunset play over the sandy beach through the kitchen window, his ears listening for any sign of distress upstairs. Occasionally, he'd heard squeals of laughter from Rosie, hear her babbling talk as she filled Alexis in on some important thing, but it was generally quiet. The house was peaceful, open and light. He could see why Alexis had chosen it as a safe space.

When he couldn't put things off any longer, he followed Alexis' trail up the stairs, stopping just outside the bathroom to lean against the doorframe. Alexis kneeled on the mat outside the bathtub, her slender fingers working shampoo through Rosie's thick hair.

The baby sat in a few inches of warm bathwater, and Alexis scooped some of the water up with a cup before carefully rinsing the suds out of the little girl's hair. After getting her cleaned up, Alexis looked around for a towel, and Kevin grabbed one off the counter and handed it to her.

"Thanks," she said, the blush returning to her face. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Not long." He felt his own cheeks redden. "Sorry. It's just great seeing you two together."

That tentative smile pulled up the corners of her mouth. "It's great seeing her again."

"Ma," Rosie chirped, and Alexis lifted her out of the bathtub to stand on the mat and wrapped her in the fluffy towel. Rosie's chubby, clumsy fingers gripped the towel wrapped around her as she shivered.

"Let's get you in your pajamas, huh?"

"They're in my bag," Kevin said helpfully. Alexis nodded and picked her up, disappearing into Kevin's bedroom.

After setting up Rosie's travel bed, Kevin came back downstairs to find Rosie dressed for bed, her hair combed, curled up in a blanket and drowsing in Alexis' arms. It was such a peaceful, soothing sight that he hated to interrupt.

"You don't have to lurk in doorways, you know," Alexis said softly. "You can come in."

Kevin blushed again, rubbing at the back of his head. "She's all unpacked, and her bed's set up." He took a seat in the armchair next to the couch Alexis and Rosie were lounging on, watching the natural way Rosie curled against Alexis' torso, her tiny fingers holding tight to her mother's shirt. "It's like you never left," he said with a small smile.

Alexis returned the smile, but it was a little sad. "I don't recall her being quite this attached before." She brushed a stray strand of hair out of Rosie's face. "Don't get me wrong. I love how snuggly she is, but she was a little more independent before I left her. Guess it makes sense though. If she holds on tight, then it'll be harder for me to leave again."

"You did what you had to do," Kevin said quietly.

"I did," she agreed. "And those actions have consequences, good and bad. I just hope I haven't set her back…"

"She's a happy, healthy little girl, Alexis."

"Because of you. I can't believe my dad would try to take her away." Alexis shook her head. "I don't understand what he thinks this will accomplish. Does he really think she's better off without you?"

Kevin shrugged, though the panic he felt every time he considered the likelihood of Castle taking away his little girl almost made him ill. "He hates me. He's hated me for a long time now, I think. I still remember the night Rosie was born. He told me he'd never forgive me for what I've put you through. I guess he's keeping his word on that."

Alexis shifted uncomfortably, her eyes locked on Rosie. "I understand why he's angry with you—"

"He's not just upset, Alexis. He hates me. He thinks I'm dangerous. You can call it what it is."

"I don't think he's very happy with me right now, either. It's probably what I deserve. I've been so awful to him. I've put him through so much."

"And he'll forgive you. It'll just take some time. He loves you, and he won't lock you out forever."

Alexis looked down at Rosie meaningfully. "Time we don't have." She bit her lip. "What if this backfires? What if a court decides that this family is too toxic for Rosie? What if they take her away?"

Kevin sighed and he wished he could offer her some comfort. But the exact same fear had been playing on repeat in his head. Much as he would hate for Castle to take Rosie away from him, he'd hate it even more if Rosie was placed with another family completely. She'd definitely be set back then. "That's why we need to do everything we can to keep this from going to court." He forced a smile to his lips. "That's why I'm here. That's why Rosie's here. With you."

"And you think me being reunited with her will be enough to dissuade him? He's not even answering my phone calls."

Kevin smiled wryly. "Honestly, I have no doubt that he'll be up in arms when he finds out I've taken Rosie out of Manhattan. I don't envy Kate being on the other end of that conversation… But maybe it'll change things. Maybe he'll be more willing to listen if he sees how hard you're trying."

Alexis nodded, though he could tell he hadn't made a dent in her guilt. "I still can't believe you don't hate me for what I did to her," she whispered.

"Of course I don't hate you. It wasn't your fault." She opened her mouth to speak and he cut her off. "Alexis, I'll never be able to change how much damage I've done to you and your family's lives. And the fact that you got caught in the crossfire, that you got mixed up in my own issues, which you never should have been a part of in the first place…. That's not your fault. It's mine."

She shook her head. "No, I made my own choices here. It's not your fault I ran away. I know it all happened around the same time, but up until you came back, I was hiding my problems and using Rosie to keep me distracted from how I really felt. When we started sharing custody, it just gave me more time to think about everything. You coming back didn't make any of my problems worse: it just made them visible. And that's not your fault because you were just trying to do right by Rosie. I was in a really ugly place, and I hurt a lot of people. You included, I'm sure. And that's not your fault. Those decisions were mine alone."

Kevin was still for a long string of seconds, mulling over Alexis' words. He couldn't believe how easily she'd brushed off his guilt, how quickly she'd been to tell him that it wasn't his fault. "I don't understand," he said. "How can you just forgive me?"

"I never said I forgive you."

Her words, though gently delivered, cut him deeply. The disappointment must have showed on his face, because she sighed. "Kevin, this doesn't mean I'm not still working through every hour I spent locked in your apartment. It doesn't mean that I suddenly know how to trust you." She licked her lips. "It just means that you should focus on the blame that is actually yours. You don't have to take everything on yourself."

He reminded himself to breathe. "Okay, so what do you need to feel safe with me in this house?"

"It's that obvious, huh?"

"I feel you're struggling to look me in the face."

"I…" Alexis looked down at her lap, her expression pained. "Are you still in love with me?"

Whatever he'd been expecting her to say, it hadn't been that question. Still, his answer came easily. "Yes."

Her eyebrows knit together. "Why?"

"Why wouldn't I? You're smart. You're beautiful and strong. You challenge me. You're a great mother to Rosie. Being around you makes me happy, and for the last several years, being with you is all I've wanted."

Alexis seemed to mull over his response for a long time. "Okay," she finally said. "Can I suggest something that you won't like?"

He sighed, running his hand through his hair and wishing he knew where she was going with all of this. "Sure."

"I think you're in love with the person I was five years ago, before everything fell apart. And I don't think you ever got over losing me." She cleared her throat, emotion slipping into her voice, "And that's why you've fixated on being with me when we haven't had a real relationship or even a good friendship for almost five years."

He felt like a bomb had dropped around them, and he found himself shaking his head wordlessly. Everything she said was wrong. She didn't understand it at all. "That's not..." he began. "We were together after that. When you were pregnant. We were really happy together."

Alexis tilted her head to the side. "You're going to count those months when you were pretty much the only company I had? I remember being happy with you, and I think it was true, but the fact that I had literally no one else but you kind of disqualifies that, doesn't it? I was alone, and you were the only person I had. Of course I would try to find any kind of happiness with you. I had no other option." Her voice was kind, but her words gutted him.

He shook his head again, hating how easily she tore apart all the memories that he'd held onto while he'd been away.

"I've had a lot of time to think about this, Kevin," she continued. "And not to disagree with everything you've said, but I'm not a great mother. Not right now. And I've wasted a lot of time pretending to be strong when, if I was really strong, I would have admitted that something was wrong and asked for help. Clearly I haven't been smart, either. I… I'm not the girl you fell in love with all those years ago. And you're not the man I fell in love with, either. We're not those people anymore, Kevin. We haven't been those people for a very long time. And I understand how you must be feeling right now, because I didn't allow myself to get over losing you, either. I just let the hurt and heartache fester until I became obsessed with finding you, with being with you again, no matter the cost. We both fell into that trap. Do you know how much heartache could have been avoided if just one of us had allowed ourselves to move on? We've been lying to ourselves for so long."

"What are you asking for here?" he asked, his voice rough.

"I want to move forward. I want to let go of the anger and the pain and the hurt and start over. And if we're going to do this together, I need to do it without any expectations from you. I just want to focus on Rosie, focus on fixing myself and my relationships with the people I love, and I want to know that how I feel about you isn't based on old memories of the people we used to be. You're Rosie's dad, and you've always going to be part of my life. And if you're going to be in my life, I need a clean slate. I don't want to be chained to the past anymore."

"So, what? You just want to be friends?"

"Co-parents," she said. "And then, yes, maybe we can become friends again."

"And how I feel about you? Does that not carry any weight? Does that not matter?"

She paused, then said, "There's a big part of me that will always love you. But I need to learn how to be that person you fell in love with. I need to be smart and strong and I need to do better for Rosie than I have. That's all I can do right now. And if we're meant to be together… then somewhere along the line, we'll be together. And if not, at least we can be the people Rosie needs us to be. This is the best choice either way."

Disappointed filled the space between breaths, but equal to that gutted and empty feeling was the knowledge that she was right. If they were going to make things work as parents, if they were going to make anything work at all, they needed a clean slate. He swallowed thickly, forcing the words to his mouth. "Okay. I can do that."

"What do you need from me?" she asked.

"For you try," he said simply, still shaken from the bomb she'd dropped on him. "And to be patient with me when I screw up."

A teasing smile pulled at her lips. "No promises on the last one."

Silence settled in, heavy with disappointment, and Alexis looked down at Rosie. "I'd better put her to bed."

Kevin nodded.

She hesitated. "Are you… are you okay?"

"I will be," he assured her.

Kevin remained in the armchair long after Alexis and Rosie had disappeared upstairs, Alexis' words replaying in his head. She was right; he knew she was right. But that didn't soothe the heartache nearly as much as he'd hoped it would.

Sometime before midnight, Kevin ambled up the stairs to his bedroom. He dressed in his pajamas and then curled up in his bed. For a long time, he stared at the patterns on the ceiling, unable to stop thinking about the redhead across the hall.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. It feels so good to get feedback! So this wasn't the happiest of chapters but... I hope you liked it. Please review!

Next time: we catch up with Castle and the gang in Manhattan.


	13. Chapter 13

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Thirteen

"I must have called a thousand times." —Adele, "Hello"

* * *

Alexis woke to her daughter's screams.

"Ma!"

Groggy and panicked, she all but stumbled out of bed, hurrying to the bedroom door. It had been months since she'd been roused to that sound, and her memories paled in comparison to the terrified shrieks, like Rosie's soul was being torn from her body.

"Mama!"

Alexis hurried down the hallway, pushing the door open to Rosie's room. Footsteps thumped behind her, and she turned to see Kevin leaving his room, equally disheveled, wearing nothing but pajama pants. For a split-second, her attention was caught on the tattoo on his chest and the scar that had turned the careful black knot into a torn mess. Sloane's bullet had done that. Exhaustion painted his features, and he seemed to sharpen at seeing her.

"Hey," his voice was rough, "She—"

Rosie shrieked again, hiccuping miserably as she called for her mother. Alexis pushed the door open to find Rosie standing in her crib, her face was a violent shade of red, her tiny frame shook with the force of her sobs. Her hair was plastered to her cheeks with her tears. "Ma!" Rosie shrieked again, sobbing so hard she was almost gagging. "Mama…" she whined, hiccuping to catch her breath.

Alexis' heart snapped in two. She crossed the room in an instant, lifting Rosie out of her crib and into her arms. Alexis held her tight, rocking her and shushing her. What was wrong with her child? "I've got you, sweetheart. Mommy's here," Alexis' voice cracked.

She turned to the doorway, where Kevin watched them with a pained expression. He took a few steps closer, slowly narrowing the space between them.

Rosie's cries softened only a bit, and she buried her face in her mother's neck. Alexis could feel Rosie's tiny heart racing in her chest. Her face was burning hot. Alexis began a differential diagnosis in her head. "Is she sick? Maybe her stomach hurts?" Alexis tried to pass her over to Kevin, and she grabbed tightly onto her, wailing with renewed intensity.

"Nononono!" Rosie shrieked. "Mama! Ma."

He shook his head. "She's not sick. She's just gets this way sometimes. Anxiety, I think."

Realization hit Alexis in the gut. Rosie had glued herself to Alexis' front, holding her nightshirt in a tiny, white-knuckled grip. She looked like her world was being torn asunder. Alexis hugged her back, stroking her hair, and was temporarily lost. How did she fix something like this? And how could Kevin be so casual about it?

"Here," Kevin said, holding out a cool, wet washcloth. Alexis hadn't even noticed him leave the room. Awkwardly holding onto Rosie with one hand, she took the washcloth and began wiping tears and snot from Rosie's cheeks. "Just soothe her. It'll pass."

Again, Alexis was surprised at the evenness in his tone. He didn't seem to be half as panicked about Rosie's behavior. If anything, he just looked sad and very, very tired. "You should get some sleep, I have her," she said quietly.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Go sleep. You look exhausted. I've got her." Self-loathing rose up again. Alexis hadn't slept in two days, but she was determined to see this through. "You've pulled double duty long enough."

With a little more prodding, Kevin left the bedroom, and Alexis spent the better part of the next hour rocking Rosie back to sleep. Kevin's words rang in her head, juxtaposed over the frightened way that Rosie clutched her so closely. Slowly, the little girl fell back to sleep, and Alexis just held for a long time after, inhaling her scent and savoring the weight of her body in her arms. This was what Alexis had been missing; this was what she'd given up. And though Rosie was the last person in the world Alexis had ever wanted to run from, the effect had been the same as if Alexis had willfully abandoned her.

 _Actions have consequences._

Alexis didn't even attempt to go back to sleep. Instead, she exchanged her pajamas for a pair of leggings and a long-sleeved shirt. A quick glance out her window revealed the pre-dawn light slipping over the horizon. She hurried down the stairs to the kitchen, her mind scrambling to deal with the events of the last few hours. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Kevin at the kitchen counter, his hands braced on the countertop, his head hanging down. Anger was all too instinctive around him these days, but there was also something like remorse there. She'd been terribly logical, totally divorced from her emotions when she'd established their boundaries: not lovers, not even friends. And much as she believed all of her rationale, it had felt just a little bit like a lie.

She heard Kevin exhale raggedly, as if he was struggling under a great weight that only he could feel. If things were better between them, she might have crossed the distance between them, wrapped her arms around him from behind, and rested her head in that perfect space between his shoulder blades. She'd done it enough times in the past to know how much comfort he gained from her touch, how much safety she gained from the warmth of his body against hers.

But they had boundaries. Boundaries that she'd carefully set, and non-friends didn't embrace like that.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" she asked quietly.

He started and turned around. She caught him wiping his face, his eyes bloodshot. "You scared me. I thought you'd gone back to sleep."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she repeated.

"What do you mean?"

Alexis stepped into the kitchen, leaning against the table they'd all sat around just a handful of hours earlier. "You don't think I deserved to know that my daughter has developed an anxiety disorder?"

"How was I supposed to tell you what was wrong with her? You were gone. I had no way of contacting you."

Alexis' anger dried up in a heartbeat. "You mean she's been like this…. Ever since I left?"

His sad expression told her everything she needed to know. For a moment, Alexis thought she would be sick. "I… I did this to her."

"I'm sorry I didn't mention it before," Kevin said. "She's been getting better lately, and I didn't see the point of upsetting you when you were trying to get better, too."

"And now I'm making it worse."

He moved from his place at the countertop, standing right in front of her. "Tonight had a lot of big changes, Alexis. It's okay. She'll adjust. You're doing the right thing by letting her be here. And you holding her through it helped a lot, I'm sure." He set a hand on her shoulder. "It's going to be okay."

Alexis didn't have the energy to argue. Exhaustion and self-loathing washed over her, almost knocking her to her knees, and she continued to the kitchen door, reaching for her running shoes.

"You're going out now?"

"I need to clear my head."

"It's barely five in the morning."

She laced her shoes, ignoring him.

"Alexis, wait—"

"I'm coming back, okay?" Alexis shrugged him off and reached for the door.

Kevin's fingers slipped around her wrist, holding her in place with a loose but unbreakable grip. "It's not your fault."

Alexis tried to yank her wrist back. "I didn't say you could touch me."

He didn't let go. "Tell me you understand that."

"Let go of me, Kevin."

"Nobody blames you."

"Stop—"

"You did what you had to do. It's not your fault."

"I said let go!" Panic and anger was spilling into her veins with each heartbeat. She raised her free hand to strike him, and he deftly caught it.

"It's not your fault. Nobody blames you," he repeated, his eyes boring into hers, his tone firm. "Say it."

"Kevin, stop."

"Tell me you know it's not your fault, and I'll let go."

"I…" she swallowed. The lie was far too big to force past her tongue. "Please just let go."

"Say it, Alexis."

"I can't!" She yanked her wrists hard, and he used the momentum to pull her against him. His arms wrapped tightly around her torso, pinning her arms against her sides—a forced embrace.

"It's not your fault," he whispered into her ear. "Nobody blames you." The mantra slipped through her defenses, the sentiment strengthening each time he said it. "It's not your fault," he repeated over and over again.

"O-of course it's my f-fault," she stammered, tears slipping down her cheeks. "I left her. I left everyone. I r-ruined everything."

Kevin pulled back, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "How could you think that?"

A sob bubbled up from her chest. "God, Kevin. She was so afraid. I did that to her. And Dad w-won't talk to me." More tears spilled out of her eyes. Now that her confession had begun, continuing was like drawing poison from a wound. "I broke him, too. And now he's trying to take Rosie from you, and Kate's so angry at him. If he goes through with this, their family will be torn apart… I did all of this! If I had just stayed in New York, none of this would have happened."

Kevin pulled a chair from the kitchen table and guided her to sit down. She didn't fight him, and she didn't push him away when he took the seat next to hers and immediately laced his fingers through hers. "Do you remember what you said to me last night about guilt?"

"I…" she searched through her memory.

"You're carrying much more than your fair share."

"I disagree." She glanced down at their interlaced fingers. One tiny part of her recalled those careful boundaries. But mostly she wanted to hold on tight to that gentle touch, the one thing that seemed to be grounding her when all she wanted to do was run.

"If you hadn't left…" his voice trailed off, and she glanced up at his pained expression. "Kate told me what you said to your dad. How could any of us be better off in that scenario?"

"I should have just stuck it out." Alexis' voice was small. "I shouldn't have abandoned everyone."

"You were sick," he said quietly. "And maybe there could have been different ways to deal with your struggles, but nobody blames you for prioritizing your need to get better." His fingers tightened. "It scares me to death to think of you sticking it out in New York for even a day longer. I…. if anything happened to you…" He drew in a shuddering breath, his eyes shining.

He looked so bereft, so lost and heartbroken that Alexis found herself wanting to reach out to him. Wanting to touch his cheek and let him sink into the comforting gesture the way he had thousands of times before. But some logical side reminded her that she was already breaking those boundaries by allowing him to hold her hand. Did coparents hold hands like this? It had only been a handful of hours since Alexis had laid down those carefully planned guidelines, but already everything was becoming fuzzy.

She didn't know how to offer him the comfort he needed, not when his fear was of losing her to grief, while she'd been living the grief so long she didn't see a way out. And as much as he assured her that their current situation was not her fault, Alexis couldn't bring herself to believe him. Everywhere she looked, she saw the wounds left behind by her absence, still fresh. Looking into Kevin's tear-filled eyes, knowing that he'd had a glimpse into her broken depths, she hated herself all the more.

"Tell me what to do," he whispered. "Tell me how to help you."

She swallowed with some difficulty. "You're already taking care of Rosie. That's the most important part."

He shook his head. "That's not what I'm asking."

"Then I don't know what to tell you," she said. She pulled her hand from his and pulled her knees up against her chest. "What if this wasn't a good idea? What if this is just going to break her heart all over again? I," she paused, "What's the endgame here, Kevin?"

He rubbed at his face. "Ideally, we find a way to be a family again," he caught her expression and his speech sped up, "you know, going back to sharing custody like we did before. And maybe your dad will decide to cancel the suit."

It wasn't much, his expectations. He'd clearly learned a thing or two, or if he hoped for more he wasn't going to confess it to her. Still, those simple ideals held a slew of logistics that Alexis didn't know how to wrap her head around.

"You can't stay here forever," she began. "Do you expect me to come back to New York?"

"When and if you're ready." That answer must not have satisfied him, because he sighed. "I'm trying really hard to not pressure you, Alexis, but I think I am anyway. I should have asked if you were ready to be her mom again, in any capacity, before bombarding you with this whole thing. I'm sorry."

"I love her so much, and this—this is fine, I think." She checked her heart for confirmation. "But it can't last. And… Kevin, I don't want to go back to the life I had before. Truly. Just thinking of going back to my old apartment makes my stomach turn."

"There's no good memories there at all?" he asked.

Alexis frowned. "It was where I stayed during the darkest time in my life. I don't want to go back there. But to afford a new one, I'd have to get a job, and I don't know that I want to go back to the coroner's office either. Plus, if Dad is really cutting me out, then there goes a huge support system. I just… I don't want to go back to what I had before, but I don't even know how to begin to start new. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. I have no roadmap, Kevin. All the things that made me _me_ don't exist anymore…"

A crease appeared between his eyebrows. "What are you afraid of, Alexis?"

She closed her eyes, hating how vulnerable she felt, how much she was opening up still-fresh wounds, and grateful that there was at least one person in the world she could talk to without judgment. Her father wouldn't return her calls, she'd only recently begun to repair her relationship with her grandmother, and Kate was bearing the burden of gluing the broken pieces of their family together. "I don't want to fail," she whispered. "Not again."

Kevin was quiet for a long time, long enough that Alexis felt compelled to open her eyes to assure herself that he was, in fact, still there. He watched her with enough affection to make her panic cease for one blissful moment.

Finally, his tone firm in a way she hadn't heard since the day she'd invited him to Rosie's first birthday, he said, "I want to amend my statement earlier tonight."

"Which one?"

"When I asked you to try and to be patient with me. I have some changes to that."

Her heart began its panicked pitter patter once more. "Okay."

"The first change is that as long as I'm here, as long as we're trying this out, whenever you think of the past and feel sad or anxious or guilty, I want you to tell yourself that it's not your fault. As many times as it takes for those feelings to go away."

Fresh tears burned at the back of her eyes. "And if they don't go away?"

"That's where the second part comes in." He took a breath. "I think it'd help to focus on the present as much as you can. You can't change the past, and worrying about the future is only going to rob you of happiness right now. Honestly, I don't know what's going to happen with your dad, or whether or not you'll be able to come back to New York, or if you even should. I have hopes," he gave her a pained smile, "but I know that nothing is set in stone. Nothing is guaranteed. All you have is right now. You're safe, you're getting better, and Rosie's here. There are good things in this moment, Alexis. Please don't waste them on self loathing."

She nodded, even as a few tears escaped the corners of her eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize." He gave her a gentle smile, reaching out to wipe some stray tears away with his fingertips. Alexis found herself closing her eyes and leaning into the touch, leaning into him, and then—just as quickly as he'd reached out—Kevin stood up, breaking their connection. Alexis' eyes shot open to find him back by the counter, looking out the window. Rain was pitter-pattering on the windowpane, the storm clouds drowning out the early morning light. "You sure you want to run in this?" he asked.

Alexis was taken aback by his sudden change of topic, and for a brief moment she wished he'd come back to that space right across from hers. She looked at his empty seat, then at the rain outside the back door. "I've ran in worse."

"Why don't you go get some sleep?"

"I was going to suggest the same to you."

He shrugged. "Not tired."

That couldn't be true. Long term exhaustion was etched into his face, into the slump of his shoulders. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he nodded. "Go get some rest. I'll wake you up in time to have breakfast with Rosie."

Alexis hesitated again, but Kevin had already turned away from her and was fiddling with the coffee machine. Exhaustion pressed in on her shoulders in the absence of panic. "Okay," she said softly. Then, an impulse occurred to her, and she didn't try to stop herself. Three strides later, her arms were wrapped around Kevin's waist, and her head rested in that coveted place between his shoulder blades. "Thanks, Kevin," she said softly, holding the embrace for perhaps a moment too long. Then she pulled away and a murmured, "you're welcome," fell on her ears as she climbed up the stairs.

* * *

The next time Alexis woke, late morning light was filtering in through her bedroom window, and every so often a squealing noise echoed from outside. She rolled out of bed with a stretch, rubbing her eyes, and walked toward the window.

Rosie and Kevin were out on the beach, the little girl all dressed up in swimwear, her ensemble topped off with a wide-brimmed pink hat. They were building sandcastles, and Rosie seemed to have discovered a fun game of tossing sand at her father. Alexis' heart ached as she watched the two of them play on the beach, and she reached for her cell phone on her bedside table. How many times had she and her own father played on that beach? How many family memories had been etched into the sand?

There was a missed call from Kate, but no response from her dad. She dialed that familiar number again, and once again her heart slumped when she received no answer. "Dad," she said softly into the receiver. She didn't know what to say. _She'd already said it all_ , she thought. She'd made her apologies, her requests. Over and over again, she'd put herself out there, trying to reach him in some way, and over and over he'd ignored it. What was left to say? She hung up the phone.

Self-loathing began to creep in, egged on by her father's rejection. Her memories from that handful of hours earlier offer some measure of comfort. She'd opened up, showed him how weak she truly was, and he didn't hate her. Kevin deserved more credit than she'd given him. His advice rose to the forefront of her mind, but telling herself that it wasn't her fault that her dad wouldn't talk to her felt more than a little false. Alexis was the one who had broken him in the first place.

But her trespasses weren't Kevin's fault, and he and Rosie didn't deserve to pay the price for her mistakes. Again, Alexis asked herself what her dad could possibly be thinking, how he could dare to tear Kevin and Rosie away from each other. She watched the father and daughter on the beach for a little longer, desperation stringing together an idea in her mind. She picked her phone up again, this time dialing Kate's number.

"Is Dad home today?" Alexis asked Kate without preamble.

"He's at his P.I. office."

"For how long?"

"All day, I think. He's pretty much been living there lately," Kate said, a tiny dose of emotion slipping into her voice. "Why do you ask?"

"Because it'll be a lot easier to corner him if I know where he is," Alexis said succinctly.

"Alexis, that might not be a good idea. I want nothing more than for you two to talk, but—"

"I don't care. He has to talk to me, Kate. Enough is enough."

"Good luck getting through to him." Kate sighed. "And don't hesitate to call if you need anything."

Alexis hung up the phone with dread and resolution swirling in her stomach.

It was time to confront her father.

* * *

Author's Note: So sorry for the delay! I hope it was worth the wait. :) Please review!


	14. Chapter 14

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Fourteen

"Let's say all of the things that we couldn't before." —One Republic, "Let's Hurt Tonight"

* * *

"Dad, it's me. Please call me back. I can only imagine how upset you must be, but we need to talk. I know about the subpoena. Call me, dad. Please."

Rick set his phone down on his desk at the PI office, sickness churning in his stomach. Every voicemail, text message, and email was like a knife to his gut. She'd written him a letter, too, and he'd worn the seams thin for all the times he opened and closed the letter, always tucking it away in his pocket.

He picked his phone back up, listened to the voicemail again, and then listened to all the other voicemails she'd left him. His daughter had almost completely filled up the memory on his cell phone. His hand hovered over the call button for a few seconds.

"Hey, you ready?"

Kate stood at the door to his P.I. office, Johanna holding her hand. They were going over to Lanie and Espo's for dinner. Kate's face was blank, and he swallowed thickly. Since sending in the custody papers, he'd been spending a lot more time at his private office. To say he wasn't welcome at home wasn't exactly the right sentiment, but Castle knew how to read between the lines. He stood up, slipped his phone in his pocket, and grabbed his wallet.

"Daddy!" Johanna ran forward, throwing her arms around her father's waist.

"Hey, princess," Castle said to Johanna, scooping her up into his arms, carrying her to the door. "How was school today?"

"Good!" Johanna chirped as he set her down to lock his door. "Look, I lost a tooth!" She showed him a grin, showing off the missing tooth, and she brandished the aforementioned tooth in her palm. She was already losing baby teeth and was about to finish kindergarten. Rick couldn't believe she was growing up so fast. He wished he could keep his little girl little forever.

"Wow, Josie. Looks like the tooth fairy is coming for a visit tonight. Make sure you hold onto that, okay?"

"What do you think the going rate is for the tooth fairy these days?" he said to Kate with a small smile.

"My baby teeth went for a quarter, but that was awhile ago. How much did she bring to Alexis?"

Kate's casual mention of his oldest daughter never failed to hit him somewhere between his heart and his stomach, and these days it seemed like his wife brought up the estranged redhead any chance she could. Rick cleared his throat and said quietly, "We'll have to adjust for inflation." The joke fell flat, even to his own ears. "Are you excited to see Aaron tonight, sweetheart?" he asked Johanna.

The little girl babbled on about the games she wanted to play with Javi and Lanie's son and how her Uncle Javi had promised to play with them the next time they were all together. Johanna single-handedly carried the conversation on the elevator ride down to the ground floor and into the car.

In the car, he took Kate's hand, just as he always did. Surprisingly, she didn't pull away, though her face retained that same blank expression.

"I miss Rosie," Johanna said from the backseat. The comment was without preamble, and Castle involuntarily flexed his hand at his daughter raising the topic that never failed to drive a wedge between him and his wife.

"You'll see her soon," Castle said confidently. He glanced at Kate out of the corner of his eyes, but she hadn't responded to the question. The custody hearing was only a couple weeks away; he'd scheduled it as soon as he possibly could. He knew that it would be a no-brainer to assign custody to him, and he shifted through logistics, ignoring the return of that sick, churning feeling. They'd have to turn the guest room into a nursery, and he'd probably need to cut his hours at the office back for a while, at least until Rosie was settled. Kate refused to talk about these logistics and she wouldn't help him make any plans. In fact, as of their most recent fight, Kate would have nothing to do with him if he went through with the hearing.

"Can we go see Rosie and Alexis at the beach, daddy?" Johanna asked.

Castle frowned, "At the beach?"

"Yeah," she said simply. "I wanna make a sandcastle."

"We're here," Kate announced. As Castle pulled the car into a space in front of the building, Kate turned back to Johanna, engaging their daughter in a conversation about sandcastles and mermaids. The little girl and Kate carried a conversation on the elevator ride up. Something pinged at the edges of his mind, something about Johanna's comment, but he brushed it off as Esposito opened the door, accepting Rick's gift of wine and welcoming the little family inside.

The pleasantries passed easily enough, Kate talking about work and Johanna's impending kindergarten graduation, Rick talking about his latest book and all the married people that wanted to hire him to catch their spouses cheating.

"We've missed you at the precinct," Espo said to Rick. "Could use a few more of your crazy theories around the bullpen."

Rick was grateful to hear Esposito say so, but the smile he gave the man felt thin at best. "Haven't had much for extra cases since—" He stopped. The last case he'd taken on for fun had been just before the holidays. Before Alexis had ran away. He cleared his throat. "It's been a busy few months."

"How's Alexis doing?" Lanie asked. "I was so glad to hear you found her.

"She's doing as well as can be expected," Kate answered for her husband, who couldn't speak over the lump in his throat.

"And she's okay with everything?" The M.E. pressed, concern pinching her brow. "When Javi told me that Ryan taking Rosie to visit... I just hope it doesn't cause Alexis to regress."

A strange ringing echoed in his ears, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kate shake her head at the M.E. "I'm sorry, what?"

Lanie's eyes widened. "Oh, god. I'm sorry. I didn't—"

Fury dropped into the pit of his stomach. "What do you mean Ryan took her?"

"Ryan took Rosie to the Hamptons house," Kate said quietly. "He's staying there with Rosie and Alexis and giving them a chance to reconnect."

"I didn't give him permission to take her out of the city." Rick couldn't believe Kate had allowed that to happen. After everything he'd done to show his family how unacceptable Ryan's presence was in both his daughter's and granddaughter's lives… Panic began to pick up in his belly as old scars opened and old fears came to light.

"Rosie's visiting her mother," Kate clarified. "And I gave him permission."

Silence settled into the room, and Castle looked between his wife and Javi and Lanie. Kate was impassive as ever, though he could tell she was affected by how tightly she gripped the fork in her hand. Javier looked between Rick and Kate with worry, and it appeared that Lanie could see that she'd just made a huge misstep.

"I'm sorry," Lanie said again. "I thought—"

"That my wife keeps me in the loop?" Rick laughed bitterly. "Apparently not so much."

Kate gave him a sharp look, then grabbed his hand, pulling him from the table. "Excuse us for a moment." She pulled him bodily outside, rubbing at her face before setting those determined brown eyes on him.

"They deserve this time together," Kate said, keeping her voice low.

"Why am I the only one who can see how evil that man is?"

"Because he's not. He's trying to keep this family together—"

"I don't want to have this fight with you anymore, Kate," he said wearily, anger still pulsing through his blood. "I'm not changing my mind. You can accept it or not, but the custody hearing is going to happen."

"I don't accept it, Castle. I won't accept it."

"I can see that!" he snapped. "You know, I never thought you were capable of going behind my back like this. How long has he been there? Who else knows about this huge breach of trust?" Rick shook his head, a puzzle piece settling into place. "You told Johanna." The comment about visiting Rosie at the beach suddenly made a terrible sort of sense. "You told our five-year-old daughter before you told me?"

"Martha told her," Kate said wearily.

"So mother knows, too. Excellent. And apparently everyone is totally okay with this? Everyone is okay with sneaking around behind my back and bringing that man back into their lives?" he snarled. "Tell me this, Kate. Did you even for one second try to see this from my point of view?"

"Yes, Castle," she spat. "I've spent a long time trying to see things from your point of view. And I think I do understand now."

"Enlighten me."

"You're angry, and you're hurt. Ryan hurt you. Alexis hurt you even more, I think. And you're so wrapped up in anger and hurt that all you can think about is hurting them back."

Fury boiled inside him. "That's what you think of me?" He shook his head, disbelief and hurt twisting that anger into something dark. The anger was always there these days, just boiling beneath the surface, and his fuse had never been shorter. So he shoved his hands in his pockets, heading to the elevator before he confirmed his wife's assessment. "Enjoy your dinner."

"Where are you going?" Kate called.

He stopped and turned back to his wife. "Does it matter?"

Silence answered back, and Rick allowed that emptiness to hang in the air just long enough for Kate to look ashamed. Then he rounded the corner and left her sight.

* * *

Manhattan wasn't quite as bad as had feared. The streets were oppressive—both in the humidity and sheer number of people milling around her. Alexis counted her breaths on the journey from the bus station. One to ten, then start again. If she was counting, she didn't have time to worry about the people sharing her oxygen, standing too close on the subway, brushing up against her on the street. All those variables that fed her fear. Already she missed the open space of the beach, the crisp Atlantic air.

But counting made it all bearable, because she had to get through it. Going back empty-handed was not an option. Alexis had told Kevin that she'd been called into the diner and had to go work for a few hours. More than once, the confession was on her tongue, but she could never bring herself to tell him what she really planned to do. She couldn't give him false hope. She couldn't let him dissuade her, not when her determination was outpacing her fear for the first time in months.

On her way to her dad's office, she stopped by drugstore to get a photo printed. In it, Rosie and Kevin on the beach, a present-day mirror to the other photo she had tucked in her purse. Alexis steeled herself as she climbed the stairs to her father's office. For a long string of seconds, she stood on the threshold. Lifting her leaden arm, her shaking fingers slowly forming a fist. She knocked on the door to the office, over and over again, until she heard footsteps moving toward her and saw her father's outline through the glass. He opened the door, looking older than she had ever seen him.

"Hi, dad," she whispered.

Rick's eyes widened. "Alexis."

She pushed past him, taking advantage of his shock, and forced her way into his office. He couldn't slam the door on her if she was already in the room. And Alexis was sure that he wouldn't hesitate to do so; he'd been so successfully cutting her out of his life in the past weeks, and the hurt, vulnerable, terrified part of her that was afraid to receive even one more ounce of rejection wouldn't put it past him to avoid her as much as he could, even when she stood at his doorstep.

Alexis looked around his office, noticing the food containers and a rumpled shirt. Kate wasn't joking when she said he'd been living there. "You've been working hard lately, huh?" she asked quietly.

"Something like that," he finally answered after a drawn-out silence. Alexis couldn't quite bring herself to look at him. She remembered with perfect clarity the devastation written across his face the last time they'd talked; she was afraid to see how that pain might have twisted into whatever had been motivating him to cut her out of his life.

"So what brings you back to Manhattan?" he asked, his voice nonchalant.

She picked up a photo on his desk. Her own thin face smiled wanly back at her from the frame, Rosie in her arms and Johanna on her other side. The photo had been taken at the loft the previous summer. Alexis had thought she was strong back then, when the weather was warm and Rosie had been out of the NICU long enough for it to feel like a distant nightmare. But looking at her own face, Alexis could see the fractures beneath the happy facade. She wasn't strong back then; she was a ticking bomb. She set the picture down, clearing the emotion from her throat. "I think you know why I'm here."

Silence answered back, and Alexis realized that she'd have to be the one to initiate this conversation. Her being in the room with him wasn't enough. She turned around, forcing herself to face him. "Dad—"

"You look great," he said, catching her off guard by giving up his silence. "Tan."

A crease appeared between her eyes, and she glanced down at her exposed arms, which bore new freckles from her afternoons spent running in the sun. She didn't tan, exactly, but she appreciated the sentiment all the same. "I've been running," she answered. "It helps," she added awkwardly, a self-effacing smile pulling at her lips.

He nodded, stress sending his eyes pinging all over the office, landing on her, then jumping to the desk, to the pictures on the wall, to the window, then back to her. He shifted awkwardly, then exhaled. "So, let me have it," he said, some firmness entering his expression.

Alexis paused. "What?"

"You're here to change my mind, right? To tell me I'm wrong? Go ahead. Let's get this over with."

Alexis just shook her head, and her insecurities began mounting. He was already shutting her out. "How do you know—"

"Why else would you show up here?"

Tears pricked at the back of her eyes. Frustration and desperation clawed at her chest. "And if I were here to try to change your mind, what would you say?"

"I'd say that you're wasting your time."

"Is that all? That's all you have to say to me?"

"It's the truth."

Anger skipped up her spine, and she held tight to the feeling. "No. There's gotta be more going on in your head than that. Come on, dad. Tell me how you really feel. If I were to show up at your doorstep and tell you you're making a big mistake, what would your answer be?"

Castle squared his shoulders. "I'd strongly recommend that you rethink your definition of 'mistake.' I'd tell you how ashamed I am that you've invited that man back into your life. And I would tell you it's asinine to pretend that you have a say in this when you're the one who abandoned that little girl in the first place."

His words left her gutted, and for a moment Alexis forgot how to breathe. She leaned heavily on the edge of his desk. "You're right about the last one, at least." She swallowed the emotion in her throat. "Do you hate me for leaving her? For leaving both of you?"

If anything, he looked more frustrated by her question. "No."

"Do you hate me for lying to you when I came back to New York?"

"No—"

"What about for not telling you about Kevin? Or not answering your calls after you shipped me off to LA? Do you hate me for that?"

"No, Alexis. I could never hate you."

He was so matter of fact as he delivered the line that she almost believed it. "Then why won't you return my calls? Why won't you talk to me?"

"What do you want me to say?" he asked.

"Anything! Say anything, dad! Say you're mad at me. Tell me I'm a screw up. Say you love—" She stopped herself. "It's okay if you don't have anything nice to say. Just say something."

For a moment, she thought she could glimpse past his defenses, and then he rubbed his face, exhaling raggedly. "This whole heart to heart would feel a lot more genuine if I didn't know that you were only here to make me change my mind. You're not here to work on us—you're here because you want something from me. If I weren't doing this custody thing, would you have come here? Would you have called me so many times?"

"I tried calling you before I knew about the subpoena. You'd already cut me out!"

His mouth twisted, and he turned away from her again. At least he wasn't walking out of the office. At least, even if he couldn't speak to her, even if he couldn't look at her, he was staying.

"Fine, dad. Let's not talk about that. What do you want from me? What do you need for us to be okay again? You say you don't hate me, but you sure don't seem to love me anymore." Her voice shook on the last few words.

He stiffened, but didn't say anything.

"Do you?" she asked again.

"Do I what, Alexis?"

"Love me?"

He turned back around, emotion bright in his eyes for the first time. "How could you ask that?"

"Is it really that difficult to put yourself in my shoes, dad?" she wiped tears from her eyes. "You won't talk to me. Even now that I'm here, you can barely stand looking at me. I-I know I've screwed up, but…" she cleared her throat, trying to remember Kevin's words, to remember that she was worth more than she thought she was and that she deserved to be loved. She almost bit her tongue at the cop out. "It's not my fault, dad." The words rang hollower than ever.

His eyes narrowed. "Then who's fault is it? You're not immune to the consequences of your own actions, Alexis."

"I—I was sick. I needed to get better. I'm trying to get better."

At that, his expression softened just a bit, and Alexis pushed on, hoping to finally break through his walls. "Don't I…. do you really not want me around anymore?"

"You know, I asked myself the same thing when you wouldn't return my calls when you lived in LA. And when I found out you'd been back in New York for months without telling me. And when, after losing my mind over having you taken away from me, you decided to leave again… I know exactly how you're feeling, Alexis. I've been in your shoes, remember?"

Tears streamed down her face in earnest. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want an apology."

"Then what do you want?"

"For you to stop making the same mistake over and over again! Don't you understand? I've watched you lose yourself so many times in the last few years, Alexis. And it never gets any easier! Do you know how much better your life could have been if you would have just listened to me or trusted me at any point along the way? You were a doctor! You were happy! The entire world was at your fingertips. And now you're in pieces! I don't even recognize you anymore. Despite what you all think, I'm not trying to tear this family apart. I'm trying to keep us—keep your little girl—from going through hell all over again."

Realization sucker-punched the air right out of her. "It's not just about Kevin. Is it? You're trying to protect Rosie from me, too."

"How can you keep forgiving him? After everything he's put you through?"

"I haven't forgiven him. Not yet." She wiped tears from her cheeks. "But it's not about me. Or Kevin. Rosie deserves the best kind of family, and for all of his mistakes Kevin is great father."

Castle opened his mouth to argue, but Alexis continued on. "He's a better parent than I am right now. It's just the truth. He loves her more than anything in this world, and she loves him, too. You don't have to forgive him or even like him, but it's not fair to Rosie to take her father away. I…" she looked around the messy office. "I don't know what I would've done without you. And I don't know how to not have you in my life. Please don't put my daughter through that pain, Dad. She won't understand, and she's been through enough already. Please, don't do this."

"So you're choosing him then?"His voice was dark. "You're choosing him over me. Again."

"I'm choosing what's best for my daughter."

He just shook his head. "I think we're done here."

"Dad—"

"Enough, Alexis." He sounded so tired. "I'm done."

She was silent for a long time, letting his words crash around them. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she reached into her bag and pulled out the photo she'd had printed along with the old snapshot she'd yanked out of a picture frame earlier that day. She placed them on the desk. "I thought you might want to see these." She hurried to the door, great heaving sobs threatening to collapse her chest, and stopped for a moment, her fingers curled around the doorknob. "I'm sorry I hurt you..." Words failed her. What was there to say to someone who had so completely lost faith in her?

Alexis numbly moved down the stairs, not stopping until she reached the street and realized she had no idea where to go. Tears blurred her vision, and her heartache was so great she forgot to be afraid.

She let her feet carry her, weaving through crowds, ignoring the strange looks she received from passersby. Her father's words echoed in her head.

Her phone began buzzing inside her purse, and she pulled it out, hoping against hope that her dad had changed his mind about the custody hearing, about her. But it wasn't her dad calling.

"Hi, Kevin."

"Where are you? I've been calling—"

"I-I'm in Manhattan. I came to talk to my dad." A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes. "I'm sorry. I couldn't change his mind. I'm so sorry, Kevin. I thought I could help, but it's no use," she sniffed. "He can barely stand to look at me. He wouldn't listen."

"Hey, it's okay." His voice soothed the raw edges of her psyche. "Can you go to the loft? I'll come get you."

"I'm not welcome there."

"Kate and your grandmother would love to see you, Alexis. Just head to the loft. I'll call Kate and let her know to expect you. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I can take the bus. You don't have to—"

"Let me do this for you. Please."

She nodded, though he couldn't see her. A few final tears slipped out. "Okay."

* * *

Once again, Kevin found himself making coffee just as the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon. He'd slept fitfully all night long, anxiety blooming into his dreams and twisting both his memories and his unrealized fears into a slideshow from which he was all too happy to wake. The rest of the house was quiet, and while the coffee brewed, his bare feet carried him through the house, past the room where Kate and Johanna would be staying for the weekend, past his own bedroom, and stopping just outside Alexis' bedroom. Light from the hallway shone in through the open door, illuminating the redhead and her child, who were fast asleep in bed.

Rosie had woken up again in the night, and rather than attempting to soothe her enough to sleep in her crib, Alexis had merely hugged the little girl in her arms and taken her back to her own bed. Rosie hadn't fussed again that night. Kevin hoped Alexis was getting the rest she needed. When he'd picked her up from the loft the evening before, she'd looked haunted, exhausted on a level he hadn't seen in months. She never should have gone back to Manhattan. It was too much, too soon.

As Kevin gently pulled the bedroom door shut, his ears caught on the sound of a car pulling up the driveway. He hurried downstairs, wondering who would be coming to the house at that hour. When he opened the door, Castle was stepping out of his car, the lines in his face mirroring the grief and exhaustion he'd seen in Alexis.

Castle was pretty damn close to the last person Kevin wanted to see in the early hours of that morning, but the devastation the writer carried with him was all too apparent.

"Good morning," Kevin said.

"Alexis?" Castle asked, his voice catching.

"She's sleeping. If you want to talk to her, you'll have to wait." Some firmness crept into Kevin's voice. "You do know what time it is, right?"

The man just shook his head, looking utterly lost. His clothes were rumpled; he clearly hadn't slept. Kevin wouldn't be surprised if Castle hadn't gone home after his talk with Alexis. Kate certainly wouldn't have been welcoming.

Kevin sighed, reaching down to slip on his shoes. "Give me your keys."

"What?"

"You want some coffee, Castle?"

"No," the man said irritably.

"Well, I want some coffee. I know a place down the road."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"You're not staying here, and you are not fit to drive."

"This is my house—"

"And I'm not going to let you blindside Alexis first thing in the morning. Not after what you said to her yesterday." Kevin stepped into his space and tugged the keys out the writer's hand with little effort. Guilt seemed to be deflating Castle's resolve, which Kevin was both disappointed and grateful for. There was a not-small part of Kevin that wanted to deck the man in front of him. He opened the driver's side door, tipping his head to the passenger side. "Come on, coffee's on me." When Castle still seemed reluctant, Kevin's eyes narrowed. "I've taken down guys much bigger and meaner than you in the last couple years, Castle. You can get in the car willingly, or I'll put you there myself. You're not staying here."

With a string of curses, the writer ambled up to the car, yanking the passenger door open and slamming it shut once he was inside. "You know I hate you, right?"

Kevin adjusted the mirror and pulled onto the road. "Yeah, well, you're not exactly my favorite person right now, either."

* * *

Author's Note: Phew…. Progress? I hope you enjoyed the new installment! Please review!

Thanks so much to Lori, ng22, and Candice for reviewing the last chapter. Are the rest of you still reading? :)


	15. Chapter 15

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Fifteen

"The opposite of love's indifference." —The Lumineers, "Stubborn Love"

* * *

The man sitting across from Kevin had been a close friend, once upon a time. Then, about the same time Kevin had gotten involved with Alexis, that relationship had evolved into something more intimate and infinitely more fragile. Brotherly love wasn't a perfect sentiment for the man who intended to marry your daughter, but Rick Castle had trusted Kevin, had cared about him, and had given Kevin his blessing all the same.

Since the truth had come out, since Castle had linked his long-lost friend—a former juvenile criminal-turned-detective-turned-criminal—to the seven-month disappearance of his daughter, he'd barely been able to conceal his disgust with Kevin. Not that Rick had ever tried very hard to hide his loathing. Kevin had always known where he stood with the writer.

Kevin didn't blame the man. Looking at it from Castle's perspective, being tied to the people who had tried to murder Alexis, then hiding her from her family for months on end with no word to determine whether she was dead or alive, and finally bringing her back emotionally shattered and seven months pregnant… Kevin completely understood why Castle hated him. Just as he knew that it was impossible to expect anything like forgiveness. There was a trail of shattered trust behind him a mile long, and he was no longer good enough to deserve things like forgiveness or a happy ending. But that didn't mean that Kevin wasn't going to fight for Alexis and Rosie's happy ending, even if it meant shaking some sense into Rick Castle with his own hands.

"I'm thinking bacon and eggs," Kevin said conversationally, his eyes skimming over the menu. "You sure you don't want coffee, Castle?"

"How long are you going to try to play this game with me?" The writer asked. "I'm not interested in whatever you have to say."

Kevin checked his phone. "Rosie's probably got another hour or two till she wakes up, and frankly, after yesterday Alexis could use all the sleep she can get. You might as well settle in."

"How is it that you get to be the hero here? How'd you swing that one?"

The waitress came over, and Kevin ordered his breakfast and coffee. Castle declined any food. When the waitress walked away with Kevin's order, he locked eyes with Castle. "I think we both know I'm no hero."

"Understatement of the year—"

"But to answer your question, things started getting better when I stopped trying to make all my hopes and dreams come true and started listening to what other people want."

"How selfless of you." The writer's tone lacked the usual dose of venom. If anything, he just looked incredibly tired.

"Wanna know what changed my mind?"

"I have a feeling you'll tell me whether I want to hear it or not."

"It happened after all those months of wondering and worrying and trying to console Rosie when Alexis was gone. Beckett told me that you two had found Alexis, and that Alexis had told you why she left in the first place. While I had been selfishly trying to skip ahead to the happily ever after, Alexis was drowning. I wasn't there for her in the way she needed me to be." The waitress delivered Kevin's coffee, and he took it with a ghost of a smile. His expression was pained when he turned it back on Castle. "So I stopped worrying about what I wanted, and I started focusing on what I could do for Alexis."

"Well, you're not going to lose her. She chose you over me. She always does." The bitterness began to seep back into his tone. Apparently their conversation was encroaching on sensitive territory.

Kevin shook his head. "You're the one who's asking her to choose. And besides, she didn't choose me. This is about Rosie. She point-blank told me she hasn't forgiven me and that we're nothing but coparents. Me and her . . . that's not on the table. Hell, if it weren't for Rosie, Alexis probably wouldn't be within a hundred feet of me ever again."

"Is that why you did it? You wanted to make sure she was tied down to you?"

The level of evil implicit in that accusation made Kevin's teeth grit together. "I'm not quite that diabolical." He busied himself with taking a sip of his coffee, savoring those extra few seconds that might calm his nerves. "And you know that Rosie wasn't planned. I'm sure Alexis has told you that."

"You'd be surprised at how much she doesn't tell me."

Before he realized it, the bottom of Kevin's mug smacked loudly onto the diner table. "What will it take for you to forgive her?" Kevin snapped. "She's turned herself inside-out trying to make peace with you, and you still won't give her the time of day."

"I don't have to answer to you!"

"No, but you do have to answer to Alexis. She deserves your forgiveness. Do you plan to give it to her, or are you just going to keep pushing her away until she gives up on you for good?"

Castle shook his head, opening his mouth to reply, but the waitress returned with Kevin's food. After she left, Kevin stepped in again. "I know what it's like to lose people, Castle, and to have regrets because of it. And I know how rare and special the relationship you two have is. Don't throw it away. Hate me all you want, hurt me all you want, but you need to forgive her. You need to forgive each other."

The writer shook his head again, his lips thinning, his eyes brightening with emotion. "You raise Rosie alone for a few months and suddenly you're father of the year." Again, his insult lacked conviction. "How do you know your past won't catch up to you again?"

Kevin was surprised at the change of subject, and then he realized that Castle would deflect again and again until he was ready to say whatever he had come to the Hamptons to say. "I don't."

"And you still dare to be around your daughter and everyone else? How can you live with the risk of starting this all over again, only next time with your own daughter?"

Kevin bit hit lip against the instinctive anger. "I know what it's like to lose a child, Castle." The scrambled eggs he'd just shoveled into his mouth suddenly tasted like ash. He forced them down, washing them down with a swig of coffee. "Never for a single day in my life have I forgotten that fact." And it was the truth. No matter where he'd been in his life—a criminal, a detective, or a reforming FBI agent—Kevin thought about Sarah Grace often, daily. Years of distance had taken the sharp edge off his grief, but he would never forget what it was like to hold her in his arms, and he was certain that he would never stop wondering what her life would have been like if she would have lived. She would have been six now. Kevin wondered how much she would have looked like him, and how much she would have looked like Jenny. He wondered if she would have liked having a little sister. So many possibilities had been snuffed out, but the love he had for her remained.

"And you'd risk losing another child?"

"I'm being diligent; I have my eyes and ears open for any kind of dangerous activity, and I have contingency plans. But in the meantime, any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow and it'd all be over either way. I'm not missing out. That is one thing I will not compromise." Kevin took a breath, realizing that now was time for his pitch. Now was the time to plead his case to his captive audience. "I'm sure you don't believe I'm capable of love, but I love my daughter. And I know that she came to us in the worst of circumstances, and I know that she's the product of a lot of grief and some poor choices, and I know that you look at her and see both a legacy of pain and you look at me and see every hurtful thing I've ever done, but I don't care about any of that, Castle. I love her. She is my world. She is the reason I get up and drag myself through the worst of days. And you can bet she's been center stage in every good memory I've made since coming back to New York.

"I know I've fucked up. I know you believe I'm a terrible man. But she's teaching me to be better. And I know I'm a good father to her. It might be the only thing I'm good at… but the point is, I'm going to be in her life. I'll fight tooth and nail if I have to, but I'm not giving her up. I'm not bowing out. Even if this ends in court, with some official decree that shuts me out, you can bet I'll continue to fight it, and I will be there waiting till she's old enough to make that decision herself. I don't expect you to forgive me. Honestly, I wouldn't forgive me either. Hate me all you want, but please, Castle, don't take Rosie from me. I know she's better off with me in her life. Don't hurt her this way."

Castle rested his head in his hands with a heavy sigh; he didn't seem to have anymore anger inside him. "Do you know how many people have been telling me the same thing?"

Kevin held his breath, not daring to hope that Castle would change his mind.

Instead, the writer folded his hands in front of him on the table and cleared his throat. "Alexis asked me if I still love her. My own child. As if it wasn't obvious how important she is to me." He licked his lips. "But it's not obvious, is it? How do you bridge a gap so wide that your own child doesn't know if you love them or not?"

Kevin sighed. The man in front of him was clearly carrying more pain and grief than he knew what to do with. "Why did you decide to follow her back to the Hamptons, Castle?"

Rick reached into his pocket, pulling out two photos. He unfolded the photos and placed them side by side on the table in front of Kevin. On the left, Kevin saw himself and Rosie playing on the beach. He held her in the air, laughing, his grin matching the smile on her face. He hadn't even noticed Alexis taking the picture, and his heart filled his throat for a moment as he took in the beautiful sight. Then his eyes landed on the other photo, a much older one, if the lighting was any indication. A younger Castle was playing sandcastles with a toddler Alexis, the love between them just as palpable as it was between Rosie and Kevin.

"She brought me this," Castle said, his voice rough. "She asked me if I hated her, if I didn't love her anymore, and then she showed me these…." He blinked rapidly. "And as much as I'd like nothing better than to throw you through a window, I'm realizing I don't have a high ground to stand on. Not anymore."

Kevin felt elation, but it was bittersweet. Surely Castle would lay off now. Surely he'd call off the case. And though Kevin had felt nothing but frustration from the man as of late, there was still a part of him—a part that ran deep—that cared about Castle.

"Alexis loves you. She's incredibly sorry for her mistakes, and she knows how much she must have hurt you. She's doing the best she can with all of this. I hope you know that," Kevin said.

"I do know that." Rick's voice cracked. He wiped at his eyes.

Kevin allowed the man a moment of privacy with his emotions and checked his phone. "Rosie should be up soon. I can take you back to the house. Are you sure you don't want anything? You look dead on your feet."

Castle shook his head. "I don't want anything."

"Okay…" Kevin put some cash down on the table. "Castle, I don't think I have to tell you that Alexis isn't feeling great about yesterday—"

"I didn't come here to fight with her again."

Kevin nodded, then cleared his throat. "About the custody hearing…" Castle didn't say anything, his face was still set into that bereft expression, so Kevin took that as his cue to continue. "What can I do to prove to you that what you're doing isn't the answer?"

The writer tapped his fingertips on the table and sighed, "When you're done with your visit, make sure you bring Rosie back to the loft to spend time with the rest of the family. I think we've waited long enough to see her…"

The fear still wouldn't unclench in Kevin's gut. "But—"

"And if you keep bringing her over, Ryan, if you can find it in yourself to keep letting me see her and allow me to be a part of her life, then I can find it in myself to allow you to be the one to tuck her into bed at night."

Kevin froze. Elation rushed through him, and tears filled his eyes. "You-you're calling it off?"

"Everyone's been telling me to give you the benefit of the doubt. . . But Ryan, if you fall back into old habits or put my granddaughter in danger, and I'm yanking her out of your life without a second thought. You got that?"

"Yes, I understand. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Castle nodded wearily. "Will you take me to see my daughter now please?"

Kevin nodded, trying to keep the grin off his face. "Okay. Let's go."

* * *

"Mommy…"

Alexis twitched, her heavy eyelids lifting, squinting against the morning light shining in through her window.

"Mommmm." A tiny hand landed on her face, splitting the difference between a gentle caress and a clumsy slap.

Alexis sat upright, almost knocking over her toddler, who was sitting up in bed, her red hair sticking up on every direction.

Rosie fell over then straightened back up with determination. She babbled something at her mother that Alexis was sure was a reprimand. Alexis picked her phone up off the bedside table, checking the time. It was half-past seven. She easily could have slept for a few more hours, but looking at the expectant toddler next to her, she knew that probably wasn't in the cards.

Alexis smoothed Rosie's hair out of her face. "You want some breakfast, baby girl?"

She offered to carry Rosie, but the little girl preferred to walk, holding onto her mother's hand for support. The two made their way slowly downstairs to the kitchen. A full pot of coffee was already brewed. "Kevin?" Alexis called out to the silent house.

She placed Rosie in her high chair and placed a handful of dry cereal in front of the girl to snack on while Alexis figured out breakfast. "I wonder where you dad is," she said conversationally to Rosie. Maybe Kevin had started some coffee and then decided to go back to sleep.

"Dad," Rosie agreed, pawing at the cereal.

Alexis made herself a cup of coffee and set about making breakfast for herself and her baby, saving some extra for Kevin. It was a soothing morning routine, what with the light flooding in through the windows, Rosie's conversational babble, and the mindless task of making scrambled eggs and toast.

The memories of the day before clung to the edge of her thoughts, but she refused to give them her attention. If this was to be her last chance to spend time with her daughter without her father interfering…. Well then Alexis was going to make sure she kept her focus where it should be. She'd have plenty of time to fall apart when Rosie was gone. The thought made tears prick at her eyes again, and she cleared her throat, shoving the thoughts away into some dark corner of her mind. She was so tired of crying. The dry, burning sensation behind her eyelids agreed with the sentiment.

Alexis plated the eggs and took a seat next to Rosie's high chair. She placed a sippy cup of water in front of the girl. "Want some eggs?"

"Uggs," Rosie smiled and opened wide, bits of cereal sticking to her tongue. Alexis couldn't help but grin. It was bittersweet, seeing her daughter so grown up and knowing that she'd missed out, but she also knew that Rosie deserved to be with a mother who gave her the care she needed. And by the time she'd left, Alexis hadn't been able to care for herself, much less a baby. She felt another spark of gratitude to Kevin for giving her this opportunity.

While Rosie plucked up pieces of scrambled egg, Alexis checked Kevin's room to invite him to join the world of the living. His bed was empty. She looked outside; the car he'd arrived in was still in the driveway. She returned downstairs and looked out the kitchen window. He wasn't out on the beach. A small tendril of anxiety twisted in her gut. She picked up her phone and dialed Kevin's number.

"Good morning, sunshine." Kevin's voice sent a thrill of relief through her.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"On my way back to the house…" he paused, then continued his conversational tone slightly more tense. "I've just been having breakfast with your father."

Instantly, the eggs in Alexis' stomach curdled. "That's not funny."

"It's not a joke. We're on our way back now. He'd like to talk to you."

Alexis didn't know how to respond. All those memories came flooding back, and all she wanted to do was hide. "How…"

"You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. But I think it'll be a better conversation this time."

She shook her head, even though he couldn't see her. Her eyes darted around the kitchen, landing on Rosie, who was scooping scrambled egg into her mouth. "What makes you think that?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Just trust me. He's ready to listen, if you're ready to talk to him again."

"I don't know if I'm ready," she whispered. Whatever Kevin had to say about her father's state of mind, she couldn't handle getting raked through the coals by him again. And how had Kevin and her dad ended up together anyway? How was Kevin able to speak so nonchalantly about it? As if he wasn't with the man who was trying to take his daughter away from him? "Kevin, what are you even doing out with him anyway?"

"I'll explain it all later. We're about three minutes away, just to warn you. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to, but…. I think he'd like see Rosie either way."

Anger was her initial reaction, and she sank into it. It was much better than anything else. It was awful enough that her dad would be taking Rosie from Kevin and acting as her gatekeeper where Alexis was concerned. He couldn't stand to give them just a little bit of time with their daughter? "He has a lot of nerve…"

"He's trying to make things better. Just think about it. We'll be there soon."

Alexis hung up without saying goodbye, knowing that she was a few minutes away from facing her father again. Her stomach twisted with anxiety, and for a moment she thought her breakfast might come back up.

"Mommmm…." Rosie said. "Uggs." She pointed at her empty plate. Alexis was shaken back to the present, and she quickly shoveled some eggs back onto Rosie's plate along with half a piece of toast. Alexis sipped at her coffee, her brain focused on the internal clock that was counting down the seconds until she would see her father again. Over Rosie's babble, she didn't hear the car pull up, and when the front door opened, she jumped in her seat.

Kevin rounded the corner into the kitchen, still dressed in his pajamas. He seemed lighter somehow, and he grinned at her. "Hey."

"Hey," she echoed. Alexis looked around him to the second figure who was walking into the kitchen: her father. Unlike Kevin, he seemed laden down with something heavy, and despite his superior size, he seemed to be hiding behind Kevin, trying to make himself small.

She locked eyes with him, suddenly aware of how unkempt she must look, with her pajamas and bedhead. She should have—

"Papa!" Rosie cried gleefully, her mouth still full of eggs.

Castle smiled at the little girl's name for him but it looked a little thin. "Hi, sweetheart."

Rosie reached her arms up, as if inviting him to lift her out of the chair.

Expectation weighed heavily on her. Kevin watched her expression, and her father looked to her as if asking permission. Her brain helpfully reminded her of the day before, when her father has insisted that she didn't get a say in Rosie's life. She gripped her coffee mug and stood up. "Enjoy your visit," she mumbled and walked passed them, back up the stairs.

Alexis could feel their gazes on her as she left, but she didn't care. She kicked herself for ever believing she could piece her life back together.

* * *

Author's Note: Like father, like daughter...

You guys! The feedback on the last chapter was just phenomenal. Thank you so much the lovely comments. I hope you enjoy the newest installment. :) Please review!


	16. Chapter 16

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Sixteen

"Let me in the walls you've built around." —The Civil Wars, "Dust to Dust"

* * *

Alexis was fuming as she pushed herself through her morning routine. What the hell was Kevin thinking? How could he act like the man who had betrayed them _wasn't_ invading their last attempt at normalcy and happiness? She grabbed some clothes out of her bedroom and headed for the shower, locking the door behind her.

She showered quickly, her anger growing with each passing moment, and pulled her clothes on. Why had her father followed her back to the Hamptons? Hadn't he had enough the day before, or did he have more to unload on her? Somewhere in the back of her mind, in a place that wasn't laden down with hurt and broken trust, she remembered Kevin's assurances that her father wasn't there to hurt her. He was there to talk and be reasonable, Kevin had said. But that was simply impossible, wasn't it? Her hackles were raised, and she was ready for a fight.

She stomped downstairs, her hackles raised, ready for a fight. Kevin was in the kitchen with Rosie, cleaning up after her messy breakfast. "Where is he?" Alexis asked. "Did he leave?"

"He's on the beach." Kevin nodded his head to the window, and sure enough her father was walking down the beach outside. "You know, he really isn't here to continue what happened yesterday."

"Since when are you two best friends? What the hell happened this morning? How did you—"

"He showed up this morning to talk to you. You were still asleep and I thought it best you stay that way for as long as you could, so I diverted him."

Alexis frowned at Kevin. It was like he was speaking a different language. "You diverted him?"

"Yeah. I took him to breakfast. Well, I had breakfast. He just sat there and glowered at me for the most part."

Alexis shook her head. This was too alien, too strange a scenario for her to wrap her mind around. "I don't understand. How do you not have a black eye right now?"

Kevin shrugged. "I think he wanted to give me one. Probably still wants to, but he was surprisingly rational." He licked his lips, an eager, excited grin spreading across his face. "Alexis, he's calling off the custody hearing."

In an instant the fury whirring through her system came to a screeching halt. "What?"

"He and I talked, and he came to the conclusion that this whole custody arrangement isn't good for Rosie. I think he's realizing that some things he's said and done aren't good for you, either." Kevin glanced up at her quickly, testing her reaction.

"I… That's…" She looked out onto the beach. Her father was now standing on the edge of the waves, his hands in his pockets. "What changed his mind?"

"You should ask him."

Her anger had stuttered on Kevin's revelation, but she still mutely walked to the door, following her father's footsteps out onto the beach.

"You called it off," she said when she neared him. "After all this time…"

Castle turned around to face her, his expression grave, and she pushed the question through her lips. "Why?"

His gaze returned to the ocean. "I remember the first time I took you to the beach. You could barely walk on solid ground, much less sand. But you still wanted to explore, so you crawled. You crawled yourself to exhaustion, playing on the beach. You've always loved it here. I should have known this would be your sanctuary." His smile dimmed. "Maybe if I had remembered who you are a little better, I wouldn't have looked for you for so long."

"Dad…" Tears burned in the back of her eyes.

"I do love you, you know. Always have. Always will." He looked at her, frowning. "I'm sorry I made you doubt that for even a second."

"Why didn't you answer?" she asked, her voice cracking. "I called and called…. I wrote. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Because your old man is an idiot," he said with a humorless smile. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I let my own prejudices and baggage get in the way of being a father. I wasn't there when you needed me most…" He sighed, "Kate was right: I've been screwing up at this parenting thing big time."

"Is that why you changed your mind about the custody suit?" Alexis asked, coming to stand next to him.

"I won't lie. I still have a million reservations about Ryan being in your life and your daughter's life, but I also haven't exactly been father or husband of the year lately. You told me he's a good father to Rosie. Lots of people have told me that. But it didn't stick until you showed me those pictures. I saw evidence of the father he is to your daughter right now and evidence of the father that I haven't been to you. I don't have any ground to stand on anymore, Alexis…. I'm not happy with a lot of this, but I know we can make it work. Together."

"Thank you," she said softly.

"I'm so sorry," he said again. "What I said yesterday was completely out of line… I must have hurt you so badly. Do you hate me?"

"No, Dad." She shook her head. "Never. Not even if I tried." She gave him a weak smile and said, "I don't think we could have hurt each other so much over the years if we didn't love each other." The sentiment sounded strange to her ears, but it had a ring of truth. Pain and love were opposite sides of the same coin, and she and her father had been using both sides over the years, holding onto old pain, loving each other in spite of the other's missteps, falling back into the cycle again when things got hard. "Can… Can we just start over?"

A crease appeared between his eyebrows. "Start over? Like we've never met before?"

"Not in that way. But…" She took a breath. "Can we just recognize that we've hurt each other, that we're trying to do better, and just move on? I don't want this hanging between us anymore. Can we forgive each other?"

Her father seemed to consider her request, his eyes scanning over the ocean. "I feel like I'm getting off too easy."

"You could say the same about me," she said. "I haven't exactly made your life a breeze lately."

After another moment, Castle held out his hand. "Deal." She shook it, feeling some of the tension seep out of her frame.

"So how are you, really?" he asked. "I meant it when I said you look good. Better than before."

She folded her arms over her chest. "I am doing better. I'm sleeping, exercising… I have an appetite for the first time in about a year. The distance has helped. I've been seeing a therapist here, too. She's great, and for whatever reason she's been able to help me more than my doctor in the city… Maybe it took getting out of that environment for the advice to stick. I don't know. It was difficult going to Manhattan, though. I thought my heart would explode out of its chest the moment I set foot in the city. I don't know how to fix that. It doesn't seem like it's gotten any better."

"What are you afraid of?" Castle asked.

It was the first time he'd ever asked that question. More often than not, he was careful to not expose the raw edges of her trauma. He didn't talk about it, didn't ask about it. He always made certain that she knew he was there for her, that she _could_ talk to him if she needed to, but he never asked. And it took Alexis a moment to gather her words. "Being taken away. Getting lost in the crowds… There's so many people around, all the time. So many vulnerabilities. I could never keep track of them all. I… I wasn't keeping track the day he took me. It was just another work day… until it wasn't."

"He can't hurt you anymore," Castle said softly. His arm slid around her shoulders, and she leaned into him.

"I never said it was logical."

"And you feel safe out here? Even by yourself?"

She nodded. "It's quieter. And if someone wants to hurt me, at least I can see them coming."

Castle just shook his head. "I had no idea. I'm so sorry—"

"Don't blame yourself. I'm still learning how to talk about it."

He nodded, then looked back towards the house, "And this _arrangement_ …. it's not setting you back? This is something you're comfortable with?"

Alexis considered his question, noting his strange emphasis on "arrangement." There was a worry in there, an unspoken question seven layers deep. "It's not setting me back." Then, because her answer just wasn't enough, wasn't satisfying to her or her father, she added, "Honestly, I'm grateful. It's been a gift to spend time with Rosie here. Kevin's been very patient with me—"

"You don't owe him—" her father began, falling into old habits, old defenses.

"But I owe Rosie." Her voice was firm. "I owe her a hell of a lot more than I've given her. And Kevin's had twice as much responsibility to bear because of my failures. So I'm grateful that he brought her here, and that he's been so kind and patient with me after what I did."

She prepared herself for her father to reply, for his anger to rise, like it always did around Kevin. Instead he nodded. "Okay."

Footsteps crunched on the sand behind him, and Kevin and Rosie approached them, their linked hands offering the toddler some support as she moved clumsily over the sand. "Sorry to interrupt," Kevin said, looking quickly between Alexis and Castle, "But this little one has been begging to see her Papa since she finished breakfast."

Alexis tensed at the sight of Kevin and her dad standing so close, but Castle just grinned and took Rosie's hand. "Did you miss your Papa?"

Rosie laughed, hugging his leg. She plopped down onto her bottom, dumping handfuls of sand onto her grandfather's feet. As the two settled down to play on the beach, she noticed Kevin walking back to the house, allowing the three of them a moment together.

"Just like her mother," Castle said, shaping sand into a tower. "You've got a beach bunny on your hands."

"I certainly do." She smiled, joining her father and daughter to play on the beach. Alexis couldn't remember the last time the three of them had spent time together in such a relaxing way. It had to have been several months, long before she ever left New York. And this moment with two of the most important people in her world, more than anything else, made her feel hope that there would be more play times, more light and happiness, in the future. "I love you, daddy," she said softly.

Castle caught her eye, his expression matching the relief in her own. "I love you too, sweetheart."

* * *

"Say cheese!"

Rosie's smile turned into a grimace as she dutifully showed as many teeth as possible to the camera. Alexis' smile, by contrast, was much more subdued, showing no teeth at all. Still, the redheads looked like two peas in a pod as they smiled for picture after picture.

"My face is starting to hurt," Alexis muttered.

"Just means you should smile more." Kevin winked at her, and she rolled her eyes.

Without the threat of the custody hearing hanging over their heads, some semblance of peace had settled, and they'd enjoyed a quiet evening at the house after Castle had returned to Manhattan. The writer was ready to eat crow, and after spending time with Alexis he'd set off to go make things right with his wife.

While at the market the next morning, Kevin had noticed a flyer for small carnival and petting zoo, and had suggested to Alexis that they take Rosie. The girl was a little young for most of the attractions, but Rosie loved the petting zoo, and Kevin had just about filled his phone with pictures of the toddler petting baby goats and chasing after chickens. All in all, it had been a great way to spend their afternoon. Though she was quiet, and perhaps a little on-edge around the crowds, Alexis seemed happy. A weight had been lifted off her shoulders since she'd made up with her father, and in the twenty-four hours since Castle had left, Alexis had already talked to him on the phone as well as Kate, Johanna and her grandmother. Kevin knew how important it was to her that she could keep in contact with her family, especially after all the months of radio silence.

"Do you want to get in the picture?" An older woman passing by asked him.

"Um, sure," he responded. He looked to Alexis for confirmation. He liked taking pictures of the two of them, but that didn't mean that Alexis was looking for a family portrait.

Alexis nodded and waved him over. "Hurry, before my face freezes up."

Kevin handed his phone to the woman and join Alexis and Rosie at the fenceline. It felt all too easy, all too natural, to slide his arm around Alexis and lean in. Rosie wiggled in her mother's arms, tired of taking so many pictures. Still, they made it through a few shots and the woman smiled at the three of them as she handed Kevin's phone back to him.

"You are just the cutest little family I've ever seen," she informed them.

"Thank you," Kevin said, his answering smile feeling a little tense. When he glanced over at Alexis to see her reaction, her smile had disappeared and her cheeks looked a little red. Her facade was back in place, and he didn't know whether she was upset or blushing. He hoped it was the latter.

Their trip to the carnival felt like a family outing he'd always wanted. Still, it was a little jarring to Kevin to know that he was spending quality time with the mother of his child, and he wasn't able to treat her the way he wanted to. More than once, Kevin had to stop himself from taking her hand, sliding his arms around her, or pressing a kiss to her face. It was difficult to navigate that kind of situation within the boundaries Alexis had established, and he consoled himself by snapping every picture of Alexis and Rosie he could.

The candid photos were the best, in Kevin's opinion. Alexis' facade only ever came down in those hidden moments with her daughter, when she wasn't keeping up a mask to hide her emotions. In those moments, Kevin felt he was truly seeing the woman he'd fallen in love with, and it comforted him to know that she was still in there, and that their daughter got to experience Alexis' true nature, even if nobody else was able to see it.

"What's next?" he asked. Rosie wiggled out of Alexis' arms, determined to walk, however clumsily, on her own two feet, pulling her mother towards a nearby play area.

"I'd love some water," Alexis answered. "Do you mind braving the line?"

He shook his head, all too eager to give her anything she asked for. "Not at all. Looks like Rosie's ready to play some more, anyway."

Alexis smiled gratefully, letting their toddler lead the way, and Kevin steeled himself for the bloated concessions line. He could just make out the two redheads at the play area from his spot at the end of the line: Rosie was climbing up and down the stairs to the jungle gym with all the grace of a newborn foal, and Alexis stood close by to catch her when she stumbled. He smiled at the sight.

Kevin paid for the bottled water, glad to have survived the long line and followed Alexis' path to the playground. Rosie was now underneath the jungle gym, playing with one of the spinning wall pieces, and Alexis stood a couple feet away from the child, apparently in any uncomfortable conversation with a large man. Her body language showed self-defensiveness, her arms were folded over her chest; her shoulders hunched forward a bit like she was trying to make herself small. Alexis shook her head at something the man said and turned away from him, but he took her by the arm, turning her back to face him, saying something to her that Kevin couldn't hear. Kevin watched the blood drain from Alexis' face, and for a moment, he saw nothing but red.

He hurried to break it up, a snarl rising in his chest. Alexis' eyes darted over to him, and she stepped back, away from him. "Hey," he said to her, his words sounding more like a bark than anything.

The man let go of her arm at Kevin's arrival. "Here's your water, _sweetheart_." He added emphasis to the pet name, holding out the water bottle. Alexis took it, stepping back a couple paces to put space between herself and both men.

"Thanks," she mumbled, turning to focus on Rosie.

"Hey," the man said, reaching for her arm again and ignoring Kevin completely. "We were just getting to know each other, baby." The man's words seemed to tear something open inside of her, and Kevin stepped in front of her, getting up in the man's face.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kevin snarled.

"Who are you?" the man asked, looking frustrated.

"That's none of your concern."

A scowl appeared on the man's face. "Well, I don't see a ring—"

With barely restrained fury, Kevin grabbed the collar of the man's shirt, yanking him forward though he was both taller and bulkier than Kevin himself. "Walk away."

The man shrugged him off, straightening his shirt. "You've got a lot of nerve—"

"Walk away. Now," Kevin repeated, his voice dropping low, tapping into some deadly, animalistic instinct that he hadn't felt in months. "Or you might not walk ever again."

Kevin's threat must have sounded sincere, because the man backed up, muttering things like "crazy," and disappeared into the crowd. When he turned back around, Alexis' face was pale, and she stared him like he was a rabid animal.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stepping toward her touching her shoulders, her arms, physically determining whether or not she was alright.

She flinched back from his touch. "I-I'm fine."

"What did he want?" Kevin demanded.

"Just my number or something. I don't know. He couldn't really take a hint." She was moving back to Rosie, trying to hide how much her hands were shaking.

"Hey—" He reached for her again. The urge to comfort her was overwhelming.

"No," she said sharply, holding her hands up in front of her. "I'm fine."

His eyes narrowed. Just like that, she was the same pale, drawn woman he'd met after returning to New York. "Like hell you are."

"Forget it, Kevin. Let's just enjoy the day, okay?" She returned to Rosie's side before he could reply, and Kevin watched them for a moment, wondering why in the world he felt like the bad guy.

* * *

Kevin woke some hours later on the couch back at the Hamptons House. After arriving back at home, it had taken almost no time at all for him to curl up on the couch with a drowsing Rosie and fall asleep.

The house was quiet,; Rosie was still out cold on his chest. He took a moment to stretch and breathe the moment in. Now that the custody hearing wasn't hanging over him like a death sentence, now that every moment with his daughter didn't feel like it would be his last, he could actually enjoy the moment and let a sense of peace wash over him. It didn't mean that everything was fixed, that the happy ending he'd always wanted had finally arrived giftwrapped to him, but this was progress. This was a step in the right direction, and, more than anything else, it gave him hope that the happily ever after he'd been dreaming of wasn't so impossible after all.

He slowly sat up, cradling Rosie in his arms and laying her back on the couch with a blanket draped over her. He stood and stretched, allowing his joints to pop.

"Alexis?" he called out into the silent house. There was no reply. Had she been enjoying a nap too? She'd been tense and a little withdrawn with him since he'd told off the man at the carnival. Was she mad at him? He hadn't liked it at all when she'd turned those large, fearful eyes on him. She didn't have to be afraid of him—or angry with him, for that matter. He was her protector; he'd never hurt her.

Alexis came in through the back door, sweat shining on her face. Kevin was momentarily taken aback by the brightness in her eyes, the color in her cheeks. She looked more alive than he'd seen her in a long time. He also couldn't help but notice the trim, toned lines of her body beneath the sweaty tank top and running shorts.

"Hey," she said, a little breathless.

He quickly averted his eyes, hoping she hadn't noticed him checking her out. "Hey. Good run? You were gone for a while."

She shrugged, stalking to the sink and filling a glass full of water. "It was fine. I think you're trying to fatten me up with all these delicious meals you're cooking. Today was one of my slower times."

Kevin resisted the urge to laugh. She looked gorgeous, healthy, and glowing. He wouldn't apologize if the extra calories he'd been adding to her meals had helped with that.

"Maybe I'll have to race you one of these days. I used to run every day, you know."

"Is that so?" A small smile tugged at her lips. "Was that before or after you started smoking?"

"Both." He rubbed at the back of his neck. "And I quit smoking when Rosie came to live with me."

"Good," she said shortly. "Either way, I have a feeling I'd win that race."

"Maybe. Won't know till you try." Kevin liked the playful exchange. Whatever strange mood she'd fallen into earlier, she seemed to be totally content now. Maybe he had the exercise endorphins to thank. "How about when your family comes up this weekend? Winning's always better with an audience."

"Deal." She finished her water and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Think about what you want for dinner. It's my turn to cook."

"So the choices are spaghetti, eggs, or… what? Coffee?" he teased.

Alexis rolled her eyes, already halfway up the stairs. "Prepare to be amazed, Ryan."

* * *

"Who taught you to peel back film like that?"

Alexis nudged him with her shoulder and pulled off the oven mitts. "Enough commentary from the peanut gallery."

In a display of amazing culinary talent, the redhead had pulled some pot pies out of the freezer for the two of them. Rosie was already tucked in her high chair, happily feeding herself noodles and vegetables as Kevin dolled them out.

"Besides," Alexis continued, "when my family gets here tomorrow night, I'm leaving all the cooking to you. I couldn't live with myself if I accidentally gave them food poisoning or something."

"Ouch," Kevin said. "So I'm your guinea pig now?"

"Something like that."

"That actually brings up something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Now that the custody hearing is off, I'll need to get back to work pretty soon."

"How soon?" she asked, leaning against the countertop.

"First of next week, probably."

"And you're taking Rosie with you." It wasn't a question.

"I'd like to. And I think it's the most logical thing to do. Her support system is in Manhattan, her home is in Manhattan."

"You don't trust me to take care of her on my own?"

He shook his head. "It's not that. It's just that you're all alone out here. You don't have any help. Who will take care of Rosie when you go to the diner? Or when you need to go to therapy, or even just go for a run? In Manhattan, Rosie has her family, her babysitter, her routine. It's not fair to either one of you to change that arrangement."

"And when you take her back… will her anxiety start up all over again? She actually slept through the night last night and—"

Kevin took a breath. "That's why I'm hoping you'll come with me."

Her eyes widened. "Back to Manhattan?"

He nodded, then seeing her distress, the words started spilling from his mouth. "I know it's a lot to ask, but your family's there. Rosie's there. Those pieces of your life are in Manhattan, not here. You can start fresh, you can be with Rosie, you can really mend fences with your dad. All of that will be so much easier if you're not all the way out here, isolated."

"Kevin, I don't know if I can. Just the thought of going back to that apartment…"

"So don't go back there. You can stay with me. I have a spare bed in the nursery. You can stay there as long as you need to, as long as it takes for you to get comfortable and get back on your feet. You can see Rosie every day and I wouldn't ask you for rent or anything—"

"You're asking me to live with you? To stay in your apartment?"

"I'm telling you that option is available. If you want it."

"Do I get to come and go this time?" she asked, some venom slipping into her voice.

Her words were a punch to the gut, but it was no less than he deserved. "Of course you do." He rubbed the back of his neck, "And if it's too much to stay with me, I'm sure your dad would love to see more of you. He'd make room."

She just shook her head.

"And it's okay if you're not ready. Don't push yourself beyond what you can do. I just know Rosie would love to have you around. We all would love to have you around."

Her defenses were back up; she wouldn't meet his eyes, and she seemed like her brain was processing so fast she wasn't seeing the world in front of her anyway. "I'll think about it."

"Okay," he said, forcing a smile.

She busied herself with setting the table, and Kevin took a seat in front of Rosie, allowing Alexis the space she needed to mull thing over. He'd dropped another bomb on her, and he was surprised when she took a seat next to him just a few minutes later.

"Kevin," she said softly. "Can I ask you something?"

"You just did."

"Did you… while you were gone, did you ever think of me and Rosie?"

Kevin paused for a moment, a bit surprised that she'd asked him that. He'd thought the answer was obvious. "Every day. Every moment that I didn't have to put all of my effort into passing for a bad guy. And even then, I thought of you two. I couldn't wait to see you again, and I was very aware of every moment I was missing with Rosie. Moments I couldn't get back." He forced a smile to his face, despite the melancholy. "Thinking of the two of you was the only thing that got me through all those months."

Alexis answered his smile with one of her own, but she seemed more thoughtful than cheerful. "Do you think about all those months you spent undercover very often?"

"Not if I can avoid it. I did what I had to, and, well, it's something I'd really like to leave in the past. There's not any good memories there."

"What was it like?"

"Being undercover?"

She shook her head. "Pretending to be like…" she faltered for a moment, then seemed to find her footing. "Like your grandfather."

He wondered for a moment if she was struggling with Sloane's name. They hadn't spoken about him together since the night Rosie was born, but Kevin knew all too well that those wounds had lasted long after their conversation. "Well, at the end of every day I felt like I needed a shower, if you know what I mean. Why do you ask?"

"I remember what it was like when you were pretending," she said, and he felt guilt slip down his spine. He'd been so careful to protect her from his world, but there had been a few instances in which she'd seen his darker persona, and he hadn't been kind to her in any of them. "You were very convincing."

"I had to be convincing if I wanted to stay alive. If I wanted to keep you alive." He almost sounded defensive, and he rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't get to defend himself to her.

"The night you came back to Manhattan… when I saw you for first time in so long. I think I saw the other you. The one you used to pass in the syndicate."

"I'm so sorry, Alexis. I would never in a million years frighten you on purpose."

"I saw him when I brought your invitation to Rosie's birthday party," she continued. "And I saw him again today, my personal attack dog."

"Where are you going with this?"

"I just… He's still in there somewhere, isn't he?" She touched his chest.

Kevin caught her hand before she could pull it back, and he considered her question. The answer was yes. That ugly, dark piece of him was still in there. It haunted his nightmares, it whispered things to him in the worst of moments, justified all kind of selfish measures… but Kevin kept it under lock and key. It was an insurance policy, a safety measure, a part of himself that could do what the rest of him couldn't. And since joining the FBI and coming back to Manhattan, he hadn't needed that piece. He had been desperately trying to separate himself from that piece. "You don't need to be afraid of me, Alexis."

"If I come back to Manhattan, I don't want to bring out that side of you again. I don't want you to feel like I'm your responsibility or like you need to save me from one thing or another."

He shook his head. "You were terrified. Alexis, I'm not going to apologize for stepping in and keeping that guy from scaring the hell out of you."

"But did you need to scare the hell out of him, too? You weren't yourself. You were frightening. And I don't want to see that side again. That was the side that… that pretended it was okay to act like he owned me. That was the side that kept me locked up for all that time."

Kevin shook his head. "I don't think it's that cut and dry."

"Kevin—"

"You matter to me," he said sharply. "You have always mattered to me. And I'm always going to protect you, Alexis. No matter what it costs."

A crease appeared between her eyebrows. "Are you kidding me? Kevin, that's how we ended up in this shitshow in the first place. You realize that, right?"

It was so easy to feel guilt for what he'd done, for the freedom he took from her and the seemingly callous way he treated her in the name of protection. Kevin would gladly rake himself through the coals for that over and over again. He agreed that he'd done a terrible thing by locking her away from her world, by allowing her to enter his dark, twisted world at all. And though he logically understood where Alexis was coming from, it was hardwired into him, etched inside his heart that she was his to protect. His to care for. His. And he couldn't just turn that off like a light switch; he didn't want to. He'd left her unprotected once, and he'd lost everything. She'd almost lost her life. It would never fucking happen again.

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Why are you so upset about this? That guy was clearly out line, you were clearly scared to death… what was I supposed to do? I thought that was a no-brainer."

"You're not my boyfriend, Kevin. It's not your place to be trying to save me from everything that goes bump in the night."

"You're Rosie's mom. Of course I'm going to care about your well being; of course I'm going to want to protect you and help you."

"I live alone. I work at a diner where assholes think they can flirt and make inappropriate comments, and I run alone almost every day. I know how to protect myself, Kevin. It might not always be easy for me to do it. And yes, I was scared, and that guy brought up things I wasn't prepared to think about, but that doesn't make what you did okay."

"I was helping—"

"Since when has your protection ever worked out for me?" she asked humorlessly.

Her words left him speechless, smothering under the weight of his many failures. Her expression softened and she squeezed his hand. "Kevin, I'm not going to get better if you try to fight every battle for me."

He nodded, pulling her hand up to his mouth and pressing a kiss against her knuckles. To his relief, she didn't shy away. "I'm sorry," he said. "You're right. I'll back off." He considered something for a moment, then added, "Alexis, when can I step in? When I am allowed to be there for you?"

"When I ask for it," she said simply.

"And if you never ask?"

"Then it's not your problem to fix."

He shook his head. "I can't accept that."

"Learn to accept it." She stood up, heading back to the stove, and he followed right behind her.

"You know I love you—" he began.

Alexis physically stepped back, putting space between them. "I'm going to stop you right there. I'm not ready, okay? God, Kevin. You've been here for three days…"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. You just seem… happy," he said by way of explanation.

Her frustrated seemed to deflate, and she sighed. "I _am_ happy."

"That's good."

"And for the record, you matter to me, too."

"Thank you," he said. It soothed his frustration to hear her admit that much.

"But the rules haven't changed. I need time, Kevin. I have a lot to figure out, and while I'm doing all of that, I need to know that you won't keep trying to fight my battles for me."

What she was asking him went against every natural inclination, but he forced himself to nod. "Okay," he said. "I'll promise you time, space, whatever you need, but you have to promise that you'll ask when you need it. Can you do that?"

She nodded. "I promise."

After laying down the law so firmly, he expected her to keep that cool distance, to take two steps back for every forward step they'd made. Instead, Alexis closed the space between them, wrapping her arms around his waist. Her head rested on his chest, and he immediately returned the embrace, breathing in the scent of her shampoo.

"If I come back to Manhattan," Alexis said softly, "this is the way it has to be."

* * *

Author's Note: A nice long one! You're welcome. ;) I hope you enjoyed the newest installment. I'd love to hear what you think. Please please please review!


	17. Chapter 17

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Seventeen

"My heart grows a little warmer." —Susie Suh, "Seasons Change"

* * *

"Good morning, beautiful."

Alexis twitched slightly, the voice in the room rousing her from her deep and dreamless sleep. She didn't know if it was the emotional and mental safety she'd found in the Hamptons house, the salty, crisp scent of the sea air, or the sounds of the waves rolling in on the shore through her open window, but she'd been sleeping better in her months at the vacation house than she had in years.

A new scent slipping into her awareness, and she blearily lifted her eyelids to find Kevin standing next to her bed, holding a tray in his hands.

"Sorry to barge in. I tried knocking."

"Is that coffee?" Alexis asked, her voice rough with sleep.

"Among other things." He gave her a sheepish grin, and she sat up, reclining against her pillows to receive his offering.

"Oh, wow." Her eyes widened and her mouth watered as he set the tray in her lap. There was coffee with peppermint creamer—just how she liked it—next to a large, overfilled plate with bacon and what looked like a spinach and cheese omelet and a side of strawberries. "What's this for?"

Kevin perched himself on the edge of her bed, keeping a fair amount of distance between them. "After how hard you've been working to get the house ready for your family, I thought you might enjoy a more slow-paced morning."

"That's really thoughtful, Kevin. Thank you." She took a sip of coffee, her toes almost curling in delight.

"You're welcome."

She dug into her breakfast, noting that Kevin was standing, clearly planning to leave her to have her breakfast in peace. "You should get a fork," she said. "I can't eat this all myself."

"Oh, okay." He seemed surprised by her offer.

"Unless you've already had breakfast?" Heat began to crawl up her neck. Maybe he didn't want to have breakfast with her? Had she misread his kindness? "You don't have to—"

"I'd love to," he amended with a smile. Relief flooded through her, though she could still feel the blush in her face. A minute or two later, Kevin returned to her bedside with fork in hand. He took up his former seat, and Alexis was for some reason acutely aware of the distance in that arrangement, of the way he seemed to be carefully avoiding touching her. Something like disappointment curled in her chest at the observation, and she suppressed the desire to scoot closer to him. She cleared her throat, looking down at her plate. "Is Rosie still asleep?"

"For now. She's gotta wake up soon, though. She slept through the night without a peep."

Alexis nodded. "It was nice."

"I actually woke up in a panic this morning," Kevin admitted. "It's been awhile since she's slept this long. I had to make sure she was still breathing." She noticed a faint pink hue in his cheeks as he said this, and she realized how frightening it would have been for him to wake up without any interruptions from Rosie. After all, that was how he and Jenny had found out Sarah Grace had passed away in her sleep: Jenny had discovered the infant wasn't breathing after their first long, restful night in a long time.

Alexis set down her fork and squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry for that."

His thumb traced over her knuckles once and then let go.. "Don't be. I know Rosie's not in any danger. Well," he conceded, "I know that logically. It just never really goes away, you know?"

"She's lucky to have you."

He shook his head. "I'm the lucky one… So what time is the gang getting here?"

Alexis swallowed a bite of omelet, a bit surprised at the subject change. "This afternoon, sometime. Enjoy the quiet while you can." She forced a smile. After making up with her dad, he'd suggested bringing Kate, Martha, and Johanna down to the house for a beach weekend, and Alexis had spent much of her free time the day before trying to get the house ready for so many additional guests. Kevin had helped, too, mostly by keeping Rosie occupied. There was still tension there from their heated discussion, from the fundamental disagreement about Kevin's protective behavior and his offer to let her stay with him in Manhattan.

Alexis still didn't know what to make of his offer, but she hated to ask him to deny such a basic part of his personality. He'd considered himself her protector for so long, and, if she was being honest, Alexis had been nothing but relieved when Kevin had stepped in the day before. Strange men still put her on edge, especially when Rosie was with her. There were too many horrifying memories wrapped in that combination of fear for herself and protectiveness for her daughter. But Kevin couldn't always be there to scare people away. Sooner or later, she'd have to learn to stand on her own two feet, whether Rosie was with her or not.

And she hadn't been lying when she'd told Kevin that his protective side frightened her. When he put on that face, there was something in his demeanor that chilled her to the bone. She knew what that version of Kevin was capable of.. The Kevin who scared away monsters was just short of being a monster himself, but the man who made omelets and single-handedly raised their daughter when Alexis had lost her mind, and had never once judged her…. That was the Kevin she wanted to see more of. The only Kevin she ever wanted to see again.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

Alexis blinked, caught up in her own thoughts about the man in front of her. "Huh?"

"Are you nervous about seeing your family?"

"A bit. It's been a long time since we've tried to do anything fun together. And I don't think they've fully gotten past me leaving."

Kevin nodded. "That could take some time."

Alexis sighed. "Yeah, I think it will."

"You know they love you, right? All of this tension and heartache… it's because they love you."

"I know. And I can't decide if that makes things easier or harder. I've put them through hell, and all they've ever done is love me."

"They'll forgive you. They've probably forgiven you already."

"We'll see about that." She shrugged. "Are you… are you going to be comfortable with everyone here this weekend? I mean, I know things aren't tense for just me…."

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. I'm just grateful your dad changed his mind." He smiled again, but it looked a little forced. "The rest is gravy."

"Beckett's on your side," she reminded him.

"Yes, she is."

She reached out again, stopping just short of his fingers. "I'm on your side," she said quietly. She blushed, not quite able to meet his eyes. "You know that, right?"

He crossed the distance between their hands, letting his fingertips caress her knuckles, his thumb exploring the lines on her palm. "Like I said, I'm the lucky one." She lifted her eyes to meet his gaze. He wasn't smiling anymore, but there was something soft in his expression that made her heart flip flop.

Heat rushed back into her face, and she looked away. Her gaze felt on his lips. "You have some strawberry juice…" She smiled, leaning close and wiping at the corner of his mouth with her fingertips.

"Alexis," he breathed, his voice vibrating with a quiet urgency.

Her eyes met his once more, and for a moment she forgot how to breathe. Kevin's expression bordered on desperate, that softness giving way to hunger, heavy with longing. Her heart racing, she allowed her fingertips to trail over the stubble on his jaw, mesmerized by the rough sensation against the pads of her fingers and the way his pupils slowly dilated. He didn't move closer; the hand resting on top of hers was still, passive. She was in control.

It had been over a year and half since she'd kissed him, she realized. Alexis dimly recalled kissing Greg on New Year's Eve in a shallow attempt to hide from her demons. But she hadn't felt that warmth with Greg.

She remembered how Sloane had kissed her. It was more of a violation—the way his lips had smothered hers, bruising in their force, his teeth nipping into her abused flesh with enough ferocity that blood blossomed in their wake. He'd hurt her more than once for not returning his kisses, for remaining still and unmoving beneath his assault.

The recollection dampened the spark inside her, and it was only the memory of Kevin's lips moving against hers, gentle and coaxing and intoxicating, that made her not lose her nerve entirely. Gentle fingertips traced over her jaw, the heat of Kevin's skin thawing the ice left behind. Alexis leaned into the touch, leaned even closer to Kevin, soaking up the affectionate gesture, the warmth, the _safety_ she found in this moment with him.

She missed being kissed, she realized. Whether or not she was ready for any kind of commitment, she did miss that simple gesture of affection that carried so much weight with it. Alexis rested her forehead against his, the tip of her nose brushing against his cheek, and she felt his fingers circle her wrist as if he was grappling for something to steady him. His breath washed over her, smelling of coffee and strawberries. Her heart sprinted inside her ribcage, but she couldn't pull herself away. Gratitude and relief brought tears to the corners of her eyes. It had been so long since she'd felt safe enough to want this.

"I'm getting better," she whispered to him, smiling even as a tear slid down her cheek.

Her admission seemed to break whatever force had been holding him in place, and he cupped her face in his hands. His thumb brushed over her cheekbone, where the tear had fallen. "I knew you would." He smiled. "You're amazing."

His unyielding faith in her sent fresh tears down her cheeks. Alexis angled her head, the tip of his nose brushed against her cheekbone, and her world slowed as her lips ghosted against his in a barely-there touch.

"Mama!" Rosie's cry echoed through the quiet house. "Da!"

Kevin froze, pulling back far enough that she couldn't attempt a proper kiss. He laughed softly at their interruption, and his head fell forward onto her shoulder.

"Great timing," he muttered. Ignoring her mouth entirely, he kissed Alexis' forehead. "Sounds like Sleeping Beauty is finally awake. I'll go get her. You should finish your breakfast."

"O-okay," Alexis said softly. Kevin look regretful, though his smile seemed genuine, and he padded out of the bedroom. As soon as he left the room, Alexis let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

Rosie's timing couldn't have been better.

* * *

"How are things at home?" Kevin asked.

The house was spotless, the kitchen was stocked, the bedrooms were prepared, and their guests had arrived and settled in. Now there was nothing to do but eat and play and lounge. Alexis, Rosie, and Johanna were sprawled out on the beach, making a "sand fortress." Rosie seemed to be part ocean creature and was all too happy to spend every single day playing on the beach. Kevin hoped that Manhattan would offer enough diversions for his daughter when he brought her back.

Kate looked out to where her daughters and granddaughter were playing. "Considerably better. I always knew Castle would come to his senses. I just thought it would happen sooner." She smiled at Kevin. "I'm really glad you and Alexis were able to get through to him."

He shrugged. "It was Alexis' doing."

"Well, whoever's responsible, it's really nice to have my husband back. It feels like I can hope again."

"The lady requested a beer," Castle said, coming out onto the deck with three bottles held together in his hands. He offered the bottles to Kate, who took one and kissed his cheek in thanks.

"Ryan?" Castle asked gruffly, holding out a beer.

"Oh. Sure. Thanks, Castle," Kevin said, surprised the man was even acknowledging him, much less offering a cold beverage. As he let the cold beer slide down his throat, Kevin found himself secretly relieved that there was a Beckett buffer between himself and Castle. Though the custody hearing was off, Kevin still expected the worst. To his surprise, Castle had been cordial, even somewhat grateful... begrudgingly, of course. Kevin knew he was still far from the writer's top ten favorites, but it did feel nice to be treated like a human being.

"I've been told to be on my best behavior," the writer informed him, taking a seat on the opposite side of his wife. He watched his family play on the beach with a smile. "They look like they could use a fourth set of hands."

His wife took his hand in hers. "Just sit for a minute, Castle. Let the girls have some quality time."

"They can have still have quality time. I'll just be having it with them."

"You've been glued to Alexis' side since you walked in the door," Kate reminded him. "Give her room to breathe."

Castle settled into his seat with a sigh. "Fine." Still full of pent-up energy, he turned to Kevin. "Alexis tells me you're going back to Manhattan?"

"Monday or Tuesday. I don't exactly have a lot of vacation built up," Kevin said lamely, trying to avoid bringing up his reason for coming out to the house in the first place.

"And Alexis is going with you?"

Kevin's head snapped up at that. "She said that?" Thus far, Alexis hadn't committed to returning to New York with him.

Kate nodded. "She told us she's going to try to go back to her apartment. She wants to be available to Rosie."

Kevin frowned at that, imagining her alone in the same tiny apartment she'd lived in when she'd gone off the deep end. But he knew better than to tell Kate and Castle that he'd invited Alexis to live with him. No need to ruin all the good faith he'd worked so hard to earn. "I'm surprised she's not going back to the loft."

"Me too. I offered her a room, but she wouldn't take it. She wouldn't say why, either," Castle said, his frown matching Kevin's. "It's a good thing I've kept the apartment in all this mess."

"Good thing," Kevin echoed, watching the redhead in question play with her sister and daughter on the sand. She looked happy and healthy, her skin glowing in the sunlight, her smile and laughter more genuine than it had been in ages. He hoped that she'd be able to keep that glow in Manhattan.

He wished, not for the first time, that he knew what was going on in her head. Why she'd changed her mind about going back to her apartment. She'd told him more than once that she didn't think she could handle living there again. Why would she decide to go back there when she had other options on the table, and why was Kevin hearing about this decision from Castle of all people?

As if she could sense his gaze on her, Alexis turned her head to the group on the patio. On the other side of Kate, Castle waved, loudly complimenting the lumpy sand fortress, but she wasn't looking at her father. She was looking at Kevin, and he couldn't tell if her cheeks were pink from the sun, or if there was something else going on. She looked away before Kevin could stare much longer, and he instead caught Kate's knowing smile as he took a pull from his beer.

Kevin had no idea what to make of the almost-kiss that morning. Alexis had laid down their boundaries more times than he could count, and though she did seem to be warming to him, there was a huge difference between kindness and kissing. Since Rosie's well-timed interruption, she'd been almost shy with Kevin, and he didn't know what to make of that either. If Kevin didn't know better any, and if their relationship wasn't already beyond complicated, he'd say that Alexis was developing romantic feelings for him. But he did know better, and Alexis had created those rules of conduct for a reason. If the rules were changing, she hadn't told him.

"Ryan," Castle said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I have to thank you."

Kevin's eyebrows rose at that. "For what?"

"For helping her feel strong enough to come home," he said, his expression solemn. "And for being there for her when I wasn't."

"Um," Kevin said thickly, so surprised to be thanked by the writer for anything. "You're welcome."

Silence set in for a moment, punctuated only by the squeals of laughter from Rosie and Johanna, and Castle continued, "And if you screw this up again, if she ends up hurt again, I will end you."

Ironically, the threat of bodily harm had a calming effect. It felt more normal than gratitude, at least where Castle was concerned. "Good to know," Kevin said, settling back into his chair, content to watch Alexis and Rosie make memories in the sun.

* * *

Author's Note: Did you enjoy the new installment? It's kinda fun to write happier times. :) Please review!


	18. Chapter 18

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Eighteen

"Please don't worry now. It will turn around." —NEEDTOBREATHE, "More Time"

* * *

Their bags, along with a box of Alexis' things, were packed in the trunk. The linens had been washed and put away after her family's beach weekend. They'd said goodbye to the Hamptons house, Rosie was out cold in her carseat, and Alexis and Kevin had spent the last half of the drive to the Hamptons sitting in contemplative silence.

Alexis was coming home.

Kevin glanced at Alexis out of the corner of his eye. More than once, Kevin had felt Alexis' gaze wander over to him. She'd grown progressively more contemplative since her family had left the afternoon before. He'd initially tried to pull her from her shell during their final hours at the vacation house, but she clearly was working through something and he wasn't invited to be a part of it. He was confused by her behavior, by the silence and distance she'd wrapped around herself after things had been going so well… after she'd nearly kissed him.

"You excited for the party?" Kevin asked from the driver's seat.

Alexis' smile was thin. "It'll be nice to see everyone."

Elated that his daughter was finally returning, Castle was throwing a party at the loft, mostly just the family plus Lanie and Javi. Kevin wondered whether it was the best idea for Alexis' first day back in Manhattan, but he knew Castle's heart was in a good place.

"Your dad told me something interesting," he said, trying to keep her talking.

"What's that?" Alexis asked, staring out the passenger-side window.

"You're going back to your apartment."

She nodded. "I am. Or, I'm going to try to, at least."

"I thought you weren't ready."

"I have to be ready."

"Why?" His gaze briefly darted over to her, and he hoped his tone wasn't too frustrated. "You don't _have_ to do anything. You have options."

"And facing my baggage is the best option," she said. "I checked with my dad. The apartment is still there and ready for me. He's probably even having it cleaned as we speak. It'll be my own space, and I won't be in anyone's way."

"You wouldn't be in the way at the loft, either."

"I can't live there again, not after everything I've put them through. I don't get to just ping-pong back and forth between stressing my family out and intruding on their hospitality."

"I'm sure that's not how they feel about it."

She shrugged. "Well, either way, it's not the best fit. Dad… We're fixing our relationship, and living together won't help with that."

Kevin sighed, and his grip on the steering wheel tightened for just a moment. "And have you thought about my offer?"

She paused for a moment. "Yes."

"And?"

"I'm not sure that's a good fit, either."

"Because of our history?"

"Partly, yes."

"What about the other part?"

"It's just…. It'd be weird, wouldn't it?" she asked. "Living together? We're barely figuring out how to coparent… We're not in a relationship. What if you go on a date and want to bring her home? Won't that look bad, having me there?"

Her question was like a kick in the gut. "You really think I'm gonna be thinking about other women when you're in the bedroom next door?"

"Isn't that the problem?"

"If it is, it's my problem. You don't have to worry about it."

"And what if the tables were turned?" she pressed. "What if I wanted to date someone?"

"I wouldn't stop you," Kevin said, ignoring the sinking feeling in his stomach at that prospect. "But I don't get the impression that dating is high on your priority list right now."

"It's not."

"Okay, so if that's not a priority for either of us, why are you letting it affect your decision?"

"How could I even consider staying with you again after what you did?" Alexis said. "Wouldn't that be letting you off easy?"

Her words cut through him, and he was silent for a long string of seconds. "So we're back to this. You hating me again."

She shook her head, then sighed. "I don't know. I haven't let go of what you did. And sometimes I just want to move forward, but mostly I don't want to forget. I don't want to let you forget."

"You don't think I've paid my dues?"

"Not like I have."

"Can't disagree with you there." He frowned. "You're operating on a faulty assumption, though. I'll never forget. Whether you can ever bring yourself to forgive me or not, I'll never forget what I've done."

She was quiet again, hiding behind her walls, locked tight inside her inner world.

"You want to know what else your dad told me?

"What's that?"

"There may or may not have been a threat of bodily harm if something happens to you," Kevin paused, "but he thanked me."

"He thanked you? For what?"

"For helping you feel strong enough to come back."

Her eyes were wide, confused as she glanced at him.

"Do you feel strong enough?" he asked her.

"Of course I do."

"Then why do I feel like you're trying to dodge whatever is actually bothering you?" he asked.

She didn't answer.

"Okay, we've got about forty more minutes till we reach the loft. That's plenty of time for me to guess what's going on. You sure you don't want to save the time?"

She sighed again. "Kevin—"

"I'm trying to help you, Alexis. I feel like you're evading and pushing yourself to be okay with going back to your apartment when you might not be ready. That's how you ended up running away in the first place, you know that right? Be mad at me all you want, but I'm not letting you fall back into old habits."

"It's not a big deal—"

"What's the other part?" he asked suddenly. "The other reason that's keeping you from taking the spare bed."

"I want my privacy," she tried.

"I work fifty hours a week. You'd have plenty of privacy."

"I want to be independent."

He paused at that, not able to refute it so quickly. His voice was softer when he replied. "Is that really the reason?"

"Yes," she said. It didn't sound very convincing.

"And going back to that apartment…. That'll make you feel independent?"

"It's my own space, baggage or not. And… I'll still be there for Rosie, of course. Whenever she needs me… whenever you're comfortable with it," she amended. "And-and I'll find a job—"

"What kind of job?" he asked, feeling the tension in his shoulders tighten.

"I don't know… Any job. It's not that hard to find." She forced some levity to her voice. "I'm a pretty good waitress."

"You have a medical degree."

"And?"

"Don't you want to use it? I saw all those books back at the house…."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her fingers clench into fists. "I don't know."

Kevin huffed, shaking his head.

"What?" she asked.

"We're not even in the city limits and already you're pushing me out."

"Don't, Kevin. Don't make this about you."

"It's not about me. It's about you doing the same bullshit you've always done when you're afraid and don't want to admit it."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't have to be afraid, Alexis. Whatever you're mulling over, whatever you're afraid of… I can see you slipping backwards. And I know you won't be happy that way—"

"Don't act like you know everything about me."

"I've known you since you were fifteen."

"Thirteen months," she spat. "That's how long we spent any sort of regular time together. Thirteen months in all those years, and half of that time I was locked up in your apartment—"

His frustration had reached its peak, and his voice filled the air around them. "How many more times do you need to throw that in my face?"

"As many times as it takes for you to realize you don't get a say in my life!" Alexis yelled back.

Her words fell around them like shrapnel. Rosie fidgeted in her sleep, making humming noises, and the tension deflated.

"What, did you think we'd suddenly be best friends?" she continued, her voice softer.

"I thought we'd made some progress," he snapped quietly, glancing back at Rosie in her rearview mirror. "My mistake."

The rest of the drive back to the loft was spent in silence, Kevin's knuckles white on the steering wheel, and Alexis' fingernails cutting crescent moons into her clenched palms.

* * *

In true Castle fashion, her father had decorated the loft to the nines. A large welcome banner hung in the living room when she'd walked in, food was set out, and her family, Javi, and Lanie were all in attendance, armed and ready with hugs and well wishes and exclamations of relief.

"It's good to see you," Martha said, hugging her gently. "You look good."

"You have no idea how worried we were!" Lanie said.

"You are a sight for sore eyes," Javi said.

Her father was ecstatic, and he spent most of the evening by her side, offering her food and drinks, talking excitedly about her move back to her apartment, and trying to catch her up with everyone she hadn't seen since New Years Eve.

Alexis knew her father meant well, but being the guest of honor after she'd abandoned everyone made the whole thing feel more like a walk of shame. She saw the sympathy and pity in their eyes when they talked to her, when they learned how she'd been spending her time since running away. She took refuge at the snack table, away from the rest of the group, pretending to be perfectly arranging her small plate of food that she had no intention of eating, dragging out the act as long as she could.

The only person who wasn't smothering her with relief and sympathy was Kevin. Since the fight, he'd kept his distance, and after chatting with various members of the party for the first few minutes, he'd gone home and had taken Rosie with him, explaining that he had some things to do before going back to work the next day and that Rosie needed to get back in her routine. He'd let Alexis give their daughter a hug, and while she'd held the girl in her arms, he looked at her with a flat expression, one she hadn't seen directed at her since the day she'd invited him over for Rosie's first birthday party. He left without saying goodbye.

Alexis felt untethered without the two of them with her, and she was more than a little frustrated at herself for feeling that way. But more than that, she wished that Kevin had stayed. That she hadn't done such a thorough job of pushing him out. Her fingers itched to pull out her cell phone and call him, to apologize, to at least attempt to explain herself—

"Hey," Kate said quietly.

Alexis was pulled out of her thoughts. "Hi."

"How are you doing?"

Alexis shrugged. "Oh, you know. Fine. Just feeling... honored."

"Is this too much?" Kate shook her head. "Of course it's too much."

"He's just happy to have me back. I get it."

"What can I do?"

"Buy me some time?"

Kate smiled. "Got it."

Alexis found herself outside of the rest of the party as Kate talked to Javier, who had Aaron and Johanna at his side. Her father was chatting with Greg, Lanie, and Martha. Before she became aware she was doing it, Alexis set down her plate and walked quietly to the front door. She tugged the spare key to her apartment off the key hook, and her fingers wrapped around the cold steel doorknob and twisted, opening the front door and stepping out into the hallway. Alexis closed the door behind her, her feet following a path they knew by heart, and before she knew it, she found herself in front of the door to her old apartment. She took a deep breath, digging the key to the deadbolt out of her pocket. She wasn't sure why she was venturing into this territory when she knew there was a chance it would hurt, but like some sick compulsion, she turned the key until she heard the tumblers turn over, and she pushed the door open.

In so many ways, her apartment was exactly how she'd left it. It had clearly been cleaned; there were no dirty dishes in the sink or dust on the counter. Alexis had a feeling that if she were to open the door to the fridge, there would be no wine bottles inside of it. Her father had likely had those cleaned out along with the dust, cleaning her dirty habits along with her dirty dishes. As if it was possible to wipe away the stains left behind by her trauma.

She stood in front of the kitchen sink, noting the gleam on the metallic basin, and she recalled simultaneously the many times she'd bathed Rosie in that sink, the many times dishes and bottles had piled up while she struggled to get through the day-to-day, and the one time she'd cut her palm open cleaning broken glass out of the sink. How, in her exhaustion, she'd been mesmerized by the flow of blood down the drain and had never really known how long she'd stood there, letting herself bleed. She'd never told anyone about that. It had happened the summer before, soon after she'd moved into the apartment. After Rosie had left the NICU, before Kevin had come home, in that strange in-between when she felt she needed to pretend she was okay because so much time had passed, but before circumstances made it impossible to keep pretending.

She left her feet carry her through the dining nook, past the table that she never once ate a meal at, and into the living room. Her knees buckled and she collapsed on the couch, noting the circles in the coffee table left behind by coffee mugs and some reddish stains that were undoubtedly wine. She remembered with perfect clarity how the distance between the coffee table and the couch was the exact length of her arm, just the right distance for her to pick up a glass of whatever she was using to self-medicate while lying on the couch during all those sleepless nights when she was either alone in the apartment, or didn't want to wake Rosie with her bone-tired restlessness, the fear of closing her eyes, of making herself vulnerable and waking up at the mercy of someone else.

Alexis forced her legs to support her, and with a deep breath, walked into her bedroom. The bed was made, no doubt the sheets had been washed. Her clothes still hung in her closet. Rosie's crib was still there, though she was undoubtedly too big for it now. The linens on the crib had been washed and folder on the bare mattress, the small piece of furniture taking up space long past its usefulness, and something about the barren crib made her want to cry.

The rocking chair was still in the corner, and Alexis remembered all the days and nights she'd spent consoling her daughter who, even then, and with 20/20 hindsight, was an anxious child. A sick child. Learning to be a mother was difficult enough, but learning to be a single mother and learning how to take care of a premie felt impossible most of the time. Alexis searched her memories for those spots of light, those nights when Rosie was sweet and snuggly, when she smiled at Alexis, when she clung to her mother out of love and comfort rather than out of fear.

She opened the top drawer of the dresser, finding the stack of envelopes exactly where she'd left them. She knew the words on the pages by heart.

 _I love you._

 _I miss you so much._

 _I can't wait to come home to you and Rosie._

Her fingertips dragged against something cool and solid, and she pulled the necklace out of the envelope, the sterling silver knot with its embedded citrine stone cradled in her palm. Her fingers closed around it while her mind helpfully replayed every unkind thing she'd said to Kevin. Alexis closed the drawer and carefully slipped the necklace into her pocket.

Alexis moved on from the empty bedroom, stopping outside the bathroom. She forced herself inside, step by step. Her reflection in the mirror startled her, and for a moment she wasn't sure if she was looking at her current self or the hollow-eyed, sickly version of herself she'd been before she ran away. She rubbed at her face for a moment, waiting till her reflection settled into the one she knew, the one that promised health and healing.

Her eyes landed on the bathtub, and the spot tucked behind the shower curtain where she had hidden during so many of the worst nights, coming to in the morning with cold water crashing down on her shoulders. In those nightmare weeks with Sloane, the shower was where she would hide her tears, muffle her sobs, try to wash away the trauma he etched into her psyche every day.

Her heart sped up, and with each passing second, she stared at that spot in the shower, recalling all the nights she'd spent huddled on the tile floor. She found herself reaching for the shower door, a condition response to the emotion and adrenaline that was flooding her system, and she just stopped herself before her fingertips made contact against the handle.

She couldn't hide anymore. There was nothing to hide from but herself, and she couldn't hide from herself. She'd learned that the hard way. Alexis leaned hard against the wall and slumped onto the bathroom floor. The memories were so easily to recall, but they had just enough distance for her to keep her sanity. Remembering all the baggage that remained in her apartment was like watching the suffering of a close friend. She knew the emotions, and she felt them, to some extent, and thankfully the time and distance from those memories was the only thing keeping her from drowning all over again.

A startling realization settled over her. She couldn't stay here. She didn't _want_ to stay here. Nothing, not her so-called independence, not her pride, not her fear of change or the cold, sick-sure feeling that she'd fail again if she dared to step outside her tiny bubble of safety, could compel her to live in that apartment again. She'd live at a motel before she'd spent another night in this place.

She forced herself back to her feet, her hands shaking, her resolve hardening with every step out of the tiny bathroom. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, dialing the number she knew by heart.

"Alexis?"

"I want you to sell the apartment," she said, surprised by how level her voice sounded, even as her heart thundered inside her chest. "Sell it all, the furniture and everything else, too. Make some money off this place. I don't want to live here anymore, Dad."

"Where are you?"

"Downstairs." She licked her lips. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Come back upstairs and we'll talk about this."

"I've got something to take care of. Give everyone my love."

"Honey, you're scaring me. Are you going back to the Hamptons?"

"No, dad. I'm not running away anymore."

"Then where are you going?"

She pulled out the necklace, running her fingertips over the delicate pendant. "To eat some crow."

* * *

The necklace was still in her hand when she found herself at the door to Kevin's apartment, her heart in her throat. She gently rapped her knuckles on the wood, fighting to stay in place, to not run back to the elevator and hide in the loft.

Kevin opened the door, concern etched into the lines of his face. "Alexis? What are you doing here?"

She willed herself to be brave and forced the words to her lips. "I'm ready to talk now, if you still want to."

* * *

Author's Note: I think that's a good stopping point for now. :) Thanks so much for the reviews on the last chapter! You guys are wonderful to stick with me after all this time.

What do you think? Please review!


	19. Chapter 19

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Nineteen

"I just want you to know who I am." —Kina Grannis, "Iris"

* * *

"I'm ready to talk now, if you still want to."

For the longest time he merely stared at her, a crease between those endlessly blue eyes. Her words hung in the air long enough for Alexis to wonder whether or not she'd pushed Kevin away for good.

"Okay," he finally said. His eyes were guarded, but she counted her blessings that he was still willing to talk to her. He stepped back, opening the door wide to let her in.

Alexis stepped into the apartment, her gaze darting from the basket of laundry on the couch to the food laid out on the kitchen counter, as if he'd been in the middle of preparing dinner and catching up on chores when she'd interrupted. Rosie was nestled among a sea of toys in the living room, watching a cartoon on the television. The little girl turned her head, then grinned toothily at her mother.

The scene was so domestic, so eerily similar to those mundane moments back at the Hamptons house, when she and Kevin had been a team, her own absence in the picture was startling.

"Can I help?" The words were out of her mouth before she thought twice about them.

A crease appeared on Kevin's forehead. "What?"

Alexis gestured around them, and Kevin folded his arms in front of his chest. "You came over here to help with laundry?" he asked, not bothering to hide his skepticism. She suddenly realized how patient and gentle he'd been with her up to that point. The Kevin in front of her wasn't rude, necessarily, but he'd clearly stopped handling her with kid gloves. A new wave of self-loathing washed over her. Would she ever stop ruining the good things in her life?

"I'm sorry," she blurted out. "I was awful. You've been so kind and patient, and I threw it all back in your face. I shouldn't have done that."

He shrugged, as if it didn't much matter one way or the other if she apologized. "You want boundaries. That's fine. I shouldn't get to make calls on your life. You don't have to apologize for how you feel about me."

"Yes, I do!" she insisted. "I was an ass. And you were right."

"About what?"

"Everything." Her voice cracked. "I _am_ afraid. I'm falling back into old habits. And I tried to push you away because I didn't know how to face everything that I've been feeling…." She paused for a moment, "I'm sorry, Kevin. You didn't deserve that."

"Are you sure?" he asked, an emotion in his eyes that she couldn't identify. "It seems like you have a pretty clear picture of what I deserve."

She bit her lip, unable to find the words to respond. Her brain helpfully reminded her of the many instances that she'd lashed out at him. He was really trying to be what she needed, but she still hadn't forgiven him for all the times that he'd failed her.

"I thought so." He gave her a tight smile. "Thanks for the apology. I have a lot to get done tonight, so if you don't mind maybe we can table this for another day."

Her window was closing. It was now or never.

"I'm afraid of failing again," she said. "I'm afraid I'll never be able to be mom that Rosie needs or the daughter my dad needs. I'm afraid I'm too broken to amount to anything, really. I'm afraid of being left alone. I'm afraid of the crowds on the subway."

"Alexis—"

"And I'm afraid of how I feel about you."

At that, he paused. His expression was both hopeful and tentative. Like a dog that had been kicked a few too many times. "And... how do you feel?" he asked.

"I…. I care about you," she said, immediately kicking herself because she knew that answer wasn't good enough.

"Do you love me?" he asked her flatly.

She froze, her eyes locked on his, her mouth dry at the prospect of admitting her vulnerability. Slowly, she nodded, unable to bring those three little words to her mouth. "Yes," she whispered. A dumbfounded expression slid over his face, and she continued, "I still don't know how to move past the last few years, but I do care about you. I do want you around. I want you in my life. And I didn't know it was possible to feel all of those things at the same time."

For the longest time, he stared at her, as if trying to decipher some unspoken meaning in her words or perhaps weighing what she was offering him against all the things she was withholding. Caught in his gaze, Alexis was at once reminded of all his years spent in interrogation.

Kevin let out a breath and nodded, the tension seeping away from his frame for the first time since she'd walked into his apartment. "You want some dinner? I'm starving."

Alexis blinked, confused by the sudden change of subject. Her stomach growled in response, and she realized she couldn't recall the last time she eaten a proper meal. Certainly not in the last day or two. "Um, sure. Are we… Are we okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Are you sure? For what it's worth, I am really, really sorry."

He stepped close and slipped his arms around her. The anxiety bubbling in her stomach cooled as she rested her head on her favorite spot on his chest. His hand slid over her hair, soothing away the last of her nerves. "I'm sure."

* * *

"Daddddy!" Rosie cackled as chased her father around the dining room, clumsily toddling along behind each of his strides. Kevin disappeared behind the table, then popped back into Rosie's sight, earning a squeal of excitement from the child—and then their chase continued.

Alexis watched from the kitchen, drying the last of the dishes they'd used for dinner. Kevin was such a great father, and their little girl loved him so much. Complicated urges aside, Alexis loved to see them so happy together. It made all of the missteps and complications seem worth it.

Kevin approached a few minutes later, breathing hard. After their chase, he'd gotten Rosie settled with her toys again. "I need to stop skipping the gym," he said. "That was way harder than it should have been." He leaned against the counter. "Need any help with that?"

Alexis blew a strand of hair out of her face, her hands full with the plate and dishrag. "That's alright. I'm pretty much done."

He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, leaning just a little closer. Heat raced up Alexis' cheeks as she took in the planes of his body, mercifully hidden beneath the light blue v-neck shirt. His skin was golden from all the days spent in the sun on his beach vacation, and the thin cotton shirt did little to cover the lean, corded muscles of his arms and shoulders.

She recalled the last time she'd seen those muscles exposed. They'd played on the beach during their final morning at the Hamptons house—one last adventure for their mermaid child. That morning, with the sun slipping over his skin, the ocean water glistening in the sunlight, Alexis felt something she hadn't felt in far too long. Of course, Kevin was just as handsome clothed. The man knew how to wear a t-shirt.

"See something you like?" he smiled knowingly at her, and the heat in her cheeks intensified.

She was acutely aware of his gaze on her body, on her own loose-fitting T-shirt and jeans. By contrast, she always wore a coverup on the beach. A swimsuit alone felt a little too exposing, too tight, showing too much cleavage, her scar, places where her pregnancy had left fissures in her skin. Still, Kevin looked at her like she was dressed to the nines and not denim and an old, holey T-shirt.

"Alexis?" he asked, his voice much gentler than it had been before. No longer teasing. He crossed the gap and gently brushed his fingertips over her knuckles. That electric connection buzzed between them, both soothing and fraying. She pulled her hand back and immediately missed the warmth of his fingertips.

She took a deep breath. "I do like what I see." As soon as the confession left her lips, she felt strange for having said it and for having acted like it was such a world-shattering event that she would be attracted to him. Of course she would be. That had never been the issue. Embarrassment painted her cheeks bright red.

But he didn't make fun of her. He was much kinder to her than the thoughts in her own head. "So do I," he said with a small smile.

She wanted to smile back. Scratch that, she wanted to close the gap and kiss him, to see if he'd taste like the egg-salad sandwiches they'd had for dinner. But that would be crossing a line. She frowned, her eyes already skittering away from his. She gasped when his fingertips touched her jaw, gently pulling her back to his gaze. She felt a tug of war between whatever was bubbling between them and the urge to hide. Sensation tingled where his fingertips touched her, and she felt incredibly overexposed when she met his eyes again. Like he could see the indecision, how much he was affecting her.

Slowly and carefully, Kevin tilted his head down, cupped her face in his hands, and gently pressed his lips against hers. It was a short, sweet thing, a gentle brush of a kiss, and he pulled back before she was cognizant of anything except the warmth of his lips.

Alexis stepped back, her fingertips on her lips. "Why did you…"

"After the other day…" He looked a little unsure, then said, "I thought you wanted it and didn't know how to ask." Heat spread across his cheekbones.

Alexis blinked, shocked at the accuracy of his assessment.

"I've been waiting for you to bring it up or take the lead again…" he continued. "Have you changed your mind?"

"I don't know," she said softly.

"Why did you want to kiss me?"

She shook her head. "It's selfish."

"Try me."

She took a breath. "I miss… being touched. Holding hands. A hug. Those kinds of things. It's been a long time since I felt like I belonged in my own skin, and now that I'm starting to feel that way more often, I want those things back."

He was quiet for a long time. "With me?" he asked.

"Yes." She licked her lips. "I would have kissed you. If Rosie hadn't interrupted... I wanted to. And I was really happy to want it. It's been a long time since anything like that has seemed possible."

"So why are you looking at me like you have bad news?"

"Wanting to kiss someone and being prepared for a relationship are different things," she said softly. "It's not fair to you to even ask."

"Why don't you let me decide what's fair for myself?

"I have so many other things I need to focus on and figure out, Kevin. I can't worry about our relationship status right now."

"So don't worry about it."

"Kevin—"

"I'm serious, Alexis. I love you. You…" he stumbled a bit, "You have feelings for me, too. Things are going well for us. Why don't we just let them continue that way and not worry about labels?"

A crease appeared between her eyebrows. "So what… coparents with benefits? No strings attached?"

He shook his head. "You just do what feels right to you."

"What about you?"

He entwined their fingers. "This feels right to me."

"And Rosie?" she asked.

"Has two parents who love her more than anything. She'll be fine." He brushed a lock of hair off her shoulder. "You're taking on more than your fair share of worry here. The world won't fall apart if you allow yourself to be happy."

"But—"

"I don't want to do anything that you're not comfortable with. We've got a lot to figure out, you're right. And Rosie has to come first. I know. But you don't have to hold yourself back. This is something you want, something you need, I think, and I'm happy to give it to you."

"I don't want to hurt you," she whispered.

He leaned in closer, stroking her cheek with the backs of his fingers. "And I want to give you a chance to heal."

Slowly, tentatively, she closed the distance between them, pressing her lips against his. Like their earlier kiss, it was brief, but relief and joy hummed through her body at the simple embrace. She'd done it. She'd kissed him, and it had felt completely, one-hundred percent _right_.

"How was that?" he asked, his voice low, his mouth hovering over hers.

"Great."

His hand cradled the back of her neck, tilting her head back ever so slightly. "Do you want more?"

"Yes."

This time, they met in the middle. Kevin's lips were warm and firm, coaxing hers into a delicious rhythm. It never evolved beyond his mouth moving against hers, his hands tangling in her tresses. Alexis' head spun and her blood heated in her veins. Her hands sliding up his chest, gripping at his shirt for something to ground her. After a fashion, Kevin allowed her to take the lead, and his hands slid down her back, settling on her waist, seemingly purposeful in the inches of space he kept between them.

When they finally came up for air, he rested his forehead against hers. "And that?"

A smile pulled at her lips. "Wonderful."

"Dad!"

Kevin grinned, pulling back to see Rosie at their feet, tugging at his leg. "I swear she's got a sixth sense," he muttered. He picked her up, and she snuggled into his shoulder. "She's about ready for bed." He turned back to Alexis as if something had only just occurred to him. "Are you going back to your dad's tonight?"

Over dinner she'd told him about her decision to sell the apartment, but she couldn't bring herself to ask him to let her stay. It seemed selfish to apologize for mistreating him and then ask if she could intrude on his hospitality. "Um, that depends."

"On what?" he asked.

"On whether or not your spare bed is still available."

He smiled. "Of course it is."

He led her down the hallway, turning left at the first door. "You remember the nursery," Kevin said, turning on the light. "It's not much, but—"

Alexis glanced around the room, taking inventory of the baby furniture and the plain, twin-sized bed in the corner. "It's perfect. Thank you."

He absently rocked the drowsy toddler in his arms as he spoke. "I mean, if you need something bigger, you can take my bed and I'll sleep on the couch or in here or—"

"This is great, Kevin. I really appreciate it."

He smiled. "Do you want to take her while I put some fresh sheets on your bed?"

"Sure."

Before long, Rosie was fast asleep in her crib, and Kevin had procured a set of clothes for Alexis to sleep in, fresh sheets and towels, making sure to show her where everything was that she might need. She'd go get the rest of her things from her dad's place tomorrow. Alexis felt so relieved, so touched to be accepted and to have this safe space to stay in.

"—and if you need anything, let me know," he finished.

She nodded. "I will. Thank you."

"It's my pleasure."

Silence and tension slipped between them, and Alexis looked down the hallway to Kevin's open bedroom door. She could see the dark furniture contrasting against cream-colored bedding, much like his bedroom had been at the penthouse.

She felt keyed up from being back in the city, from being in a space that Kevin dominated, that held his memories and offered unique and intimate knowledge of his life. She'd lived with him before, and each time it was different. This felt different, too.

He yawned. "I go back to work tomorrow, so I really need to get some sleep. Just knock if you need anything, okay?"

"Okay," she smiled. "I should probably call my dad. Let him know I'm safe."

"It's really great having you here."

"I'm glad to be here." She slid her hands into her pockets, "Um, thanks for being so patient with me. You're a good friend."

A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "So we _are_ friends now, huh?"

She blushed. "Something like that." There wasn't a label for where they were at, for what they meant to each other. Just like there wasn't a road map for their relationship ahead. They'd have to create one on their own.

He stepped closer, taking one of her hands into his own. "About what happened in the kitchen earlier…."

"What about it?" A tiny tendril of insecurity curled down her spine. Was he already reneging on his offer?

"I thought it was pretty wonderful, too." He kissed her forehead and stepped back, "Good night, Alexis."

"Good night," she repeated, watching him close the door behind him.

Alexis look back to the nursery, to the small twin-sized bed and her daughter sleeping in the crib on the other side of the was it, for now.

Home sweet home.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much for the reviews on the last chapter! I hope you enjoyed the newest installment . How much did you love all that fluff?


	20. Chapter 20

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Twenty

"This is the place where I feel at home." —The Cinematic Orchestra, "To Build a Home"

* * *

"You're living where?!"

Alexis sighed, rubbing her face. "I think you heard correctly." She glanced across the nursery, where Rosie was asleep in her crib. The owl-shaped clock on the wall read 10:42 p.m.

"That doesn't make any sense," her father insisted.

"Doesn't it?" After getting settled into her new living arrangements, she'd given herself a pep talk until she was brave enough to dial her dad's cell phone number. She knew he wouldn't be pleased with her decision, but she hadn't been prepared for the flat-out venom in his voice with its accompanying tones of disbelief and disappointment.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because he's the reason you ran off in the first place!" Alexis held the phone away from her ear, wincing at Castle's volume.

"Dad," she said firmly. "We've had this conversation a million times, and I'm not going to have it again."

"Alexis—"

"I'm going to bed now—"

"You and Ryan had better be in separate beds—"

"Good night."

"Alexis," he said urgently, "wait."

"What?"

"I love you."

Tears burned at the corners of her eyes, and some of her anger softened. "I love you, too." She sniffed. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

He sighed. "Okay. Good night."

"Good night."

Alexis wiped her eyes and leaned against the wall, her legs stretched across the bed in front of her. Was she making a mistake? Just falling into old habits and seeking comfort from the wrong person? She rubbed her face in frustration. Now that Kevin and Rosie were asleep, Alexis was alone. And fighting with her father again. The urge to run back to the Hamptons house was almost overwhelming.

But running had never solved anything. Her problems always followed behind, and if the fact that she once again had her own space in Kevin's apartment meant anything, it was that the universe had a funny sense of humor. She rested her head against the wall, thinking about the man asleep on the other side. Just as strong as the urge to run was the need to stay. She wanted to go to Kevin, to wake him up and find the comfort that he'd be all too willing to offer. He'd been nothing but kind, nothing but gentle and supportive and careful with her.

Kissing him had been a revelation. For the first time since before Rosie was born, she'd felt nothing but safety and love with so much physical contact. No panic. No sense of smothered freedom.

No triggers.

She was so relieved she could have cried. Whatever was wrong in her head, whatever wires had been crossed, and no matter the scars that had been etched inside her to trigger those most primal of instincts, they weren't forever. She was getting better, and Kevin was helping her to do so. Alexis resolutely ignored that nagging voice in her mind, the mean little snarl that reminded her of every way Kevin had ever wronged her. Because if she didn't have that tiny bit of faith in the father of her child, it would be all to easy to back out of their brand-new arrangement.

In the end, Alexis didn't wake Kevin. And she didn't run, either. She got out of her twin-sized bed and walked to the front door, checking to make sure that it opened for her, that the hallway and the city beyond it were still accessible to her. Then she locked the door and returned to her bed.

Things would be different this time. They had to be.

* * *

It was strange having Alexis in his new apartment, the space he'd only ever shared with Rosie.

When Kevin poked his head into the nursery the next morning to check on Rosie and his new guest, he was greeted with the sight of the two most important people in his world curled up together in the twin-sized bed. A small smile tugged at his lips, watching the two of them. Rosie looked so much like her mother, especially when she was asleep. They had the same shade of red in their hair, the same cheekbones, the same long eyelashes.

Kevin wondered if Alexis secretly liked the closeness. Much as he was so proud of Alexis for being brave enough to come back and to choose Rosie over her own fears and demons, Kevin suspected she had a ways to go before she would truly be well again. He was immensely grateful that she trusted him to help her through the process, that she was trusting him with her emotions, that she'd as good as told him that she loved him.

It did grate a bit that she couldn't say those three little words, after everything, but he reminded himself to count his blessings. He should also be glad that she was letting him in at all. He'd be patient; he'd wait as long as she needed, because this moment in front of him, seeing Alexis and their daughter together in one place, that was what he'd always wanted, that was what home felt like to him.

Alexis twitched, and Kevin took that as his cue to leave. It would set a bad precedent if she woke up to find him watching her.

He got ready for work and was pouring coffee into a travel mug when a sleepy redhead stumbled into the kitchen behind him.

"Good morning," she mumbled.

"Morning."

"Off to work?"

"Yeah, I'm sure Shields will have tons of gopher work for me after being gone so long." He smiled. "What are you going to do today?"

She frowned a bit as she poured the rest of the coffee into a mug she'd retrieved from the cupboard. "Um… I'm not sure. Unpack, I guess. I need to call my dad back. He wasn't very happy when I told him where I'm staying."

Kevin frowned, feeling a little disappointed. He'd thought he'd made more progress with Castle than that. "I'm sorry to be this source of tension between you two."

"Don't be sorry. It's his choice to be pigheaded about this. Anyway, I told him I'd call him this morning. Maybe he's calmed down a bit."

"Well, please make yourself at home. What's mine is yours."

"Okay." She looked around the kitchen, the caffeine brightening her gaze. "Um, thanks."

His heartstrings tugged a bit. She suddenly looked very small. "You sure you're good to take her all day?" he asked. "I can see about getting a sitter if you'd rather not—"

"It's fine. I mean, what use am I here otherwise?"

He shook his head. "You're not hired help, Alexis. You don't have to worry about being useful."

She frowned back at him.

"You're here to get better, right?"

She sighed. "I don't even know what that means. What that's supposed to look like."

He squeezed her hand. "You'll find it. I've really got to go. Are you sure—"

"Yes, we'll be fine, Kevin."

Still reluctant, Kevin forced himself out the door, and Alexis stood in the empty apartment, feeling entirely out of place. She peeked in the nursery, where Rosie was still asleep. That nagging, slightly panicked feeling had settled back into the pit of her stomach. She picked up her phone, dialing her dad's phone number.

"Why can't you live here?" he said by way of greeting.

She sighed, and then decided to just tell the truth. "Because I don't want to."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think this is a better fit."

"I just don't understand, Alexis."

"Kevin's place is quiet; I have immediate access to Rosie; I can feel like I'm contributing to her life. I don't know. I just feel like there's space for me to breathe here, and I don't know that I can have that if I live with you." She looked around the empty, silent apartment. Yes, there was plenty of breathing room. Hopefully not too much.

"Are you two back together?"

Alexis hesitated for a moment, deciding against telling her father the whole story where Kevin was concerned. "No, we're not. I'm living there as a friend and as Rosie's mom."

"I don't—"

Alexis waved her arm around. "I'm calling you, aren't I? I've been here all morning with Rosie. I'm still part of your life. I'm still your daughter, and I still love you. I just need space, Dad."

"But not space from him."

Alexis shrugged. "He works a lot. I don't really foresee a ton of quality time in our future. And I thought you were okay with Kevin?"

"That was before you moved in with him."

"But—"

" _Dad_." She was nearly the end of her patience. "I need you to let this go. I can't keep defending this decision over and over again for the rest of our lives. You can either accept it or not, but it's going to be really hard to be in each other's lives if this is how all of our conversations go."

There was a beat of silence on the other end, and she heard him sigh. "This is so hard for me. It's one thing to trust him to be in Rosie's life, and I barely even trust him for that. But to see you living with him, after everything he's done... I've seen part before, Alexis, and I know how it ends. I don't want to see you getting hurt again.

She shook her head. "You think I don't know that Kevin lied to me for all those years? You think I've forgotten what else he's done?"

"You're choosing him."

She rubbed her face. "I'm going to be brutally honest about this. Just this once. And after I tell you, you don't get to fight with me about it anymore, okay?"

"Okay."

"I still love him." She heard her father's curse on the other end of the phone, and she raised her voice to drown out his rebuttal. "And I hate him. He lied to me for years about who he was, and then he basically held me hostage for my entire pregnancy. I haven't forgotten that. I _can't_ forget that. But Dad, he's trying so hard. He's turning his life inside out to make things better for me. He was there when I abandoned Rosie, and when I could barely see past my own self loathing, he forgave me. He forgave me and loved me and has been almost annoyingly supportive ever since. I'm staying here because even though he hurt me, even though I don't know if I can ever be in a relationship with him again, I know that I'm safe here. I know that there's no judgment here. And, I know that if I decide to walk out that door tomorrow and decide that we're nothing but coparents, he'll respect that decision and treat me exactly the same. And frankly, Dad, I have much bigger things to worry about than Kevin Ryan."

"Like what?"

She leaned against the counter. "Like... figuring out how to be a person again, for starters. I need to see if my therapist will still let me see her. I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do for money. I need to be there for Rosie." She paused, licking her lips. "I need to keep mending my relationship with my family."

Silence settled in as her father processed her words, and Alexis asked, "Want to come over for breakfast?"

"To Ryan's apartment?"

"He's at work now. It's just me and Rosie here. I'd kill for an egg sandwich right about now." She bit her lip. "And I'd like to see you."

"Breakfast with two of the prettiest girls in the world?" Castle's voice sounded a little forced, but Alexis smiled anyway.

"You'd be a fool to say no."

She thought she could hear a smile in her father's voice. "It's a date."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much for your patience! I hope you enjoyed the new chapter. Alexis and Kevin's story definitely isn't over yet. Please review! (Did I mention it's my birthday this week? And Seamus Dever's? And the three-year anniversary of _In My Veins_?) :D


	21. Chapter 21

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-One

"Who am I to you, darling?" —Ben Howard, "Promise"

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Alexis asked with wide eyes. "I know this isn't your responsibility."

Kevin glanced over at Castle, who was boxing up dishes in the kitchen of Alexis' soon-to-be former apartment. Even though Castle had dragged his feet with listing the apartment, no doubt hoping that Alexis would change her mind and move our of Kevin's spare bedroom, the apartment had sold within days of going on the market. "Yes, I'm fine with this, Alexis. Go have some fun."

"But Rosie—"

"Is upstairs in the loft with Javi and the other kids," he smirked at little bit at his word choice, and then continued, "besides, you haven't had a kid-free afternoon since coming back to Manhattan. You more than deserve a break. Hopefully we'll be all finished by the time you get back."

She looked meaningfully at her father, then lowered her voice. "Are you sure you're comfortable being alone with my dad?"

"I'm not going to murder him, honey," Castle called from his place in the kitchen. He didn't look up from his task of wrapping her dinner plates in brown paper. "I promised I'd play nice, didn't I?"

"See? You have nothing to worry about," Kevin said. "I'll see you tonight. Try to have some fun, okay?"

Alexis fixed a smile to her face. "I'll try. And thanks for doing this for me," she raised her voice, "both of you. Thank you."

"You're welcome," her father answered. "Now go. You're keeping the other ladies waiting."

With another tentative smile, Alexis left the apartment, and Kevin and Rick were alone in the apartment. Kevin glanced at the writer, who was whistling the tune to some pop song Kevin had heard on the radio. "You good in here?" Kevin asked. "I thought I'd go pack up the bedroom."

"Know your way around this place, do you?"

"Just from my supervised visits with Rosie when I first got back."

Castle made a "hmmm" sound, then shrugged. "Knock yourself out."

"Alright." Kevin sighed, running a hand through his hair on his way to the bedroom. He picked up a few cardboard boxes on the way. That was about as warm a reception as he was going to get from Alexis' father. It was always one step forward, two steps back with Castle. He'd been almost friendly at the Hamptons house, and then when he'd discovered that Alexis had decided to move in with Kevin, his feelings had chilled again. Kevin didn't blame him, necessarily. The writer certainly had plenty of reason to hate him, but two months had passed since Alexis had come home and it was getting a little tiresome to walk on eggshells around her father all the time.

He stepped into Alexis' former bedroom, his eyes skipping over the bare full-sized mattress and the empty, equally bare crib in the corner. He tried to image Alexis here, up all the hours of the night with Rosie. Kevin was honestly a little sad to see the apartment go. It had housed all those special firsts, all those memories of their daughter that he'd never gotten to experience.

While most of Alexis' furniture and household items were either being sold or going into storage, she'd requested that everything from her bedroom, except the furniture, be boxed up and brought back to Kevin's apartment. He dropped a cardboard box on the floor and started with her dresser, which was already mostly empty. Alexis had been bringing clothes back to his apartment over the last couple months, and anything that had belonged to Rosie had already been either brought upstairs to the loft or to Kevin's place when Alexis left Manhattan months before.

In the top drawer, Kevin found a stack of envelopes shoved into the back, and recognized the addresses. They were his letters. The letters he'd sent her from Washington, D.C. to Dublin and everywhere in between. It hit Kevin with a pang that several of the letters were unopened. He blew out a breath and began packing them away.

He'd poured his heart and soul into those letters, had ensured they'd be sent through special channels so that she couldn't be tied to his dark, dangerous world again. And she hadn't even bothered to read all of them. He wondered what made the difference between the letters she'd opened and the ones that remained sealed. Was it just random timing, dependent on how she'd been feeling on any given day? He packed away the rest of the clothes in the dresser, his sour mood improving as he covered the letters with more and more layers of fabric.

The nightstand was empty, so he moved to the closet, packing away more clothes and filling a different cardboard box with shoes. Several heavy-looking boxes were tucked away on a high shelf above the hanger rod. Kevin lifted one of the boxes off the built-in shelving, cursing when the bottom broke out of it and a stack of notebooks crashed to the floor at his feet. He bent down to pick them up, and his eyes caught on one of the open pages.

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _Please come back. I'd do anything to see you, even if it's just one more time._

When had she written this to him? He remembered the letters she'd written when she'd been living in his penthouse with him, when the weight of his lies had rendered them unable to speak to each other. A tiny bit of hope sparked inside him. Had she written to him when he was away, earning his freedom with the FBI? All that time he'd been writing to her and dreaming of their future... had she been thinking of him, too?

He kneeled down and flipped the page over.

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _How could you do this to me? To us? How could you just abandon me?_

That spark flickered. He hadn't meant to leave her and Rosie, but he hadn't had a choice. A year was a small price to pay for a lifetime of freedom, wasn't it? He thumbed through the journal, surprised to see it full of letters. He picked up another of the journals.

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _Dr. Roth told me to write my feelings. He said it would help me process everything. I don't know what I'm feeling, so I'm writing to you instead._

 _It's been three weeks since Valentine's Day. Three weeks since you disappeared and I woke up in the hospital with my chest torn in two. Nobody can find you. Or Brigid. Or the people who hurt me._

 _Dad says he found me in the warehouse, cold and bloody. The doctors say I died at least twice that day—_

Horror made his brain short-circuit, and Kevin drew in a shuddering breath.

The letters weren't written to him while he'd been making the world a better place. She'd written those letters years before, when he'd thought she was dead, when he'd allowed himself to be enslaved to his psychotic grandfather. The realization cut to the center of his being. Seeing the pain Alexis had been through while he'd been none the wiser . . . He wiped away the tears forming in the corners of his eyes. And like a sick compulsion, he kept reading.

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _It hurts to breathe. To laugh. Crying hurts the most. The doctors keep trying to increase my pain medication, but I don't like getting all fuzzy. I won't be able to find you if I'm doped up on morphine all the time._

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _I'm out of the hospital now. Dad wants me to stay with him, but I went back to our apartment instead. If I bury my face in your pillow, I can almost smell your cologne._

 _Are you ever going to come home?_

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _It's summer now. I'm at the Hamptons with Dad and Kate and Johanna. I can't stop thinking about the last time you and I were here together._

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _Today Dad told me you're not coming back._

 _He's wrong. I know he's wrong. I know you wouldn't just abandon me like this._

 _Dear Kevin,_

 _I miss you._

 _Kevin,_

 _Where are you? Why did you leave? And why weren't you there when I woke up?_

 _Dear Kevin—_

"Sure are taking your sweet time in there, Ryan," Castle said as he poked his head into the bedroom. His expression twisted into suspicion when he found Kevin sitting on the floor, surrounded by Alexis' journals.

Kevin sat upright, quickly wiping his face, shock and something like shame the only thing holding back the grief that had bled from the pages and into him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I um... I found these letters. They were addressed to me…. Alexis, she wrote them to me..."

With a frown, Castle stepped into the room and stooped to pick a journal up off the floor at random.

"'Dear Kevin'," he read, "'I know you're still out there. I know you're still alive." Rick paused, the words on his lips seeming almost painful. "I know you still love me.'"

"All those years, she wrote to me," Kevin said. "All those years she was hurting—"

"Is this a surprise to you?"

Kevin shook his head. "I . . . I had no idea it was this bad."

"What did you expect?" he demanded. "She lost her future and the love of her life in one fell swoop. She loved you. And she needed you. She asked for you when she woke up in the hospital, you know. And you weren't there for any of it. She didn't know if you were even alive. None of us—" Castle stopped himself.

"I lost everything that day." Kevin rubbed his face. "I spent the better part of the next year in the bottle."

"Do you expect me to feel sorry for you?"

"No! No, no, I don't... I don't expect anything from you. From any of you."

Silence settled in as both of their eyes moved over the emotional shrapnel scattered across the floor around them.

"How long did it take for her to come back from this?" Kevin held up a notebook, his stomach clenching with anxiety.

Rick sighed and all the tension seemed to slip out of him. "She didn't." He took a seat on the edge of the bare mattress. "When she was finally discharged from the hospital, she was a different person. She didn't smile anymore. Didn't laugh, you know?" The writer speared him with a heavy gaze, and Kevin fought against the urge to curl in on himself. "New Year's Eve wasn't the first time I lost Alexis. She was gone years before that."

"How can you stand this?" Kevin asked. "Me being around... after everything?"

Castle shrugged. "I have to. I love my daughter and my granddaughter. I want to make them happy. And Alexis has made it clear that I can't make their lives better by shutting you out. And..." Castle frowned for a moment, then continued. "That same day I lost Alexis for the first time, I also lost one of my very best friends. My partner in crime and crazy theories. I loved you, too. I missed you, too."

Tears blurred Kevin's vision, and he wiped at his eyes. He'd never considered that some of Castle grief might belong to him alone, that the writer had missed their friendship for all of these years. Kevin's heart ached, with sorrow and something bittersweet that threatened to squeeze the breath from his lungs. "I missed you. All of you. I hated leaving that life behind me. When I wasn't thinking about Alexis, I was thinking about you and Javi and Beckett. All the good memories we'd made together."

The ghost of a smile tugged at Castle's mouth. "They were great memories."

"Do you think . . . " Kevin forced the words out before his nerves gave up on him. "Do you think we can ever get back to that?"

The writer sighed, and that ghost smile disappeared. "Honestly? I don't think we can go back. We're not those people anymore. We haven't been those people for a long time."

Kevin nodded, despair filling the space between breaths.

Castle stood up and offered his hand to Kevin. "The only way out of here is forward."

Kevin took his hand and stood.

"Why don't you go upstairs and help Espo wrangle the kids? I'll finish up here."

"Thanks, Castle." Kevin gave him a grateful smile.

"Don't mention it. You were making a mess of things anyway." The half-smile on the writer's face told Kevin he was joking, and that, more than anything else, gave Kevin some comfort. He'd been convinced that Rick Castle would never joke with him again.

Maybe there was some reason to hope after all.

* * *

"This was a great idea, Lanie," Kate said as she took a sip of champagne.

"It's nice to have a girl's day every now and then." The M.E. smiled.

"Yes, send the men off to care for the children while we indulge." Martha held up her glass. "I'll toast to that."

Alexis clinked her glass against the others, feeling a strange looseness between her shoulders. It had been a lovely afternoon. They'd gotten pedicures first, and all the miles Alexis had put on her feet had taken a toll. Then the group stopped at a hair salon, where Alexis had gotten her first haircut since before she'd gotten pregnant with Rosie. The stylist had removed about seven inches of frayed, damaged hair, and Alexis felt lighter—both physically and emotionally—than she had in months. It was amazing what a few simple pleasures could do.

"So you've been back for a couple months now, right?" Lanie asked. "How are you liking it?"

"It's better than I thought it would be," Alexis said. "I um… I was worried I'd be triggered again. That I wouldn't be able to keep it together. So far so good." She laughed nervously. She was more surprised than anyone that she'd made it so far.

"You're one tough cookie," Martha said. "You just needed some time away to find your strength."

Alexis smiled gratefully at that. It was a kind way to reframe what others could easily call Alexis abandoning her family, her child, her responsibilities. Alexis still felt that way sometimes. She still felt the pressure, the overwhelming burden of her past failures hanging over her. But maybe her grandmother was right. Everything _did_ feel easily this time around. Her days were busy with taking care of Rosie, attending her weekly Skype sessions with her therapist and doing the "homework" from each of those sessions, helping her dad with his business, and taking time for her daily run. Her day-to-day wasn't all that much different from it had been before, but she felt like a completely different person than she'd been even just six months earlier.

"And Kevin?" Grams asked. "How's your little cohabitation experiment going?"

Alexis sighed. "He's a good dad to Rosie, and he's very kind to let me stay with her. And that's all that's on the table right now." Kevin's presence did make things easier, her ever-fluctuating feelings aside. Living together as they were, wholly invested in Rosie as they both were, Alexis had plenty of time to take care of her own needs when Kevin was off work. She didn't know where he got the energy to spend his days working with the FBI and his nights and weekends chasing after their daughter until bedtime, but he did it. Every day. She smiled as she considered the previous night's adventure. Rosie had spent the better portion of an hour with Kevin, the two of them brushing her toy ponies. Rosie had cackled with glee every time Kevin whinnied as he played with her toys.

"So you're not back together?" Lanie asked.

"We're coparenting."

"And cohabitating," Lanie pressed.

"Well, at the end of the day he sleeps in his bed and I sleep in mine. I know it's pretty untraditional, but it works for us. Rosie's only going to be this age once. I want to enjoy this time with her, you know?"

Martha squeezed her hand. "Fair enough."

"I miss that age," Kate said wistfully.

"You think and Dad will have more kids?" Alexis asked.

"I'd like to. I'd love nothing more than for Johanna to have a sibling a little closer to her age." She smiled at Alexis, who nodded in understanding. "We always said we'd try for another when Johanna started preschool, but life got in the way, I guess."

Alexis swallowed her food with some difficulty, her stomach twisting with guilt. "I got in the way, didn't I?"

"It's not your fault," Kate assured her. She reached out and squeezed her stepdaughter's hand. "And maybe now that things have settled a bit . . ." she trailed off, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Should I tell Dad I want a sibling for Christmas?" Alexis joked.

"Let me know how that works for you." Kate laughed.

"I can help with Richard," Martha supplied. "I wouldn't mind another grandchild, either."

"Javi wants more kids," Lanie said.

"Really?" Kate's eyebrows rose. "And what do you think of that?"

"I think we need to make it to the altar before we add another Esposito-Parish child to the mix."

"That man would marry you tomorrow, if you let him," Martha said kindly.

"I know he would." Lanie took a swig from her flute of champagne. "Still deciding whether or not to let him."

Alexis nodded sympathetically. She knew all too well what it was like to be in love with someone who'd hurt you. And she knew it was a terrifying thing to try to trust that person again. The conversation moved on as their lunch continued, and Alexis allowed herself to relax and enjoy her time with other adults, other women, other mothers. As they walked out of the restaurant after paying for their meals, Alexis fell into step next to Lanie. "This really was a brilliant idea."

"You look like a new woman." Lanie smiled. She wrapped an arm around Alexis as they followed Kate and Martha down the street. "Kate told me you're thinking about retaking your boards."

"Oh. Um, well, I am. Thinking about it, that is."

"Know what you'd like to practice?"

Alexis shook her head. "I have some ideas, but… I don't know for sure."

"Any chance I could convince you to try another day at the morgue? You really were one of the most promising students in the program."

Alexis blushed. Her time working as an M.E. felt about a million years ago. "Actually, I've kind of been missing it lately."

Lanie's lips twitched. "You miss the morgue?"

Alexis laughed. "I miss the puzzles."

"You're welcome to shadow me anytime. I'd love to have you back, even for just one day."

Her heart raced in her chest at the prospect, and those panicked voices in her head helpfully reminded her of every specific reason she should be afraid of going back to M.E. work. Alexis shoved them down. "I think I'd like that."

* * *

Author's Note: Shoutout to Bniles for her kind request for an update. Here you go! :) Thanks for reading, everyone. I hope you're still enjoying this story. Please please please review!


	22. Chapter 22

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Twenty-Two

"What I do remember is you." —William Fitzsimmons, "Fortune"

* * *

Alexis returned home feeling much lighter than she had in a long time, and the relief of that feeling made her almost giddy. For the first time since Rosie was born, Alexis felt like things were really possible for her. She was excited, eager to start shadowing Lanie, to study for her boards, to have the energy and wellness to get her life back on track and finally, _finally_ move forward.

She set her purse on the end table and walked into the living room, stopping in her tracks when she saw Kevin stretched out on the couch. Rosie was curled in his arms, little snores echoing with the rise and fall of her chest.

Biting back a grin, Alexis pulled her phone out of her pocket and snapped some pictures.

"Enjoying yourself?" Kevin asked, his eyes still closed, his voice rough with sleep.

"Immensely." She perched on the edge of the couch and leaned over to show him the picture. "It's a keeper, don't you think?"

"Mmm…." he agreed, shifting the toddler in his arms so he could sit up. Rosie didn't so much as twitch as he lay her down on the couch cushion on the other side of him. "Your hair looks nice."

"Thanks. It's a good change,"Alexis said, sliding into the empty space next to him. "The kids must have really tired her out."

"I'd say so. She zonked out on the ride home." He glanced at the clock on the wall. "Here's hoping she sleeps on through. Your boxes are in your room whenever you're ready to unpack them."

"Thank you. How was all that time with my dad?"

If there had been any contentment in his eyes when they'd discussed their sleeping daughter, it snuffed out at her question and he took on a distant expression. "It was fine."

She cocked her head. "Just fine?"

"Yeah. He was civil. Almost friendly, really." Kevin rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, avoiding her gaze. "How was your girls' day?"

A crease appeared between Alexis' eyes. Something was off with him. Something in the slouch of his shoulders, the way his eyes inevitably drew downward, away from her. "Umm, it was great. I didn't realize how much I needed that." She nudged his shoulder. "Thanks for taking care of things so I could go enjoy myself."

"You're welcome."

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he answered, his voice flat.

She frowned. "Okay." She didn't believe him for a single moment. "Well there's actually one thing I wanted to talk to you about." She paused for a second, taking a deep breath to steady her nerves. "I want to retake my boards."

That caught his attention. "Really? To be an M.E. again?"

"Maybe. Lanie said I can try shadowing her again. And I could shadow some other doctors, too, if it doesn't work out at the coroner's office. Either way, I want to practice again."

"That's wonderful." He smiled, and she felt her nerves lessen a bit. Perhaps it wasn't such a terrifying thing to admit that she was ready to try for something more than just working for her dad.

"Thanks. Um… the only downside is it'd take away from my time with Rosie. I've got a lot of studying to do, and days at the morgue would eat into that time, too. We'd probably have to hire a sitter. I mean, Dad will help. My family will probably help a lot, but I don't think we should take advantage of their helpfulness."

"Rosie used to have one five days a week, and she did fine." Kevin shrugged. "We'll make sure you have time to study. Retaking your boards…. That's a big deal."

Alexis nodded. "It is. And obviously I'll pay for it—"

"Obviously?"

"Well, yeah. I'm the one who's costing us the sitter, so—"

He frowned. "I don't see it like that."

"I know you don't, but it just seems like the fair thing." She faltered at the expression on Kevin's face. "You disagree?"

"It seems to me that if you're worried about losing time with Rosie and wanting time to study and shadow other doctors, then you should probably cut back on working for your dad. Give yourself some extra hours in the day, you know?"

She shook her head. "But then I can't pay for her sitter."

"I can take care of that."

"That's not our arrangement."

His head cocked to the side, and a his expression became pinched. "Our arrangement?"

"Yeah," Alexis said earnestly. "You wouldn't let me pay for anything because I'm 'saving you so much on childcare.' But if I'm costing extra, then I should be responsible for it."

"Alexis, I don't think that's necessary."

"I do."

"Why?"

"Boundaries. You're pretty much supporting me right now; you won't let me pay you any of the child support I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything—"

" I'm not your girlfriend. Or your wife. I need to pay my own way."

"Then what are you to me? We're living together, we're raising Rosie together. We love each other, don't we?" He took her hand., entwining their fingers. "I kiss you goodbye before I leave in morning. You kiss me goodnight. What does that sound like to you?"

"I…" she stopped. "Well, when you say it like that."

"I'm describing our actual situation, Alexis."

She sighed, gently tugging her hand out of his. How had this turned into an argument about their relationship status? She'd just wanted to lay down a boundary and do this one thing for herself and Rosie. She opted for brutal honesty. "It's been a long time since I've felt self-sufficient, Kevin. Will you please just let me take care of this?"

He looked away, his eyes settling on Rosie, who was still curled up on the couch. "If it's important to you, then I'll support your decision. Just…" He paused. "I know how hard you can push yourself. Try to remember that you don't need to take care of everything by yourself. And for the record, I don't mind helping you, supporting you. I mean, it's the least I can do—"

She frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's nothing. I just don't want you to kill yourself trying to do everything when you don't have to. I can't fix everything for you, but I can at least pay a sitter so you can study."

"Kevin, you don't owe me anything."

His frown matched hers, and he shook his head. "Actually, I do. I owe you a hell of a lot more than I ever thought."

"What?"

"I'm the reason you're in this situation right now."

"No, you're not. What is this even about, Kevin?"

He stood up. "Don't worry about it—"

She grabbed his arm as he tried to walk away. "Kevin. Talk to me."

"I found your journals," he said suddenly. "The box broke and I didn't mean to read them, but I saw my name. And… Christ. I had no idea…. How can you even…. Why didn't you tell me?"

Realization settled in and she let go of him. Her journals. The ones she'd kept boxed up for years. The ones that detailed every broken, hopeless thought she'd had in the aftermath of Nolan's attempt on her life. When she'd woken up in the hospital to find that Kevin had disappeared. "I never meant for you to see those," she said softly.

He ran a hand through his hair. "Well, I get it now, why you're afraid to be with me."

Alexis stood and took his hand, leading him into her bedroom. She guided him to sit on the edge of her twin-sized bed. She didn't want their conversation to wake Rosie, and it most certainly would not be a short discussion.

Boxes lined the wall, and she could see the exact taped-up box that contained all her worst memories, looking misshapen and worse for wear. Why had she held onto all of those journals for so long? She shook her head and glanced at Kevin, who looked like he'd just witnessed a crime. "I'm sorry you saw that, Kevin. It was a long time ago, and I was in a very dark place."

"Because of me." His eyes were shining with emotion.

"You kept a very important secret from me, and even though I understand now why you just wanted to leave it behind you, you still should have told me, Kevin. You should have told a lot of people."

"I know," he whispered, his voice ragged. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry—"

"But you are not responsible for what happened to me that day," she said very firmly. "You weren't the one who abducted me. You didn't put that knife in my chest."

"I should have protected you."

"How? You couldn't have known all of this would happen." He opened his mouth to reply, and she cut him off, "And Kevin, while we're on the topic, you are not responsible for all the shit that's happened in the last few years.

His head shot up, and he almost looked angry. "Yes, I am. I lied to you. And I got you pregnant, and I… I trapped you, Alexis." He swore, rubbing his face in jerky moments.

"Yes, you did." She didn't even blink as she confirmed his words. "But I'm responsible for my own actions. And I was obsessed with finding you. It was unhealthy, and I'm beginning to understand why my dad tried to get me out of New York…" She sighed. "I didn't care about anything else. Every moment, even finishing med school, was just the means to an end. I didn't have a life, or friends, or a good relationship with my family—and that was because of me. Not you.

"I didn't allow myself to even imagine the possibility of a life without you in it. I chose to come back to New York to find you. I chose to sleep with you within the first ten minutes of being back in the same room. I chose to just push on through without using protection. I chose to not tell anyone that I'd seen you… And when I finally came back home, when that nightmare was over, I chose to pretend I was fine and to shove everything under the rug. I chose to run away." She took a seat next to him. "Your lies hurt me. Isolating me from everyone I loved hurt me. But you are not responsible for the way my life is right now. I am." She squeezed his hand.

He didn't answer, and she stood up and began digging through the boxes along the wall.

"What are you doing?" Kevin asked.

"Proving a point." Kneeling on the floor, she dug a small black box out from among the journals and cardboard. She saw in his eyes that he recognized the item immediately.

"How?" he asked.

"Esposito found it in your desk. I think he thought I'd want it." She turned it over with her fingers. "I never opened it."

"Never?"

She shook her head.

"Why not?"

"For a long time, it was a symbol of everything I'd lost, and I didn't want to see that loss up close, you know? But I still couldn't bring myself to let go of it. Just like the journals, I wouldn't let it go." She handed the box to him.

He took his turn with the box, running his fingertips around the edges. "Things were so simple when I bought this ring. Am I an idiot to hope that we can ever get back to this?"

"Maybe." She smiled. "But hope is a hell of a lot better than the alternative."

He glanced down at the box and began fiddling with the lid. In a heartbeat, her hands closed over his. "Don't. Not yet."

"Why?"

She looked up at him, her baby blues locking on his own. "Maybe I don't want to spoil the surprise."

For the first time since she'd walked in the door, the beginning of a smile tugged at his lips.

Alexis stood, looking around her and Rosie's bedroom. "Thanks again for bringing all these boxes in, but I'm gonna need a little more space than this." She picked up the box of journals. "I think these can be the first to go."

His eyes widened. "You don't have to get rid of them on my account."

"It's not for your benefit, Kevin." She shrugged. "It's just time to move on."

* * *

Birthdays had never meant much to Kevin Ryan, at least not after his parents died. And certainly not after he'd skipped out on what remained of his family.

So when he emerged from his bedroom on his birthday, dressed and ready for work, he'd considered it just another Tuesday. Rosie was still curled in her bed, the wild red hair sticking out from under her blanket the only part of her that he could see.

In a surprising turn of events, Alexis was cooking breakfast. Though she was up with him or earlier most mornings now that she was studying to retake her boards, shadowing Lanie, and assisting her dad on the business side of his writing career, Alexis had never been one to cook a big meal first thing in the morning. She grinned when he walked in. "Happy birthday!" She pressed a kiss against his cheek and offered him a mug of fresh coffee.

"Thanks." He took a sip of coffee. "You didn't have to do all this. Don't you need to be getting to the library soon?"

"It's your birthday, Kevin. Studying can wait a little longer." She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I know birthdays aren't a big deal to you, but I can't say I share your view."

"A Castle who loves to celebrate," he said dryly, hiding his smile behind his coffee mug. "How surprising."

"But I am honoring your views tonight," she continued as though she hadn't heard him. "Which is why I'm planning a quiet night at home."

His eyebrows raised. "Really?"

She nodded. "I figure we can order pizza and cannoli from that place you like."

"And that's it?"

"I won't pretend it's not killing me inside." She placed a plated omelet with the letter "37" written in ketchup on the kitchen table. "Now eat your breakfast, old man."

Laughter bubbled out of his chest, and he tucked into his birthday omelet. "Yes, ma'am."

* * *

"Surprise!"

Kevin stopped in his tracks, his heart threatening to jump out of his chest, his keys still in his hand. He'd just gotten home from work, had just barely stepped foot in the apartment. Alexis, Rosie, Brigid, Kate, Johanna, Javier, Shields, and Castle all stood in the heavily decorated living room, which looked like a party supply store had thrown up in it.

Kevin grinned as Alexis approached him, Rosie toddling along beside her. His daughter held out a party hat. "You're a liar, Alexis Castle," he teased.

She grinned. "And you're delusional if you actually believed we weren't going to celebrate."

He kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

Rosie clutched at him, and he scooped her in his arms. She pressed a sloppy kiss to his face. "Hap birfday, Da."

"Thank you, sweetheart."

He looked up to see the group watching them expectantly. Kate and Javi were smiling, while Castle watched with an expression Kevin couldn't identify. Kevin was at once reminded of their conversation at Alexis' apartment, and he wondered if Castle was brooding for Alexis' sake or for his own.

Shields came over, offering Kevin a beer. "Good surprise, huh?"

"You might have told me."

The man shook his head. "And risk Alexis' wrath? I don't have a death wish."

"Smart man," Alexis said and turned back to Kevin. "I wasn't lying about the pizza, though. Would you like some?"

He nodded. "Please."

The party went surprisingly smoothly. Much more so than the last one he'd hosted at his apartment. Like her father, Alexis knew how to throw a party, and their small group of guests seemed to enjoy the time together. The abundant pizza and drinks didn't hurt, either.

Kevin stood on the fringes of the party, sipping a soda and watching Alexis, Johanna, Castle, and Rosie playing together. Brigid came to stand beside him. "Happy birthday, _deartháir_."

"Thanks, sis." He hugged her tightly. "I'm glad you're here."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." She smiled softly. "We're long overdue for some celebrating."

"I am surprised though. I thought you and Alexis weren't speaking."

"She called me not long after she came back to Manhattan and apologized. Things are better now.

"Good."

"What's wrong?" Brigid asked.

"Why would something be wrong?"

"You've got that look. That sad look." She followed his gaze. "Shouldn't looking at her make you happy?"

Kevin sighed. He'd never been able to hide things from his sister. "I just…. I guess I'm just wondering whether I've done the right thing by sticking around. Maybe she would have been better off if I hadn't come back. Maybe they both would have been."

She frowned. "What's this about?"

He sighed. "Just a feeling."

"Kevin, you're the one who brought her back."

"She would have found her way back on her own."

"I'm sure you're right. But you helped her find her way back sooner."

"I guess so."

"If you could take it all back and go back in time five years, would you?"

Kevin looked at the life around him, the people in the room, the two beautiful redheads his world revolved around. With a shaky sigh, he shook his head. "No. I wouldn't take it back."

Kevin had felt a little better after talking with Alexis about her journals, and there was now an unused engagement ring burning a hole in his sock drawer, but he still couldn't shake the doubt. That nagging feeling that told him he was asking for more than he deserved, and that Alexis and Rosie were settling for less than they deserved.

Brigid nudged him with her shoulder. "There's your answer. Now smile. You're supposed to be happy on your birthday."

He forced something like a smile to his face, though he was sure it looked more like a grimace. His sister snorted and patted his back. "You might wanna keep practicing, Kev. Thank God Roisin takes after her mother, huh?"

His lips tugged upward into a real smile, and Brigid nodded in approval. "That's the winner."

* * *

"Did you have a good time?" Alexis asked.

He and Alexis were loading dishes into the dishwasher after the party. Their guests had gone home for the night.

"I did."

"It wasn't too much?"

He shook his head. "It was just right. Thank you, by the way."

"Don't thank me yet. You've still got presents to open." She took the dishrag from his hand and placed it on the counter, then tugged him into the living room.

"More?" he asked, taking a seat on the edge of the couch.

"Feeling spoiled yet?" She placed a wrapped gift on his lap and sat next to him.

His fingers teased over the square edges. "Who's this from?"

"Me." She smiled shyly. "Open it."

Warm unfurled across his chest as he tugged open the paper, revealing a leather-bound book. He opened the cover and was met with a picture of Alexis holding a red-headed newborn. He recognized the setting. It was the NICU Rosie had stayed in when she'd been born. IV lines were still connected to the baby's hands and wrists in the picture, and Alexis looked the same kind of tired and frazzled that he recalled from the night Rosie was born. The picture hadn't been taken long after Shields had taken him away.

"I don't understand," he said.

Alexis was watching him expectantly. "Turn the pages."

He followed her lead, and each page revealed a new memory, a new picture of a stage of Rosie's life that he'd never gotten to see. There were countless NICU pictures, cataloguing Rosie's growth and progress. In one picture, Alexis held the much bigger infant in her arms, standing in front of the window at the loft. A banner was draped across the window in the background, reading "Welcome Home!"

Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. "Alexis…"

"I wanted to give you a chance to catch up on what you missed…" She touched the picture. "That's when Rosie came home from the NICU. She was about ten weeks old at that point." She turned the page, revealing some staged pictures, most of which featured the baby wearing some sort of scowl.

"Dad and I took her to get her newborn shots done. She was still really small even though this was at about thirteen weeks. She wasn't a fan of the pictures and cried through most of it."

Kevin lost track of time after that. It ceased to have meaning as Alexis walked him through all the pictures in the album, describing the circumstances of each photo and how they fit into Rosie's life. It wasn't the same as actually getting to watch his daughter grow up in her first year of life, but it was a close second. Kevin felt he had some memories, secondhand though they were, to insert into that terrible blank year.

The last photo was Halloween, a matter of weeks before he'd returned. Rosie was dressed up as the most adorable little lion he'd ever seen. Alexis was with her, in a very subdued lion tamer outfit that matched her father's. "It was a very circus-ey theme," she explained with a small smile. That smile twisted to a frown for a moment.

"What's the matter?" Kevin asked.

"It's just… I don't look very happy, do I?"

He looked back down to the picture. She didn't. He could see the beginnings of the hollowed-out woman she'd been when she left Manhattan. The smile on her lips didn't come anywhere near her eyes. If anything, she just looked tired.

Alexis leaned closer, reaching over to turn the pages of the album. That ghost of smile stayed through almost all the pictures. She stood up and pulled a small photo frame off the end table. It was a candid picture of Alexis and Rosie from the carnival they'd gone to together when they'd been in the Hamptons.

She set the photo next to the Halloween picture. The difference couldn't be more startling. Where Alexis was all papery-white skin and sharp cheekbones and glazed eyes on Halloween, in the bright sunlight of the Hamptons, a mere six months later, she looked healthy and vibrant. She was smiling at something Rosie had done, cradling the little girl to her chest. Contentment radiated from the blue in both of their eyes.

"You look happy there," he said.

She smiled. "Yeah, I do."

"Are you happy now?"

"I think I am. Happier than I've been in a long time, at least."

"I'm glad." Relief flooded through him. Maybe he hadn't ruined things. Maybe there was still hope, after all.

"This is so thoughtful." He smiled as he closed the book. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome. Happy birthday." She leaned in and brushed her lips over his. It was a simple thing, but it still left his heart racing in his chest.

"It's the happiest one in years," he said softly, threading his fingers through hers.

"I guess you don't need anymore presents, then." She handed over a small gift bag.

"There's more?" He reached inside and pulled out a dark blue tie. After the photo book, the tie seemed somewhat anticlimactic, but as it was a gift from Alexis, he knew he'd cherish it all the same. "Thank you," he smiled. "I love it."

"You're about to love it even more." She touched the tie. "I want you to wear this when you take me on a date Friday." Her eyes flicked up to his, and she seemed to be holding back a grin.

His heart stopped. "Really?"

"Really."

"I…" He knew he must have an idiotic grin on his face. "Are you sure? I mean, I don't want to pressure you. I know you've been wanting to take things slow—"

She pressed a finger against his lips to stop the words spilling out of his mouth. "It's been over five years since our last date. I think we're long overdue."

"And you're sure you want this?"

"It's one date, Kevin, not a marriage proposal—"

"It's still a big step. I mean," he squeezed her fingers, "I've been hoping for it all along. I just want to make sure you're ready."

"I want to move forward." She smiled softly and let her fingertips drag over his jaw as she leaned into him. "It's time to give this a real shot."

* * *

Author's Note: Fluffy enough for you guys? ;) I hope you enjoyed the newest installment! Please please please review!


	23. Chapter 23

The Weight of Us

by

A.K. Hunter

Chapter Twenty-Three

"I had a dream." —Priscilla Ahn, "Dream"

* * *

Alexis couldn't believe that, after everything, it felt like their first date all over again.

She'd put on makeup for the first time in recent memory, along with a dark green, sleeveless dress she'd gotten years ago and hadn't had an occasion to wear. It hugged her frame a bit more snugly than it had in med school, but looking herself up and down in the mirror, she found she didn't mind. She twirled a little bit to fully appreciate the effect. Rosie looked up from Alexis' makeup kit, where she'd been painting her cheeks with eyeshadow, and giggled.

"How do I look, baby girl?" Alexis asked.

"Cute," Rosie cooed. She abandoned the makeup kit and joined her mother in front of the full-length mirror and spun in a clumsy circle, one hand in her mother's.

"Think your daddy will like the dress?"

"He loves the dress," answered Kevin from the doorway, a small smile on his face. Still dressed in the slacks and pressed white shirt he'd worn to the office that morning, he'd switched out the plain black tie for the one she'd gotten him for his birthday.

Heat rushed over her cheekbones, and her eyes dropped back down to Rosie, who was toddling over to her father. "I didn't hear you come in."

"You look amazing." He stepped into the bedroom, swooping Rosie into his arms on the way, and brushed a kiss over her cheekbone. "I'm the luckiest man in the world."

"And don't you forget it." Alexis slipped into a pair of kitten heels and grabbed Rosie's overnight bag. "You ready to go?"

"I'm ready when you are."

Soon, Rosie was buckled into her carseat and they left for the loft, where Rosie would have a sleepover with her grandparents and Johanna. It had been Alexis' suggestion to have a completely child-free night, and Kevin had seemed surprised when she'd suggested it. Still, she was determined to give her date with Kevin a real chance, and getting a break from parenting could only help things in that regard.

"How does Grandpa feel about about taking Rosie for a night?" Kevin asked on the ride to the loft.

"Resigned, mostly. He's got a lot of fun things planned for the kids. I think he's focusing on them so he doesn't have to worry about us."

Kevin laughed. "Fair enough."

They dropped Rosie off with a kiss and a hug each, and a promise that they see her in the morning. Her dad had given Alexis a hug and managed to pat Kevin awkwardly pat on the shoulder before ushering Rosie off to the princess castle he'd converted his writing den into for the night.

"He's really trying, huh?" Alexis asked Kate.

"I think he's coming around." She smiled at them. "You two look great together."

Alexis glanced up at Kevin, blushing as he squeezed her hand. "Thanks."

"Have fun tonight." Kate hugged them both. "We'll see you in the morning."

Johanna waived at them from the doorway, already dressed in her favorite Elsa costume. If Rosie had any anxiety about being separated from her parents, it had dried up in the face of all the glitter and pink.

On the walk to the elevator, Alexis slipped her hand into Kevin's. "It's just the two of us now."

"Does that bother you?" he asked.

She shook her head as they stepped into the elevator. "It's different. It's been a long time."

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.

Alexis smiled, leaning into him. "I'm sure."

"Because I'd understand if you need more time—"

She brushed her lips over his to silence him. "I don't need more time. I told you, I'm ready. I want to move forward."

He kissed her back, but there was still something off, some hesitation.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"It feels sort of sudden. I thought I'd have to wait a lot longer before we got to experience this."

"Would you like to wait longer?" Her tone was teasing, but her question was genuine. She didn't want to push him beyond what he was comfortable with.

He shook his head. "I just want you to be sure."

"I'm sure, Kevin." She tugged on his tie. "Now kiss me."

"If you insist," he grinned.

* * *

After dropping Rosie off with her grandparents, Kevin had taken her to a new seafood place in Midtown and then to a screening of Singin' in the Rain at a nearby art house. Even without Rosie buffering, the date had been surprisingly effortless.

Their conversations had been light and engaging and through it all, Alexis found herself pressing closer to Kevin, laughing at his anecdotes from the FBI analyst desk, her cheeks heating at his intense focus when she told him the story of the first time her father had made her try salmon. His laughter was infectious, and his smiles made her stomach flip-flop. How had she ever been afraid of this? It felt so easy, so normal, and she clung to that feeling with all her might.

More than once during dinner, they'd taken short breaks from their food to steal kisses from each other. Alexis couldn't seem to keep herself from touching him, and though he was a little more reserved, Kevin seemed to enjoy the contact. During the movie, she'd rested her head on his shoulder, and his arm laid across her backrest. Sometime around "Good Morning," she'd lifted her head to kiss him, and they hadn't come up for air till the credits began to roll.

That was how, later that evening, she found herself pressed against the door to their apartment, Kevin's hands secure on her waist as he dropped a line of kisses down her neck. Her lips were swollen, and she'd never felt more needy in her entire life.

"Are you doing alright?" Kevin asked, his teeth nibbling at her earlobe. He'd asked her that question periodically throughout the night, as if waiting for her to hit some sort of boundary. She hadn't reached it yet. Alexis mewled in response, pulling him flush against her by front of his shirt.

He pulled away from her. His lips were swollen, his cheeks were flushed, and his pupils were dilated. Still, he searched her face for any sign of distress. "Alexis?"

"I'm fine," she breathed. "Don't stop." Then she pressed her lips against his again, her teeth catching his bottom lip and making him groan into her mouth. Then she was lost again as desire coiled ever tighter low in her belly.

With each kiss, each groan, each brush of his fingers up her sides, down her neck, through her hair, she felt as if Kevin was erasing another invisible mark trauma had left behind. It was exhilarating, and Alexis wanted them all gone. She was moving forward, she was going to be free of the past. She was hungry in ways she'd thought impossible, and she clung to that novel sensation, the frail hope wrapped up in her desire.

She walked them backward, bumping into walls and doorways and furniture along the way, until they stumbled onto Kevin's bed. She crawled into his lap, continuing their kiss.

"Hey." Kevin broke away from her mouth. "We're moving a little fast here, don't you think?"

"Nope." She pressed a line of kisses down his neck, her fingers fumbling with his tie.

He caught her hands in his. "Alexis, stop."

"I don't want to stop."

"I think we need to talk."

She paused, keeping her eyes low. His words were like cold water, and old fears rose to the surface. _Broken. Worthless. No one wants—_

"Look at me, please."

She lifted her gaze to his, her heart racing with fear rather than desire. There was a crease between his eyebrows and a frown twisting his lips. Her eyes dropped back down to his shirt as tears blurred her vision. "You don't want me."

His hands cupped her face, tilting her gaze back up to meet his. He looked even more displeased than before, and Alexis felt her lower lip tremble. Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes and he gently wiped them away.

"I do want you," he said firmly. "I will always want you, Alexis. Always. But this… this is another big step. And I'm not sure I believe you're ready for this. For any of this."

"I am ready," she insisted. "I'm moving forward—"

"You've mentioned that a lot lately."

"You don't think I can?"

His expression softened. "I think you're trying to rush through something that needs time."

She shook her head. "You don't understand."

"Then please explain it to me."

She sighed. "I need this, Kevin."

"What do you need?"

"You. Kissing me. Touching me."

"I am touching you." He smiled gently.

She bit her lip, her heart racing, old sickness on the edge of her psyche. "He was the last person to touch me… like that. And I can still feel it, like a stain that never washes off. I need it to go away. I need to feel something new. Someone new." She forced herself to meet his eyes. "And I want that someone to be you."

His posture had gone stiff, and his expression was pinched with sadness. "Why me?"

A small smile tugged at her lips. "You're everything I want. Everything I need."

She watched her words send him back years earlier, to a time when things were infinitely less complicated, when he'd been the one assuring her of his devotion. His expression softened and he brushed his lips over her forehead. "I love you more than anything. You know that, right?"

"I do."

"You know I'd never hurt you."

"I know. I trust you, Kevin."

"You know what this means to me," he said, his voice almost pleading. "You know if we do this—"

"I know," she assured him. "And I want this. I want you. Please?"

"You have to tell me if you need to stop, okay?"

"I will."

"You have to talk to me," he insisted. "You have to be honest with me."

"I will. I promise." She leaned into him. "Can we…"

He answered her by sealing his lips against hers, nipping at her full bottom lip to coax her mouth open. She gasped against his lips, smiling at how cleverly he'd used her own ammunition against her.

Alexis' hands fumbled with his tie again, and this time he didn't stop her from loosening it until he could slip it over his head.

His hands stayed on her hips, a warm anchor, as she began to unbutton his shirt. Her hands trembled a bit as she fumbled with the buttons, but he was patient, letting her finish her task regardless of how long it took her.

"You okay?"

"Nervous," she admitted.

"I don't expect anything from you, Alexis. We can stop now if you're not ready."

"I don't want to stop." With a deep breath, she pushed his shirt over his shoulders and down his arms. Her eyes were immediately caught by the scarred, black mark on his chest. The Celtic knot he'd had tattooed over his heart years ago. The bullet wound had turned the knot into something tangled and misshapen. She pressed her fingertips against the mark.

She met his eyes. "Sometimes I forget you have scars, too."

He took her hand, pressing a kiss to each of her fingertips, then her palm, then the inside of her wrist. His hands sank into her hair and he tilted her head back, tasting her lips once more. Alexis let him take the lead, let him slip his arms out of the shirt and push the straps of her dress down her shoulders. He dropped a line of kisses up her shoulder to the cradle of her neck, then nipped at her pulse point.

She gasped, squirming on his lap at the sensation. Something hard pressed between her legs through the layers of fabric, and her heart skipped up into a new rhythm. Kevin gently pushed her off his lap and then stood with her, chest to chest. He kissed her deeply, his tongue moving against hers as he tugged down the zipper of her dress, his fingertips ghosting all the way to her lower back.

His nose brushed against her cheek. "You doing alright?"

"Uh-huh," Alexis managed. Her fingers explored the planes of his chest and the ridges of his abdomen. Goosebumps rose on her newly exposed skin, but she wasn't cold.

Kevin stepped back, and Alexis allowed the dress to pool around her feet. Dressed in only a strapless bra and her underwear, heat crawled down her neck as Kevin took her in. The last time he'd seen her like this, she'd been several months pregnant. Her fingers itched to cover the silvery scar between her breasts and the stretch marks around her hips.

"You are the most beautiful woman I've ever known." He stepped close again, brushing a lock of hair behind her shoulder. His fingertips skimmed up her sides, tickling her just the slightest bit.

She giggled, the tension in her chest loosening. "You're not so bad, yourself."

He kissed her, his hands once again anchoring her hips, and she felt his erection press against her once more. Her breath stuttered out of her a bit. She reached for his belt, her fingers trembling as she worked the cool leather through the loop. She fumbled with the button of his slacks, once, twice, before it finally slipped free of the eyehole and she made quick work of his zipper. Her hand slipped inside his slacks, palming his erection through his underwear. Distantly, she heard him groan as chills slipped down her spine. Everything about that moment was both comforting and terrifying in its familiarity.

She reached for the waistband of his underwear, but Kevin stopped her before she could touch him. He pulled her hands away, entwining their fingers.

"Breathe, Alexis."

Wasn't she breathing? She pulled in a gulp of air, finding her lungs tight and her muscles rigid. Tears pricked at her eyes. Her lungs burned and a metallic taste filled her mouth.

 _Broken. Worthless. Can't even do this one, simple thing._

"It's okay. Just breathe." Kevin's arms wrapped around her, and she clutched him like a lifeline, trembling from all her old fears come to life. He stroked her hair, holding her and whispering sweet nothings until her muscles unlocked, until her lungs remembered how to pull in oxygen and push out carbon dioxide.

Her knees buckled and she all but collapsed on the edge of the bed, crossing her arms over her chest, feeling both overexposed and idiotic in her lingerie. Kevin perched himself next to her and slipped his button-down shirt over her shoulders. She gratefully pushed her arms into the sleeves, wrapping it tight around her. Alexis' nerves were soothed somewhat by the scent of him that rose up from the fabric.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," Kevin said softly. "This was always a possibility."

"Yet you still agreed to this."

"Would you like to try again?" he asked.

Her eyes widened. "You want to try again?"

"Maybe something a little different." He smiled at her, resting a hand on the part of her thigh that his shirt covered. "But it's your choice."

"You… you really want to keep going?"

"I told you. I'll always want you."

Alexis took a deep breath and nodded. She wanted a win. She needed a win. Kevin leaned in to kiss her, and his fingers drew patterns on her thighs. She felt the tension between her shoulders dissipate, replaced by that delicious tightness low in her belly as he stoked her desire back to life.

A single fingertip dragged over her folds, separated by the thin fabric of her underwear. Sensation zinged from her head to her toes, and she gasped. With a grin, Kevin repeated the act, this time grinding his palm against her hungry bundle of nerves. A load moan ripped from her throat.

"Lay back," he whispered.

Kevin kneeled on the floor in front of her, lifting one leg then the other to drape over his shoulders. For a potent string of seconds, he held her hips in his hands, pressing kisses up her thighs, allowing her to feel the heat of his breath on the most delicate part of her body. She squirmed in his grip, eager for more, and desire lanced through her as he moved her underwear out of the way, then began to lap at her folds.

His touch was gentle, but thorough, and there wasn't room for panic or anxiety. Every thought escaped her, save for the please please please she chanted over and over as he pushed her higher and higher.

Kevin's tongue caressed her clit as a single finger rocked in and out of her, curling just right and lighting up her synapses. Her moans grew pitchy, then a shriek erupted as she found her pleasure. At the apex of her release, she felt his teeth dig into the fleshy part of her thigh. Pain turned the pleasure into a kind of nerve-fraying ecstasy.

"Kevin!" she squeaked.

He responded burying his face deeper in her folds and lapping at her over sensitive nerve endings until another orgasm washed over her, her body bucking with the force of her release. She lay gasping and boneless, her mind peacefully quiet, absent of everything except bliss.

Kevin appeared on the mattress next to her, wiping her juices from his mouth with the back of his hand. "I'd forgotten how good you taste."

"I'd forgotten how good you are at that," she responded, her voice hoarse.

"Maybe now you won't forget it." He took her hand and pulled her to sit up. "Let's get ready for bed. My pillow's calling my name."

She blinked. "But you haven't finished."

"All I want right now is to spoon a pretty redhead."

Her eyes flicked down to his groin. "Are you sure? I can… I can return the favor." Even as she said the words, that all-too-familiar panic began to smother her chest.

Kevin nodded, then brushed a kiss over her lips. "I'm sure."

"But—"

He kissed her again, a little harder this time, and she got a taste of herself on his tongue. When they came up for air, he cupped her face in his hands. "We've covered a lot of ground tonight, and I'm proud of you. I hope you're proud of yourself, too." He stepped back. "Now, what're your thoughts on that spooning proposition?"

Despite herself, Alexis felt a smile tugging at her lips. "I think that sounds nice."

Sometime later, Alexis stretched out in Kevin's bed, his shirt wrapped around her, his body offering a line of warmth down her back. They lay together in the dark, her back pressed against his chest, and he drew circles on her bare stomach beneath the shirt. It felt like old times, like all those nights and mornings spent in that exact position, talking softly as Kevin felt Rosie's movements beneath Alexis' skin.

"What'd you think of our date?" Kevin asked. "Was it everything you hoped it would be?"

"Better in some ways," she answered. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"I was hoping you'd say that."

She smiled. "Got big plans?"

"Guess you'll have to wait and see, huh?"

Alexis entwined their fingers, her eyelids growing heavy. "Mmm…"

He kissed the back of her neck, just below her ear. "I love you, Alexis."

She smiled sleepily, pictures already beginning to dance behind her eyelids. "Love you, too."

* * *

Kevin jerked awake, the sensation like missing a step going down the stairs. Groggy and disoriented, he tried to figure out what had pulled him from the most peaceful sleep he'd had in ages. He reached his arm out across the mattress, finding nothing. Alexis wasn't there, her back pressed up against his chest.

New sounds slipped into his consciousness, sniffling, tiny gasps. A whimper. Kevin fumbled with the lamp on his nightstand until it flicked on, dousing his bedroom in its warm glow. His gaze was almost immediately pulled to the huddled form in corner, just a few feet away from him. His heart stopped in its tracks.

"Alexis?"

His shirt still wrapped tightly around her, Alexis was curled into a ball, one hand pressed over her mouth as if she was trying to muffle her own cries.

"Alexis?" he asked, panic seeping into his veins. He sat up, kicking his legs over the edge of the bed, and rushed over to her.

She kept her huddled position, whimpering and trembling. Kevin reached out to her, and she jumped the moment his fingertips made contact with her shoulder. She began to sob.

"Hey…." He kneeled next to her. "What's the matter?"

She just shook her head, still trembling, cowering in the corner of his bedroom. He took her hands in his, prying them away from her face. Her eyes were bloodshot; her face was wet with tears. Her skin was pale as the white button down wrapped around her frame. She jerked back from his touch, trying to free her hands from his. He held on tight, determined to understand what was happening.

Fresh tears tracked down her cheeks as she stared at him with animal panic, her eyes unfocused and rabid. Her voice was little more than a broken whimper. "Please don't hurt her."

His heart dropped into his stomach. "I don't… Alexis, what are you talking about?"

"I'm sorry. I'll be good. I'll be good for you. Please don't hurt her."

Shock made his hands let go of hers. She wrapped her arms around herself, watching him like a small animal would stare down a predator. Horror washed over him. Alexis was having a flashback. Caught in her own mind.

"It's me. It's Kevin," he said softly.

Her eyes tracked over him, confusion setting in, something like recognition settling into their empty depths. "He killed you."

"I survived. So did you."

She shook her head, covering her face with her hands again. Alexis drew in another ragged gasp, her facing becoming impossibly more pale. Her hands fell to her stomach. "W-where's Rosie?" she cried.

"She's fine. She's with your dad and Kate, remember?"

Her body shook with sobs, her breath coming in short gasps. "H-He took her. He took her f-from me."

"No," he said firmly, more sharply than he'd intended. "No, he didn't. She's safe. You're safe. It's all over."

"Worthless," she mumbled, shaking her head wildly. "C-couldn't s-s-save her."

He took her hands again, attempting to squeeze some warmth into her icy fingers. "You did protect her. You saved her."

She hiccuped in response, her panic and grief smothering the breath out of her. "I… I… c-can't…"

Kevin lifted her into his arms, cradling her shaking form in his lap. "Just breathe, okay?"

"S-so s-s-sorry." Each inhale was a gasp torn from her lungs, and each exhale was an animal cry, like her soul was being torn in two.

"Alexis, listen to me." He cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him, so close their noses were almost touching. " _Rosie is safe_. Say it."

"R-ros-sie's," she stuttered, fresh tears tracking down her face. "Safe."

" _You are safe_. Say it."

She wheezed in another pathetic breath. "I-I'm s-s-safe."

"Good. Say it again. Rosie's safe."

Alexis did her best to follow him, repeating his words again and again, until she could speak without hiccup or stutter.

"Good. Just like that," he praised. "Just breathe. You're safe now. Rosie's safe."

He allowed her to bury her face in his neck, and he felt her breathing slow and deepen. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, repeating his mantra over and over.

Finally, she lifted her head from his neck, her expression no longer glazed with panic. "Kevin?"

"I'm here. I'm right here."

She looked around the bedroom, and understanding set in, turning her lips into a trembling frown. "I'm so sorry."

His arms wrapped around her again, and he buried his face in her neck, drawing in a shuddering breath. She wasn't the only one in need of comfort. "It's okay. You're okay. You're okay."

After a few beats, he felt her weakly pushing him back. "I'm cold."

He let go and helped her up off his lap, standing up behind her. She leaned into him, her body still trembling, her skin still pale, and he helped her sit back in bed, pulling the sheet and comforter up around her.

"Is that better?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Do you want anything?"

"Water."

He rushed to the kitchen, and it wasn't until tap water began filling the glass that Kevin allowed himself to react to what he'd just seen.

He was going to be ill. Violently ill. He knew she had PTSD, but he'd never seen her caught up in it so completely. Kevin pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes, trying to staunch the tears that were forming there. Trying to staunch the guilt and desperation pumping through him with every heartbeat. He braced himself against the countertop, drawing in shuddering breaths, a sob catching every so often.

Should he call Castle? Kate? He spare a wild-eyed glance at the clock on the stove. Just past midnight. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to help her? He thought of their intimacy, of the emotional strain that simply touching him had caused her. She'd seemed to rally after they'd stopped. She'd seemed to enjoy the way he'd touched her. She'd seemed happy. She'd told him she loved him. He shook his head. Now wasn't the time to dissect her trauma. He hurried back to the bedroom, some water sloshing over the side of the cup in his haste.

"Here." He handed her the cup, but she didn't drink. Her eyes had begun to glaze again. She was retreating back inside her mind.

"Hey." He touched her cheek. "Stay with me, okay? Stay here with me."

Alexis blinked a few times, then looked down at the glass in her hands. "Thank you." She gulped down the water, and he set the glass on the bedside table.

"Do you want to lay back down?" he asked.

She nodded again. She looked exhausted, defeated, entirely lost.

Once they lay back down, she curled into him, resting her head on his chest.

He gently squeezed her fingers. "I love you," he said.

She squeezed them back.

A terrible sort of silence settled in, and Kevin wasn't sure if she was falling back asleep or if he needed to keep her talking, keep her lucid.

"I couldn't move," she said softly.

"What?"

"I woke up, and I couldn't move. Your arm was holding me down." Her voice broke, turning into a sob. "I thought you were him. I thought I was back with him."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"I thought I was getting better." The hitch in her voice broke his heart.

He kissed her forehead. "You should try to get some sleep. I'm sure things will be better in the morning." He forced his lips to smile. Alexis moved closer, and he stroked her hair, his mind miles away from the present.

After what felt like a lifetime of quiet sobs, her breath finally evened out and she slipped back into an uneasy sleep.

Sleep didn't come for Kevin that night.

* * *

Author's Note: Anybody out there? I hope you guys are still reading and enjoying.

Please review! I'd love to hear from you.


	24. Chapter 24

The Weight of Us

By

A.K. Hunter

"I see you." —Penny and Sparrow, "Duet"

Chapter Twenty-Four

* * *

Once again, Alexis found herself in an exam room, sitting on the crinkly paper guard on the exam table, waiting her turn to see the doctor. She thought about all the other ways she could be using an hour out of her afternoon: studying, catching up on the bookkeeping for her dad's business, shadowing Lanie, saving the money on a sitter and spending the time in the park with Rosie. She idly turned her left wrist over, wincing at the twinge of pain that flared up her arm and sighed. Maybe Kevin was right.

There was a knock at the door, and then Dr. Greg Matthews opened the door and stepped into the room. "Hey, stranger," he said with a tight smile.

She forced a smile to her lips. "Hi, Greg. It's good to see you."

"You too." He took a seat across from her. "What can I help you with?"

She frowned a little at his curt, professional tone. Not that she deserved much better. He'd been a good, kind, and reliable friend to her and she'd blown him off completely. Ran out on him on New Year's Eve and didn't bother to call even when she'd come back to New York.

She held out her wrist, which was visibly swollen. "I hurt my wrist a couple nights ago. I'm sure it's just a sprain, but Kevin wanted me to get it checked out."

If he was surprised to hear her mention Rosie's father so casually, he didn't show it. "Does it hurt now?" Greg gently cradled her wrist, turning and rotating it, noticing her wince. "Right. How did you hurt it?"

She hesitated. "I think I fell out of bed."

A crease appeared between his eyebrows. "You... think?"

"I um… I was having an episode," she explained, her face heating under his scrutiny. "And I don't remember all of it. But I was in a hurry to get out of my bed, and I think I fell on my wrist. I'm sure it's just a sprain. I didn't even notice it was hurting until I tried to pick Rosie up the next morning."

"I'll order an x-ray, and we can see what's going on." He typed a few things into his computer and then turned his gaze back onto her. "How often are you having these episodes?"

"It was just one. Before the other night, well, it'd been at least six months…" she trailed off. "Anyway, I have a therapist now. She's been helping me."

"And you're doing better?"

"I used to think so." She sighed. "Listen, I'm really sorry I've been such a terrible friend for the past…" she paused, doing the math in her head, "eight months. God, I really am the worst friend. I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to apologize—"

"Yes, I do. I was a mess, and you were just trying to help and I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you more. You're a good friend." She cleared her throat. "And while we're on the subject, I'm sorry I didn't let you know I was safe."

"Your dad and Kevin kept me in the loop." The shadow of a real smile showed on his face. "You scared the hell out of me, Red."

"I'm sorry."

"So how long have you been back in town?"

"A few months—"

The tech knocked on the door, ready to take Alexis for her x-ray.

"Ah. To be continued," Greg said. "I'll be back in once I've had a chance to review the films, okay?"

Alexis nodded and allowed herself to be guided to the x-ray room. Through the procedure, she felt a growing sense of unease. Please don't let it be broken. Even since her episode, Kevin had treated her like glass, like she would shatter at any moment and he was just waiting to pick up the jagged pieces that remained. Adding a self-inflicted injury hadn't helped the matter, and he'd been adamant that she get it checked out despite her assurance that it was just a sprain. Still, Alexis didn't want another reason for him to look at her with those hollow eyes.

She was brought back to her room and waited for another twenty minutes for Greg to come back in and give her the news.

"Well," he said, showing her the X-ray, "It's a little more than a sprain. See that?" He indicated a barely-there line along her radius.

"Hairline fracture," Alexis answered with a frown.

He nodded, setting the x-ray aside and rummaging through the drawers in the exam room until he found a black wrist brace. "You'll need to use a brace for about a month, but honestly there's no reason it shouldn't heal perfectly. Just wear your brace and avoid stressing it." He smiled. "Maybe take a break from picking up Rosie. Do you need anything for the pain?"

"It's bearable with ibuprofen. I don't think I need anything stronger than that," she said, her stomach sinking as she watched him confine her wrist inside the brace.

"It's really nothing serious, Alexis," he said, misinterpreting her disappointment. "It shouldn't inconvenience you too much, and you'll be one-hundred percent again before you know it."

She shook her head. "It's not that."

His expression had gone introspective again as he watched her fiddle with the brace. "Hey, I've got one more patient, and then I've got a couple hours open. Can I take you to lunch? You look like you need someone to talk to."

Blinking back tears, she nodded. "That'd be great."

* * *

"What's on your mind, Red?" he asked when they'd been seated.

Alexis twisted her napkin in her hands. "How much have you pieced together about my abduction?"

"Well, I know that you were missing for about seven months. You were abducted from a crime scene. I know Kevin worked with the FBI to help bring you back. I can assume you were pregnant for the duration of your abduction. And I can assume that you experience some… ugly things. How am I doing so far?"

It was a gross simplification of the events she'd experienced, but he wasn't wrong. And Alexis didn't care to fill him in on the pieces he was missing, especially where Kevin was concerned. She took a deep breath. "The last few weeks of my abduction, I was… assaulted. Repeatedly." She felt chills brush over her skin. "I was about eight months pregnant by then."

Greg reached across the table and gently squeezed her hand. "I'm so sorry, Alexis."

"Me, too." She cleared her throat. "But it's been well over a year and a half since I escaped. And I thought that I was getting better, but… maybe I'm not." She raised her broken wrist as proof. "Maybe I'm just trading in one set of triggers for another."

"You know what triggered your episode?"

She nodded. "I have a pretty good idea, yeah."

"Well that makes it easier to avoid having another episode then, right?"

"Not when the thing that triggered you is something you want." She looked back down at her hands. "Kevin and I are… dating, I guess. We're seeing if we can make it work. And it seemed like it was going well, until it wasn't. I just wanted to have a normal night, you know? A date, a chance to spend some time together, a chance for some intimacy after so long…"

"And that triggered your episode," Greg finished for her.

"And you know the worst part? It's not the fact that I was so close to feeling like me again, and it's not the fact that I didn't get what I want, and it's not even the episode itself. It's Kevin. It's the way he looks at me now. Like he's expecting me to fall apart any second. Like he doesn't see me anymore; he just sees this broken person who lost touch with reality."

He nodded. "I know what you mean. It was like that with my brother, except I was in Kevin's shoes. It scared the hell out of me to know that Daniel could forget where he was and who he was with. It was dangerous for him and everyone around him."

"Like a ticking time bomb."

"Exactly."

"I think Kevin's waiting for me to blow us all to pieces."

"Honestly, it can be very traumatic for people to witness their loved ones dealing with PTSD. It probably wouldn't hurt for him to see a therapist as well." Greg smiled sadly. "It helped me after Daniel passed away, and I wish I had gotten help sooner."

Alexis nodded. "That's a good idea."

"But, as much as you can, try not to distract yourself from your own rehabilitation. Are you coping okay after that episode? Have you reached out to your therapist?"

"I'm okay, really. I did talk to her the day after my episode, but… I'm honestly more disappointed than anything else. I sort of remember that night. Waking up and being afraid, thinking that I was back with my abuser, thinking that I had to get away, to keep Rosie safe... " She shook her head. "I remember it, but it felt like a dream. It's like there's all these layers between the me I am now and the person I was that night.

"And even the next morning, I was just… cloudy. Not afraid or unhappy. Just lost in my head, I guess. The last time I had an episode, I was so fragile, mentally and emotionally. I felt like I was constantly fighting off triggers and flashbacks. It was different this time around." She looked up at him. "Sorry, the whole thing is hard to explain."

"I thought you made sense." The waiter brought their food to the table, and he nodded his thanks.

Alexis picked at her salad. "Anyway, I'm really okay now. Disappointed, yes. But… This one episode hasn't changed my reality the way it's changed Kevin's. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him. I don't know if we can actually move forward with this… elephant in the room."

"I hate to point out the obvious, but have you tried talking to him?"

She sighed. "A little bit, yes. Every time he tells me he's fine and I need to stop worrying about him and focus on myself. And then he'll usually try to make me food or run a bath for me or something… Like a bubble bath is going to keep me from having another episode."

Greg smiled a little bit at that. "So you're both fine but not fine, and you're both worrying about each other instead of focusing on yourselves."

Alexis laughed. "That about sums it up."

"You're quite the pair."

"You're telling me," she deadpanned, then paused. "What do you think of Kevin?"

"I'm a little biased," he admitted. "I think you know I would have liked to date you." Alexis felt her face heat up at that, but Greg continued, "I honestly didn't want to like him. There was so much that everyone wasn't saying about him. Even now, when I still don't really know the whole story between you two, I can tell there's some painful baggage there.

"But I can say he's a good dad. I remember the first time he brought Rosie in to see me. You'd been gone for a few weeks at that point, and she had a cold. He was a mess, worrying about her coughing and everything else. He told me what happened to his first daughter, and I could tell he was having a hard time. So I made the mistake of giving him my cell number at that first visit, and he called me a lot after that. It seemed like every sniffle and bellyache had his name showing up on my cell phone." He smiled. "Alexis, I can't tell you whether or not he's a good match for you, but I can say that you did the right thing by letting him be part of Rosie's life."

Alexis smiled. "I think so, too."

* * *

After putting in a few hours of studying at the library and a quick stop at Kevin's favorite pizzeria, Alexis arrived home with just enough time to relieve the sitter they'd hired a few days a week and plate the pizza before Kevin walked in the door.

"Hey," he grimaced at her as he set his keys on the entryway table. Alexis thought he'd meant to smile, but since her episode it seemed he'd forgotten how.

"Hey. You hungry? There's pizza."

"You didn't have to pick up dinner."

"I wanted to," she answered simply, picking the toppings off of Rosie's slice before cutting the resulting plain cheese pizza into tiny bites. His eyes caught on her brace.

"What'd Greg say?"

"Hairline fracture."

"It's broken?" He deflated a bit, his shoulders slumping.

"Barely." She assured him. "It'll heal in no time at all. Now, do you want pizza or not?"

He yanked his gaze away from her arm. "Um, yeah. Just give me a sec." He disappeared down the hall to lock his service weapon in the safe and change out of his work clothes.

He reappeared at the table a few minutes later, dressed much more casually in jeans and an old NYPD t-shirt. He took a seat on Rosie's other side. "Thanks for getting dinner," he said with another grimace.

"You're welcome."

"Mama!" Rosie pulled at her arm, demanding more pizza.

"Hold on a second, sweetie," Alexis responded, cutting more small pieces for her daughter's consumption.

Her tiny hands smacked Alexis' brace into the tabletop. Alexis gasped at the pain that reverberated up her arm.

"Rosie!" Kevin snapped. His fingers closed around Rosie's hand and he yanked it away from Alexis. "You can't do that. Listen when Mommy says no!"

Rosie's lip trembled, and tears filled her eyes.

"Kevin!" Alexis admonished. She'd never seen him speak to their daughter like that.

"Now tell her you're sorry," he continued, his eyes narrowed and his tone stern. "Tell Mommy you're sorry, Rosie."

Rosie began to cry. "S-sowy, Mommy."

Ignoring the pain in her wrist, Alexis hoisted her daughter into her arms. "It's okay, Sweetie." She rested her head against Rosie's as the little girl whined pitifully into her shoulder. She narrowed her eyes at Kevin. "That was out of line."

"She needs to learn she can't just grab you whenever she wants attention."

"And there were about a million better ways for you to teach her that."

He shook his head, looking like a cornered animal. Then he rubbed his face and took a deep breath. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one you should apologize to."

With a nod, Kevin got out of his chair and kneeled down next to Alexis' seat. He gently stroked Rosie's hair. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." Rosie reached out to hug him, and he pulled her into his arms. She buried her face in his shirt. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "I love you, baby girl."

"Luh you, Dad," she responded.

Kevin looked up at Alexis, his eyes wide. "And I love you, too. I'm sorry."

Those three words stuck to her tongue, and Alexis forced a smile to her lips. "Let's try again, shall we?"

* * *

"You're not okay, are you?"

Kevin looked up from his book, catching Alexis' eyes as she leaned against his bedroom door frame. There hadn't been any more incidents the rest of the night, but she couldn't shake off the tension that followed them through their evening. Tension that rolled off of Kevin in waves.

He frowned and shook his head. "I'm fine, Alexis. You don't need to worry about me." His gaze dropped back down to his book, the advanced copy of her dad's next bestseller, but she could tell from his eyes that he wasn't reading anymore.

She crossed the room and sat on top of the covers next to him. "Then why is my gut telling me you're having a hard time?"

"Maybe you had too much pizza."

Her lips twitched, and she allowed a snort to bubble out of her chest. Kevin glanced up at her, a small smile of his own tugging at his lips. They'd both needed a laugh after the last couple days. She moved closer and touched his cheek. "Or maybe you're not being entirely truthful?"

He leaned into her touch with a sigh. "Maybe," he said softly.

"Talk to me."

He set his book aside, and when he turned his gaze back on her, his hands rested on her hips. "I don't want to talk."

Warmth bubbled low in her belly, and she brushed her lips over his. "What do you want?"

He gently pushed her back. "We should be careful."

"I'm being careful."

"Alexis, I'm serious. Your therapist said to avoid triggers—"

"First of all, kissing you isn't a trigger. Second, she also said to keep trying to make small steps forward." She sat back, putting some space between them. "But hey, if you don't want to kiss me, you can just say so."

He took her hand. "It's not that. I just don't want a repeat of the other night."

"So it's all ruined for you now, then? All the good parts of that night are gone because of my episode?"

"That's not what I said."

"It seems like that's what you mean," she insisted. "I thought that night was wonderful."

"I did, too."

"And I'm tired of waiting to live my life. So I had an episode. So what? That doesn't mean I should just give up and stop fighting."

He shook his head. "I'm not telling you to give up. I just want you to be more careful with yourself."

"Are you sure? Because you haven't touched me since that night. I promise you won't catch PTSD, Kevin."

"I'm trying to protect you."

She threw off his hand. "I don't need you to protect me. I need you to support me! I need you to help me through these steps."

He reached for her again, trying to pull her back in. "Alexis, we tried and it didn't work. You're not ready, and you can't just pretend—"

"You don't get to tell me what I'm ready for!" She backed off the bed, grounding herself on the cold hardwood.

"I'm sorry, did I imagine seeing you huddled on the floor the other night?" he threw the comforter off and stood on the other side of the bed. "Am I imagining that brace on your wrist?"

"You didn't imagine it. All of those things happened, and I survived. And I'll keep surviving. But I won't go back to being that terrified, broken person. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life running away."

"You were that person the other night!" he cried. He stopped himself, then said in a softer voice. "She was here. She was here in this room with me. And she was terrified. You were terrified. You didn't know where you were. You didn't know who I was at first. You didn't know where Rosie was, or if she'd even been born." He moved closer to her, his face contorted with emotion. "I know you want to move forward, but it's not going to happen just because you want it to, Alexis. And you need to accept that. "

In the back of her mind, she recalled flashes from that night. She remembered waking up in the night with a heavy arm pinning her down, with warm, rhythmic breaths washing over the back of her neck. She remembered that terror as she curled up in the corner of the bedroom, stifling her own sobs so he wouldn't hear her. She remembered the soft cotton button-down against her skin, her only armor in the face of her living nightmare.

She remembered Kevin kneeling in front of her, confusing her with comforting statements that seemed impossible. And she remembered when she'd surfaced, fully aware, fully conscious, and realized where she was and what had happened. Kevin had buried his face in her neck, stifling his own heaving chest, clutching her so tightly she almost couldn't breathe. That night, she'd wanted nothing more than to curl in on herself, to stop fighting against the tide of traumatic memories, to give up and let herself be broken rather than dare to hope for something more.

"You don't think I'm going to get better." It wasn't a question.

"I never said that."

"Then what are you saying?" she demanded.

"I don't think this is a battle you can win by fighting your way through every step."

Alexis wanted to fight. Maybe it was strength of character, or perhaps it was simple self-preservation, a trick of her faulty brain that allowed her to remember without truly feeling the horror that had pressed in on her two nights earlier. But she wasn't going to let it stop her. "I disagree."

He shook his head, letting out a frustrated sigh. "Alexis—"

"And now that you've seen what's really going on inside my head, you're not interested? Guess you won't always want me, huh?"

His eyes narrowed and he stepped back. "We need to table this before it gets out of hand. Why don't we talk about this after you finished your boards? When you have one less thing to stress about."

"No!" She followed him, closing the space between them despite his retreat. "We're talking about this now. I'm not stressed about my boards. I'm upset because you're either lying to me right now, or you were lying to me before. Which is it? Do you want me, or don't you?

"It's not about what I want. You've made that very clear."

Alexis stopped, surprise knocking the breath out of her. "What are you talking about?"

"You are so single-minded about wanting to move forward. And I get it, okay? I understand why you're so anxious to leave this ugliness behind you, but you're not even living in the real world right now. You just want to push every boundary until it's broken, regardless of what it does to you. You want to pick up where we left off and start dating, but you still can't tell me you love me. You want to be intimate, but you can't touch me without triggering yourself. I'm half convinced that you're throwing yourself into studying for your boards and working for your dad and shadowing Lanie just to distract yourself—"

"So this is about me not being able to touch you? I told you, Kevin, I offered to reciprocate—"

"Are you even listening to me right now?!" He closed the distance between them, cupping her face in his hands so she was forced to look at him, to maintain eye contact. "I love you. I want you. I don't care if you touch me. I will still want you. But you can't just wake up in the morning and pretend you're fine. You can't be this person, Alexis. You're not there yet."

She shoved him away. "Screw you, Kevin."

"Alexis—"

"I'm trying to get better. I'm trying so hard, and all I'm asking is that you support me—"

"You're asking me to be an accomplice to your denial, and I won't. I won't do it. Maybe you're okay with going full steam ahead and driving yourself crazy, but I'm not."

She shook her head wordlessly, tears burning in the back of her eyes. "Fine. I'll leave you alone." She rushed from the room and shoved open her bedroom door. By some miracle, Rosie was still asleep. Alexis pulled on some pants and a sweatshirt and shoved her feet into her shoes.

Kevin met her in the hallway, his eyes wide. "Where are you going?"

"Why do you care?" she grabbed her purse from the end table, stopping in her tracks when Kevin's fingers wrapped around her arm.

"The last time you ran off I didn't see you for four months," he reminded her. "I think I deserve to know where you're going now."

His words only made her angrier. She wrenched her arm out of his grasp. "Don't talk to me about what you deserve, Kevin. You might not like what I have to say."

Kevin took a half step back. His expression couldn't be more pained if she'd actually hit him. "Alexis…" Her name was a plea.

"I'm going to my dad's. You're not invited. Good night." She shoved him out of the way and slammed the door behind her.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! Please review!


	25. Chapter 25

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-Five

"We need someone to deliver our silver lining now." —Ingrid Michaelson, "Are We There Yet"

* * *

Alexis slid her key into the lock and let herself into her dad's loft. It was almost ten, long past an appropriate visiting hour, and by the time she stepped foot in the apartment, the frantic, furious energy pumping through her veins had cooled. Now, her stomach twisted with regret and anxiety. God, she hoped Kate was still up. The loft was dimly lit, and her heart sank a little bit. Had they all gone to bed?

Footsteps echoed on the staircase, and she watched her father descend to the kitchen. He'd probably just put her little sister to bed. "Alexis? What are you doing here?"

"Is Kate here?" she asked.

"She's still at the precinct."

"This late? I thought the benefit of being captain was getting home by five?"

"They got a late lead," he explained, "and she's always been hands on. What's the matter?"

She stopped, suddenly reluctant. She'd come to the loft to talk to Kate, the one person who had always been supportive of her and Kevin's relationship. Her dad, on the other hand… She had a hard time imagining him offering the kind of advice she was looking for. Or any good advice at all, really.

"Do you know when she'll be home?" Alexis asked.

He shook his head, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. "No idea. You want to tell me what's going on?"

"I came to talk to Kate."

"What am I, chopped liver?" he asked, the joke falling flat on her ears.

She sighed, wringing her hands together. Finally, she forced the words from her lips, prepared for the worst. "Kevin and I had a fight. And I was hoping to talk to her about it."

"Oh… Well, you can talk to me about it," he suggested.

Alexis blinked, surprised at her father's mild reaction. "Really?"

"Of course, honey."

"Can you be impartial?" she asked somewhat skeptically. "Kate always tries to be impartial."

"I can try."

She deliberated for a moment, then sighed. Worst-case scenario, he'd give the overprotective sort of advice that she'd been expecting. It wasn't as if that would make her fight with Kevin any worse. "Okay then." Alexis went to the kitchen a pulled a bottle of wine out of the fridge, along with two glasses.

"What are you doing?"

She found the corkscrew and began opening the bottle. "If Kate were here, this is what I'd be doing. Drinking my first glass of wine in months, and telling her about my fight with Kevin." She filled both of the glasses halfway, then took a seat at the kitchen island.

"Okay," he said uncertainly. He took his proffered glass and sat down next to her. "What did you two fight about?"

Embarrassment burned in her cheeks as she considered how to describe her and Kevin's problems, or the sequence of events that had led up to their fight. Her dad knew about her episode; she'd told him and Kate when she and Kevin had come over to pick up Rosie the next morning. She hadn't wanted to tell them, but Kevin insisted that they be kept in the loop just in case it happened again.

Her father and Kate had been understandably worried when they'd gotten the news, and Alexis had been careful to cover only the highlights of her episode. Kevin had been silent while she recounted what she could remember from the night before, watching her with a haunted expression. Alexis took a sip of wine, savoring the bittersweet flavor. "He thinks I'm made of glass. And I think I'm stronger than that."

"I would agree." Her dad nodded. "I think we'd all agree that you're strong."

"Kevin doesn't agree. And lately I've been trying to, um, push our relationship forward. Really give it a shot, you know? And ever since my episode it's like he doesn't even want to try anymore."

His face colored. "Sweetheart, are you talking about sex?"

She felt her own cheeks heat up in response and she looked down at her glass. "Intimacy."

"So is that what triggered your episode, then? Intimacy?" he read between the lines.

"He thinks so."

"And what do you think?"

She sighed. "I think it played a part." She looked up at her dad. "But it wasn't all bad. And it's exactly the kind of step forward I've been wanting. I mean… it's been… since before Rosie was born. That's a long time to be celibate." She blushed when she caught her dad's eye. "Is it weird? Me talking about this?"

He raised his eyebrows, then looked down at his glass. "It's not the most comfortable conversation you and I have ever had." He took a breath. "So he's afraid of triggering you, and you want to… to be intimate regardless of the risk?"

"I don't think he believes I'm going to get better, dads" she said quietly, her voice emotionless, not betraying the sinking dread and certainty. "Even on our date the other night… he kept asking me if I was sure, if I was ready, if I wanted to change my mind. It's like the whole time he was waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"For what it's worth, I was, too."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… you've kept your distance for so long, and even when you moved in with him, it seemed like those boundaries were in place. I was skeptical, at first, but it really seemed like you two were just coparenting."

"Well, we were. For the most part," she conceded. "Kind of the one day at a time mentality, I guess. I wanted to get settled before trying for any kind of romantic thing."

"Right. And then, the last couple weeks, you've suddenly become very invested in that relationship. I was surprised at the change, and even more surprised that you two were… you know, arranging for overnight childcare. It seemed sudden."

Alexis frowned. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm trying to be a little less of a helicopter parent these days. You're a grown woman, and you two were doing well with living together and raising Rosie together… You're entitled to make your own choices."

Alexis stared at her glass for a long time. "It didn't feel sudden to me. It felt overdue."

"Overdue?"

She nodded. "Rosie will be two in November. She's a toddler now. And for her entire life so far, I've been this sad, broken person. I'm tired of it. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be the person who falls in love and isn't afraid of intimacy and… I don't know. I just want to get to the happily ever after."

"So how did the date go?" he asked. "Was it fairy tale worthy?"

She smiled. "I thought so. I had a great time… until my baggage caught up with me." She took another sip of wine. "I've been trying so hard to get better, and one slip-up and suddenly Kevin's looking at me like I'm terminal."

Her father sighed. "You wanted me to be Kate, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just making sure. Because your dad and Kate would have very different pieces of advice on this."

Alexis laughed. "What would my dad say about it?"

"He'd say any guy who doesn't realize how strong you are isn't worth your time."

That sounded about right. "And Kate, what's her answer?"

He thought for a moment. "Maybe it's not about you being strong. Maybe it's that he thinks you're trying so hard to be strong that you're ignoring the parts of yourself that need a little more time to heal." He paused. "And maybe Kevin's got some parts that are still healing, too. He, um, that morning after your episode when you two came over to pick up Rosie… I could tell he was hurting about it, too."

Alexis thought about Kevin's behavior over the last few days. The haunted expression on his face when he thought she wasn't looking at him. The grimaces that had replaced any sort of real smile. The way he simultaneously tried to handle her with care and keep her at arm's' length. She shook her head. "I can heal and progress at the same time. That's pretty much all I've been doing the last few months. Pushing my comfort zone and getting better along the way."

"Maybe that's not what he needs to get better."

"But—"

"Honey, have you and Ryan ever learned how to compromise?"

She stopped. "What?"

"Compromise. I've seen you both give up a lot for the other… but have you ever met in the middle?"

Her mind went blank. "I… I don't know."

"Well, maybe this is your chance to learn. Maybe now isn't the time for barrelling ahead or staying in place. Try to find a middle ground."

"Maybe you're right." She pushed her chair back. "I'd better go try to make things right, huh?"

Her dad smiled. "Always a good first step."

She kissed his cheek. "Thanks, Dad."

* * *

The apartment was dark when Alexis let herself in, except for a dim lamp in the living room. Kevin was stretched across the couch, asleep, his arms folded over his chest. He looked pale, and circles hugged his eyes. Once again, regret settled in the pit of her stomach. He'd waited for her to come home.

She sighed and pulled the blanket from off the back of the couch and draped it over him. He twitched just a bit, blinking groggily. "Lexis?" he mumbled.

She squeezed his hand gently. "I'm home now. Go back to sleep."

"Wait." He sat up, rubbing at his face. "I want to talk to you"

"We can talk in the morning. It's okay. You look exhausted."

"No." He shook his head and reached for her hand. "I'm so sorry, Alexis. I do believe that you'll get better. I know you will. And I'm so sorry if I made you doubt that."

She took a seat next to him. "I'm sorry, too. I'm realizing that I shouldn't expect you to just go along with everything, to walk this road with me. I know how much it hurts you that I'm… the way I am now. And I'm beginning to understand how much it frightened you. I don't want to hurt you, Kevin. And I don't want to scare you. I know all of this is bringing up lots of bad memories for both of us. I just want to get better. I want us to have our happily ever after."

Despite their mutual apologies, his face still looked strained. "Can I be completely and totally honest with you?"

She nodded, her gut clenching in panic.

"I love you. And all I want is to move forward, too. In fact, there's an engagement ring in my sock drawer right now with your name on it." A small smile pulled at his lips. "I want to grow old with you, give Rosie a brother or sister, and fight about stupid stuff like putting away the laundry."

"That does sound nice."

His lips twisted into a frown. "But there's a difference between building a future and forcing our lives to fit whatever ideal it is you're looking for." He sighed. "I'm so proud of the progress you've made. You're so strong and resilient and… You amaze me every day." His eyes slipped over to hers, adoration shining through his baby blues. "But Alexis, I don't want being with me to be something you check off a to-do list."

She frowned. "I'm not—it's not…. That's not what I'm doing."

"I understand that you want to get better. But is this," he gestured around them, "even what you really want?"

"Of course it is." Anxiety made her pulse speed up. "I—I loved our date. I love spending time with you. This feels natural. Raising Rosie feels natural. Our day-to-day feels natural, doesn't it?"

"Is that enough?" he asked. "Why are you choosing me?"

She stopped for a moment, staring at him incredulously. "Because you're you. You're who I've always chosen. You were there for me when I ran out on everyone. You took care of Rosie. You're her dad. I mean, it's always been you, Kevin."

"You don't owe me your forgiveness. Or your loyalty. Or your love. You don't owe me anything. We don't have to be together. We can just go back to being friends. Coparents. You can date other people. You can love someone else."

She shook her head. "I don't want to love someone else."

He stood up. "Maybe you should try."

"Are you kidding me, Kevin?" She stood and took his hand, anchoring him so he couldn't walk away from her. Her heart was racing. "Where is this coming from?"

"You used to keep me at arm's length. You used to say you have reasons for protecting yourself from me. You used to talk about taking it slow and learning to trust me."

"I don't want to protect myself from you anymore."

He shook his head, looking down at the floor. "Do you trust me, Alexis? Or is all of this part of your desperation to make progress? Because I really can't tell. I can't tell if you want me for me, or if you want me because you think you need me to create this happily ever after you've been chasing."

She let go of his hand, her mind racing, unable to form a response. "You… you said you loved me."

"I do!" he insisted. He finally looked at her, taking both of her hands in his. "And that's why I have to tell you that I'm not your only option. Hell, I might not even be your best option."

"I don't understand," she said, her voice small. "You wanted this. You've always wanted this."

He shook his head. "I wanted you to choose me because you loved me back. Not just because you think it's the logical next step."

"Why can't it be both?"

"Because you deserve the opportunity to figure out what you really want! Because I don't want us to be together out of default." He let go of her hands. "I've limited your choices in the past, and I'm not going to put you in that situation again."

She reached for him, anxious to feel that physical connection again. "Kevin, let's think about this. You don't have to be afraid of hurting me. We can slow down. I won't push for intimacy anymore, okay? We can go as slow as you need."

"Alexis, you're not listening to me," he said quietly.

"I am listening! I just don't understand. You don't want me anymore?"

"I want you to see the choices you have."

" _You are all I want_ ," she insisted, tears stinging at her eyes. "I don't want anyone else. Kevin, please. Don't do this. Don't just throw away everything we've built. I love you, okay? I said it. I love you. Please don't shut me out."

His arms slid around her, and she clutched onto him. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. "I'm still here. And I still want you to be here, too." He pulled back to look at her and brushed a kiss over her forehead. "But I think it's important for you to really take the time to figure out what you want."

Tears slid down her face, and she wiped them away with a sniff. "I asked my dad for advice. He said we should compromise. Where's the compromise here, Kevin? This just feels like you're breaking up with me."

He guided her to sit on the edge of the bed. "Here's the compromise: Promise me that you'll think about this, and I promise that, in return, I'll help you with whatever you need to keep making these steps forward. Dating. Intimacy. Whatever you need."

Alexis shook her head as her mind helpfully supplied reasons for his change of heart. He didn't really love her. He was tired of her and her baggage. He wanted someone new. Someone who could give him what she couldn't.

 _Worthless. Broken. Nobody wants—_

He touched her cheek. "Alexis, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not kicking you out. I'm still here for you whenever you need me, okay? I just want you to be happy. And I'm afraid that if we keep pushing forward without even stopping to think about things, you're going to wake up one day and have a lot of regret."

She wiped her eyes. "And you're okay with me living here and dating other people?"

"If that's what you need, I'd find a way to be okay with it."

"And if I think about it and decide I still want to be with you?"

"Then we'd be together. And... I don't know, keep working on that happily ever after." He squeezed her hand. "I just want you to think about it, okay?"

She sighed in resignation and squeezed his hand in return. "Okay."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading! Please review!


	26. Chapter 26

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-Six

"Are you really gonna love me when I'm gone?" —Of Monsters and Men, "I Of The Storm"

* * *

"Are you catching this, Alexis?"

The redhead glanced up from the chart she'd staring at. "Sorry, what?"

"You need to take a break?" Lanie asked. The medical examiner was wrist-deep in their patient's body cavity, part way through an autopsy. She'd been dictating her observations to Alexis, but the younger woman's mind had been elsewhere, far away from the exam table.

Alexis shook her head. "No, it's fine. I'm sorry. What were you saying about the guy's liver?"

They continued the autopsy together, with Lanie occasionally asking for Alexis' input, and it wasn't until the autopsy was complete and charted, and the body put away that Alexis allowed her mind to wander once more to the thoughts she just couldn't shake.

"So what's going on in that head of yours?" Lanie pressed, stripping off her bloodied gloves and protective equipment.

Alexis frowned, debating for a moment on sharing what was on her mind, then sighed. "Kevin wants me to date other people."

"Really?" Lanie's eyebrows rose. "After all this time?"

Alexis nodded. "He's got this idea in his head that I'm settling for him, or something. Like I haven't thought about whether or not I really want to be with him every step along the way." She bit her lip. "Lately he's been so… I don't know. Different, I guess. Ever since I had my episode. And I hate it."

Lanie patted her arm. "You know I'm not his biggest fan, but do you think he's having a hard time watching you go through all this?"

"I think he's torn up inside about it, but all he does is focus on all the things he thinks I should do to make my life better." She shook her head, anger twisting in her stomach. "It's like he's trying to protect me from everything—including him. And I don't need a protector, Lanie. I don't want one."

Alexis was comforted by the fact that her day-to-day hadn't changed since Kevin had asked her to reconsider her choices. While she'd spent the better part of three weeks mulling over the bomb he'd dropped, their routine continued. Among early-morning study sessions on the couch or at the library, long days at the Bureau, shifts at the morgue, hours at the loft catching up on her dad's business affairs, and juggling Rosie between the two of them, Alexis' family, and the sitter, it had almost felt like nothing had changed. Except Kevin refrained from kissing Alexis goodbye in the morning; in those calm evenings when they spent family time with Rosie, Alexis could feel the distance Kevin was placing between them. It felt like months earlier, when _she'd_ been the one holding him at arm's' length.

Kevin was serious about giving her space to think about things, but Alexis' mind was already made up. She wanted him. She'd chosen him.

"So are you going to go on that date then?"

Alexis shrugged. "If that's what it takes to get Kevin to drop this whole thing."

"I somehow doubt that's what he had in mind."

"I don't care what he had in mind. This whole thing is asinine. Besides Kevin, there's not even anyone I'd want to date right now. And when am I supposed to go out and meet someone that I'll actually like enough to want to date? Where do I have room in my life for something like that? And even if I do find that person, it's not like the two-year-old and the PTSD and the fact that I live with the father of my child is going to be a good selling point. Who in their right mind would be interested in that?"

Her phone rang, interrupting her diatribe. "Hold on a second, Lanie." She pulled it out of her pocket. It was Greg. An idea sparked in her mind. "Hello?"

"Hey, Red. How are you doing?"

"Hi, Greg. What's up?"

"Just wanted to check on you. Make sure your wrist isn't giving you too much grief."

She glanced down at the brace on her arm. "It's doing fine. Healing just like you said it would. I'm looking forward to getting this thing off."

"Good. And are you still, you know, having episodes?"

Alexis colored. "Um, no. Not since that night."

"Good."

Silence settled over the line, and Alexis forced herself to say what she'd been thinking since she saw his name on her cell phone display. "Hey, Greg? Would you like to get dinner tomorrow night? My treat."

"Um, sure." He sounded surprised. "What's the occasion?"

"Just wanting to spend some time with you. It's been a while since we've talked."

"That sounds great." She thought she could hear the smile in his voice. "Do you want me to pick you up or—"

"I'll come to your place. How's seven? Maybe we can figure out what sounds good then?"

Greg agreed to meet her at his apartment the following night, and after saying goodbye, Alexis ended the call.

"Looks like you've found someone who's interested," Lanie smirked.

"Maybe." Alexis shoved her phone back in her pocket. "How are things with you and Javi?"

The medical examiner's eyes cut down to the notes in front of her. "We've set a date… again," her voice was surprisingly soft, as if she was sharing a secret.

"That's amazing!" Alexis grinned. "Why have you been letting me vent to you this whole time when you were sitting on news like that?"

"We've been engaged for years now. It's old news." Lanie smiled. "I told Javi if we don't make it to the altar this time, there won't be a next time."

"When's the date?"

"November first."

"That's only a couple months away."

"It'll be a small wedding. Nothing fancy. I was wondering if Rosie would like to be a flower girl. Johanna will be one, too."

"Wear a pretty dress and throw flower petals around?" Alexis asked with a laugh. "She'd love to."

* * *

The next day passed quickly, and, far sooner than she'd been prepared for, Alexis found herself sitting across the table from Greg at an Italian place he'd recommended. They'd made it through most of the first course without incident. Alexis shouldn't have been so surprised that it was easy to spend time with Greg; he'd always had a knack for putting her at ease and engaging her in conversation. Even before she'd been looking for a date, she'd always enjoyed the time she spent with the young doctor.

"Your boards are coming up soon, right?"

Alexis nodded, swallowing her mouthful of pasta. She dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. "Two weeks. And it'll be another three or four weeks after that till I find out if I passed."

He smiled at that. "Of course you'll pass. You've been studying night and day for months."

She matched his grin. "And I'll feel better when I have the proof of that in my hands."

He laughed, then his expression softened a bit. "So I have to ask… is this a date?"

Alexis blushed. "Um, it is if you want it to be."

"I thought you and Kevin—"

"We're not," she said quickly. Then she amended her statement. "I mean, not right now."

A crease appeared between his eyebrows, like he could tell there was an entire ocean of information that she wasn't sharing with him. "Ah. Well, if that's the case, I'm glad to be here with you."

"Me, too."

"And, um… I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way. I don't want to sound like an an asshole or anything…."

"What is it?"

He cleared his throat. "Sorry if this seem premature, but I just want you to know that I don't think it'd be a good idea for us to jump into a relationship. I feel like there's risk for rebounding here. So if you want to date, keep it simple, that's fine. We always have a good time together. But, um… you know, with your situation and Rosie and everything…" He stopped, seemingly realizing that he was rambling. "Anyway, I care about you a lot. And I care about your little girl. And I'm your family doctor, and... I just want to make sure we're on the same page. I don't want any hearts to get broken."

"Oh." She was almost knocked over with relief. "I'm not looking for a relationship," she informed him. "Just, um… having fun, I guess. Nothing serious."

"Glad we're on the same page." He smiled. "So, how about dessert?"

Despite the somewhat awkward conversation about boundaries, the rest of the date went smoothly, and Alexis was almost disappointed to be saying goodbye to Greg at the end of the night. There weren't any butterflies in her stomach, but she'd enjoyed his company. Somewhere during the last several months, Alexis had forgotten what a good friend he was.

"Well, thank you for a lovely night," he said when they reached his apartment.

"I had a really good time."

"Ummm…" Color spread across his cheekbones. "Do you mind if I kiss you?"

Despite herself, Alexis laughed at his oddly phrased request, and it only took a few seconds before Greg was laughing, too.

"Not my smoothest line," he admitted.

"It was cute," she tried.

"But not sexy," he finished.

Her lips quirked in response.

"And now you're going to laugh at me again."

She shook her head with a smile. "You can kiss me, Greg."

He leaned in, and Alexis found herself mirroring his movements. The first brush of her lips against his felt foreign, but not altogether unwelcome. His mouth met hers again, this time picking up a different sort of cadence, slower and deeper to match her own. He was a fast learner. He cupped her face in his hands, kissing her gently, lightly pressing her against his apartment door. Her hands pressed against his chest as she kissed him back.

When he pulled back, a smile tugged at her lips. "Good?" he asked.

"Good," she conceded, then bit her lip.

"But…"

"But?"

"I've thought about kissing you for a while now, and well… for me, at least, the reality was like…"

"Kissing your sister?" she asked.

His eyes widened. "You felt it, too?"

She blushed, then allowed a little bubble of laughter to slip through her lips. "I did."

"Should we try again?"

"Sure."

His lips pressed against hers again, and just like the first time it felt mechanically correct. Their lips moved together in all the right ways, but Alexis didn't feel a thing.

"How was that?" she asked him when they separated.

"It was fine." His expression was almost apologetic.

"Just fine?"

"I mean… yeah."

She laughed. "Great."

He caught her hand. "I'm glad we tried."

"Me, too." She pulled him in for a hug. "Thanks for being my friend."

"Always." He reached into his pocket for his keys. "Do you want come in for a bit? I've got beer and popcorn. Maybe we can find something to watch?"

Alexis shrugged. "Sounds lovely."

* * *

"So you're finally making it official, huh?" Kevin asked.

"Correction: Lanie's finally letting me make it official," Javier responded, taking a pull from his beer.

" _Papi_ ," Javier's son, Aaron, walked into the kitchen, bearing his empty cup, " _más agua_."

" _Di por favor_ ," Javi responded.

" _Por favor_ ," Aaron said with a whine, waving his cup at his father.

With a bemused smile, he filled his son's cup and handed it back to him. " _Qué estás diciendo_?"

The little boy took the cup with a long-suffering expression. " _Gracias, papi_."

"Please tell me my kid isn't the only one who hasn't figure out manners yet," Javier said, watching his four-year-old son return to the living room, where he'd been simultaneously working on a puzzle and trying to keep Rosie from tearing it apart.

"This morning Rosie burped in my face and then laughed at me," Kevin said, "so, no, you're not alone."

"Thank God."

"Who's your best man?" Kevin asked, then stopped at the expression on Javier's face. "Not that I'm suggesting you pick me. I just wanna make sure I'm invited to the bachelor party."

"Castle's my best man."

Kevin snorted. "Well, there goes my invite."

"I'll get you in. Knowing Castle, it'll be over-the-top. You won't want to miss it." Javier took another sip of beer. "Beckett's actually the maid of honor. Aaron's the ring bearer. Lanie wants Rosie to be the flower girl with Johanna."

"Alexis told me. I think it's a good fit." Kevin smiled at the image of his daughter tossing flower petals down the aisle. "We'll see how well she can stick to her task."

"Ewwun," Rosie whined from the living room. "Me play!"

"No, Rosa! You're wrecking it!"

"Why do I have a feeling that our kids are going to end up wrestling halfway down the aisle?" Kevin asked.

Javier snorted. They walked into the living room to break it up. Aaron was protectively bent over his puzzle while Rosie tried, unsuccessfully, to shove him away.

"Rosie," Kevin scolded, taking her hand and pulling her away from the little boy. "Let Aaron play with his puzzle. He doesn't want you to touch it, okay? You'll have to find something else to play with." Over his shoulder, he heard Javier giving his son a similar speech about playing nice.

Once peace had been re-established, Kevin and Javi took a seat on the couch, staying close in case their children started bickering again. Rosie was pretending to play with a doll, but every so often she'd look at Aaron's puzzle and scoot just a little closer to the boy.

"I give it four minutes till they start up again," Javier said.

"I was gonna say two."

"So when are you and Alexis gonna make it official?"

Kevin sighed. The question was like a punch to his gut. She'd said goodbye before leaving the apartment earlier that evening, and though she hadn't said where she was going, he was pretty sure she had a date. She didn't wear dresses and makeup every day.

"No idea," he responded.

"I mean, things have been going pretty well, right?"

"I guess so." It was beyond stupid, beyond selfish for him to feel badly about her date. He was the one who'd pushed her into thinking about it in the first place. But he couldn't help the panic that settled over him whenever he thought about Alexis being with someone else.

"You don't sound too happy about that."

"What if she deserves better than me?" Kevin asked.

"Isn't that for Alexis to decide?"

Kevin didn't respond, and Javier continued, "As someone who's screwed up more than once with the love of my life, let me tell you now: when you find a good woman you love that much, you don't just let her go, Kev. You make it work. You fight for her if you have to."

"You know, part of me is so goddamn happy I almost don't recognize myself. This is everything I've ever wanted," Kevin said. "But everything has a cost. I've paid dearly to have this life. And Alexis has, too. More than me. And sometimes I just don't know if I can handle what it's cost her to be here with me."

"If she's forgiven you, then there's no reason for you to not forgive yourself."

"What if I don't deserve forgiveness?"

"If Alexis says you do, then you do," Javier said simply. "And you know what? If you feel like you haven't earned that yet, then earn it. Spend every day of the rest of your life earning the right to deserve her. But don't throw away your chance at happiness."

"Javi—"

"Kev, I know you. I know the way you can twist yourself up with these ideas you get about right and wrong and what people deserve. And I'm here to tell you that it all comes down to one thing: do you love her?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to be with her?"

"Of course I do."

"So love her, be with her, get married, have about five more redheaded kids, do whatever makes you two happy. And stop being such a goddamn idiot about it."

Kevin was speechless. Finally, something like laughter huffed out of his chest. "Thanks, Javi."

Javier smirked. "Anytime, brother."

* * *

Alexis quietly walked down the hallway after letting herself into the apartment. She peeked into Kevin's bedroom, where he was sitting in bed with Rosie, reading her a story. Rosie glanced up as Alexis' heels clicked on the hardwood.

"Mommy!" she grinned.

"Hi, baby." She glanced up at Kevin, who was looking her up and down with an expression she couldn't decipher. She suddenly felt self-conscious of the form-fitting dress, the heels, the small bit of makeup she was wearing. "What are you reading?"

He held up "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" with a small smile. "Her favorite."

"Ah. It's a good one." She felt her cheeks heat up.

"You look beautiful," he said.

Her face heated even more. "Thank you."

"Boofull," Rosie agreed, pointing at the caterpillar on the page.

Alexis snorted, relieved at the tension that seemed to be dissipating from her chest. "I'm gonna go change—"

"Ma!" Rosie patted the spot next to her. "Here."

Rosie was used to them reading to her together, and she clearly wasn't about lose an opportunity to be the center of both her parents' attention. Alexis met Kevin's eyes, and he seemed to be holding back a smile. Was that a blush she saw spreading across his cheekbones? She licked her lips, "Um… I shouldn't—"

"Mama!" Rosie insisted. "Here! Here!"

"It's fine," Kevin assured her. With a small smile, Alexis kicked off her heels and took a seat next to Rosie, opposite of Kevin, reclining against the pillows. They settled in, Rosie snuggled between her parents, and Kevin continued reading to her, pointing out the pictures on the pages and making funny voices for her benefit.

Rosie dozed off somewhere around the caterpillar's transformation, but Kevin kept reading till the end. And when he closed the book, Alexis found that she didn't want to move. Rosie was warm against her side, the pillows were comfortable, and every so often she'd get a whiff of Kevin's mint toothpaste. It felt like all the domestic evenings they'd spent together before Kevin had started putting up boundaries, before he'd asked her to think about choosing someone else.

Perhaps Kevin was enjoying the closeness, too, because he didn't move either.

"You're a good narrator," she said softly.

"Thanks," he said. "Hot date tonight?"

She stiffened a bit. "Something like that." She hadn't told him that she was going on a date with Greg, but it wasn't exactly a secret, either.

"Did you have a good time?"

"I think so." She craned her head up to look at him. "It was easier than I thought it'd be."

She and Greg had spent the rest of their evening together sipping beer and swapping funny stories about their patients, or, in Alexis' case, bizarre homicides. Greg had hugged her again when she'd left, telling her how glad he was that they'd gone out. Alexis didn't regret the night one bit.

"That's good." There was something like a smile on his face, but he didn't look happy. "You think you'll go out with him again?"

"Is that what you want?" she asked.

He sighed and pulled away from their cozy arrangement, picking up Rosie in his arms. Alexis watched as he disappeared into the other room, no doubt to put their daughter in her own bed. She stayed in her spot until he returned to the bedroom.

"I'm pretty tired. I think I'm gonna go to bed," he announced, a gentle request that she vacate his bed.

Alexis sat up, but she didn't leave. "You didn't answer my question."

"What question?"

"Do you want me to go out with Greg again?" she pressed. "Give it the old college try?"

"That's your choice, Alexis."

She shook her head. "But it's not. I just want to know what sort of numbers you want me to hit before you take my feelings seriously. Three dates? Maybe some fooling around for good measure?" The frustration of the last few weeks bore down on her, filling her with reckless anger, making her bolder than she actually felt.

His eyes narrowed, and he approached the bed, holding out his hand. "You should go to bed."

She ignored him. "I've got one date under my belt now, and we kissed, so maybe I'm halfway there?"

Kevin's eyes widened. "You kissed him?"

"Well, I was going for the fully immersive first date experience, so… yeah. We kissed. A couple times, actually." She slipped her legs over the edge of the bed and stood beside him. "Does that make you jealous?"

He opened and closed his mouth a few times. "Yes."

"Do you want to do something about it?" she asked, tilting her head up in invitation.

His nostrils flared, and his body tensed, but he didn't respond.

She pressed her fingertips against his cheek, leaning so that she could feel his breath washing over her face. "Kiss me," she urged.

His lips crashed into hers, and his hands wrapped around her hips. She kissed him back hungrily, her teeth nipping at his bottom lip, her tongue delving into his mouth when he opened for her.

For once, he seemed as hungry as she was, and the back of her knees hit the mattress as his body pressed into hers. She pulled him down with her, crawling on top of him as soon as his back hit the mattress. Their fingers entwined as she pressed his hands into the mattress above his head and she broke away from his mouth, staring down at him. His cheeks were flushed, his lips were swollen, and his eyes were dilated.

"I love you. I want to be with you. And no matter how many dates I go on, no matter how many steps backward we take, no matter how many episodes I have, it doesn't change how I feel about you," she said. "Do you love me, Kevin?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you want me?"

His eyes slid away. He seemed to be struggling with some internal debate, so she let go of his hands and grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. She kissed him hard for good measure.

"Yes or no," she demanded when she pulled away.

"Yes," he breathed. His hands broke free from her own, and she braced her hands on either side of his head.

"Then show me," she whispered.

His hands cupped her face, and he pulled her down to meet his lips.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed the new installment. :) Please review!


	27. Chapter 27

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-Seven

* * *

"Do you want me, Kevin?" she asked.

He looked away, his heart racing, his body thrumming with need. He wanted her more than anything, but still he hesitated. Still he questioned whether or not he had the right to be with someone like her. His hands had been pinned above his head, but she let go of them, grasping his chin roughly and forcing him to look at her.

"Yes or no," she demanded.

"Yes," he said, a breathless growl. His control was slipping. He could feel it with each passing second.

"Then show me."

He was lost. Kevin cupped her face in his hands and pulled her mouth down to meet his. Her lips moved against his hungrily, and he moaned a bit when his tongue slid against hers.

He devoured her, his fingers dragging through her hair, trailing up her thighs where she straddled him. He nipped at her full bottom lip and she rocked on his lap with a delicate little groan. Tendrils of pleasure traveled up his spine.

His fingers traveled over the swell of her breasts, cupping them lightly through her clothes. She moaned again and arched into his palms. "Please," she breathed. He reached for the zipper on her dress, fumbling it downward from his position beneath her.

He let his fingers drag down her spine, feeling goosebumps raise beneath his fingertips. For a moment, he considered slowing, recalling how things had occurred the last time they'd followed that particular sequence of events. But Alexis lifted her body off of him, stepping onto the floor just long enough to toss her dress off and let it fall to the floor around her ankles.

He sat up, "Are you sure?"

She nodded, then crawled into his lap, carding her fingers through his hair. "Yes." Her fingers felt out the planes of his chest, rocking forward as she lay a line of kisses down his neck.

His hands slid up and down her sides, then one hand anchored in her hair as his lips found hers. His other hand slid around to her front, palming her breast through the thin material of her bra. She moaned into his mouth. Her nipple peaked beneath his palm, and he caught the nub between his thumb and forefinger, rolling it gently. She keened into his mouth. Grinding herself against his lap. He jerked his hips up against hers, and he felt her shudder as his hard cock dragged against her center.

He rolled them over so that she was spread out on the mattress underneath him. She looked up at him, her eyes wide, her pupils blown, her cheeks flushed the same color as her swollen lips.

His hands rested on her hips, his fingers hooking in the waistband of her underwear. He watched her face as he slowly slid the garment down her hips and legs. Her breathing picked up, her fingers clenched in the comforter, but she didn't stop him.

He dropped her panties on the floor next to her dress and ran his hands up and down her almost-bare form, all smooth, fair skin and gentle curves, and for a while he just drank her in, letting his fingers explore her body, occasionally pressing a line of kisses along her throat or her hips. It had been too long since he'd seen her like this.

"You're so goddamn beautiful," he said. He rested his hands on her hips, tilting his head down to rest his forehead against hers.

"Kevin," she breathed, a new tension in her voice, both needy and something else. Desperate? Afraid? "Please touch me."

Their eyes locked, and he saw that some of the pleasure and desire had slipped from her face. "Please," she said.

In one smooth movement, he rolled slipped off the edge of the bed, kneeled on the floor, and pulled her to him by her hips, burying his face in her folds.

"Kevin!"

He devoured her, high on the taste of her and the desperate moans and sighs in his ears. He felt her fingers sink into his hair on either side of his head, controlling his rhythm as her hips rutted against his face, fucking herself on his tongue. His cock twitched in delight, and he reached into his pajama pants, gripping the base tight to keep from losing himself so soon.

She yanked his hair particularly hard, and he groaned just as his mouth closed around that bundle of nerves.

"Kevin!" she gasped as her pleasure took over. He leisurely licked her through each wave and aftershock, till she lay boneless on his bed.

Then she was pulling at his shoulders, pulling him on top of her. Her lips found his, and she moaned against his mouth as she tasted herself on his tongue. Her fingers trailed down his chest, stopping at the waistband of his pajama pants.

He reluctantly pulled away from her mouth. "Alexis—"

"I'm okay. Keep touching me," she begged. "Don't stop till I tell you."

He dipped his head for another kiss, and she kissed him back ferociously. She palmed his cock through his pajama pants, and he fought back a moan. He rolled them onto their sides, hitching her leg over his hip to keep her open for him. His fingers found her hot, soaked flesh and began drawing circles around her clit.

If she'd lost any color in her face when she'd started touching him, it all came rushing back the moment he touched her again. She keened into his mouth, jerking her hips forward, and her hand slipped inside his boxers. Her fingertips hesitantly dragged over his cock, and he groaned into her mouth.

Emboldened by his response, her fingers wrapped around the base and stroked up and down his shaft a couple of times. Her thumb spread the precome leaking from his tip around his cockhead.

"More, Kevin," she begged, and he realized that he'd gotten lost in her touch and had stopped reciprocating. He slid two fingers into her warm depths, curling them just right, and continued rubbing circles around her clit. Her wail of satisfaction was music to his ears. He focused on keeping that rhythm going for her, barely cognizant of her yanking his pajama bottoms and underwear down his thighs enough for his erection to spring free.

She picked up where she'd left off, working the precome down his shaft and driving him to the edge of madness. He did his best to keep her satisfied, and each of them was moaning into each other's mouths, hips jerking, hands working to find completion.

With a moan of desperation, Alexis pulled his hand out from between her legs and mounted him, letting her folds glide up and down the underside of his hard cock trapped against his belly. She was hot and wet and slick, and the rhythm of her sliding over him brought him right to the edge.

She leaned down, tugging a handful of his hair for leverage and kissed him, her tongue gliding against his at the same cadence as her nether lips. With one, two, three more rocking gestures, he felt her thighs tense as she cried out into his mouth, her hips moving erratically, and he was lost. His hips jerked up against hers as his come spilled onto his belly and hips, smearing against her skin with a filthy sensuality that only turned him on even more.

Their mouths slowed from frantic lips, teeth, and tongues to slowly savoring each other, and with a brush of her lips against his, Alexis rolled onto her side. Kevin followed suit, his fingers dragging down her cheek.

"How was that?" he asked.

"The best not-sex I've ever had," she smiled. Her smile dimmed as she looked down at their torsos, and something flashed in her expression that he couldn't identify. "Also the messiest." She took a deep breath, as if trying to calm herself.

He sat up. "How's a shower sound?"

"Necessary."

"Mind if I join you?"

She paused. And for the millionth time he wished he could see what was going through her head. "Only if you wash my hair."

He hesitated, but she was already walking to the bathroom. "Deal."

Kevin worried that he was pushing too much, after the intensity of their time together, after the hurdles she'd already pushed through. Still, he wanted to feel close to her, he wanted to help her clean up after the mess he'd made on her skin. He wanted to reassure her, and himself, that she was safe.

He hesitated for a moment when he stepped into the shower behind her. It would be the first time in almost two years that they'd be completely bared to each other.

He stepped around the curtain and into the spray. Alexis was already scrubbing his release from her stomach and hips. Her skin was an angry shade of red from the friction of the washcloth.

He caught her wrist. "I think you got it."

She watched him, her hair wet, her expression shy, her face pale, even in the heat of the shower. She let him pry the cloth from her fingers. Her hands were trembling as she touched his chest, and when he pulled back he could see the shadow of an old fear in her eyes. She looked away, her eyes fluttering closed.

"Hey." He tilted her chin back up. "Stay with me. You're safe. I'm not going to hurt you."

She nodded, but didn't open her eyes.

"Alexis, look at me."

She opened her eyes, her expression glazed somewhat. " _Look at me_ ," he repeated.

Her gaze anchored onto him. Really seeing him instead of looking through him. He watched her body unclench.

"I'm sorry," she whispered on a ragged exhale.

"Don't be." He kissed her forehead. "Let's get cleaned up, huh?"

"Okay."

"Can I touch you?"

She nodded.

He reached for the soap. "Tell me where."

Slowly, Alexis began to warm back up. She told him where to wash, and he did his best to make it special for her. He let his soapy fingertips tickle her skin and kneaded muscles where they'd grown tense and knotted. He massaged her scalp when he washed her hair, and she returned the favor.

He didn't ask her to touch him again, and he quickly washed himself off while she rinsed the conditioner from her hair.

All clean, she stood in front of him, her cheeks rosy, her eyes heavy and relaxed. He took her in once more, noting the silvery scar between her breasts, the stretch marks around her hips.

She wasn't just Alexis, his Alexis. She was the mother of his child, and it was all thanks to the woman in front of him that his little rose was part of his life at all. Alexis had carried their baby, protected her through the worst of circumstances, raised her while he was away, and allowed him to have a relationship with his daughter when he'd returned. Emotion welled up in his throat. There were no words equal to the gift she'd given him.

Following pure instinct, he sank to his knees in front of her. His hands anchored on her hips.

"Kevin?"

He pressed a kiss against one of her stretch marks, then let his lips travel the path to its twin. He looked up at her, tears blurring his vision. Alexis pulled him to his feet. She stroked his cheek and brushed her lips over his. Then she turned off the water and led him out of the shower.

Dressed, combed, and altogether more civilized, Alexis rested her head on his chest. They lay in bed together, but something like hesitation floated in the air around them. They shared the same fear: that when she fell asleep, she'd be lost in another episode.

"Do you want me to go back to my bed?" Alexis asked.

"I want this to be your bed. Every night," he answered.

"That's not what I asked."

"If you think you'll sleep better…" he let his voice trailed off.

"I don't know if it makes a difference," she said honestly. "And it's not fair to you, but if I do… well, I don't want to be that way around Rosie."

"How did you manage that when you two were living alone?" he asked.

"I didn't. There were a lot of nights I'd come to in the shower, not remembering how I got there. A few times Rosie was awake when I came back to bed. Once she'd been crying for me for… I don't know how long."

He kissed the crown of her head. "You're welcome to stay, if you want."

"Kevin, if I… if I relapse. It's not your fault, okay? You don't have to try to protect me from something you can't undo."

"I wish I could."

"It's not your fault."

He didn't respond.

She braced herself on her arm, staring down at him. "Promise me you won't push me away again."

He stroked a strand of hair back from her face. "I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I didn't want you," he said softly. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this short, sweet, and smutty chapter. Please review!


	28. Chapter 28

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-Eight

* * *

Alexis let herself into the loft with a sigh of relief. For better or worse, it was over. Now she had nothing left to do but wait. She fought back a grimace at the small group of people clustered in the living room and kitchen. The party her dad had thrown was clearly already in full swing, their nearest and dearest toasting to Alexis retaking her boards.

She'd told her father that a celebratory pizza would be more than enough for the occasion, but, then again, Richard Castle had never been one to do things on a small scale. She saw Rosie, Aaron, and Johanna run by, with her father close behind.

Rosie, not quite two years old, but well into the willful defiance that characterized the terrible twos, managed to stop just long enough to squeeze Alexis' leg in a hug. "Hi, mommy." Then she was off once again.

Her dad grinned at her as he chased the kids into his office. "Congratulations, honey! I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, Dad." She returned his smile as she watch the group take refuge in the office.

Her grandmother and Kate appeared next to her. "So, how was it?" Martha asked. "Not too dreadful, I hope."

"Brutal," Alexis sighed. Her smile faded a bit as she recalled a few questions she hadn't known the answer to.

"Do you think you passed?" Kate asked.

"I hope so."

"Of course you passed," Kevin said, sidling up to them with a glass of white wine in one hand. "You've been studying day and night for weeks. Not that you needed to. You're brilliant." He pecked her cheek and passed over the glass of wine.

"Should have studied a little harder." Alexis's fingers wrapped around the glass. "But you do know what I like."

"Kate? Martha?" Kevin asked. "You want one?"

"None for me, thanks," Kate answered. Martha shook her head at his offer.

"When do you find out the results?" Alexis' grandmother asked.

"Three or four weeks," Alexis answered. "And until then… I get to be both excited about practicing medicine again and full of dread at the thought of failing. It's Schroedinger's medical license," she added with a snort as she took a sip from her glass.

"Darling, you'll pass. Don't stress for another minute over it," Martha insisted.

"I'm not worried." Kate smiled at the couple. "Your dad tells me you're heading to the Hamptons house for a few days?"

Alexis nodded. "I thought a vacation might be nice. The last few months . . ." she glanced at Kevin, then over to where Rosie was playing in her father's office. "They've been great. But a change of pace could be good, too."

"Do you want us to take Rosie for you?" Kate offered. "You know, so you two can make it an adult vacation?"

"Oh…" Alexis felt heat rise in her cheeks as her gaze slid away from her stepmother and landed on Kevin. He looked just as surprised by the offer as she felt.

Since that first night in the shower, Kevin and Alexis had been steadily pushing forward with intimacy. Kevin seemed to finally believe that she was choosing him, that she wanted him for more than just a placeholder in her happily ever after, and in return they were trying to make regular progress. Kevin was making sure she checked in with him frequently. Each time they were intimate was still thick with tension and full of conversation along the way. They'd agreed that each step forward would be taken together or not at all. They both had to be comfortable and fully present or they backed off.

And despite the structure, or perhaps because of it, it seemed to be working for them. Mornings, evenings, and the occasional lazy Sunday afternoon found them in bed together, Kevin's head between her legs, or in the shower together, using water and soap as slippery fingers brought each other to release, or simply making out on the couch like a couple of hormone-crazed teenagers.

Alexis was giddy with it. It was a piece of herself she'd been missing for far too long, and with Kevin it felt perfect to have it back.

Not all of their intimate moments were perfect, however, and they were discovering different triggers along the way. Besides disliking seeing Kevin's release on her skin, there'd been a few potent moments. Once, when the foreplay had been a little more frenzied than usual, a little rougher that they'd experienced to that point, Kevin had pulled Alexis' hair as he kissed her hard. Their intimacy came to an immediate end, as her face paled and she was momentarily thrown into an episode so strong she'd hidden in the bathroom from him for nearly ten minutes. Kevin later told her that it had felt like hours passed as he sat on the floor outside the bathroom door, begging her to unlock the door, to not be afraid of him.

That had been a hard one for Kevin to bear, but just as she'd grown better at finding her way out of an episode, Kevin was learning how to be her support and not internalize her trauma as his own.

It was still a battle. And not all the progress was easy, but more and more, things were going off without a hitch. More nights than not, she slept soundly in Kevin's arms. They were both learning, they were both healing, and Alexis loved all the times when they were intimate, growing closer both physically and emotionally.

"Umm… That's a really nice offer, Kate," Kevin began, his cheeks an adorable shade of pink.

Alexis reached down to entwine his fingers with her own. "We'll think about it," she promised.

* * *

Alexis set down her weekend bag on the bed and walked to the window, opening it wide to breathe in the fresh Atlantic air. Kevin's arms wrapped around her waist as he pressed a line of kisses down her neck.

"On a scale of one to ten, how ready are you for seventy-two hours of uninterrupted relaxation?" She could hear the grin in his voice.

Alexis bit her lip to hide her smile, watching the waves crash into the beach. "Sounds too good to be true," she said. She turned in Kevin's arms, winding her arms around his neck.

"Believe it," he insisted. "Your boards are over. Rosie's happy as a clam with your parents. We've got time off work, a beach house to ourselves and…" he reached into his jeans pocket. "Pizza on speed dial. How's that sound?"

"Like a piece of heaven," she answered. "But first…" she pulled him in for a lingering kiss, feeling awfully grateful to Kate for allowing them this time together.

Some hours later, after spending the evening eating pizza and walking on the beach, Alexis was in the bathroom, getting ready for bed. She and Kevin had Facetime with Rosie before her dad put the little girl to bed. She seemed happy, indeed, to have uninterrupted play time with her grandparents and Johanna, who was technically Rosie's aunt, but the six year old was a little too young for the title.

"You coming to bed?" Kevin called.

"Be there in a second," she answered. Alexis fixed her curls just a bit and applied a new layer of lip gloss. The dark blue nightie contrasted with her fair skin, and the light layer of eyeliner brought out her irises. Her eyes darted critically over her form and then she reminded herself that Kevin had seen her naked plenty of times and had never had an issue.

Alexis stepped out of the bathroom. Kevin was laying in bed, looking at his phone.

"Hey," she smiled at him, immensely satisfied in the way his eyes widened at her appearance. "I hope you're not feeling tired yet," she smiled as she crawled onto the mattress, leaning down to brush a kiss over his lips.

"Somehow I think I'm waking up." He dragged his fingers down her bare shoulder. "Does this mean what I think it means?"

She crawled into his lap. "I'm ready. And I want to try, if you're ready for it."

His head tilted to the side and he grimaced. "I didn't bring any condoms."

"I got an IUD after Rosie was born," she told him, her lips twisting into a smile. "No more accidents."

"At least she was a cute accident."

"The cutest. But I want our next one to be planned." She blushed, shaking her head. "I mean, if we ever try for another. Down the road."

Warmth spread over his chest, and he cupped her cheek. "When you're a famous doctor and I'm your trophy husband?" His teasing words echoed back to happier, less complicated times, and she laughed.

"But first…" she leaned in and brushed her lips over his mouth again. "Maybe we can practice?"

"Are you sure? I mean, we don't need to rush or anything."

She silenced him with a gentle kiss. "There's no rush. I'm ready, and I want to try this. With you."

He smiled. "Thank you for trusting me with this." He brushed his lips over hers, once, twice, and then sighed against her lips when she opened for him, letting him taste her, lips and tongues working in tandem. Her fingers sank into his hair as she lost herself in the kiss.

For the longest time, they simply kissed, sitting up in bed together, taking their time because after waiting almost two years for this moment, they could wait just a little longer.

When Alexis' hands slid under his t-shirt, he lifted his arms to allow her to slip it over his head, and soon her lips trailed over the newly exposed skin, pressing a line of sweet kisses down his neck and chest with a subtle eroticism he hadn't felt before. Kevin let out a tiny groan when her lips pressed against his pec and her breath washed over his nipple.

Alexis' lips quirked up into a sexy little smirk, and he covered her lips with his own, carefully and gently guiding her tongue into a passionate dance with his own. Kevin would take no chances in triggering a bad memory.

She took one of his hands, entwining their fingers and guiding it to cup her breast. Kevin took the hint, swirling his thumb and gently pinching her nipple through the thin fabric of her nightie. She keened into his mouth and her hips rocked against his lap.

His free hand found its way up to her other breast and gave the same treatment to its twin. His mouth traveled down the valley between her breasts and began teasing her through her nightie. Her nipples were stiff peaks as he dragged his lips and teeth over them, and soon she was writhing on his lap, gasping against his mouth and trembling with need. At least, he hoped it was need.

He pulled his mouth away from her breast. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she gasped and irritably tugged at the straps of her nightie. "I need more."

With a smirk, he helped her slide the straps down her shoulders. They fell loose around her elbows, and Kevin peeled the thin fabric down her breasts. His lips resumed their work once her chest was bare to him, and he moaned at the sensation of her soft flesh filling his mouth.

He shifted on the mattress. His cock was stiff and aching, and he could feel the occasional blurt of precome creating a damp spot in his shorts. The movements of the redhead on his lap were driving him into a frenzy.

"More," she said, taking one of his hands away from her breast and placing it between her legs. He groaned again when he realized she wasn't wearing underwear. His fingers slid effortlessly between her slick, swollen folds and she bucked her hips when he found that bundle of nerves at her center. Two fingers filled her hot, slick channel as his thumb drew little circles around her clit.

Alexis moaned loudly, dropping her head against the crook of his neck, and her hips worked in time with his fingers. "Faster," she breathed.

He gave her a cocky grin. "I think I'd rather enjoy the show a little longer."

She lifted her head, an argument written across her face and no doubt ready on the tip of her tongue. Kevin gripped her chin with his free hand and tilted her head up. His lips and tongue plundered her mouth, tasting each of her cries as his fingers fucked her in slow, deep strokes.

Alexis' head was spinning with need, and tension was coiling ever tighter across her base. She needed to come. The desire was desperate, bordering on feral, but still Kevin's fingers worked against her, his fingertips curling exactly where she needed them, building the tension, the erotic fullness at her center that felt so good it almost hurt. But still, his pace wasn't fast enough, and his thumb on her clit was a barely-there caress, devised to keep her on the edge and needy, unable to do anything but beg and moan as the pressure grew inside her.

Two fingers became three, and Alexis mewled like a cat in heat as she stretched to accommodate the new intrusion. "Fuck," she breathed into his mouth. Her toes curled as delicious, sinful heat spread across her base.

"Not yet," he responded with a shit-eating grin.

She prepared some smartass response, but rational thought fled as his hand finally, _finally_ began to move at her desired pace, all three fingers curling into her g-spot, stretching her to the edge of pain and kissing her with pleasure. His thumb circled her clit faster now, too, and her vision flickered as a wave of pleasure slammed into her.

As she rode out her pleasure, her release coating his fingers, Kevin thought she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. A gorgeous flush made its way down her neck, to the top of her breasts, and he couldn't stop himself from tasting her pretty pink nipples again, drawing out each aftershock with his mouth and fingers. Satisfaction purred in his chest when she moaned again, thrusting her hips down onto his fingers a few more times before she slumped against his chest.

He carefully slid his fingers out of her, then brought them to his mouth to lick them clean. Her eyes darkened as she watched him, and she leaned in to taste herself on his tongue. His cock twitched with need against the inside of her thigh, and she broke away from his mouth to lift herself off of his lap.

"You're wearing too many clothes," she said as she slipped off the nightie that had pooled uselessly around her waist.

He stood and slid off his underwear in one smooth motion. His cock sprang free, swollen and hard as it had ever been. Alexis teasingly dragged her fingertips over his shaft before pushing him back into the mattress.

She climbed back into his lap, positioning herself over his aching cock, and Kevin tilted her head back up. Their eyes locked, and he saw some trepidation in those blue depths.

"I love you," he said softly. "We can stop at any time, okay?"

Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment. When she opened them again, she smiled at him. "I love you, too."

One hand holding his cock in place and the other bracing herself on his shoulder, she slowly lowered herself onto him.

Kevin cursed when her hot, slick flesh wrapped around the head of his cock. It had been years since he'd felt this particular brand of pleasure. Alexis had still been pregnant then. Christ, he hoped he could last long enough to make it good for her. He gripped her hips, instinctively seeking something, anything, to steady him.

His three fingers hadn't prepared her for the stretch of his cock, and she took a breath to try to relax. His cock barely nestled inside of her, Alexis felt almost unbearably full, straddling the line between pleasure and pain. That need low in her belly told her to keep moving, but she was afraid of too much pain. Experimentally, she lifted off of him then sank down again, taking him just a little deeper than she had before. Again that fullness, that burning stretch and unsatisfied hunger.

Kevin moaned again, and she repeated the movement, whimpering into his neck. That whimper turned to a moan when his his slipped down to where their bodies met and his thumb gently circled her clit.

Her hips jerked, sinking her another inch further onto him. Kevin swallowed her cries, keeping that gentle pressure on her bundle of nerves. "Go as slow as you need," he whispered into her ear. She could hear the restraint in his voice, recognized the tension in his limbs.

So she did. Slowly, delicately, she fucked herself on his cock, working herself downward till the burning stretch eased somewhat, leaving only pleasure. The pressure was a decadent kind of ecstasy, enough to make her hair stand on end as she slid back up his cock and then took him inside of her completely. They both moaned, clutching each other close. Alexis rested her head in his neck, panting at the forgotten sensation. It was so good, almost too much. Kevin's fingers had kept up their teasing strokes, and she could already taste the beginning of another orgasm.

"You okay?" Kevin managed. His fingertips ghosted over her spine.

"You're bigger than I remember."

"Stroke my ego, will you?" She could hear the smile in his voice.

She gently rocked her hips against his, and a moan tore out of her throat. "I-I think I'm close."

His hand wrapped around her hips, helping her maintain that gentle, rocking rhythm. Her clit smacked against his groin with every thrust of his hips, and his cock dragged against her g-spot. It took no more than another minute of that treatment, and her muscles clamped down on him. She screamed into his mouth as pleasure blurred the world around her.

He panted against her, still hard inside her. "Can I—"

"Whatever you want," she answered, breathless.

He eased her off of his cock and guided her to lay down on the bed. He lifted her legs to rest her ankles on his shoulders and re-entered her in one smooth motion. Alexis' back arched and she cried out. The new angle was deeper, more intense.

"Are you—" Kevin began.

"Move," she panted.

His hips snapped against hers, and his cocked plunged into the deepest parts of her body with a rhythm that had her toes curling and her eyes rolling to the back of her head.

If the delicious pressure was decadent before, now it drowned her. Still, she met him for every thrust, wailing as his cock thickened and hardened inside of her. She felt the first jerk of his release and her walls clamped down on him as they rode out their shared pleasure. Each thrust and roll of their hips drawing out the aftershocks, glutting them on ecstasy.

After what seemed like an eternity of bliss, Kevin lifted his body off of hers and eased himself out of her with a groan. He gathered her in his arms, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

Alexis hummed in reply, her body both numb and deeply satisfied. "Good practice."

"Just good?" he mused. "I thought it was fantastic."

"Yes, but there's always room for improvement." She lifted her head and grinned at him. "That's why it's called 'practice.'"

His fingertips dragged down her bare arm. "You're amazing, you know that?"

She brushed her lips against his. "And so are you."

* * *

Kevin awoke to a thunderclap in the distance and immediately reached across the bed. Alexis wasn't there, though the warmth on the mattress told him she hadn't been gone long.

He heard the balcony door creak open, and squinted his eyes to see Alexis holding her palms out to catch the rain.

"Alexis?" he called, his voice rough with sleep.

Nighttime was always a mixed bag with her. Generally, she slept through the night and managed to keep it together if she did wake up from a nightmare, but there were always the nights when he'd wake up to find her standing in Rosie's room, watching their baby sleep, gaining comfort from the safe reality in front of her and pushing aside the ever-present fears that lurked in the dark corners of her mind.

Once he'd found her huddled in the shower in the dead of night, looking both afraid and ashamed for feeling that way. She apologized to him, even as the hot water had pelted her shivering body. Rather than try to coax her out of her safe space, he'd simply stepped in behind her. They'd sat in the bathtub together until the water had turned lukewarm and she was finally ready to come back to bed.

"Kevin," she said, a note of expectation in her tone, and he realized she must have been speaking to him while his mind had been elsewhere. He tugged himself back to the present, back to the gorgeous redhead in front of him.

She flashed him a grin. "Come on in. The water's fine." Then she stepped out onto the balcony. Kevin hurried after her, and stopped as she laughed at the rain pouring down on the balcony, even as thunder and wind tossed around them.

Being with her again, connecting in that intimate act after so long, after so many hurdles and missteps along the way, had been more than he'd ever dared to hope for. More than he knew he deserved. The amount of trust and faith she'd given him never failed to take his breath away.

Yes, he'd done everything he could to earn that trust, but he would be forever humbled by her gift all the same. She didn't have to forgive him, or trust him, or even allow him in her life. And still she'd given him all that and more. He was the luckiest man in the world, and he would never allow himself to forget it.

Briefly, Kevin considered the small box he'd tucked inside his luggage and the ring inside. It was a waiting game, trying to find the right time. Was this it?

"Hey," she said again, holding her hand out to him.

He gathered her in his arms. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm better than alright." She pulled him in for a kiss, and soon he forgot all about his fears, his plans, and instead reveled in the taste of her skin and the sensation of her body moving against his.

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading. I hope this moment between them was worth the wait. Please review!


	29. Chapter 29

The Weight of Us

Chapter Twenty-Nine

* * *

Alexis had been staring at the sealed envelope in her hands for a long string of minutes. Her mind raced with the possibilities it held: both the future she'd always wanted and a completely divergent path. Achievement and loss. Anything was possible while the envelope was still sealed.

"You gonna stare at it all night, or do you plan on opening it?" Kevin asked from his place at the kitchen sink, where he was rinsing their dinner dishes before loading them into the dishwasher.

Alexis set the letter down on the table, face down, so that she saw the "X" of the seal rather than her own name in a bold, professional font or the return address of the Medical Board of New York. Her exam results came right on time—two days earlier. Alexis hadn't quite bring herself to open the letter, maybe still couldn't.

She grimaced. "If I don't open it, I haven't failed it yet."

"If you don't open it, you haven't passed it yet, either." He dried his hands on a towel and joined her at the table. "Do you want me to open it for you?"

She hugged the envelope possessively to her chest. "No."

His lips twitched, and she could tell he was trying very hard to not laugh. "Alright. But for just one minute, let's imagine you did pass. Crazy, I know—"

"You're making fun of me."

"—because it's not as if you're one of most brilliant women in Manhattan, and you definitely didn't spend nights, mornings, and weekends preparing for this test—"

"Kevin," she groaned.

"But just as a sort of… I don't know… philosophical discussion, let's assume you did pass. Don't you want to get your credentials submitted so you can start practicing again? That is what you want, isn't it?"

She bit her lip, then sighed. "Yes."

"Then isn't it worth opening that letter to find out?"

"Of course it is." She set the letter back down on the table. "And I know it is. Logically."

Kevin's fingers settled over hers, infusing her skin with his warmth. "You've worked so hard for this—"

"I know I have."

A crease appeared between his eyebrows. "So what's holding you back?"

Her eyes fell back down to the tabletop, and she stared at the grains in the wood for just a moment, considering her response. Deciding whether or not it was worth it to share all of her darkest thoughts out loud.

"Alexis."

She glanced up at him.

"Talk to me," he said softly.

"Do you ever look around at your life and start feeling superstitious?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I'm not sure what you're getting at."

"We're happy. Rosie's happy. Our family's happy. Somehow it seems like we've made this work, against all the odds."

A smile tugged at his lips. "Yeah, we have."

"And that's about the point when everything starts falling apart, isn't it?"

She was afraid to tell him the truth, the bring up all the less than happily ever afters they'd endured over the past years. But he took it in stride. "We're not going to fall apart."

"But—"

He shook his head. "Listen to me. We are not falling apart. Even if by some crazy chance you don't pass your boards. I will still be here. We will still have this life together for as long as you want it. Everything that happened before…" he sighed. "It's in the past. Our mistakes are in the past. And we've learned from them. We're moving forward, remember?"

"You don't ever worry about that past catching up to us again?"

"I worry about it every day," he said honestly. "And every day I use every ounce of pull I have at the Bureau to stay on top of any potential threats."

She frowned, unease simmering in her stomach. "How many…."

"None so far."

"For the last year?" she asked, referring to when he'd come back to New York.

He shook his head. "None since the night Rosie was born."

Alexis blinked. "I don't understand."

"When I went back, in the story was that you had died, and that I took out Sloane. From then on, I made sure that nobody would ever dare to get involved in my business. And as part of the deal, the Bureau kept tabs on you and your family and any potential dangers. You didn't want to go into WITSEC, remember? So I made sure to take all the danger I could back with me to Ireland. And I left it there when I was done. You and Rosie have been safe since I walked out of the hospital the day she was born."

"I had no idea."

"I've learned the hard way not to leave you unprotected. After everything." He grimaced, then shook his head. "So I understand your fears, but I'd hate to see you giving up a dream because you're afraid of losing it."

"And this is your dream?" she asked, looking around the apartment. "A desk job and domestic nights in?"

"You and Rosie are my dream." He smiled at her, and she returned the gesture. Then her eyes widened as realization struck.

"What is it?" he asked.

She stood up. "It's a little quiet, don't you think?"

Kevin looked confused at first, and then he was out of his seat in a second, following close behind her.

"Rosie?" Alexis called.

They rounded a corner and Alexis stopped in her tracks. Their toddler had found Alexis' makeup kit and was using her eyeshadow palette to color the wall. She'd also done her best to give herself a makeover. She looked up, her wide, innocent eyes caked with makeup. "Hi, mommy."

Behind her Alexis heard Kevin snort, and his hands wrapped around her waist as he smothered his laughter into the crook of her neck.

One of her hands covered his. "So this is your dream, huh?" she asked again.

She could hear the smile in his voice. "This is my dream."

She lifted his hand to her lips and brushed a kiss over his knuckles, then she eased herself out of his arms.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To get my phone. We need to document this moment." She gave him a tentative smile. "And then I've got a letter to open."

* * *

By the time he'd been able to pull himself from work, the party was in full swing. Kevin took a seat at the bar and ordered himself a beer. Tension was easing its way out of his neck, and he rolled his shoulders back. Hours and hours in front of a computer each day were killing his posture.

"Make it two," a voice behind him said, and Castle took a seat at the bar next to him. "Some party, huh?" The writer asked.

"Last I checked, you never did anything halfway."

The Old Haunt had been reserved for the night for Javier's long-overdue bachelor party. Drinks and greasy bar food were in abundance, and Kevin was surprised to see so many faces he didn't know huddled around the tables or playing pool. The man of honor himself was playing a game of cards with a few men that Kevin recognized from the precinct a lifetime ago. Those individuals that he'd known before his past caught up with him tended to nod politely at him but would almost always keep their distance.

Kevin supposed that was the best he could hope for. You didn't go missing for years and then show up working with the FBI without drawing some suspicion. He wondered if Javi had ever told their former friends the truth. Would they have believed him? Kevin shook the thoughts away. They didn't matter, not in the big scheme of things anyway.

"Lanie's rules were simple: no strippers, and we need to make sure that Esposito doesn't come home hungover and smelling like a cigar shop," Castle explained.

Kevin glanced over at his friend, hoping that the "simple" rules wouldn't be too difficult to follow. "I'm happy this is finally happening for them. I remember… years ago, when Javier told me he proposed."

Castle nodded. "Things haven't been easy for them. I thought more than once that they wouldn't make it. I'm glad to see I was wrong."

Kevin smiled and took another pull from his beer.

"It seems like I'm wrong about a lot of things these days," Castle added.

"Like what?"

"I used to think you and Alexis weren't going to work thing out."

"Oh. Well, we're trying. It's… I wasn't sure we'd get to make things work, either." He cleared his throat, feeling heat rise in his cheeks over the word vomit that was spilling out of his mouth. He was still coming to terms with his new relationship with the writer. Kevin was not quite his friend, but Castle didn't seem to despise him anymore. And whether the author still hated him or not, Kevin was the father of his only grandchild was in a relationship with his oldest daughter. "But I'm glad we did."

"Funny how coming clean has a way of helping things work out."

Kevin nodded. "Yeah. I was long overdue. And honestly, I'll never be able to thank Alexis—and everyone else for that matter—enough for being so patient and forgiving while I've been pulling my head out of my ass."

Castle snorted. "Amen to that. You know what else I used to think?"

"What's that?"

"That'd I'd never forgive you for the last few years."

"Do you? Forgive me?"

"For the first time in a long time, I feel like I could try to."

Kevin blinked back emotion and took a look pull from his beer. "Thank you."

"So how long before we do this again for you and Alexis?" he asked. At Kevin's look he added, "Don't look so surprised. You two have that look about you…"

"I-I haven't asked permission," Kevin stammered, unnerved by the subject change and the fact that Castle of all people was speaking so plainly about it.

"I wasn't under the impression that Alexis requires permission to make her own decisions."

Kevin nodded at that, a faint smile slowly pulling at his lips. "Well, soon, I hope. I've been wanting to make things official for years now. Just like Javi." Kevin looked at Castle, still unnerved, but feeling like he might as well test his luck. "Would you give me permission if I asked for it?"

"It's not up to me. But I know you'll make her happy. It seems like you've finally got things figured out. Took you long enough, by the way."

It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no, either. Kevin took a breath and nodded. "Good to know."

Javier approached the two of them, slapping Kevin on the back, his cheeks just a little rosy from the abundance of alcohol. "Why are you two holed up over here away from everyone else? It's a party. You should be celebrating!" He caught the bartender's attention. "Another round for my friends!"

Kevin caught the writer's eye, trying hard to conceal his smirk. Castle was hiding his grin in the mug of beer. Following Lanie's rules might be a little more difficult than they'd thought.

* * *

"It was a beautiful wedding," Alexis said, her arms full of pictures of the happy couple.

It had been a beautiful wedding day. Everything had gone off without a hitch. The wedding venue had been gorgeous and well-decorated. Lanie had been a vision in champagne lace, and Javier had looked more than a little dapper in his suit. In his own much smaller suit, Aaron had looked like Javier's double in miniature.

The ceremony was short but heartfelt, and Alexis smiled at Kevin from across the altar, a strange sense of clairvoyance that they'd see another wedding ceremony soon, and not as a bridesmaid and groomsman.

"Lanie looked gorgeous, and so did Rosie. All that tulle!" Kate laughed as they loaded pictures and other decorations from the ceremony into the car.

"And we only had to pull her and Aaron apart about four times," Alexis laughed, remembering the way Rosie had chased him down the aisle, her flower petals flying in her wake.

"She's a spitfire. That's for sure. You're going to have your hands full till she's thirty."

Alexis laughed. "I think we have that in common, seeing as how Johanna's a little mini version of Dad."

"You think you two will have some good news for everyone soon? A wedding? A baby?"

Alexis blushed. "I don't think we're quite ready for another baby just yet."

"You think Kevin will pop the question soon?" Kate asked, noting her omission.

"If I don't get to it first." She closed the trunk and turned to her stepmother. "What about you? Have you convinced Dad that Johanna needs a sibling?"

Kate's smile softened, and Alexis gasped. "No. You're pregnant? Wait, you can't be pregnant. I saw you drinking champagne at the wedding."

"We've been trying for the last few months, and nothing really seemed to be coming of it. And then the doctor told us that it's not likely at my age."

"Oh, Kate. I'm so sorry."

Her stepmother shrugged, seemingly at peace with the news. "There's more than one way to be a parent. We're going to adopt. We're taking classes now, actually." She nudged Alexis' shoulder. "Maybe you and Johanna will be getting a new sibling for Christmas, huh?"

Alexis leaned her head on Kate's shoulder. "I'd love that."

* * *

Amidst the Esposito-Parrish wedding, Rosie's second birthday, Thanksgiving, and Alexis' job applications and interviews, the holiday season had arrived all too quickly. Already, Christmas Eve was winding down. Tomorrow they'd go to the loft for what would undoubtedly prove to be an ostentatious Christmas morning, but for now it was just Kevin, Alexis, and Rosie around the tree.

Brigid had joined then for dinner, and to watch Rosie open her presents, but now things were quiet. And now Alexis was determined to make their family as real and official a unit as they could be. She was done waiting.

"There's one gift left for you," Alexis said to Kevin with a smile, her heart racing in her chest. She hoped her nerves weren't showing on her face.

She picked it up and handed it to Kevin, watching his eyes pause on the small, neatly wrapped box. "Well, it's not socks," he said. She couldn't quite read his face, and she clenched her fingers tight to hide their shaking.

What if he said no? What if there was a reason he hadn't proposed yet, despite all the time they spent talking about it?

He set the gift to the side. "You know what? I think there's one more you need to open first. It's your turn, anyway." Before Alexis could protest, he turned to their daughter. "Rosie, can you give mommy her gift, please?" He gestured to a much large box under the tree. Alexis felt just the slightest twinge of dismay. It didn't look the right size for what she really wanted.

The toddler clambered over to her mother, her arms fulls with the gift. "Here go, mommy."

Somewhat impatiently, Alexis tugged the wrapping off, and opened the box, which revealed a smaller box, and then a smaller box within that, and another and another, until a box she recognized sat still in her hand. "Oh." Her heartbeat took on a new cadence, and she felt tears prick at her eyes. She took a deep breath before pushing upward on the lid, eager and nervous at the same time to see the engagement ring for the very first time.

The box was empty. Alexis looked up, an indignant question on her tongue, and Kevin kneeled down in front of her.

His hands were shaking, and her eyes caught on the emerald-cut ring nestled between his fingers before skipping up to his face. His blue eyes were bright with tears, and his voice was hoarse when he finally brought himself to speak. "You don't know how long I've been dreaming of this day, and how long I've been afraid I'd never get to ask you… Alexis Harper Castle, you're all I want, all I need. You're my dream come true. Will you marry me?"

As soon as the question slipped off his lips, she was in his arms. "It's about time." She kissed him, happy tears streaming down her face. "Of course I'll marry you."

"Why you crying?" Rosie asked, interrupting their moment with the clumsy, tender hug that only toddlers know how to give.

"I'm happy, sweetheart," Alexis answered, hugging her back. "Your daddy and I are getting married. Do you want to wear a pretty dress again?"

Rosie patted her mother's cheek and shook her head. "No, thank you," she said politely, just like her parents had taught her.

Kevin snorted. A few happy tears had escaped his eyes as well. "We'll work on her," he promised Alexis.

"Well, you have one more gift," Alexis said, picking up the present he'd set aside earlier. "It seems redundant now."

Kevin opened his gift, revealing a slim, silver ring with a Celtic weave engraved on the inside of the band. "Miss Castle, are you trying to proposition me?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just put it on."

He leaned forward and brushed his lips over hers. "Yes, I'll marry, you too."

* * *

Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! Please review!


	30. Chapter 30

The Weight of Us

Chapter Thirty

* * *

Alexis stood in front of her bathroom mirror, applying moisturizer after having just washed her face for the night. She'd worn thick mascara and eyeshadow to her bachelorette party earlier that night, and her face felt fresher and more her own without the makeup. She let her hair loose from the clip and it fell in waves down her shoulders. She took a deep breath and considered the reflection in the mirror.

She was getting married tomorrow.

In less than twenty-four hours, she and Kevin would finally say "I do." They'd finally achieve the goal they'd been working toward for six years. It felt almost too good to be true, almost too perfect to believe. Her eyes landed on the reflection of the garment bag hanging from the back of the door. Her veil, a gorgeous creation of ivory silk and swarovski crystals and delicate lace hung over the bag containing her wedding dress.

She carefully removed the veil from the hook and placed it upon her head. It looked just like she remembered, the delicate ivory contrasting with her russet hair and matching her fair skin. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, trying to imagine herself as a bride. Was this how she'd look to Kevin tomorrow? Was this how she'd ever imagined herself looking on her wedding day?

She considered the gentle slope of her nose, the barely-there arch of her cheekbones, her pale pink lips, her wide blue eyes. She thought back to the many times she'd looked at herself in the mirror over the last fews years and the different version of herself who had stared back at her.

She remembered being a bright-eyed, eager undergrad. She remembered the naive sparkle in her eyes, the lips that were so much easier to bend into a smile. She remembered when the circles under her eyes hadn't been as deep, when that line in her forehead hadn't existed at all. Alexis had a difficult time thinking of that younger version of herself as anything other than a child, even though she'd been of twenty-one, but that felt nearer to the truth. That was a version of Alexis who had existed before she'd discovered how to survive the darker side of humanity, before she'd become a mother, before she'd fallen for Kevin.

She closed her eyes and opened them again, superimposing herself anew on the reflection, thinking of the hardened woman she'd become for those years in between. When her eyes had closed off to the world around her, when her lips had entirely forgotten how to smile, when her skin was dull from overworking and a diet of alcohol and whatever half-considered meal she could fit into herself between rounds or tests or autopsies. That was the Alexis who had survived being torn apart. The Alexis who dominated medical school, the Alexis who had been hurt so badly that she'd pushed everyone else away. And not unlike the hardened version of herself was the shattered one. The Alexis that she still couldn't think about without feeling a little sick. She'd pushed people away for so long that no one had been there to catch her, no one had stopped her from imploding. That Alexis had been little more than shrapnel. A woman in pieces.

But this woman staring back at her in the mirror, the woman with smile lines around her mouth, with semi-permanent circles from the near-constant exhaustion that came with raising a toddler, the woman who'd loved and lost and learned more hard truths and simple blessings of being alive in a handful of years than she had in all the years before that…. This Alexis. This battle-scarred self, vulnerable and triumphant, brave enough to dare for happiness once again and wise enough to temper her enthusiasm with an innate understanding of her soon-to-be husband's limitations. This was who she was now.

And she was more than okay with that.

There was a soft knock at her bedroom door. It was so gentle she almost convinced herself she hadn't heard anything. Then it sounded against the wood again, just a little firmer.

"Who is it?" she asked.

Kevin's voice slid through the door. "The ghost of wedding future."

Alexis snorted, then blushed as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, wearing soft, oversized pajamas and a three-hundred-dollar veil.

After setting the veil aside Alexis rushed over to door. Kevin grinned at her sheepishly from the other side of the door, dressed in his own pajamas.

"I thought you were at your bachelor party," she said with a smile.

"We're all old men now. Parties don't last as long as they used to," he said simply. "Can I come in?"

She stepped aside, and he entered the bedroom. The door clicked shut behind him. "How was your party?" he asked.

They were back at the Hamptons house, their favorite place in the entire world, and tomorrow they'd be married on the beach. For tonight, though, the house was full and Kevin and Alexis were honoring tradition by spending the night apart.

"Fun. Girly. I never mind a night out with the ladies. And Rosie doesn't either. She's having sleepover in Johanna's room tonight. They're two peas in a pod." She took a seat on the edge of the bed. "I can't believe we're getting married tomorrow." She looked down at her hand, where her engagement ring sparkled on her finger.

"I keep pinching myself," he admitted. He stopped in front of her, his frame almost bursting with suppressed energy. He glanced around the room nervously, then finally met her eyes. "I'm selfish, so I'm only going to ask this once. Are you sure this is what you want?"

Alexis blinked. "Do you think I don't?"

"I just wanted to make sure." He smiled at her. "I wanted to make sure you're doing this for you, and not just out of some sense of duty to Rosie… or, some other reason."

Alexis reminded herself to considered his question and set aside the knee-jerk response that put her on the defensive. The triggers that had her reassuring him that she did love him and that they really were making the best decisions. She took a deep breath. "What is this about?" she asked.

"Forgiveness," he breathed, his voice both earnest and breakable. "I know I don't deserve it, but—"

She held up a hand, taking another breath to genuinely consider. It was fair to ask, even now. Forgiveness had always come harder to her than loving him had. Loving him, wanting him, had never been the problem. But accepting his choices, accepting his lies, both the lies he'd said to her face and the omissions that she'd never even thought to ask him about, and all the fallout that had happened along the way. Looking at all of that, holding in her mind and considering its weight…. That was another beast altogether. And it didn't begin and end with how she felt about him, though those feelings had undoubtedly added to the weight. Those feelings had played a part in her choices and her own consequences. Those feelings were why they had a two and a half year old. It was impossible to separate it all, to parse his role and hers, his mistakes and her poor reactions.

But it didn't matter, not anymore. The weight of their past, their unresolved baggage and broken selves…. None of it mattered. They weren't those people anymore. They were beyond that. "I do forgive you, Kevin, truly. I did a long time ago." She smiled. "Do you think now we can let it all go?"

"Are you sure?" he asked again, his voice thick with hope, somehow more breakable, already halfway shattered.

"You're not the only one who was ready to propose on Christmas," she reminded him.

He took a seat next to her, entwining their fingers. "Thank you."

"Are you sure this is what you want?" she asked. "Are you sure you're ready?"

"I've been waiting years for this."

She leaned in and kissed him. "Well, you won't have to wait much longer."

* * *

"You look beautiful."

Alexis turned around to find her father standing behind her, dressed to the nines in a gray tux. Her dress rustled around her as she moved. "Thanks, Dad." She turned her gaze back to the wedding guests out on the beach. She'd been watching everyone arrive and assemble from the kitchen window, and now the string quartet was playing as Rosie and Johanna scattered flower petals down the aisle. All of her friends and family were out there, waiting for her.

"Are you nervous?" he asked.

She shook her head with a smile. "This is what I want." She took his hand and gave it a squeeze. "Thank you so much for all of this, Dad. For your love and support through everything. I'm a lucky girl."

Careful not to mess up her carefully styled hair, her father pulled her into his arms. "I love you, honey," he said softly. "And I'm so proud of you. I know Ryan will love you with everything he has."

She blinked back the happy tears that were filling her eyes. "Thank you."

He kissed her forehead. "Are you ready?"

She nodded. "I'm ready."

He held out his arm and led her down the back steps and onto the beach. As soon as her feet touched the sand, the string quartet transitioned to "Canon in D," and the music swelled to meet her as the waves rolled gently onto the shore.

Their small audience stood to watch Alexis and her father make their way to the altar. Johanna stood next to Gram, waving at her sister and father, and Javier, Lanie, and Aaron all smiled as she passed them. Greg and Agent Shields grinned at her from their places at the back of the group, and Brigid seated on the front row next to Kate, who held a small, olive-skinned baby boy in her arms. Alexis and Johanna's new brother, Edgar.

Rosie was in a white dress, flowers pinned in her hair, holding Kevin's hand at the end of the aisle. "Hi, mommy," she said, and everyone laughed at her spirit.

Castle kissed Alexis' cheek as he stepped aside and allowed her to approach her daughter and soon-to-be husband. "I love you, honey."

"I love you, too, Daddy."

He took a seat next to Kate and carefully pulled Rosie into his lap.

Then Alexis turned her gaze for the first time to Kevin. His eyes were shining, and he watched her like she held his entire world in her hands. She reached out to him, taking his trembling hands in her own.

The ceremony passed in a blur. Alexis could barely pay attention to the words the priest was saying. She couldn't take her eyes off of Kevin. They exchanged rings, and they both managed to say the right things at the right time, but it wasn't until they'd said, "I do," and Kevin was stepping closer to her to seal their marriage vows with a kiss that it became real.

His lips brushed against hers, somehow both gentle and all-consuming, and the kiss was over all too soon. His forehead rested against hers as a silly grin spread over his face. "Thank you for making me the luckiest man in the world."

"There's nowhere I'd rather be."

* * *

Author's Note: And they lived happily ever after.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and joining me for this journey. I hope you've enjoyed the ride.

For more Rylexis, check out my other WIP "In Pieces."


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